Sarah's Management Thread (August 12th - November 5th 2007)
- Thread starter Cerulean
- Start date
Cerulean
Silver Member
Mini breakthrough...
I am still bingeing - it's still contained in a work context - I even went out to buy treats today and ended up coming back with week 5-6 type foods and no 'goodies' instead (all the permitted food just looked so tasty!) - it just seemed to be part of the habit. I think the thing is despite all of the sugar binges, underneath I am laying the foundations of normal healthy eating and habits. I'm eating meat/fish 4 times a week maximum and no red meat at all - I am regularly getting my 9 a day (yes 9 - apparently this is the case) I have got to the bottom af the great apple mystery - yes - apples are my trigger food and potentially vanilla yoghurt.
I also noticed that after eating a huge healthy lunch and 'filling' myself I was fine - when I sit on the 5-6 level of the hunger scale, I panic. My body has a sort of all or nothing attitude - it doesn't mind being empty, it doesn't mind being full, but halfway there and I want to gorge myself.
So - what I have learnt this week is the following
I need to be more organised - however, shopping to make sure I am stocked at this level requires a trip almost every other day - my local shops ae unreliable - my nearest Morrisons on Holloway Road often has queues of over 30 people long on week nights - seriously - Mr. Morrison may have 'very tasty fish' (although it always looks like it's been 2 weeks since it saw a trawler when I look at it) and 'fresh cut sandwiches' and the money to spend on celebrity endorsements but he only seems to be able to have 5 people on the checkouts of his central London shops and staff that ignore you at the service counters.
Keeping fresh fruit and veg for one person so that you get a variety of tastes and flavours that stop you from getting bored is really difficult when you work a 12 hour day.
Building exercise into your day is vital - it shouldn't be something you have to bolt on and it doesn't have to be formal - it needs to be something that just has to happen whether it's a commitment like a dance class or how you get somewhere that you have to go - I'm going to see how long I can get through October without using my travel card!
I ate noodles last night - about a week ahead of schedule, but for some reason I didn't feel hungry today after doing so. They actually filled me up. It was the first time I have felt sated after a meal since I started eating.
So today I shall go out for a walk. The great thing is that I haven't purged for a while now and I've had a couple of good days this week.
I am beginning more and more to understand how to change my ways, but it will take time to build the habits and routines to replace my old ones.
I do wonder if the sugar binges and the constant hunger are due to the lack of refined carbs in my basic diet. It is really rather alarming quite how many calories I can put away without stopping...more than ever before when I was overeating as a fat person.
I am still bingeing - it's still contained in a work context - I even went out to buy treats today and ended up coming back with week 5-6 type foods and no 'goodies' instead (all the permitted food just looked so tasty!) - it just seemed to be part of the habit. I think the thing is despite all of the sugar binges, underneath I am laying the foundations of normal healthy eating and habits. I'm eating meat/fish 4 times a week maximum and no red meat at all - I am regularly getting my 9 a day (yes 9 - apparently this is the case) I have got to the bottom af the great apple mystery - yes - apples are my trigger food and potentially vanilla yoghurt.
I also noticed that after eating a huge healthy lunch and 'filling' myself I was fine - when I sit on the 5-6 level of the hunger scale, I panic. My body has a sort of all or nothing attitude - it doesn't mind being empty, it doesn't mind being full, but halfway there and I want to gorge myself.
So - what I have learnt this week is the following
I need to be more organised - however, shopping to make sure I am stocked at this level requires a trip almost every other day - my local shops ae unreliable - my nearest Morrisons on Holloway Road often has queues of over 30 people long on week nights - seriously - Mr. Morrison may have 'very tasty fish' (although it always looks like it's been 2 weeks since it saw a trawler when I look at it) and 'fresh cut sandwiches' and the money to spend on celebrity endorsements but he only seems to be able to have 5 people on the checkouts of his central London shops and staff that ignore you at the service counters.
Keeping fresh fruit and veg for one person so that you get a variety of tastes and flavours that stop you from getting bored is really difficult when you work a 12 hour day.
Building exercise into your day is vital - it shouldn't be something you have to bolt on and it doesn't have to be formal - it needs to be something that just has to happen whether it's a commitment like a dance class or how you get somewhere that you have to go - I'm going to see how long I can get through October without using my travel card!
I ate noodles last night - about a week ahead of schedule, but for some reason I didn't feel hungry today after doing so. They actually filled me up. It was the first time I have felt sated after a meal since I started eating.
So today I shall go out for a walk. The great thing is that I haven't purged for a while now and I've had a couple of good days this week.
I am beginning more and more to understand how to change my ways, but it will take time to build the habits and routines to replace my old ones.
