Ramblings of a chronic binge eater

[KatieKaye]

So here I am, week three and starting to struggle so I thought I'd start a diary to try and keep me on track...I love reading everyone else's diaries on here and find it really inspirational, so here goes.

I started CD after realising that a year after uni I was still eating like a student and never mind the fresher's 14 I ...I'm lugging around what has become a 'graduate's 35'.

I have tried weight watchers with limited success, slimming world with even less success and then opted to try and 'do it myself' and eat healthily and exercise. The trouble with all of it is that I do ok for the first week, then the measuring gets a bit boring, and then there's that essential celebration event which I cannot possibly be on a diet for...then there's the days that I feel down and 'deserve a treat' (why do we feel the need to have all these 'treats'?) then, oh I don't know, it's thursday and friday is my night in with my OH so we could have a takeaway, which means there's no point dieting before that and then it's the weekend, so I'll start on monday...you get the drift.

Once I start to gain weight I seem to get a bit 'oh sod it' and start telling myself I'm happy with my new weight and that not everything is about being slim, thus giving myself permission to give in time and time again. Before I know it I'm waiting for my OH to be out for the evening and heading to Asda and blowing half a days wages on junk. I binge eat in secret and shamefully hide the wrappers in the bin outside so my OH (who tries so hard to support me in my weight loss) doesn't see them. The weird thing is, once the wrappers have gone, I feel almost like I haven't eaten anything and feel genuinely outraged when my OH suggests that maybe I haven't stuck to the plan - even as I'm lying on the bed trying the wrench the zip up on my jeans!!

So food is my drug. And I get in a horrible cycle of bingeing, gaining, pretending that I'm happy then all of a sudden breaking down because I realise that I haven't looked at myself properly in the mirror for weeks and now I'm about to go out and none of my clothes fit. That's when I start a diet, do well for a week...and it goes round again. Except each time my start weight is a bit higher and everything a little bit more desperate....:cry:

The turning point came for me when I was looking at last years holiday photos. In all of them I am hiding. Behind another friend, ducking under the water in the pool or cowering under a sarong, doing that casual I-just-happen-to -have- my -arms-draped-across-my-stomach look . In all the others I am eating! What made me really sad is that my OH pointed out that there weren't any of me and him. He's right, there aren't so this year I want it to be different. It's not about being a skinny mini in my bikini, it's about feeling fab and recording the great times with my friends without desperately flicking through the pics pressing the 'delete' button.

So here I am week 3. CD appealed because it takes food out of the equation and it's so straightforward. For the first few days I had a headache and was horrible to be around, but after that it has been great! I have lots more energy and apart from the dragon breath it seems to suit me.

Week 1 -6.5lbs, Week 2 -4lbs Week 3.....stayed the same?! I definitely 100% hand on heart have stuck to the plan. Does anyone else have weeks where they don't lose? any tips? Sorry for my weird ramblings, I think I needed to get everything down..promise the next posts won't be so long!

 

[Kf12g10]

It's like reading about me and you have about the same amount to lose as me too

Last week I didn't lose any at all, although I wasn't 100%

Are you still SSing? Because you should be on a higher plan now due to your BMI

It may be the case that your body has actually lost it's excess fat already and that in order for your body not to sink in to starvation mode you need to increase your calories

Look at the list and have a small meal at least everyday with protein and veg

You'll feel much betterm have loads of energy and best of all probably (due to your weight) lose MORE weight than when just having shakes

Good Luck!!

 

[Katyo]

Hello Katie, just wanted to say well done on getting this far, if you stick with it you wil be so happy that you did - it is so worth it honestly.
Sorry you are struggling this week - seeing the losses on the scales each week really help to keep you motivated so I understand you would feel a little disheartened. But! Logic says that if you are 100% then you are def losing weight whatever the scales say and next week you will prob get a very pleasant surprise! Keep the faith!!
Good luck, oh and btw, reading your diary - you sound so much like me - I feel your pain xxxx
We can do this......

 

[ROSB]

Hi

As the other posted said it is like reading your own story.

I have been overweight ALL of my adult life (I am 50 ), I have been at 'goal' weight twice, once on WW when I was in my 20's and the second time 6 years ago on LL.

All the 6 1/2 stone I lost on LL went back on over the last 5 years.

This time I am just trying to get down down to 12 stone (got to under 9 stone on the last 2 occasions) as I can remember being 12 stone 'on the way up' and thinking I looked good at that weight.

I am not losing loads each week like I did first time round but I am feeling happier as the Lbs come off.

