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purging, needs help , some one tell me its ok !!!

mandy0206

30 pounds to go
S: 17st4lb C: 13st11lb G: 11st6lb BMI: 36.5 Loss: 3st7lb(20.25%)
#1
Some may remember I started a thread last week, but took it down, due to a little negativity and non understanding and I was not ready for that.
I need a place to vent my story too, please be welcome to share story if you are in a similar situation ! Please!
And if u haven't experienced this and think "JUST STOP" please don't comment, because I need support and ppl to understand .
So I have purged my self to loose weight, I started sf and lost 40-50 on my own, exercise, proper diet. Then I got stuck and would start purging afterwards ... That's how I lost another 10-15 pounds.
I wanna loose 15 more pounds and won't / can't stop!!!!!! Not till I'm at my goal weight.
I keep telling my self just stop, do it right and exercise, Ull b ok.
I've gotten away w doing this for a month with out my fiancee or child knowing, but it's too much !!!! I want to b able to enjoy eating instead of not eating, ... I eat once a day and purge. I eat with noone around and plenty of time to b alone to purge.
But ive had enough !!!!
I'm at the point I see its a problem. I just want to know and hear everything is ok, you'll b fine!!!!
But I won't listen to my self. Part of me wants to hear the negativity side, but I already know it. The other part wants to never hear it, till I'm at my goal weight.
Omg. I've never cried over this, till tonight when I ate a cheeseburger n fries that my fiance made me and lied n said I ate too much and had a belly ache , that's y I had to purge. I lie all the time and say I already ate.
I feel like I have a double life. Any one else going through this ?
Please dont judge me negatively
 
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Micci

Gold Member
S: 17st2lb C: 16st2.5lb G: 12st0lb BMI: 36.6 Loss: 0st13.5lb(5.63%)
#2
Hi Mandy,

you have already started your journey to recovery. You know you have a problem and you are looking for help. Well done you.

I cannot talk from personal experience of purging, but I'm going to share my secret that I've not told anyone, IRL or here, I used to lose and maintain by binging and fasting helped by appetite suppressant drugs. I can no longer fast without the drugs and am not using them anymore and its h a r d to change my eating habits. so I can identify with the deceit.

On the binging thread that you have posted on, Aline posted a link to a very supportive website and I posted a link to a help line. I've not tried it but Lesley has and could maybe tell us more, I know she had one talk with them and was promised another but she has not told us about that.

Can you go to you GP and say how you need help? They should be able to get you a refereral but Pomooky's experience has not been good with what the GP could provide. I still, maybe naively, think that going back and asking for more should get you something but I've seen in my own family how getting psychiatric support can be hard/impossible.

I'll send this now and get the links I posted before that give details of eating disorder help through out the country.

Hang on in there Mandy, you CAN change, you are obviously determined from your first post, to come back and ask again.

Micci xxx
 

Micci

Gold Member
S: 17st2lb C: 16st2.5lb G: 12st0lb BMI: 36.6 Loss: 0st13.5lb(5.63%)
#3
Hello again Mandy,

I found this about self help groups, at the end is the help line number:

The Beat Network: Self Help & Support Groups
The Beat Network: Self Help & Support Groups
The Beat Network is a UK-wide network of almost 400 volunteer Group Facilitators who offer support and information to people affected by eating disorders, by setting up and running Self Help & Support Groups.

It currently comprises 81 individual Groups across the UK, and each one offers support and information to people over 18 affected by eating disorders.

Beat groups do not offer treatment, counselling or therapy.

Beat has a range of Self Help and Support Groups catering for the differing needs of people affected by eating disorders. There are groups open to:

people with all types of eating disorders
people with anorexia or bulimia only
people with compulsive overeating issues
carers, families and friends of people with eating disorders
All current Beat groups are OPEN groups. This means they are open to anyone within the 'client group' they specify. Medical referral to a Beat Group is not necessary.

