Need some extra support

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by ladylite, 2 February 2008 Social URL.

  1. ladylite

    ladylite Gold Member

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    Well it has all kicked off her with daughter, I am sorry to say but I hate her at the mo. She is so nasty to me treats me like a doormat and I am at my wits end how to handle things.

    Thats it I have handled things so badly, nothing like we should do in class. Had a massive row, told her I couldnt cope with all these ups and downs and said she should leave. Now I am the bad guy. Feel like crap, just want to go to bed and cry. Dont know which way to turn at the mo.

    I have had a choc shake and am filling myself with so much water you would think it is booze.

    Really struggling with emotions today, not food, as I think I have handled it soooooo badly and too much has been said.

    I love her so much but she can be such a nasty cow at times and it really hurts me.

    Think she has got away with blue murder too long and I now know I have got to be really firm and I am frightened of the consequences. Sorry to bring you down but I feel I can say things on here that I cant say to my hubbie or my family and friends.
     
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  3. Kitteh

    Kitteh Resident geek

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    is there any chance you two could maybe go out for a coffee (and a water) for a chat and explain how you feel.. and see if theres anything you could resolve.. or is it past that stage now do you think?
    x x
     
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  4. ladylite

    ladylite Gold Member

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    I think it is past that stage, I dont know where she is at the mo and that is making it worse for me. I feel that she is punishing me by her siilence.
     
  5. Kitteh

    Kitteh Resident geek

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    how old is she?
    x x
     
  6. ladylite

    ladylite Gold Member

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    Think I am feeling more destitute cause it hurts a lot more when you cant stuff the feelings away and have to cope with them. a new experience for me.

    Food was my protection.
     
  7. Kitteh

    Kitteh Resident geek

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    yeah.. but the fact that you're being strong.. if i was in you're situation.. i think i would have well been in the fridge.. you're doing amazingly well..
    x x
     
  8. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

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    Take a deep breath!

    I am presuming your daughter is a teenager?

    This is the time when hormones run riot and boundaries are tested.

    All very normal and natural.

    I would suggest when you feel calm to arrange a time for both of you to have a calm discussion and ask her what she expects from you, what her needs are and are they being fulfilled, is there anything bothering her.

    Also be clear in what your needs are and what you expect from her.

    Remember to make it clear that you do not condone her bad behaviour but that you love her and would like to be shown respect and vise versa.

    My teenager years were a battle ground with my mother as the one thing she lacked was that she never actually listened to how I felt or what I had to say and showed me very little respect. I mirrored back to her what she gave to me.

    Years later we became best friends.

    Love Mini xxx
     
    Last edited: 2 February 2008
  9. ladylite

    ladylite Gold Member

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    I did go in the fridge in the week and that was what I think bought to a head. I decided that I was not going to let her keep upsetting me to the state where I needed comforting.

    But standing up to her and she manages to turn everything around. I now feel the guilty one.

    All I wanted for her to be responsible towards the horses, which she is not doing and it angers me as they cannot look after themselves. Everytime she has a problem she totally neglects them, and she is always having problems, debt, boyfiends, girlfriends etc. It is never her fault.
     
  10. Kitteh

    Kitteh Resident geek

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    i agree mini.. The fact is, she loves you, but with teenagers.. they are not the most easiest.. even the best ones.. esp as mini said.. with hormones.. etc.. She'll come around.. she'll miss her mammy..
    x x
     
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  11. luckyloser

    luckyloser Hate it but doing it!

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    Hi, i'm sorry to hear what's going on, not fun.
    Have you thought about writing her a letter telling her how you feel?
    I know it might sound a bit crap but i was an absolute cow to my mum from about 12 - 16, i couldn't explain why and it didn't give my pleasure making my mum and dad miserable but i suppose looking back there was so much going on i just wanted a bit of attention.
    My mum wrote me a letter, and i've still got it, where she explained that she loved me very much but that my behaviour was hurting her more than i realised, she went on to explain how she cryed when no one else was around, that she was worried about my health and the situations that i was putting myself into and that she wouldn't be in a position one day to protect me when i most needed it.
    I was a chopsy cow but i read that letter, over and over again when no one else was around and i realised that i was being so selfish.
    It was a bit of a shock to be honest and it was actually quite reassuring that even though i was being a monster all my mum wanted for me was the best and that she loved and cared for me deeply.
    Moving out for me helped as well, ok, i moved into the holiday caravan parked at the side of the house but getting my independance really helped. We were close enough to still be a family and spend time together but having my own space when i felt like i could be the grown up was the thing that really brought us together again.
    Mum and i get on like a house on fire now, i miss her as i don't live that close to her anymore, (i moved because of work), but she comes up once a month and we do girly things which is awesome.
    Don't forget if for so long you've been a particular person because of the weight it's probably a bit of a shock to your daughter that you're whole outlook on life has changed and your confidence has grown so much, that's a lot of her to take in as well, and perhaps she may be a bit jealous. I know i was when i was a size 20 and my mum lost weight to be a size 12, sounds petty but i was.
    Be strong.
    If it's right that you both need a bit of time out is there any relatives that she could take a "break" with for a little while?
    Thinking of you
    Hugs
    x
     
  12. ladylite

    ladylite Gold Member

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    She is not quite a teenager, almost 22. WE are always sitting down having sensible meetings and sorting things out and we come to an agreement and then after a week or two she reverts back. She is usually nice when she needs something, either money or a lift somewhere etc.

    The bust up came about because she arrived home so drunk at 4.30pm and lad bought her home in a taxi. I put here to bed. She is suppose to go to Brighton this afternoon for another session with her friend (65 miles or so away) and I put my foot down and told she was not allowed to go as she would still have alco in her body and not fit to drive.

