Goreygirl
Gold Member
I can't believe how easily it happened.. how fecking easily I allowed it to happen!! It's like I have a self-sabotage button.
Friday I went for my first weigh in; left with a smile and then wandered around town. Bought a shaker beaker type thing in preparation for when I have to travel for work late next week, wandered the wrong way round to the local hotel and got all the information about joining the gym etc. It as a sunny afternoon and I was feeling relatively good but craving chocolate a bit as I had just come on but was telling myself "that's just habit; you don't want choc really". Got home and fell asleep on the sofa with a hot water bottle and woke up like a different person :cry: Before i knew it i had rang the local chipper and had chicken and chips and icecream delivered and then starts a major 24 hour binge :cry::cry: it's like I did everything to make myself fail; I purposely avoided logging on her becauses it's almost like if i did i was calling attention to what I was doing and while i didn't I could ignore that i was binging if that makes sense?? Bizarrely I got it together today and spent the whole day with family watching them eat dinner, desserts etc and I was quite happy with my shakes. It's like jeckyl and hyde. I know all the steps that triggered each subsequent step of my binge but it's like i didn't care! Do I really not like myself that much? Or am I scared? That's the only thing i can think of.. that a part of me doesn't want me to succeed with this .. which is crazy cos logically I know i'm miserable the way I am.. feel like i'm imposing all these limits on my life cos of my weight and the moment and I don't want to live like this anymore...:break_diet:
Friday I went for my first weigh in; left with a smile and then wandered around town. Bought a shaker beaker type thing in preparation for when I have to travel for work late next week, wandered the wrong way round to the local hotel and got all the information about joining the gym etc. It as a sunny afternoon and I was feeling relatively good but craving chocolate a bit as I had just come on but was telling myself "that's just habit; you don't want choc really". Got home and fell asleep on the sofa with a hot water bottle and woke up like a different person :cry: Before i knew it i had rang the local chipper and had chicken and chips and icecream delivered and then starts a major 24 hour binge :cry::cry: it's like I did everything to make myself fail; I purposely avoided logging on her becauses it's almost like if i did i was calling attention to what I was doing and while i didn't I could ignore that i was binging if that makes sense?? Bizarrely I got it together today and spent the whole day with family watching them eat dinner, desserts etc and I was quite happy with my shakes. It's like jeckyl and hyde. I know all the steps that triggered each subsequent step of my binge but it's like i didn't care! Do I really not like myself that much? Or am I scared? That's the only thing i can think of.. that a part of me doesn't want me to succeed with this .. which is crazy cos logically I know i'm miserable the way I am.. feel like i'm imposing all these limits on my life cos of my weight and the moment and I don't want to live like this anymore...:break_diet: