Relationship Break-up

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by JemmaBe, 13 November 2010 Social URL.

  1. JemmaBe

    JemmaBe Silver Member

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    I never thought I would need to post a thread like this, but I am struggling so much I need to talk to someone.

    On Tuesday, my boyfriend of several years left me. He said that he wasn't treating me properly and that he doesn't want the responsibility of his actions affecting someone else anymore.

    Things had been a little shaky for a month or so, but I really thought we would get through it, because I was always willing to go the extra mile and put in effort, it just turns out he wasn't.

    I can't just turn my feelings off like he has. I've sobbed and sobbed for days. I went to SW group, and I gained 2lbs and sobbed there as well. I said that even whilst I was upset about gaining those 2lbs, I can't honestly see myself getting back on plan right now. We decided that for now I would aim for my body magic awards (which I do feel like are within my power to achieve) and think about losing weight a little bit less.

    It's so upsetting, I had built my life around him for years and now that has been taken away over night. I know people say you should never make someone your everything, because when they are gone you have nothing, but I didn't listen.

    I really have no desire to do anything right now. I've considered my options. I don't particularly want to die, because there are a few people who would be broken like I am now if I did, but equally, I really can't imagine the rest of my life being like this.

    To make it worse, 2 of my housemates have started sleeping with each other and so I've got to deal with that as well which is making me feel even more rubbish.

    Any advice or something would be nice. Thanks for reading, I know it was long.
     
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  3. Littleslimmingbee

    Littleslimmingbee Gold Member

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    Oh honey. I am So sorry. How awful. Your quiet right, you should always be careful with love, but after several years- who doesntbecome complacent! .. If my OH left me now, id be exactly the same. Even the thought makes me feel sick.

    You quite right, you cant have enough head room at the minute to really start takeling your weight aswell as dealing with all this. I think you ought to find yourself somewhere new to live. because you cant stop those housemates sleeping together, but you dont need to be around that right now.. and a fresh start is what you need. i know it hurts soo bad right now, that it physically hurts and you cant possibly see how anyone else can understand, at all. How could they, they arnt you, they dont feel what you feel right now. Everyones love and hurt is different. . eventually, very slowly. it will get better, but its going to take time. You have to want to feel better though. You have to want to move on. Right now its all very raw. So you cry it out untill you cant cry anymore. . and then you decide its time to work on feeling better and getting over it.


    All my love to you.

    xxxx
     
  4. brideweightwar

    brideweightwar Full Member

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    Aww so sorry to here about ur break up huni!! I didnt want to just read and run!! Just try and keep your chin up!! Focus on yourself and trying to get your own head sorted outed out 1st. Dont see this as an end but a new chapter in your life, i am sure there is something better out there for you. We may not see it at the time but mostly these things are for the best. xxx
     
  5. lindseydodd408

    lindseydodd408 Gold Member

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    I'm so sorry to read this, I'm sending lots of hugs and good thoughts!

    If you don't mind me being nosey, what did he mean by this? Do you think he wasn't treating you properly?

    Can you get away for a few days, maybe a few trusty friends or family you can visit who will make you lots of cups of tea?

    Focus on breathing in and out, that is all anyone expects of you. If you do get lower and consider harming yourself please promise me that you will talk to someone first. It is very easy to get lost in our own darkness and the shining light of another can guide us through to the otherside. xxx
     
  6. *EB*

    *EB* Gold Member

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    make sure you surround yourself with friends and family so you are not alone upset. when i broke up with my ex (although it was my choice) i did this and it makes you realise there is life after the event, and you are a wonderful person.

    Mr Right - he wasnt, but the real one is out there somewhere xxx
     
  7. ronniejacobs

    ronniejacobs Gold Member

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    hi hon am sending you lots of hugs honey is there any family nearby that you could go and stay with for a while. I am so sorry that things are really bad for you at the moment, focus on making yourself happy then focus agian on your weight
     
  8. Inge Jones

    Inge Jones Full Member

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    Well, I'd want to find out what happened a month ago to alter his behaviour. It could be anything from finding himself unexpectedly attracted to someone else, thru some form of stress-related nervous breakdown coming on.

    After being together a number of years where the relationship was working well, to just suddenly deteriorate and break up within one month seems like something other than just a relationship that has run its course.