I do wonder if the sugar binges and the constant hunger are due to the lack of refined carbs in my basic diet. It is really rather alarming quite how many calories I can put away without stopping...more than ever before when I was overeating as a fat person.
Sez
has started again!!
It is really rather alarming quite how many calories I can put away without stopping...more than ever before when I was overeating as a fat person.
Sarah, thats me now. Except I am nowhere near management. I can literally eat and eat, all types of total cr*p. Recently, it was ham, cheese, packets of biscuits and even half a full size treacle tart. I dont even like treacle flippin tart.
I am trying so hard to understand where my head is at, but boy is it tough. Your posts help. Thanks for this.
xx
Sarah, thats me now. Except I am nowhere near management. I can literally eat and eat, all types of total cr*p. Recently, it was ham, cheese, packets of biscuits and even half a full size treacle tart. I dont even like treacle flippin tart.
I am trying so hard to understand where my head is at, but boy is it tough. Your posts help. Thanks for this.
xx
Cerulean
Silver Member
Things I am learning - this second
I need to grow up. I need to take responsibility for my actions. I still think that this is dull, my child runs the show. My child never stopped running the show. My relationships are all about being a child. I resent being an adult.
I find it as easy to break food patterns as I do introducing them.
I can control myself like never before around bread, cheese, crisps, pies - I can eat them in moderate levels and leave them until tomorrow. I cannot control myself around apples and chocolate. Pulses and pasta balance this out - as do nuts. I have been reading about magnesium and calcium. It's very interesting but I'm not sure about the science yet - but it is very interesting and explains a lot about why weeks 3-6 have been so difficult for me to stick to if it's true. I can't wait to add grains - I really think it's all about the slow releasing high fibre carbs for me - I need to get my sugar slowly - fruit sends me crazy!
I feel fat again - but the size 8-10 clothes still fit. My under body feels harder - I assume that I am putting on muscle weight from the hour of hard cycling I am doing as a minimum each day.
I have given up my gym membership. I have other ways of keeping fit and I want to use the 70 quid a month this will save me to do things like riding, dancing and fencing - my exercise choices will be fun and practical, not exercise for exercise's sake.
I have billions of thoughts - but alas they are all passing too quickly. Must slow down - but I'm trying not to think so much - life goes from teh sulime to the insufferable so quickly these days.
Still so very lonely. Funny how people think the answer to others' loneliness is company. That's so very often not the case.
I need to grow up. I need to take responsibility for my actions. I still think that this is dull, my child runs the show. My child never stopped running the show. My relationships are all about being a child. I resent being an adult.
I find it as easy to break food patterns as I do introducing them.
I can control myself like never before around bread, cheese, crisps, pies - I can eat them in moderate levels and leave them until tomorrow. I cannot control myself around apples and chocolate. Pulses and pasta balance this out - as do nuts. I have been reading about magnesium and calcium. It's very interesting but I'm not sure about the science yet - but it is very interesting and explains a lot about why weeks 3-6 have been so difficult for me to stick to if it's true. I can't wait to add grains - I really think it's all about the slow releasing high fibre carbs for me - I need to get my sugar slowly - fruit sends me crazy!
I feel fat again - but the size 8-10 clothes still fit. My under body feels harder - I assume that I am putting on muscle weight from the hour of hard cycling I am doing as a minimum each day.
I have given up my gym membership. I have other ways of keeping fit and I want to use the 70 quid a month this will save me to do things like riding, dancing and fencing - my exercise choices will be fun and practical, not exercise for exercise's sake.
I have billions of thoughts - but alas they are all passing too quickly. Must slow down - but I'm trying not to think so much - life goes from teh sulime to the insufferable so quickly these days.
Still so very lonely. Funny how people think the answer to others' loneliness is company. That's so very often not the case.
Hi Cerulean
So glad to see you back. I'm pleased for you that those issues in your private life that were giving you such a hard time are less problematic - or even gone (hopefully)!
You still sound like you're doing so well in the food management and self-analysis and all round life improvement. I aspire to be as disciplined and thoughtful as you.
So glad to see you back. I'm pleased for you that those issues in your private life that were giving you such a hard time are less problematic - or even gone (hopefully)!
You still sound like you're doing so well in the food management and self-analysis and all round life improvement. I aspire to be as disciplined and thoughtful as you.
SandraEG
Full Member
Well I'm not sure the answer to loneliness is company - as company makes it sound very functional. But surely the key to combating loneliness is connection. The people we connect with are usually those that know us well.
I have in the past been someone who felt lonely in a crowd - and more recently I felt lonely at work despite being surrounded by people. The thing is they had no real connection to me. I never feel lonely when my partner is around. I do sometimes experience moments of loneliness with friends - when I feel misunderstood or ignored or passed over. But that's momentary.
