Please help.

Discussion in 'General Weight Loss Discussion' started by missjelly, 29 September 2011 Social URL.

  1. missjelly

    missjelly Silver Member

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    I'm stuck in a circle and can't at the moment see a way out.

    I suppose I should really start from the (sort of) beginning.

    I lived with Grandparents from birth to about 10 and I was a slim child and always ate slow - too slow really so my grandparents invented the 'who can finish first' game. My Grandfather has always been slim to underweight (5ft 10in and between nearly 7st and just over 10st) my Nan lost over 10st to better her diabetes - she's now 12st (was 26st+ I think)

    I then moved back in with my parents - My mother is about the same as she always was at 5ft 6in and 26st and my dad was 6ft 3in and 28st. Neither really cooked as far as I remember so take-aways was a regular occurrence. Weight increased rapidly. I remember thinking in Year 5 or 6 at school (age 9-10) that as nearly 7st I would never put on another pound!

    Clearly I did. By the time I was 14 - 16 I weighed around 15st. I don't think I weighed myself for some while so this is a guess but at 18-20 I weighed 20st so it's a good guess.

    I tried every diet out there, usually with my Mother but in the end rather than support she tended to join me to sabotage me instead. Many times she tells me she's considerably lighter than me and none of her clothes would come close. There is in fact about a 6size difference but I'm the smaller of the two.

    At school I fell in with a group of the 'outsiders' who I still love now because no one has been so caring to me before or after. The problem with this was - as nice as it was - size didn't matter and I wasn't the biggest one in the group. It meant that trying to lose weight seemed irrelevant for a while.

    This meant that by the time I left school I was nearly 20st. Then I moved to uni halls. For the first 6months I stuck to a VLCD and dropped to 16st13lbs. Then I got lonely and moved home and gained it all over again.

    In Feb 2010 I finally had a gastric band fitted. Between then and Feb 2011 I had dropped from 20st to 14st 13lbs. For the majority of the time period I did really well. I ate slowly for the first time. I ate regularly for the first time. I cut out takeaways full stop. I steamed everything.

    In March, my band was over-tightened and I became really ill. At any one 'meal' I could eat no more than half an egg. But the weight dropped off. I lost nearly a stone in a few weeks. Everyone could see I was pale, weak and very ill but to me the weight loss was more important. Eating made me sick everytime and it became a comforting habit.

    I finally conceded and has an emergency de-fill. At about the same time (few weeks later) my OH returned from being away. He'd been away from Oct 10 so my weight loss and illness had been tackled by myself without distractions. Since he's been back we are together at all times.

    In a way I feel he struggles to understand that as a WLS patient, I am only meant to be able to eat tiny portions. This makes him worry and try to feed me up. Because of this, I eat more. I eat worse. I've gained 12lbs. This gain was in the first month and a half he was back. I have managed to maintain this thus far.

    The thought of going back to being 20st or more terrifies me. I eat as much as I can manage for an easy life and to look normal to others. But the result of this is I am sick. I am sick at least 6 times a day. It's become comforting, at least if I'm sick I can eat the same as everyone else but not get bigger.

    I also find it exciting when what comes out seems like more than went in. On bad days I starve myself for the day. By night I want to eat loads but am restricted and become frustrated. So I have ordered a whole pizza, garlic bread, sides, pudding and a share bottle of pop. I will sit there on the sofa and on the floor in a row will be food - pop - bucket. I will literally take a few bites, swallow, few swigs, swallow, vomit. I will repeat this until all the food is gone.

    I know that eating little and keeping it down will lose me more weight that eating lots and vomiting it up every time. But it's hard. At least this way I'm in control. I have since lied to my dietician on several occasions just so she will send me to have my band tightened a bit more.

    I never thought I would stop enjoying food but it's happened. I just want the weight gone.
     
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  3. RachBlue

    RachBlue Full Member

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    I'm not sure what to say about the rest because it's outside my experience, but I wondered if you can find any authoritative factual info online about the amount of food that people who've had WLS need to eat, to get him to lay off doing that?

    Good luck hon, I hope you get some better answers on the rest of it. :)
     
  4. missjelly

    missjelly Silver Member

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    Diet:
    Heathystuff + gastric band!
    Thanks for the advice.
     
  5. millux

    millux Slim for Summer!