To find your nearest UK based Self Help and Support Group, click here to use our HelpFinder service. Or call our helplines on 0845 634 1414

****************

the links don't seem to work now I've cut and pasted,

it came from this website:

beat : The Beat Network: Self Help & Support Groups
 
#5
Mandy

I can relate to how desperate you feel when you can't get help. Do you think your fiance would understand if you talked to him? Maybe you don't want to share it with him in case he gets involved and you will lose your "secret" moments which give you so much relief? I don't know about this and I'm not sure how it goes where you are with seeing a doctor and getting a referral to a specialist. Please try and get some professional help.

You will get better and lose the weight in the way you did before but you need loads of support. Dieting is much harder work than purging but much easier on your body and soul. Does it matter if it takes longer to lose the weight? Your boyfriend obviously loves you just as you are - don't panic - try to do one day without purging and then set yourself another goal.

My thoughts are with you and I know you just can't stop but you can ease off, slow down and you will get there.


Hugs Pomooky XX
 

mandy0206

30 pounds to go
S: 17st4lb C: 13st11lb G: 11st6lb BMI: 36.5 Loss: 3st7lb(20.25%)
#6
Thank u all. I can not repost individually to everyone , but I have been to a specialist to make sure I'm not causing too much damage to my body, I am just fine.
I do need to go talk to a therapist, but to b honest, I'm scared to death. I dunno y cuz I love talking about my problems!! Boyfriends, drama, girls, ect.
But this, ya touchy subject.
I think I'm scared cuz what they will tell me will help, this may sound so selfish, but I don't want the help, YET till I'm at my goal weight, and then if I can't stop, ill need therapy.
But deep down, I know that's not true. I know if I stop today, and go back to dieting, ill b able to loose the weight just fine. But that is where this damn disorder comes in! It's not that easy!!!!!!!!!
It's over taking my life, its a Friday night and I got invited out to dinner n drinks with friends, and Hell I need it from this week I have had, but I won't do it
I have talked to my fiance about a year ago. I told him. He doesn't understand. I told him I stopped when I got pregnant , and I did, he just doesn't know I started again after she was born. I don't want to tell him, cuz he watched me eat, and would walk in on me in bathroom I couldn't hide it from him. And I don't want that all over again.
He would support me all the way. But thinks I should just b able to stop, and that is impossible.
All the links u ladies have sent, I will look into it! I think I'm going to talk to my Dr and ask to n refereed to a specialist and get it over with already, so that when I do stop, if I ever gain again I'll b able to not start purging again..
BUT, I've already started thinking I need to loose more, ya ill b at my goal weight, but won't look good to wear shorts and ect. Which I'm scared I might b having body disforgmenta (sp) cuz I should b happy as Hell being a size 13 not a 18 and 63 pounds smaller. But I can still tell a chubby vs too skinny person.
Bla I dunno anymore
 
#7
all i can offer you is to be in my prayers
hunny,i won't even begin to presume i
know what you are going through because i don't,but just thought i would
offer this at least.
 

mandy0206

30 pounds to go
S: 17st4lb C: 13st11lb G: 11st6lb BMI: 36.5 Loss: 3st7lb(20.25%)
#8
So I need a woman post this on chat, I have to share ...
MsJMC said:
Bulimia & Binge Eating Self-Help

Bulimia affects more women than men, and commonly starts in the late teens or early twenties following a strict diet or stressful life event. The individual most likely has a poor self-image, and places much emphasis on needing to be thin to be attractive.
In bulimia, the individual will try to control their weight by restricting their diet, but then crave food and binge. This is followed by vomiting, over-exercising or taking pills (laxatives, diuretics, diet), and are often of normal weight.
Binge eating can occur in the same way as bulimia, but there is no use of weight-controlling strategies such as vomiting, laxatives, over-exercise, and individuals are often over-weight. Others binge eat as a way of coping with distressing emotions: extreme "comfort eating", but binge eating ends up making them feel worse about themselves.