Keep up your good work and you will get to where you want to be, then I think its a case of not getting hung up on worrying about what you are eating so that you binge eat again - listen to me 'the expert' - NOT!

I have yo say if I dont do it this time I shall give up as I feel I have wasted so much time and energy dieting and I just want to be 'normal' around food.

 

[KatieKaye]

Hello everyone, how are we all? Thank you for your messages, I got ridiculously excited that people actually replied! I'm glad to find out that I'm not the only one who has this weird relationship with food/weight.

Your advice is really helpful and makes sense...maybe my body is holding on because it has gone into starvation mode. I wonder why my cdc didn't suggest it...she just said to cut out caffeine and eat more linseeds (by the way...this diet is not great for the digestive system. Thank god for linseeds, have to say they do the trick!) I sneakily weighed myself today which I have resisted during the week because I don't want to get overexcited or disheartened. However, several days of linseeds and extra water later I couldn't resist....and I'm another 4lbs down! lol, maybe the combo of a bit of extra food and erm....some movement has brought about this success! That takes me to my first stone down and I'm soooo happy, you are right, it is worth it! Going to wait for WI to make it official though as obv scales may vary.

So how have your weekends been? I find it really hard to stay on track when I'm out of the work routine, especially as yesterday it was my last day at my current job and everyone had brought cakes and sweets in as presents...then we went bowling and everyone was drinking/buying curly fries (yum!) and then we went to the pub! I do admit I had a chicken breast with bbq sauce and a bit of mozzarella, but I swapped the chips for green salad with no dressing and only had a half of diet coke. Hope that wasn't too bad. Didn't touch the cakes etc and felt quite proud I resisted because usually I would be in there face first!! I think this qualifies as my first 'special occasion' since staring CDP and apart from the chicken I did OK. Today has been hard too because I was up early house hunting with my OH so been using way more energy than usual travelling to London, walking all over the place and all the bloody stairs on the underground! For the first time in a while I got a bit ratty and had to be fed my Peanut Crunch bar in a hurry! Then we went to visit family, who were cooking the yummiest smelling pasta for lunch. I actually felt really uncomfortable saying that I didn't want to have any....do you guys ever find that? It would be so much easier just to think 'sod it' and think 'oh I'll eat it to be polite' but I did bite the bullet and tried to make light of it and explained I am on CD. Thing is then the family kept giving me the 'you don't want to lose too much weight' talk. I ended up having some salad to prove I'm not starving myself...but literally just green leaves and some balsamic so hope it isn't a prob (listen to that...how daft! when did lettuce ever hurt anyone but you never know with this diet!)

Anyway, this brings me to one of my random thoughts which I would love your input on:

At lunchtime at work this week I was sat with my normal crowd plus a few others, they all had their paninis etc and I was there with my tetra chatting away. One of the women who isn't usually there obviously noticed what I was having and started asking about CD, what it involved etc etc. I gave her the basics and people round the table (who are a mix if shapes and sizes) got chatting about diets and having a giggle as girl do. However, little did I expect what came from this ladies mouth next... she waited for it to be quiet, looked directly at me and said 'I'm going to give you a bit of a lecture now...why don't you just stop all this dieting business and accept yourself, it doesn't matter what size you are, just be happy. And any way that's a stupid faddy way to go about it and you'll only put it all back on again after you finish. What's the point?' Now, I should add at this point that the speaker is a size 6 (seriously!), and had just that moment revealed amidst the diet-talk that she had never had to diet because she stays the same and has done all her life! Was I wrong to be hugely offended by her attitude? I think her comments were kindly meant, but I thought it was a) really off for her to basically make out that I was being blind in following this plan and to discourage me in that way and b) to start spouting about 'self acceptance' after revealing that she has never in her life struggled with her weight (and is very slim and willowy). OK love, you try squeezing into a 'large' in a shop and finding it makes you look like a sausage with an elastic band round the middle. I mean I accept and support anyone who is a curvy girl and genuinely happy with the way she looks. Not everyone is aiming for a size 8, or even a 12, and I have a good friend who is actively trying to gain weight, and I think that's great because I know some slim people have body issues too (even though she is currently at my target weight haha!). But how dare anyone judge anyone else and make them feel small if they are obviously trying to change something about themselves to help them feel more confident? I left the conversation doubting myself and feeling really small...and hers isn't the first attitude that I've come across. We all know that if we stop ss-ing etc and start eating our hearts out again we are going to gain weight, and yes, this is a drastic diet. But it works and you only have to read the forums to see how people feel so great about themselves when they succeed. It's not just the weight-loss, it's the feeling of pride when you reach your mini goals and the self-esteem which grows and the support groups and friendships which build. Not to mention the health benefits. Yes I may be eating 'too few' calories, but surely that is better than continuing to shovel down the fat and salt I was before? Plus there is the maintenance program, we are none of us doing this just because we are lazy and want quick results. From what I read the majority of us are battling with a life long bad relationship with both food and diets!