    She told me to get stuffed and I couldnt tell her that, so then I gave her an ultimatum, that if she decided to go I would ask her to leave as I couldnt condone her behaviour anymore. It is difficult as she thinks I want to control her. Which I dont but I do have standards (drink driving is at the top of my list) and looking after the horses properly is second on the list. She is now telling her friends and allies that I am throwing her out and now not communication at all.

    I must say writing it down is helping me think it through, at least I have stopped crying now and the temper is calming. glug glug glug, imagining they are large gin and tonics
     
  13. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

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    "You can bring a horse to water but you can not make it drink"

    The way we all learn about life is that actions have consequences and that taking responsibility for what is ours is part and parcel of growing up and becoming an adult.

    If she has problems with debt, boyfriends, girlfriends etc.

    All you can do is listen and be supportive, it is up to her to sort these things out for herself. But if you are the kind of parent that recuse your children every time they have a problem then they never learn anything from it. Only, that you will be there always to fix things for them.

    It is called learnt helplessness and while all parents come from a stand point of good intentions, rescuing undermines the growth process.

    When children are young we all have a codependent relationship with them as they do need us to make decisions and look after them as they are dependant on us, but as time goes on we have to let them make their own choices and to learn that the choices they make they are the ones that has to live with them.

    Sometimes it can be confusing as to when it is your responsibility and when it is not when you have an adult child.
     
  14. ladylite

    ladylite Gold Member

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    She has just arrived back, I think she may talk to me will keep you informed,

    THANKS
     
  15. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

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    I hope everything works out well:hug99:

    Love Mini xxx
     
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  16. Kitteh

    Kitteh Resident geek

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    thats great.. hope everything turns out good..
    x x x
     
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  17. to lose long trek

    to lose long trek Full Member

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    My heart goes out to you Ladylite. You must stand your ground knowing that what you ask of her is for her own good - and in this case the possibility she might cause an accident, kill a child on the road, never mind losing her licence etc etc.
    I had cause some years ago to be in that sort of position but drink driving wasn't the issue. I was beside myself with worry, anger, and a whole range of emotions. I wrote a letter to my son and sent it to him and then said no more on the subject - just kept my resolve to do my best by him but not pander to "what he wanted from me". I have never regretted that move. In fact, I still have the letter on file and would happily share it with you by pm if it would help.
    It helped me enormously to write it and have that self respect for myself - Your daughter may not share your views but let her respect your right to have those views. Once you have established that message to each other - the sparks may fly just a little less.
    You deserve the success of this weight loss and you choose to be ruled by your inner being and not by your daughter.
    Keep me posted I will look out for you. My son was in his twenties when this all kicked off by the way.

    Di

    Di
     
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  19. Dancing

    Dancing Gold Member

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    hope the writing here prior to her return helped you think it through and calmed you a bit before speaking with her (if she let you) and that things didn't blow up again.

    It is difficult isn't it. I was difficult in my 20s rather than in my teens. Needed to establish my own space within my parents home and live my way. Difficult to do that and respect your parents' values and views at the same time (if they are quite different).

    If you genuinely believe she would still be over the limit when driving then you were within your rights to make the statement you did about her not going to brighton in the car. She could of course have gone by train if she wanted to go that badly. So it isn't as though you were controlling her to the point of saying she had to stay in the house.

    As for the horses, if they are horses you bought for her and they are on your property (or even if she bought them but they are on your property), again you have a right to say what you expect from her in terms of their care. If she can't do that then together you need to look at other options, whether that be finding someone who will come and care for them (some people will do it in exchange for being able to ride them and won't expect payment, others will want some money), or placing them in stables and paying for that, or selling them.

    My personal opinion is that these issues can be worked around without jumping over all the possibilities and going direct to the step of her having to leave. It is only my opinion and no one can tell you how to parent. Just hope you guys have managed to work something out.

    x
     
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  20. ladylite

    ladylite Gold Member

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    Thank you all for your responses I have taken lots from each post and they have been tremendously helpful.

    Well what can I say, she arrived in with 4 bunches of flowers and said sorry I upset you I didnt mean it. After having a long think she decided that she will not go to Brighton, which has made me very happy and said she will go out in our town. I offered to give here a lift if needed.

    I explained calmly that I did NOT want to control her but the two things most important are not Drink Driving and the horses and because of the nature of looking after horses she needs to be responsible. I do offer to help, but have to be careful that I dont get dumped on.

    I feel 100% better and mainly because I was able to come on here and spill the beans sos to speak. Normally I would go in the bedroom, cry my eyes out, feel sorry for myself and probably stuff my face til cried myself to sleep as I would so full of crap food.

    I know it will still be a troubled road for us together as she is a very strong character and we can be so alike sometimes, but I am sure, after her reaction today, she is learning I am not all bad and I just want to help so we will get there in the end.

    Once again, I cannot thank you again for all your help, it has been a great learning curve for me reading all your opinions and the many vailed points will stay in my head for maybe the next time.

    As I said I find the hardest part of the diet is coping with emotions that we were so used to hiding from with food, and it really hurts, but am sure with practice will find better ways to cope rather than food.

    I know I dont know you all personally but I feel that I have found some real genuine friends who at the mo I cannot do without. I hope I dont have to but I will be here to return the favour.


    THANK YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH
     
  21. Miss Fenella

    Miss Fenella Full Member

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    Hugs to you LL - no advice as I have no kids but sending much love and mother daughter vibes {{{{}}}}}


    There is a web site Bad Mothers Club

    where lots of others will have advice if you need it.

    It's a free site at the mo.

    xx
     
  22. ladylite

    ladylite Gold Member

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    Thanks for that Miss Fenella, will have a look, feeling very comforted.
     
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