    I'd be inclined to sit tight for a while, try to carry on as normal, and see what happens next. He may be back in touch. Don't go to a huge hassle and upheaval yet.
     
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  9. bunny_lover

    bunny_lover Full Member

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    So sorry to read this :(

    You are so right when you say you can't turn off your feelings, sadly women and men handle things so differently, I would suggest writing down how you feel - almost like a letter to him - but don't mail it. You obviously pictured you life with him so it does come as such a shock when this happens..

    Comfort eating is always how I coped with heartache so I know that must be a nightmare attending class right now... Do you want to be with him or has he made the decision he knew you couldn't? Do you think he is suffering with other worries? job money etc etc?

    I think letting the dust settle is important, just try hard to spend time around people who make you feel better, you need lots of love and time right now x Take each day as it comes, I know it doesn't help when people say I know how you feel but I have been here and I just wish you come through this as soon as you can with the outcome you want x x
     
  10. JemmaBe

    JemmaBe Silver Member

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    Thanks everyone for your responses, I have come home for the weekend but have to go back tomorrow because I have work on Monday. It's been so heartening though to realise just how many people care though! I've had lots of people go out of their way to make sure I'm ok, cooking me meals and stuff.

    It wasn't anything serious not treating me properly, he just likes playing computer games and was spending more time computer gaming then me. And then he started decided he didn't want to see me much, and then he wasn't missing me during the week, and then he didn't want to text me. That's all he meant by not treating me right.

    A month ago he left uni, got a job, decided he didn't like his job, and promptly left. Although that was a symptom of the quarter life crisis rather than the cause I believe. Another (online) girl also came onto the scene but I've been assured that was blown out of proportion by me and him and that nothing actually happened. That was either the cause or another symptom.

    He as already spoken to me, saying he misses me but he couldn't treat me the way he was. So rather than treat me better....he broke it off instead.

    With regards to my house I am going to try and find somewhere else to live, in the beginning it was me and the landlord and it was good, and then he brought in an actual tramp to live in the house who stinks, and then he brought in this girl so I'm third wheeling in my own home.

    I am feeling a little better today for being able to spill all this though!!
     
  11. Leeanne910

    Leeanne910 Gold Member

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    Hi hunny just read ur thread and I saw myself last year! I was with my partner for only 4 years, we met young and had a baby early on, he lived in Essex and I lived Birmingham and when our son was 6 months we split as he cheated, then I let him back an when Jacob was 1 I moved to Essex to live with him. Left my job family and friends. I tried hard... Really hard even when he was diagnosed with depression I went out my way to not cause arguements etc and worked full time in childrens services seein a lot of child protection cases and I was hurt a lot n just asked for a hug and he said no all the time n never said he loved me and it broke my heart. He left last august, but kept sleepin with me so I thought we wud get back together. I moved into a new flat an he said oh i'm thinkin of comin bk, I said no we can
    Work on us first our relationship. He had a go at me and that was that. When he left me an my son it was painful I wanted to die an had panic attacks with violent nose bleeds. I hated myself, I gained and gained. Then I got back in touch with an old mate who went through the same but his son was 6 months. He visited me in Essex and we ended up together. Since september I moved back to Birmingham and live with my new partner and with both our sons. And I could no be happier! I adore him but he adores me back. I thought I loved my ex but I didn't I don't think it died I think it ended up being security and comfort not love.

    But my point is yes right now your world
    Has crashed, everything you knew or know has or is changing and different. Yes the pain is unbearable and that tender stinging but hollow feeling in your chest right now and the screams you want to let out right now u can't contain or repair... But time is a healer, hard to beleivr but it's true. You will have your tears now, then you will wake one day and think "now it's about me not him"!!! Go do something you enjoy!! Get back your independance! And go treat urself toget ya hair done or
    Nails or sumert, some nice clothes.... Don't let him win! Your better than this!!! Cuz when you get ur independance and look so hot and confident and realise hey I need no one I have myself!! Men come
    Flocking! And ur ex will be shocked!!


    Everything happens for a reason and when a door closes an even better one opens!!!

    Had that twice myself now :) and only now I kno this is it!!

    You can do it lady!!!!