Anyway, rant over. Any thoughts? have I overreacted? (I didn't say anything to this person, just smiled politely and was rescued by a friend who causally mentioned that we needed to get back to work).

Would love to know people's thoughts...has this ever happened to you?

 

[Cee]

Hey chick! First of all, thought you said your next posts would be shorter?? lol! Just kidding! I enjoy reading your posts.
Right! You haven't over reacted, if I were you I'd be just as upset about those comments. You already said everything in your post. The reasons to do CD etc etc. If you go back to eating like you used to, you'll gain the weight back, no matter what diet you do, you're right! You owe her no explanation for what you're doing to make yourself healthier. As for eating 'too few' calories...Something a lot of people don't realise is that our ancestors didn't eat 2000 calories a day everyday! They ate fruit and veg and occassionally, when they got lucky and caught a large animal, they'd feast on that for a couple of days. Our bodies are best adapted to fasting periods, and to eating very few calories. Research has shown that eating very few calories actually prolongs life and makes you significantly healthier than someone doing a 'normal' diet.
As far as I'm concerned, if I lose weight and then gain it back, no matter how many times I run the cycle, as long as I keep trying to be a healthy weight, it's better than just staying overweight ALL my life. At least I'll only be overweight half my life, or less. lol!
Let's just ignore this woman, she obviously has no idea what it's like to have weight issues, so her opinion doesn't count. She's never felt so ugly because of her weight that she doesn't appear in any of her kids birthday or holiday pics, leaving no memories of her presence in her children's lives....Even if she had been through all what we go through and said what she said, she'd still be wrong, we all have our own paths and our own lessons to learn don't we?
Good luck with it hun, keep going! Ignore the negative comments, when they see the weight falling off, they'll be very proud of you and respect you for sticking to it as you're doing.
..And yes, it happens all the time. Hence why I don't tell people when I'm doing CD anymore. It can be a little annoying people telling you that you're being stupid doing that diet! I go out for a walk during my lunch and they don't know anything, if they notice the weight loss and ask what I'm doing I'll tell them. it's always harder for people to critisize AFTER they've seen the weight coming off.
By the way, I met a woman a couple of months ago who did LL and lost 5 stones and has maintained for about 2 years, without having to go back on it! It can be done! x

 

[KatieKaye]

Lol, thanks cee, I did ramble on a bit. My oh was out so looks like u swapped my usual pizza, crisps, choc binge for a word binge! You are right, we shouldn't let stuff like that get to us. I think from now on in going to keep quiet about the cd unless directly asked. Seems a shame to have to hide away at lunch time, but thinking about a a walk will probably do me good.

 

[bettiesrevenge]

Ooooh hello there!!

I think you are right to feel agrived, anyone who is naturally a willowy size 6 has no right to comment on anyone any bigger than a 12 and what they are, or are not doing to lose weight. Hell, she may be a coke snorting cousin of michelle phiffer circa 1978 with a physique like that.

In my first incarnation as a sole source devote' I would get people "tut tutting" at me all the time, in work, at home, I remember once going to jimmy spices global buffet in Birmingham for my sisters birthday and sitting all focused in in the corner of the table closest to the "amenities" nursing a jug of water. This bint, was intent on grilling me on my weightloss and was insisting I was starving...I was counter atacking that I was not in the least, and then suddenly she all but assaulted me with a buffalo chicken wing on the end of a mighty pointy folk. It was inches from my lip honestly!!!

Some people just have an issue with it, I dont know why, perhaps its because they dont have the resolve to do it? Perhaps because they are mad, perhaps they are "naturally willowy"...

Personally I tell everyone to take a running jump and they can kiss my skinny butt when I see them in a few months time. Dont hide away like its some dirty secret, slurp that tetra with pride, then breathe death breath on them all for good measure!