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    Hi, Missjelly! It sounds like you're in a really difficult spot - and this post is extremely alarming.

    It's clear that you have a serious eating disorder. I'm sorry to be blunt but filling your stomach with food & vomiting that much so regularly WILL kill you. This isn't a scare tactic, it's a sad fact. You will become severely malnourished, your muscles (this includes vital organs) will waste away & the acids from your bile will start etching away at your esophagus and decay your teeth. Whenever you vomit it depletes electrolytes from your heart, force-vomiting CAN bring on a heart-attack, and if it doesn't it can still leave you with organ damage whether you notice it now or not. Every time you force-vomit you have a chance of rupturing your esophagus, do you know how much that hurts?

    I'm only saying this because I speak from experience. Thanks to force-vomiting up my meals I now have a serious kink in my heart & I struggle every day. You have not gained control by vomiting, you have LOST control. If you want to gain control you have to BEAT THIS. Talk to someone, please. Would you really rather be dead than healthy? The weight WILL come off, you have to do this for you, when your partner says he wants you to eat more - explicitly tell him that your stomach is now the size of a small ball, and you can only eat what your dietitian has said to eat, otherwise you will be ill. If he is still not supportive then ignore him, you have to do this for YOU. The weight will come off if you just stick to the plan, really. Control is doing as your dietitian tells you, doing what is healthily laid out for you on your post-surgery diet plan. Being a slave to a disorder which WILL kill you is NOT control.

    Please, please, please talk to someone about this - do not let this destroy your life like it did mine. I'm serious. Don't eat over or under your allowance, don't vomit - THAT is you being in control of both your health & your weight. It will come off if you do it correctly. You must get help.

    You really need to get help.
     
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  6. LittleMissThin 17

    LittleMissThin 17 wants to be skinny ♥

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    I just want to second millux, she's said everything I would possibly say. Please get help and good luck :)
     
  7. shrinkingannie

    shrinkingannie Gold Member

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    Yes I think that advice is spot on, I just wanted to add I wish you the very best! I had bulemia for ten years, it is hard to overcome but worth it. You need to speak to your dietician ASAP!
     
  8. LittleSis

    LittleSis Silver Member

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    Please Hun.. Do as millux say's..Get yourself some help..

    As far as your OH is conserned.. Could I suggest taking him along with you when you next go to see your dietician..She can explain to him what you've tried too...

    Please, please stop!! And get help..

    You take care :)
     
  9. Pomooky125

    Pomooky125 Silver Member

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    Hi, I'm sending you a big hug. I think you know you need help and I hope you've spoken to someone. Don't think about it any more, go and see your dietician/GP. Your body can't cope with the stress and you need to sort out the psychological side irrespective of the gastric band.

    I can't comment any more 'cos I'm certainly no expert but I am really worried about you and hope you get the attention and solution that you need and soon.

    Take care...

    Pomooky XX
     
  10. missjelly

    missjelly Silver Member

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    Diet:
    Heathystuff + gastric band!
    Thanks for the support :) I've been to my GP and have been prescribed antidepressants for now, she's also referred me to a therapist who deals with eating disorders.

    My other half only tries to make me eat more than a band patient can because he's worried as he sees how often I'm sick so knows how. much I'm really 'eating' as it were.

    As for being sick, with a band its not really the same as real vomiting. The muscles that move when you retch are below the band and the food I'm 'removing' is above the band so no bile, no retching and no bad teeth. Not that I'm justifying or condoning it at all.

    Gale123 what article are you talking about?
     
  11. Pomooky125

    Pomooky125 Silver Member

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    Hi Miss Jelly

    So glad you posted - was worried about you!

    Here's to you feeling better soon and to normalising your eating. Can you eat any type of food with the band?

    Pomooky XXX
     
  12. Roziee

    Roziee Gold Member

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    I am really concerned for you from reading your post darling. Please don't be offended, but you seem to be in denial in regards to your binge eating and vomitting (please please please don't be upset by that, I truly am just worried) so am pleased that you are seeing a therapist.

    Take everyday as it comes, your partner clearly does not understand how the band works so please educate him so you can eat as much as you need to so you don't feel ill.

    I hope you feel in control soon :)

    Lots of happy thoughts being sent your way.

    Rozie
     
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