Random thoughts and other nonsence - LL style!

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by randomgurl, 4 November 2009 Social URL.

  1. randomgurl

    randomgurl Full Member

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    I've been thinking about creating a little space to write for a while.... but I think minerva put it best when she said in her space she felt too insignificant (not that she is... just thats how it feels). I was thinking though, being a fat person you feel that insignificance, or at least I do.... I remember as far back as being ten or eleven and being in agony at school but thinking I couldn't go to the nurses thingy because that was for the 'real people'.. and I was too big, too fat and too ugly to belong. Thinking about that makes my heart break.... almost depersonalizing the child-me and wanting to scoop her up and tell her shes plenty good enough. But I decided im not going to be that insignificant person hiding in corners anymore.... and while claiming a little thread on the web might not be a huge step it all adds up.

    Plus, people don't need to actually -read- this or respond.... and it saves the poor octoberites from having to listen to it. :d

    Lighterlife itself is very easy for me. I dont think about food, I have no real desire to eat food... plus I cant cook and was one of there wierd people who could go days forgetting to eat anything if it wasnt placed in front of me. The binging is another matter.... I've been a secret-binger since I was about eight. Its sickening really.... I was 'fat', food was 'bad' so when I was left looking after my little sister after school I consumed everything I could. Even before I started my weight loss journey I dont think I could have ate that much in one go.... not on a daily basis anyway. :rolleyes:
    Though... occassionally I'll have (or had) a good go at it :p

    Its the emotions it brings up which are hard, realizing that a lot of my eating issues stem from that time and not wanting to face the whys. Every lb I lose seems to take me further and further back and I realize the fat wasn't what was making me unhappy.... it was a shield to keep people away, a protection from being hurt.... and as well something to blame, so I didnt have to see the truth. Last night coming out of the meeting should have been happy.... 6lbs off, 59 in total.... almost a stone lower than when I started weighing myself as a 13 year old. I wanted to cry though and felt sick to the pit of my stomach.... I guess a realization hit hard that im doing it.... I can do it... but at the same time a little voice is yelling 'stop! this is new and scary, lets go back to being the fat-foodie, its comfy, its safe and I dont want to go there (into the deeper parts of the mind that is)'.

    Guess the good thing is, whilst my brain was yelling all of that it didnt think about food sabataging in particular.... and didnt feel a need to binge.... so maybe I am learning after all... :)
     
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  3. LaydeeBug

    LaydeeBug Full Member

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    What a very thoughtful post.
    You are doing so very well, and you don't have to be that "comfy" fat person.

    You are bound to feel a lot of emotions as you have been feeling "insignificant" for too long ~ it's time to shine. xx :)
     
  4. AG1981

    AG1981 Gold Member

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    Little space/thread well and truly claimed.
    Well done.

    And if you ask me never has a truer word been spoken. That is exactly how I feel. If I'm this big then I can blame that for why i'm unhappy. If I lose weight i'll have to start looking at the real reasons and that's far to scary.

    Well done for coming this far hun and may you well and truly conquer your demons.

    XXXXXXXX
     
  5. daisydoll

    daisydoll Gold Member

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    you have done really well - and writing it down does help
    well done for posting it
    daisy x
     
  6. melarnz

    melarnz Silver Member

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    Hi Random - I felt that I wanted to start writing my thoughts down everyday too. So I started a blog on here. I dont care if anyone reads it, it just makes me feel better about putting things into words.

    It sounds like you have a bag of mixed feelings about losing weight. However, once you get to target, it will be one less thing to worry about. You can then take it one step at a time!!

    I think you have taken the 1st steps already. 1 joining LL and 2 putting how you feel into words, its incredibly theraputic.

    Well done on your successes so far (and you can still be a foodie when you are at target, but a healthy one x)

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  7. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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    Hi Random

    Well done, as the others have said. You have made real progress already.
    LL is hard work. To make it work for you you need to go back and address all those issues that the fat has been hiding over the years.
    It is scary and challenging - but so rewarding when you start to work on it.
    I hope you have a good LLC. For me that has been crucial.
    She, my group and the support on here have all been really significant factors in my success so far.
    Good luck on your journey.
     
  8. dropsofjupiter

    dropsofjupiter Lurks a lot

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    Hi Random,

    Just had to add to this thread. I am nowhere near as far into my LL journey as you, and I have great respect for you that you have the determination to lose a lot of weight and address the issues that were hidden under the weight and the eating. Other posters have said how scary it is realising that the fat wasnt to blame for problems/issues in life that they now need to face up to.

