randomgurl
Full Member
I've been thinking about creating a little space to write for a while.... but I think minerva put it best when she said in her space she felt too insignificant (not that she is... just thats how it feels). I was thinking though, being a fat person you feel that insignificance, or at least I do.... I remember as far back as being ten or eleven and being in agony at school but thinking I couldn't go to the nurses thingy because that was for the 'real people'.. and I was too big, too fat and too ugly to belong. Thinking about that makes my heart break.... almost depersonalizing the child-me and wanting to scoop her up and tell her shes plenty good enough. But I decided im not going to be that insignificant person hiding in corners anymore.... and while claiming a little thread on the web might not be a huge step it all adds up.
Plus, people don't need to actually -read- this or respond.... and it saves the poor octoberites from having to listen to it. :d
Lighterlife itself is very easy for me. I dont think about food, I have no real desire to eat food... plus I cant cook and was one of there wierd people who could go days forgetting to eat anything if it wasnt placed in front of me. The binging is another matter.... I've been a secret-binger since I was about eight. Its sickening really.... I was 'fat', food was 'bad' so when I was left looking after my little sister after school I consumed everything I could. Even before I started my weight loss journey I dont think I could have ate that much in one go.... not on a daily basis anyway.
Though... occassionally I'll have (or had) a good go at it
Its the emotions it brings up which are hard, realizing that a lot of my eating issues stem from that time and not wanting to face the whys. Every lb I lose seems to take me further and further back and I realize the fat wasn't what was making me unhappy.... it was a shield to keep people away, a protection from being hurt.... and as well something to blame, so I didnt have to see the truth. Last night coming out of the meeting should have been happy.... 6lbs off, 59 in total.... almost a stone lower than when I started weighing myself as a 13 year old. I wanted to cry though and felt sick to the pit of my stomach.... I guess a realization hit hard that im doing it.... I can do it... but at the same time a little voice is yelling 'stop! this is new and scary, lets go back to being the fat-foodie, its comfy, its safe and I dont want to go there (into the deeper parts of the mind that is)'.
Guess the good thing is, whilst my brain was yelling all of that it didnt think about food sabataging in particular.... and didnt feel a need to binge.... so maybe I am learning after all...
Plus, people don't need to actually -read- this or respond.... and it saves the poor octoberites from having to listen to it. :d
Lighterlife itself is very easy for me. I dont think about food, I have no real desire to eat food... plus I cant cook and was one of there wierd people who could go days forgetting to eat anything if it wasnt placed in front of me. The binging is another matter.... I've been a secret-binger since I was about eight. Its sickening really.... I was 'fat', food was 'bad' so when I was left looking after my little sister after school I consumed everything I could. Even before I started my weight loss journey I dont think I could have ate that much in one go.... not on a daily basis anyway.
Though... occassionally I'll have (or had) a good go at it
Its the emotions it brings up which are hard, realizing that a lot of my eating issues stem from that time and not wanting to face the whys. Every lb I lose seems to take me further and further back and I realize the fat wasn't what was making me unhappy.... it was a shield to keep people away, a protection from being hurt.... and as well something to blame, so I didnt have to see the truth. Last night coming out of the meeting should have been happy.... 6lbs off, 59 in total.... almost a stone lower than when I started weighing myself as a 13 year old. I wanted to cry though and felt sick to the pit of my stomach.... I guess a realization hit hard that im doing it.... I can do it... but at the same time a little voice is yelling 'stop! this is new and scary, lets go back to being the fat-foodie, its comfy, its safe and I dont want to go there (into the deeper parts of the mind that is)'.
Guess the good thing is, whilst my brain was yelling all of that it didnt think about food sabataging in particular.... and didnt feel a need to binge.... so maybe I am learning after all...