Common thoughts, physical symptoms, emotions and behaviours are:
Thoughts

[*]Negative self beliefs: Judge self by what I eat and look like
[*]Strict and rigid rules about what I can can eat (impossible to stick to) - I must stick rigidly to my diet regime
[*]Focus of attention is taken up with food and eating
[*]What I should or shouldn't eat
[*]Self-critical thoughts when don't keep to rules: I'm a failure, I'm useless and weak, I'm worthless
[*]I'm unattractive and unlovable
[*]If I start eating, I won't be able to stop - I'm out of control
[*]If I'm not perfect, then I'm a complete failure
[*]If I eat, I'll feel better

Physical symptoms

[*]Weight gain - weight can vary due to alternating bingeing and dieting
[*]Nausea, bloating, abdominal pain
[*]Dizziness
[*]Dry and flaky skin
[*]Difficulty concentrating
[*]Sleeping problems
[*]Dehydration
[*]Tired, weak, run-down
[*]Damage to teeth - sensitive, discoloured.
[*]Mouth sores
[*]Swollen hands or feet
[*]Sore throat, hoarse voice
[*]Swollen cheeks
[*]Long term: (bulimia) anaemia, kidney damage, lack of menstrual periods, cardiac failure, loss of teeth, stomach ulcers, risk of rupture of stomach and oesophagus, heart problems
[*]Long term: (binge eating) obesity and associated health problems, including type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease

Emotions

[*]Depression
[*]Anxiety
[*]Guilt
[*]Shame
[*]Low self-esteem

Behaviours

[*]Over-eating, often in the evenings
[*]Controlling food intake: try to stick to rigid diet, fail, then binge
[*]Don't eat normal meals
[*]Eat alone, perhaps at night, secretively
[*]Attempts to control weight (bulimia): Vomiting after eating, Disguising sound (run taps, flush toilet) and smell of vomiting (air-freshener, mints, perfume, mouthwash); Using laxatives, diet or diuretic pills; Exercising too much to try to control weight gain, or crash diets


Vicious cycle of Bulimia - what keeps it going?



Vicious Cycle of Binge Eating - similar, but no purging

Before starting any self-help plan, particularly one that includes a diet and exercise plan - see your GP (or other appropriate health professional)

Doing things differently

[*]Spend some time working out the times when you're most likely to binge - notice the thoughts that you often seem to have, the physical sensations, the emotions and how you react to them - then do something differently at those times. See this page
[*]Do something that takes up your attention - mindful activity
[*]Compromise - eat a small portion if you really can't resist
[*]Get healthier food in, rather than sugar-rich foods
[*]Drink 6 - 8 glasses of water each day
[*]Seek help - others will support you
[*]Keep a food diary to assess your current intake, then...
[*]Create a simple menu plan with a suitable health professional - and stick to it! E.g. 3 meals and 3 snacks per day
[*]Weigh yourself no more often than weekly
[*]Exercise contract - again, agreed with a suitable health professional. Stick to it! (Guide - 30 minutes of moderate exercise each day, include e.g. getting off the bus one stop early, taking stairs instead of lift)
[*]Use medication appropriately and only as prescribed - avoid laxatives, diet pills, diuretics
[*]Eat with trusted family and friends rather than isolate yourself
[*]Don't rush food - sit down and eat slowly, enjoying the taste. Eat mindfully
[*]Reward and treat yourself with something other than food when you've done well - something relaxing or fun
[*]Use a Cravings Diaryto help you do things differently