    If you can do LL, you can do anything - just give yourself (and your head) time to adjust.

    Thanks so much for your support on the octoberites thread, your post made me actively decide that yes, I can do this, and a little blip will not stop me losing my weight with LL. I have just had a pit-stop on my journey, and in all reality, have delayed my goal by a week at worst. I just need to get back to it and made a dent in this excess flab.

    Keep posting - it helps us lurkers as well as helping you get your thoughts striaght!

    Take care
     
  9. Morticia

    Morticia Happy in my own skin

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    What a lovely open, honest and insightful post. I feel with so much self awareness you will succeed and get to the place you want to be. Sometimes we don't have to make right the things that troubled us, we just need to recognise them. Good luck.
     
  10. Jezebella

    Jezebella Playing the Angel

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    Well done on being so brave to post your personal feelings. It is insightful for all of us as we all have demons that crop up while on this journey. Your progress so far is amazing, keep it up, and keep facing the hard stuff, it does make it easier in the end. Head into your new lighter life with all guns blazing and with your demons firmly faced.

    Jez
    xx
     
  11. AG1981

    AG1981 Gold Member

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    How you getting on hun?
    X
     
  12. randomgurl

    randomgurl Full Member

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    Hi all....
    I wanted to say thankyou for all your kind words... y'all made me blushy and it means a lot that people who I find inspirational come poke their noses in. So thanks. :)

    I've been having a hidey week. Lots of up and down emotions... earlier in the year I miscarried and over the past few weeks I think I've been mentally winding myself up as what should have been the due-date approached. Probably not helped it was also the same day as my little boy I m/c'd a few years back duedate. Or that my bosses daughter was due around the same time so there were constant updates on that. I dunno, partly my mind was going mental about how cruddy and unfair life can be. And partly it was telling me to get a grip and stop being so pathetic. On the day I had a nice long cry and that was that.... sometimes things aren't meant to be, but the day itself was better than I expected. I expected to totally fall apart.... but I didn't... and as far as the diet went, I didnt need food or alcohol as a support. yay me. :)

    So life goes on.

    I guess my main issue this week is work things. I'm generally a nice girl.... yeah, I can be b*tchy at times, but mostly I annoy the heck out of my friends by my wanting to see the good in just about everyone. I also have very low confidence. I know work-b*tching is just one of those things, but as the new girl its getting to me! The other night I was told one of the girls is two-faced, and not to trust her as she'll be nice to my face but has already been slagging me off to people behind my back. Which is... well, my attitude is generally 'whatever' - buuut, this girls also in my LL group. And while generally I would stay out of things and not listen to all the he-said, she-said stuff its making me nervous.

    The thing is... as im losing weight a lot of emotions are coming up, and a lot of past issues which I want to feel confident in sharing with the group to help overcome them and grow.... but now in the back of my head im wondering if anything I say will then become staffroom gossip. :(
    I dont *want* to think this of this lady.... but in reality I've known her for six-weeks, in reality I don't know.... and I guess instead of looking forward to group instead im feeling vunerable and self-concious... and not sure what to do about it. :/

    So theres my weekly moan... :/
    Other than that things are going okay... fighting the head/body battle and not sure which is winning, but getting there.

    Hope anyone readings having a good week. :)
     
  13. Tange

    Tange Silver Member

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    Hi Random,
    WOW! You have so described exactly the feelings I went through. I am not on here often but keep lurking and reading and your posts are so open and honest.

    I am not great at advice but I think you are doing brilliantly and as you said you are plenty good enough. Who are you not to be great and happy and successful. Loads of us on here carried guilt in the form of weight, its important you let that go.

    If its being said someone is talking behind your back maybe approach said person and tell her you have been told such and such and is it true. If you are anything like me you will not want to confront anyone but maybe you should. It is your right to feel safe and secure in your group. If all else fails see if it is at all possible to move groups.

    Good luck to you, I think you have done wonderful things for yourself. and you deserve them.
     
  14. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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    Hi Random

    Yes, that's the difference between LL and just doing any old diet. We have to confront our own emotions to succeed.
    All those sadnesses and hard situations we have tried to bury under food/drink.
    It's hard, but maybe you knew subconsciously that tough date was coming up for you and you were preparing to cope with it - and you did -
    better than you expected.
    Don't bury your emotion random. It is appropriate and right that you grieve for the baby you miscarried. If you deny that emotion now you'll need to deal with it later.
    Thank you for trusting us enough to share your story.
    As for the work woman - why don't you discuss it with your LLC?
    At the moment it will be stopping you from getting the most out of your classes.
    If the woman is talking about you at work she'll soon move on to someone else.
     
