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OT -Opinions please ... xx (long post)


maintaining since June'09
S: 15st9.5lb C: 10st13.6lb G: 10st7lb BMI: 24.8 Loss: 4st9.9lb(30.02%)
To set the scene .......

I have a very good friend who lives locally - through us, our daughters (her 2 and my 1) met and eventually my daughter and her youngest became an 'item'.

A week last Sunday I found a txt on my phone that I'd missed from DH - sent sat night.

To cut a long story short she'd been at her girlfriend's and something had happened which meant she didn't want to stay there so she tried to come here (not far from the GF's) as she had had a few drinks so couldn't drive. We had gone to bed early and I've felt guilty ever since that I wasn't 'here' for her even though she could have rung the house phone or just come round and rung the bell.

But Anyway!! ......

She subsequently told me that the GF had 'done something' which she 'didn't want to get into' suffice to say she (DD) had been really upset by it and even though GF was mortified and profusely apologetic she was finding it hard to get back to where they'd been.
Since then I've asked a couple of times how they are and been told things were 'improving slowly'. I told DD that I was madly curious but totally understood if she didn't want to talk about it and she has chosen not to. I have asked about it a couple of times but haven't wanted 'how are things' to be interpreted as 'tell me tell me' iykwim!!

Anyhoo - tonight we went out for a meal with DD's GFs Mum and I now know that she knows all about it. When I asked her if she knew what had gone on she said 'yes but I don't think it would be right to tell you' ... Now I understand that completely ... we said when they got together that - whatever happens between them - we were friends first and we wouldn't let anything jeopardise our frienship. Okay - but I don't think I thought about a situation where we wouldn't share information.

ANYHOO ..... I want to say to DD - I'm feeling a bit daft and left out when everyone else knows what's gone on. I understand that she doesn't want me to feel badly about the GF - I understand that my friend doesn't want me to feel badly about her daughter but I feel a bit - well - 'on the outside' ..... I'd like to just be able to leave it and try to be happy that my opinion of people matters so much to them (not) but at the same time I feel a bit miffed that DD didn't want to confide in me - especially when her GF confided in HER Mum even though she was (from all I can gather and from what HAS been said) in the wrong.


This is probably daft - please feel free to tell me so xxxx
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Its a difficult one Jan, but as your daughter is an adult, its up to her if to tell you and she deserves the privacy that she would get if you and the other mum were not friends. No relationship is perfect and it should be up to them to sort out. Maybe the gf talked to her mum for advice as it sounds like her error in the first place. One thing you can be proud of is that she sounds strong and able to make her own mind up hence her getting angry at gf in the first place. But aside from that it would bug me too as i'm nosy. :)
Anyway hugs :patback:


Here we go again!
I would feel exactly the same as you Jan.

It's a shame you're feeling left out, I'm sure your DD doesn't mean you to feel like that. Perhaps if you explain to her how you're feeling she might want to tell you what's going on. It's a very difficult situation but if they wont tell you what's happened, what can you do? Try to put it to the back of your mind if you can, I know that's probably impossible but the less you worry about it the less it will bother you maybe.

Hope all's well soon for you.
I have to agree with what size10bikini said too, but it would sort of bug me a little that I hadn't been told.

I guess it depends what sort of relationship you have with your Daughter as to whether you should try and gain the information from her as to what actually did happen, but I know I would find it hard not to ask any of my Children - as to whether they would tell me is a different story.

Hope all is well with everyone now though.


♥3 Years Maintaining♥
S: 19st6lb C: 11st6lb Loss: 8st0lb(41.18%)
Aw Jan! Have only just seen this thread so sorry for the delay!

I can completly understand how you are feeling as its not nice to be 'on the outside' of things. But like s10 said, DD is an adult and by the sounds of it is strong enough to get through whatever has happened.

Maybe her gf spoke to her mum for advice and some support as when you are in the wrong that is what you need.

I think maybe with time DD might tell you. Maybe once they are back on track 100% (although depending on what happened could never be again?) - but, if i was in your shoes (now im not a mum or anything so coming from a daughters point of view) I would want my mum to just tell me how she was feeling, that she feels a little on the outside and ask me once if I want to tell her what has happened. If she says no then leave it and maybe in time you will find out.

:hug99: xxxx


maintaining since June'09
S: 15st9.5lb C: 10st13.6lb G: 10st7lb BMI: 24.8 Loss: 4st9.9lb(30.02%)
Thanks everyone - you're very kind trawling your way through such a long post and taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it.

I've been trying not to think about it but it's kept popping into my head so what I've done is sent DD a long old message - rather than put her on the spot face to face - just telling her that I could see, understand and respect everyone's point of view but couldn't help feeling excluded which made me a bit sad. I told her I didn't want her to think that was me asking to know what had gone on, just me hoping that explaining that to her would help me put it to bed.

In a while I'm sure I'll look back and think how pathetic this all was ;)

Thanks again :) xx

irish molly

Maintaing LT loss on GL
S: 21st0lb C: 12st12lb G: 12st12lb BMI: 27.4 Loss: 8st2lb(38.78%)
Jan, you are a mum who loves her family to bits and how you feel is totally natural. It would be far worse for your DD if you di not care at all about this. I can only speak as a daughter as I have no kids. I loved my mum to bits but I often kept some very serious stuff from her. It was not because I did not repect her opinion or love her enough to tell her. It was because, being a bit of a stubborn one, I thought I should try and work things through by myself and also because I did not want to overworry her about things that I felt would work out in the long term. So, depending on what has gone on with her problem, this maybe how she feels too.
You're a great Mum for caring enough to worry so!!


maintaining since June'09
S: 15st9.5lb C: 10st13.6lb G: 10st7lb BMI: 24.8 Loss: 4st9.9lb(30.02%)
Aww you're very kind Molly thank you :) xx

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