Thinking differently

[*]STOPP! Pause, take a breath, don't react automatically
[*]Understanding links between thoughts, feelings and behaviours - see CBT self help courses
[*]Positive self-talk - encourage yourself, tell yourself: I can do this, I am strong and capable - find an affirmation that works for you (even if you don't believe it at first!). Write it down and memorise it for when you need it. See Affirmations
[*]Be aware of those unhelpful thinking habits, including "compare and despair" - comparing yourself to others which trigger upsetting thoughts
[*]Ask yourself:
[*]Am I doing that "compare and despair" thing where I compare myself to others, which makes me feel bad about myself?
[*]Is there another way of looking at this?
[*]Am I getting things out of proportion?
[*]Am I underestimating my ability to cope?
[*]Am I mind-reading what others might be thinking?
[*]Am I doing that black-and-white thinking? There are shades of grey! I don't have to be 100% perfect, it's ok to be just ok.
[*]What advice would I give someone else in this situation?
[*]Am I putting more pressure on myself, setting up expectations of myself that are almost impossible? What would be more realistic?
[*]Just because I feel bad, doesn't mean things really are bad.
[*]What do I want or need from this person or situation? What do they want or need from me? Is there a compromise?
[*]What would be the consequences of responding the way I usually do?
[*]Is there another way of dealing with this? What would be the most helpful and effective action to take? (for me, for the situation, for the other person)
[*]Am I exaggerating the good aspects of others, and putting myself down? Or am I exaggerating the negative and minimising the positives? How would someone else see it? What’s the bigger picture?

When dealing with cravings or trying to break a binge:


[*]STOPP! Pause, take a breath
[*]Mindfulness - learn Mindful Breathing
[*]Drink a large glass of water, iced tea or vegetable juice, and pause
[*]Write down what you eat whilst you binge
[*]Focus your attention fully on another activity - Mindful activity
[*]Do something different (to what you normally do)
[*]If you carry on eating, eat very slowly, and mindfully. Eat foods that take more chewing such as raw vegetables
[*]Relaxation techniques - try lots and find one that works for you
[*]Put on some music - sing and dance along, or just listen attentively (use music that is likely to help you feel your desired emotion - avoid sad songs if you're depressed)
[*]Meditation or Prayer
[*]Help others
[*]Be with others - contact a friend, visit family
[*]Talk to someone
[*]Grounding techniques - look around you, what do you see, hear, smell, sense? Hold a comforting object.
[*]Engage in a hobby or other interest - if you don't have one, find one! What have you enjoyed in the past? What have you sometimes thought about doing but not got around to?
[*]Write down your thoughts and feelings - get them out of your head
[*]Just take one step at a time - don't plan too far ahead
[*]Pamper yourself - do something you really enjoy, or do something relaxing
[*]Positive self-talk - encourage yourself, tell yourself: I can do this, I am strong and capable - find an affirmation that works for you (even if you don't believe it at first!). Write it down and memorise it for when you need it. See Affirmations
[*]Do something creative - make a box of items that remind you to use the techniques that help, or put photos on paper, or write and decorate a list
[*]Use Safe Place Imagery
[*]Tell yourself: "This will pass, it's only temporary". "I've got through this before, I can do it now". When we're going through a tunnel and become fearful of being trapped, there's no point in stopping - we just have to carry on in order to reach the end of the tunnel. That light is there, and waiting!
[*]Find an alternative and healthier way of dealing with distress
[*]If you have a setback and binge - tell yourself it's ok, it's only once - don't dwell on it too much (other than see what triggered it so that you can then get back onto your self help plan)
 

mandy0206

30 pounds to go
S: 17st4lb C: 13st11lb G: 11st6lb BMI: 36.5 Loss: 3st7lb(20.25%)
#9
Horrible day
Day 2 I've cried over this.
Wow I never pictured myself NOT being in control.
I can't believe I actually have a disorder.
I didn't think I did, cuz I thought I could stop anytime I could.
And I can't.
Wow :(
 
#10
Mandy - you CAN control it, just not now. There's some kind of psychological blip - I don't know what - that throws us off track. I know my problem isn't the same but it follows the same patterns; I do well for weeks then get completely out of control and eat packs of biscuits, frozen stuff, whatever! I then feel disgusted with myself and think what the hell, where's the kit-kats? It's a vicious circle but it can be broken.

This completely puts me back to square one. But then I stop again - you will too. Each time I stop for longer so I know I'm capable of it. These are habits which we have learned - everyone has their own demons but we just have to keep on at them. I didn't want to be part of the "eating disorder" or "fatties" club either! I was in self-denial but once you admit it, which you have, you are on the right track.