  15. Looby Lew

    Looby Lew Full Member

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    Hi Random
    just wanted to say a huge WELL DONE for dealing with your very emotional time without resorting to your previous comforts. It's something I would have done before too and I can only hope that I too would be strong enough to resist if/when I'm faced with a tough time .
    Good luck with the rest of your journey
     
  16. AG1981

    AG1981 Gold Member

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    I know it's hard hun but try not to worry about the he said she said stuff and the things that go on behind your back.
    Next time someone starts to tell you something just say to be honest I don't want to get involved.
    Ignore it and concentrate on you and getting things sorted in your own head.
    If they want to say things let them. At the end of the day it'll be you who's lost weight, faced her demons and who comes out happy at the other end.

    All they'll be left with is their bitter twistedness and jealousy of your new found confidence.

    Their loss, your gain!

    This journey is all about you hun.

    XXXXXXXXXX
     
  17. randomgurl

    randomgurl Full Member

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    Thanks :)

    As for the lady in my group... well, after driving an hour out of my way to pick her up yesterday and her not even being there lets just say im not overly impressed right now! Probably a genuine mistake though, just annoying!

    SB... I did consider talking to LLC... but then on the other hand I don't want to add to any situation.... you know? It wouldnt be fair on her, or my group, or anything like that. Tange, I thought about what you said too... and while I don't want to directly confront and make things uncomfortable unless I think its absolutely nessisary.... next time I see her a subtle, non-accusery 'I guess it must be a worry for you now im working here and in your group, but I just wanted you to know I respect the confidentiality there, and wouldnt sink as low as making it staffroom gossip'.

    I guess after the initial omg, I've decided I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It just feels a bit squicky.

    I noticed at group last night, even without this lady present, I was quiet. I'm not sure if that was because of that, or just what was going around my head. Sometimes, honestly, I feel like the token young-one... who at the grand age of 23 is expected to have this great carefree life.... and for real, I put on that act. Smiley, quiet, polite but positive and encouraging... and a little scruffy. ;)

    But I do feel like an outcast. Probably mostly head games.... but things everyone else talks about, like the stresses of kids and partners... thats not part of my world yet.

    And... I dont know how to share *me*... because the real-me is has already been too broken. Right now I have a bazillion feelings running through my head... I'm now officially lighter 1lb lighter than I have been anytime in the last 10 years. Rather than being pleased it scares the crud out of me. Last time I weighed this was 5 years ago after losing 60lbs... I felt incrediable, confident, even sexy.... like I could take on the world. It took one night for someone to change that, show me I meant nothing but an object to be used.

    As a child I was taught I was worthless, by my parents, school, paedophilic neighbour, peers... and I believed them. I harmed my body, I let anyone else harm my body.... because it was easier to just accept thats how life went. When I was eighteen losing the weight signified I was ready to show the world I was a real person who was worth something. And to start believing that, then having it snatched away broke me in so many ways. It might sound stupid... It is stupid... but .... I don't even know. I can do the fat-mask... convincing yourself you dont care about yourself means you can convince yourself it doesnt hurt.

    Thats probably enough blabbering on for today, and quite possibly the rest of the year.

    Thanks Tange, SB, AG and Looby for your words. As far as my angels go... I learnt the hard way when it happened that shutting it off doesnt mean it suddenly goes away. I mourned what could have been, but the world doesnt stop and life goes on.

    Eugh... still blabbering away :p

    Have a good day everyone!
     
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  19. AG1981

    AG1981 Gold Member

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    ***Hugs!
    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
     
  20. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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    Hi Random
    Sounds like you are realising that youare worth more than you believed before you decided to do LL.
    You have achieved so much already, being lighter than in the past 10 years.
    CONGRATULATIONS.
    I'm sure you will continue to regain your self respect and embrace life.
    You have already learnt that you buried your troubles under the food. It took me donkeys years to admit that.
    Look forward to enjoying your new life.
    Hugs to youxx
     
  21. scottishlass

    scottishlass Full Member

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    RG - just caught up on this thread - you are doing amazing and I really admire your courage to be so open and honest in this thread.

    Your head will catch up with your body on the fact that you are now lighter than you have been in the past 10 years - but from me a huge congratulations and hugs:hug99::hug99:

    You are obviously benefitting from the counselling side of LL and its helping you with major realisations about yourself and your past. You certainly have been through the mill - have you thought about one to one counselling once either now or after LL?

    We are all here for you hunny xxxx
     
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