Nat

 

[KatieKaye]

Had WI yesterday...and still nothing!! I stayed the same. I don't get it. Even if my scales at home are different from my cdc's ones, I still saw a loss, even if the actual final weight varies. I think that maybe I just have to SS only...no 120g of chicken or milk in tea or anything. I felt quite down because although I have been out for dinner I did try really really hard to stick to things which are 'allowed' when out. Plus I'm doing loads of walking as part of my commute and stuck to bars and shakes the rest of the time. Plus loads of water, plus the linseeds (lots of linseeds haha!). Bit confused but hey ho, rather than give up I'm going to go completely ss again and stick to shakes rather than having bars to see whether I can bust through this plateau! I also swapped my weigh in from a wednesday eve for a saturday morning. I always weigh much less in the morning and really could do with the mental boost of seeing an 'official' loss. I don't want to start dreading WI even when I have been good and wonder whether it might be a bit silly to get weighed after a day of drinking loads and getting hot and sweaty and feeling bloated etc (yeah I'm not so sexy after a day a work and on the train lol!)

Thank you to Cee and Nat for your comments. I had a giggle reading them, I did have a bit of a rant didn't I?! oh well, you win some you lose some (unless you are me and apparently lose nothing). hmph

 

[Cee]

Hiya! Well done for sticking to it despite staying the same. You might have a big loss next week which will account for this week. As you said, SS might be the way to go for you. It WILL come off if you're sticking to the plan, just remember that hun x

 

[KatieKaye]

Hiya! Well done for sticking to it despite staying the same. You might have a big loss next week which will account for this week. As you said, SS might be the way to go for you. It WILL come off if you're sticking to the plan, just remember that hun x

Thanks cee, I've been having big doubts today wondering whether to switch to ww. I mean if im not losing just having v little maybe I would be better to swap to a diet where I can at least have fruit and veg... My skin has come out in the biggest break out, feel like a teenager! I'm going to give it a big push with ss until a week Saturday and hopefully that will make the difference. Care to join me in a 7 day 100%? how are you getting on this week? X

 

[Lily]

Week 3 (and sometimes Week 4) losses are notorious for being small ones or STS. It's just your body adjusting to the loss in pounds - you've lost quite a large percentage of your body weight in a matter of weeks so it's 'protecting' you by retaining water.

You hang tight, and the scales will start to shift again, promise. If you switch to WW right now and introduce carbs again, they'll bounce back up several pounds - and it sounds like that's something you might find tricky to deal with, given what you've said about binging. :hug99:

Though as someone else has said, you should be on 810 once you reach a BMI of 25, otherwise you risk losing lean muscle mass. You need the extra protein in the 810 food plan now.

I think you'll see a loss at the scales next week. Your CDC will probably want you to move up to 810 as well.

 

[KatieKaye]

Week 3 (and sometimes Week 4) losses are notorious for being small ones or STS. It's just your body adjusting to the loss in pounds - you've lost quite a large percentage of your body weight in a matter of weeks so it's 'protecting' you by retaining water.

You hang tight, and the scales will start to shift again, promise. If you switch to WW right now and introduce carbs again, they'll bounce back up several pounds - and it sounds like that's something you might find tricky to deal with, given what you've said about binging. :hug99:

Though as someone else has said, you should be on 810 once you reach a BMI of 25, otherwise you risk losing lean muscle mass. You need the extra protein in the 810 food plan now.

I think you'll see a loss at the scales next week. Your CDC will probably want you to move up to 810 as well.

Hello Lilly, I don't know why but your message made me cry (hormones anyone?!) but in a good way. It's lovely to have some reassurance, this forum is a total lifesaver. I think it's easy to panic when you stay the same, kind of a 'oh what's the point I'm stuck like this' sort of thing. but today I have faithfully stuck to my tetras and water. I had a near miss with a tin of mackerel in spicy tomato sauce when i got home but read a magazine instead. Will get sone chicken tomorrow .
My OH is working away for the next week.... Prime bingeing opportunity but instead I am going to focus on looking noticeably slimmer when he gets home. I'm having hair cut and dyed tomorrow too Which should be a boost.
Thank you again for all the lovely support ladies xxxx

 

[Tano]

Good for u Katie! I've been th same today! Would do anything for even some lettuce hahaha! Keep it up! Headaches have been he'd today

 

[KatieKaye]

Haha! I'm totally with you on the lettuce front. I spent my whole life avoiding it (which let's face it is why I'm here now lol!) and now I'm lustfully eyeing up the little gems every time I'm in the supermarket! Weirdly I haven't craved any unhealthy food really, I just keep fantasising about salads and stir frys. Bit ironic really!