Did you make an appointment with your GP? Don't put it off even though you're nervous. I felt like you too Chrsitmas time but now feel more positive because I stopped myself so many times. You will too, I am sure.

Big Hug Pomooky
 

largelesley

Silver Member
S: 18st3lb C: 18st0lb Loss: 0st3lb(1.18%)
#11
Mandy im so glad you realise it is a problem and that you need some help
If you read some of your first posts you were always so sure you could stop and it wasnt a problem for you
So look how far you have came and you will do it im sure
Im the last person to give advise with my problems but you ave a lovely bloke and a little girl
And you deserve to be happier than you are do it for you
And if you fall of that wagon get strait bak on we will help you
Take are my friend xxx
 

mandy0206

30 pounds to go
S: 17st4lb C: 13st11lb G: 11st6lb BMI: 36.5 Loss: 3st7lb(20.25%)
#12
<3 it !!!
I'm.so happy!!! I survived today !!!!!! No purging!!! I am stuffed so much, and I don't like that feeling. But, I'm proud I did it!!!!
I'm happy I did it! No weighing myself thow!!!!
How are u holding up.?
 

Micci

Gold Member
S: 17st2lb C: 16st2.5lb G: 12st0lb BMI: 36.6 Loss: 0st13.5lb(5.63%)
#13
Really really well done Mandy. I had people round yesterday, nice barbecue but I over did it food wise. That stupid mind set of 'tomorrow I start so I'd better make the most of today' silly me 'cos tomorrow is here and I'm about to get on the scales and it won't be good ..

But back to you ... my thoughts and good wishes are with you to get through today

Micci xxx
 
#14
Mandy - I'm sending you some virtual support to keep you going! You're doing well and can kick out that panicky feeling of losing control now - you know you can pull back and stop.

Pomooky XX
 

mandy0206

30 pounds to go
S: 17st4lb C: 13st11lb G: 11st6lb BMI: 36.5 Loss: 3st7lb(20.25%)
#15
Micci, hope u atleast enjoyed ur bbq!!!!! I am in no way able to tell u what to do as I have a very long road ahead of me, but I can tell u if u throw that scale away, and try your hardest, and u have one day of being "normal" its a great feeling to recovery! It's also scary knowing in my situation I probably gained some weight, but I'm trying to focus on working out instead.

Thank u for your support !!
 

mandy0206

30 pounds to go
S: 17st4lb C: 13st11lb G: 11st6lb BMI: 36.5 Loss: 3st7lb(20.25%)
#16
largelesley said:
Mandy im so glad you realise it is a problem and that you need some help
If you read some of your first posts you were always so sure you could stop and it wasnt a problem for you
So look how far you have came and you will do it im sure
Im the last person to give advise with my problems but you ave a lovely bloke and a little girl
And you deserve to be happier than you are do it for you
And if you fall of that wagon get strait bak on we will help you
Take are my friend xxx
Thank u love. How are u doing ? Did u get my post about switching ur name on here ?
 

Micci

Gold Member
S: 17st2lb C: 16st2.5lb G: 12st0lb BMI: 36.6 Loss: 0st13.5lb(5.63%)
#18
Well done Mandy, you're doing brilliantly! I'm thinking of you today, I'm sure you can do three days.
 

mandy0206

30 pounds to go
S: 17st4lb C: 13st11lb G: 11st6lb BMI: 36.5 Loss: 3st7lb(20.25%)
#19
Micci said:
Well done Mandy, you're doing brilliantly! I'm thinking of you today, I'm sure you can do three days.
Thank u !!! The thought crosses my mind, but with out weighing my self, its not that hard. I have no idea what I weigh but I am just going how I look, I don't see a weight gain, and I'm just exercising instead now.
I went to buy pants and I'm in an 11 vs a 17 from 5 montgs ago. That feels great.
 

krupskaya

Gold Member
S: 12st12lb C: 11st4lb G: 9st11lb BMI: 28.4 Loss: 1st8lb(12.22%)
#20
Well done Mandy, that sounds like a very sensible approach to take. Keep on keeping on - you can do it!
 


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