Random Encounter

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by dietgirl24, 12 July 2011 Social URL.

  1. dietgirl24

    dietgirl24 Full Member

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    I'd like some constructive feedback on this, thanks! :)

    (Word Count:404)

    ***


    Sally strode confidently down the street. She kept telling herself that she was "the ****". She caught sight of a handsome guy out of the corner of her eye. He appeared to be lost. He glanced up at her, checking her out. Sally felt flustered but tried to hide it. The last thing she would want is for her cheeks to start blushing in front of this attractive stranger.

    Meanwhile, the stranger started walking towards her. He looked her up and down and finally said "have you got the time?" Sally resisted the inclination to laugh. She looked down at her bare, slim wrist and looked him squarely in his blue eyes, saying "no sorry, I don't have a watch".

    She continued striding down the street, shopping bag in toe, cornetto in hand; when loe and behind, the man appeared again. He started making chit-chat with her. She wondered whether encounters like this actually happened in real life. Then again, she remembered the old taxi-driver who asked her out at the end of the journey, the old man who walked across the street, picked flowers for her off someone's garden and handed to her at a bus stop... Indeed, Sally noted, life is stranger than fiction.

    Sally smiled to herself, secretly pleased with the attention but not wanting to aquiesce to this young man's wishes. Besides, she thought, there's plenty more with that came from. I don't need to start talking to strangers.

    Sally nodded and smiled, not interested in what the young man was saying. He was nervous. Sally liked that she made him nervous. He rambled on and on..wasn't the weather lovely..wasn't she lucky to have a day off and be able to eat a cornetto..On and on the drivel went.

    Finally, he came to the point. Would Sally like to meet him for a drink. No, she said she was too busy. She again struggled to suppress a laugh. Was she too mean, she wondered, or was she just secretly attracted to alpha males who treated her badly?

    He kept asking, and as he went on, Sally's patience wore thin. She started walking faster down the street, seeing her house nearby. She breathed a sigh of relief and finally ended the conversation by saying "no I'm busy this weekend but have fun yourself".

    He looked rather dejected but that couldn't be helped. It was just one of those things, Sally figured.
     
    Last edited: 12 July 2011
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  3. trimlee

    trimlee Love God; Love People

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    Hi Dietgirl24, thanks for your piece. I'm no specialist in the field but have a few thoughts. I liked the flow but would have used some expressions differently. The word 'acquiesce' seemed out of place, an the term 'young man' didn't sit too comfortably either. I'm reading it from the girl's perspective and don't think she'd be thinking of him as a 'young man' as someone older might. There was also the 'lo and behold' which seemed out of place. The story didn't leave me wondering what would happen next, I'm guessing it is part of a longer plot.

    I hope my comments help. Please remember I'm a lay person in this field. Very good effort though and please keep on. I would love to write but haven't got myself to start. You sound keen, motivated and not shying away from feedback. With this drive you're sure to keep progressing in your writing.
     
  4. dietgirl24

    dietgirl24 Full Member

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    Thanks for your comments, appreciate them :) Yeah I agree with your comments. Some of my vocab is a little clunky so I want to learn more descriptive words. The incident actually happened to me and I thought it'd be interesting if I fictionalised it a bit! I sometimes think I have no inspiration but then I realised that all these random things can just happen on a typical day, you know? :)

    I'd be happy to give you feedback should you ever want any:) I didn't write for ages but then my friends and family kept pestering me to (they're nice like that!)
     
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