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Post weight loss confidence issues

#1
I think maybe I was expecting too much of a change after I lost the majority of my weight. I still think I have some confidence issues, particularly when trying to meet women. I don't think a woman could really find me attractive.

Has anyone else overcome any similar issues. If so, how?

x
 
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#2
Hi Dundermifflin,

Well. Not having got there yet I can't say I've had your problem. Previously I've lost a lot of weight and not had people recognise me which amused and flattered me but I will admit that when they said how good I looked now a perverse part of me was a bit angered that they must have thought I looked pretty bad before.

Self esteem does sound like your biggest issue now. I don't know much about how to boost it but would you believe me if I said that were I thirty or so years younger I would turn round in the street to look at you with interest? You look good and obviously have a brain, having just graduated.

Now you will be moving on from uni (I presume?) you will be going into a new world where no one will have known the old you. You can present any persona you like. Dressing well and having a good positive posture can influence the way people perceive you and if they feel good about you that will boost your self esteem.

Something I do know about is how we can sabotage ourselves with negative thoughts, if someone is continually saying to themselves I can't do this, or this won't work for me then it is like a continual self hypnosis situation whereby they are believing what they say about themselves and it comes true so continuing the cycle.

So changing your internal dialogue can help. Try looking at yourself in a mirror and assessing your good points. Repeat to yourself a positive statement about yourself in the present tense. Only you can work out what is exactly right. Something positive about yourself that you can believe, and say it three times in the present tense. 'I .. (your name) am a kind and goodlooking person worthy of a loving relationship' or something along those lines. Not too long a statement though.

I have been taught that putting it into dramatic language makes your brain take more notice. I was also taught when I was in therapy some years back that doing this in different persons helps too so you do it three times as ' I (name) am ....'
Then three times as 'he, (name) is ...
and then three times is 'You (name) are ...'

which helps counteract the messages we have received directly and indirectly from others.


but I've not seen this advice elsewhere. I found it effective.


This seems a good article on using positive affirmations:

Affirmations - Positive Words for Improving Life

You are good looking and intelligent young man and you will find women who are interested in you and have good relationships. I am positive this will happen for you.

Off I go now to put this into practice myself, I need some reminders to carry on with my own SW plan.
 
#3
That's what I call a reply. I really appreciate you taking the time to write such an eloquent post. I'm going to have a look at the that article now.
Good luck with you SW journey, I have no doubt that you will succeed.
Thanks again :D

Joe x
 

cactus

Gold Member
#4
hi mate i think that can happen - that you expect too much when you lose the weight - you think it will solve every problem in your life, but the way im looking at it - at least when ive lost the weight thats another problem solved


"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks." ~ Joe E. Lewis

LMFAO :D - that reminds me off something George Best said once:

I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.
 
#5
I think maybe I was expecting too much of a change after I lost the majority of my weight. I still think I have some confidence issues, particularly when trying to meet women. I don't think a woman could really find me attractive.

Has anyone else overcome any similar issues. If so, how?

x
I'm no expert by any means and probably don't "practice what I preach" because I can be pretty rubbish with confidence too. However, I think a lot of it will come with time. Maybe your head will catch up when it really sinks in a bit more how much you've acheived with your weight loss. Just think how much healthier you are now and how much happier you must be with yourself. Think about how pleased you are for YOU, without thinking about how it affects other people's perceptions of you, and you might find you start to feel more confident.

As for meeting women, just be yourself! We're often our own worst critics, so just because you might not think you're as attractive as you'd maybe like to be, it doesn't mean that's true at all. Often people see flaws in themselves that other people don't notice in them at all (or they actually find attractive anyway!) :)

You seem lovely and you've acheived so much with your weight loss so don't let it worry you, and you're definitely not alone :)
 
#6
I kind of know what you mean but obviously in reverse...I never think any guys would be interested in me. My friends always look so great and even tho I've lost 60lb (I have more to go) I often wonder why anyone would want to be with me. I do think the previous posts are right about confidence and the mind catching up and it really makes sense - I just hope my mind catches up soon!

I'm so sorry I haven't been much help but I'm sure any woman that goes out with ya will be very lucky to have you!

X
 
#7
You need to get out there and start socialising. Go to as many clubs, pubs, house parties etc as you possibly can. Can you hold your own house party? This would be ideal-get your friends to bring any good looking female friends along. If not, get to clubs and pubs at the weekend. Dating is a numbers game. Just go up to girls and say "Hi my name's joe how are you?" If they're not interested, just move on. If you get stuck or don't like the person etc etc, say you have to go to the toilet. Go to the loo to keep your alibi straight. When you come back, just start talking to someone else. Talk to randomners too. Don't just stick to your own group of mates either. You should find at least one interesting girl this way! If not, remember its a numbers game, the more people you meet, the more likely your confidence and dating life will improve. The more people you chat up, the more relaxed and at ease you will feel doing it. People have always called me a bit of a flirt cos I'll just talk to randomners or whatever but why not? Like you're not on a night out to be sitting in the corner, are ya?:)

If that is a bit OTT for ya, then start a hobby. Salsa dancing would be a good one as lots of girlies do it. Good luck x
 

BopKatie

Silver Member
#8
Hi Joe :)

I'm Katie... I have similar confidence issues as you, but still a lot of weight to lose yet, as some cruel people at university love to remind me!

Firstly well done on your weight loss. You look awesome!. I agree with the previous posts, do as much socialising as you can with as many new people as you can... Try not to let your insecurities show as they are people who do not know you... I know thats easier said than done..... but the worst they can do is say they aren't interested and you can move on.

You seem like a really decent, very good looking guy so you should try to think that any girl would be lucky to be with you :)

Bit of a short reply, but feel free to chat to me anytime if you want to. Take care

Katie x
 


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