 

[KatieKaye]

Just come on here to distract myself, having a bit of a weak moment after a day on my todd.
I've done well all day , 3 shakes and 2 eggs scrambled with some smoked salmon. I don't think the salmon is allowed really but i fancied it so much and it was going past it's sell by so just had a little bit. Hope it doesn't affect my wi in a week. Shouldn't do surely? Going to have just shakes again tomorrow and try the next three days ss.
I didn't think I would but I really miss exercising. My CDC has said not to but I feel really sluggish without it. Plus where I've lost weight on my tummy and thighs the skin isn't as toned as I'd like it to be... Any thoughts? X

 

[Cee]

Hiya! Well done for sticking to it. You won't regret it. Try measuring yourself too, you might find that you're losing inches anyway.
As for me, I'm not doing CD until I get back from holiday, I'm trying to stick to low carb for this week as we're leaving on Saturday. I intend to get back to it after, I might do 810 though, as I do love nibbling
About the exercise thing, I think you know your body better than anyone else. If you really want to exercise, I'd say go for it, something light might be good. Swimming or some other aerobic activity. I know of people who go running almost everyday while on CD. If I did that I'd pass out. In fact I'd pass out anyway, CD or not! I think keeping up the habit of exercising is definitely a good thing, just be careful and listen to your body. It's not just about weight loss after all, it's about being healthy. Go you!! I'll be looking to you for inspiration when I get back from holiday 10lbs heavier
Oh yeah! The scrambled eggs and salmon...sounds like you're wanting to go up to 810 like has been said before lol! Apparently the weight loss is similar to SS. Good luck with the SS week x

 

[KatieKaye]

Hello cee! Dont be daft, you won't put on 10lbs! How exciting, my hol is ages away. Is it a sunshine and sand holiday? I'm so jealous! I think it's sensible to just stick to low carb before you go, means you won't go mad when you get there and won't dread coming back to 810! I'll be there with you by then so may we can
Buddy up?

I think you may have a point about the exercise.... It seems counter intuitive to not do anything if I feel like I want to. Especially as it releases all those feel good hormones.I'll just have to be careful I don't go mad (although there was never any risk of that before haha!)

I weighed myself this morning an am 10.6 the same as I was on my home scales last week. On my CDC scales I'm 10.10. Think that was a mistake because it's given me another wave of 'oh what's the point'. I admit that even though I think everyone has a point that my body may be holding on to water and I should move in to the 810 I'm scared to. Never in my life have I eaten this few calories and not lost so what if i eat more an put weight on?! My CDC has been determined that I should stick to ss so I'm caught between conflicting advice really. Going to have a really good think about it tonight... I think my cd girls would know best really, it's just facing the fear. On the plus side if I eat more I can definitely definitely exercise, can't wait! Oh and ps my measurements haven't changed either x

Good work on having a planned break cee, I think low carb is the way forward

 

[Cee]

I guess I exaggerated a little with the 10lb lol! 7lbs wouldn't be far off though, I know how bad I can be. It would be good to buddy up but you'd be pretty close to your goal weight by the time I start. The company would be useful for me though. We're going to Cote d'Azur so yeah, sun, sand and sea. Can't wait either, now that I'm over the fear of looking like a whale on the beach. I just don't care anymore, gonna have a good time and work towards a beach body for our next holiday.
Now, you and your weightloss plateau! Have you heard how people say the last few lbs are so tough to get rid of? At a BMI of 25, your body's probably thinking 'I aint letting go of this little bit of fat, might come in useful someday' The exercise might be just what you need to boost your metabolism again. The extra calories would also boost your metabolism. The calories you burn exercising will probably cancel out the extra calories you eat on the 810 so..... if the theory works out you should start losing weight again. So basically, I've just repeated everything you've said haven't I? lol!
You've got enough time to get a great beach body before your holiday in July so don't give up now. Shock your body into losing weight again by doing something different like exercising as much as you feel able to. Maybe do 810 on alternate days (SS the other alternate days) so you can exercise on the 810 days?
One more thing, leave those darn scales alone. They're not helping. I hate my scales! They're evil and inconsiderate and we don't talk anymore!
So, where are you going for your hols then?

 

[KatieKaye]

The south of France. We go every year with a group of friends, just sun, pool and lots of wine (and bread and cheese but let's not think about that!). It so relaxing usually, but last year I was at my heaviest and cried buckets the day before we left because I was so unhappy with my shape and was literally dreading having to wear anything except a floor length sack. I only had myself to blame because I knew it was coming up but hadn't bothered to do anything about it. Hence this year Im making the effort well in advance so I'm excited rather than tearful on the flight out!

I still have a good 20lbs to go before I hit target so I think having a buddy would be great! Go team 810! When are you back? Xx