    Focus on you!!!! Xxxx
     
  12. valerie11

    valerie11 Gold Member

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    hi sending u big hugs at this horrible time :grouphugg:xx
     
  13. Leeanne910

    Leeanne910 Gold Member

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    Also he used to play online games n never talk to me or our son and he has cheated 3 times with a girl online... When I was preg... When I knew bout it when Jacob was 6 months and just before he left... Only know this since we broke up cuz a mate told me...

    Th pain gets easier! And I know i'm only 24 but I have been through a lot lol xxx love with ya! X
     
  14. Inge Jones

    Inge Jones Full Member

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    JemmaBe, from reading the extra background you have just added, I am getting the impression of a personal crisis. Even the sudden infatuation with another "love interest" I have seen as a symptom of depression. My friend had that, and after she was successfully treated she was aghast at even having considered straying from her husband. Obviously it's not my place to interfere, but my strong hunch here is that this is a blip, caused by your boyfriend having a personal problem, rather than the end.
     
  15. JemmaBe

    JemmaBe Silver Member

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    An interesting perspective Inge Jones. I have to say I have considered it, but thinking they will take you back in classic denial stage apparently.

    Nothing I can do to rock the boat right now really, as with everything in life, you just have to wait and see :wave_cry:
     
  16. Tiphareth

    Tiphareth Silver Member

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    Sending you lots of hugs. I can only repeat what others say, you may feel like your world has ended, but stay strong and bit by bit you'll build your life back up again.

    At the moment surround yourself with friends and family who love you unconditionally and will want to help you through the pain.
     
  17. judimac

    judimac Mad old Bat with Attitude

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    :gen126::gen126::gen126: I know that nothing we can say will make you feel better at the moment, but I reckon that this will be a catalyst that results in you changing your life, and ultimately you will end up happier, with the man that's right for you, and you will look back and thank your lucky stars you didn't end up with "him." BUT it will take time. Alot of us have been there and it's a bummer, but I'm a big believer in fate, and as you aren't happy in your house, this is the perfect time to change your life. Good luck Hun, and I will ask my Angels to help you xxx
     
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  19. fillymum

    fillymum synful soul

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    I was quite shocked to read your reference to death. No relationship break up is worth considering death.

    As someone who has a terminal illness I can not imagine anyone taking there own life for something which at the end of the day is not worth it.

    It sounds to me like you have had a lucky escape.

    When I was divorced from my ex husband I thought my world had come crashing down around me and that the future was bleak, but years down the line and celebrating our silver wedding on Monday with my 2nd husband, I now know that my ex. did me the greatest favour he could have done for me.

    You might not see it now but there will be someone else for you, someone better who will appreciate everything about you and love and cherish you.

    It is so hard right now to see beyond your grief but I promise you you will get through it. It sounds as if you are already on your way to helping yourself.

    hugs to you xxxxxx
     
  20. Tinytootz

    Tinytootz Mini crazy cat lady

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    :( My thoughts are with you. I went through the exact same 3 short months ago. We were together for 7+ years, and then one day, it was no more. At the time, I wanted to curl up in a ball till it went away. But as others have said, try and surround you with people who love you deeply, and care for you. Many friends come into their own in situations like this.

    It takes time for your brain to adjust, but in time, the mists will clear, and you will be able to look back :)

    Is there a new thing you could focus on? Such as a hobby, or class? That helped me out too.

    As Sarah Millican says...

    "don't look for the light at the end of the tunnel, stomp towards it and turn the f****r on yourself."

    Stay strong xxx
     
  21. becks201003

    becks201003 I will achieve 10 stone!!

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    Keep your head held high and a smile on your face! Treat yourself and show him what he is missing. Remember when one door closes another one opens. You just got to be brave enough to walk towards and then through it! xx
     
  22. Leapfrog

    Leapfrog Champion actifryer

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    Hear hear Fillymum!

    JemmaBe - try to see this as a positive opportunity rather than a negative experience. As others have said, pamper yourself - find time for yourself and the things you like to do. It's hard to see through the fog right now but things will get better. I promise.

    I speak from experience - you can read my story here: http://www.minimins.com/slimming-world/109208-story-inspire-you.html

    Hugs xx
     
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