No-one here can possibly suggest how to combat your loneliness as only you know what's at the heart of it - or maybe you don't but you will be closer to it than any of us.
All I can say is that I genuinely hope you find a way to deal with that because I think, based on my own past experiences, that this could be linked to your consumption issues. LL is supposed to be dealing with the underlying causes but I wonder if many of us have barely scratched the surface in the group counselling?
Anyway - positive vibes....:flowers:but I can't find that smiley.
I have in the past been someone who felt lonely in a crowd - and more recently I felt lonely at work despite being surrounded by people. The thing is they had no real connection to me. I never feel lonely when my partner is around. I do sometimes experience moments of loneliness with friends - when I feel misunderstood or ignored or passed over. But that's momentary.
No-one here can possibly suggest how to combat your loneliness as only you know what's at the heart of it - or maybe you don't but you will be closer to it than any of us.
All I can say is that I genuinely hope you find a way to deal with that because I think, based on my own past experiences, that this could be linked to your consumption issues. LL is supposed to be dealing with the underlying causes but I wonder if many of us have barely scratched the surface in the group counselling?
Anyway - positive vibes....:flowers:but I can't find that smiley.
Hi sarah. You seem to be doing really well, even though I get the sense that you don't think you are. It takes time to learn what is right for you and what is not. I've been 'eating' since April 2006, and it's taken me up til now to not be 'on a diet', and to just eat what works for me and exercise. Being 'on a diet' lead to the weight gain you will see if you cast your eyes to the bottom of this post. Conversely, eating more of the foods that work for me, and avoiding the ones that don't, and knowing what food routine is best for me, and what exercise routine is better for me, is leading to a slow, but sustained loss, and my body starting to look the best it ever has (I say starting to look, because it is still 2 sizes bigger than i want it to be, but I know that in a year it won't be). Anyway, my point is that this is all stuff that you learn gradually. Remember, you didn't gain weight overnight, you have had years of knowing how to be overweight, it would be ridiculous to expect to know how to be slim instantly, wouldn't it?
Cerulean
Silver Member
Well - officially I am just entering week 8, but due to recent eating behaviour I have decided to do a full week of 7 - which is your basic baseline foods before introducing potential trigger staples like rice, potato and pasta next week. In fact I think - after I've discussed it with my counsellor that I may stay with week 8 for the next month or so. I need to establish routines - and there was a point around about week 4 where I got hopelessly confused with what I could and couldn't have and what week I was on and a bit overwhelmed with the shopping and the food. So this week I have introduced sweet potato and parsnip.
I have cycled to work every day this week and last SUnday I cycled about 30 miles and today I cycled to the Tate Britain and then around all the royal parks and up the back of the Edgeware Road to find a bridge onto the Regents Canal towpath - and then across the Angel and my usual route home - so all in all about 2.5 hours of cycling and I guess at least 20 miles - maybe a bit under - maybe a bit over.
I think that the non trigger starchy foods are really helpful in balancing my blood sugar - I haven't wanted fruit since I had my dinner of roasted parsnip and sweet potatoes. I am also wondering if part of my binge behaviour comes from months and months of being so far under the recommended daily allowance for fibre (and based on what you eat in RtM you don't even get close to the RDA at all)
- but that's just speculation - but I do know that my body craves fibre - it feels satisfied after high fibre food. I am looking forward to using pulses this week.
In terms of seasonal eating I would recommend eating the best juicy pears with a good cured ham with the fat taken off (Week 4 and beyond) as an easy at home supper - it's a bit poncy and ceremonial for desk eating
I also rather enjoy figs with fromage frais at the moment.
So - at BMI 26 I start to feel uncomfortable. At BMI 22 I feel fragile and look gaunt. But I do know that I need to lose 14-20 lbs to be right. But that's fine. I will never go on a diet again. I want the endless faffing with food to be over.
Nigella fans will note that her speedy crab salad recipe from this week's Nigella Express can easily be adapted for very early RtM - just knock out the mirin (a week 5 ingredient) and swap the avocado for cucumber until that makes an appearance.
I have cycled to work every day this week and last SUnday I cycled about 30 miles and today I cycled to the Tate Britain and then around all the royal parks and up the back of the Edgeware Road to find a bridge onto the Regents Canal towpath - and then across the Angel and my usual route home - so all in all about 2.5 hours of cycling and I guess at least 20 miles - maybe a bit under - maybe a bit over.
I think that the non trigger starchy foods are really helpful in balancing my blood sugar - I haven't wanted fruit since I had my dinner of roasted parsnip and sweet potatoes. I am also wondering if part of my binge behaviour comes from months and months of being so far under the recommended daily allowance for fibre (and based on what you eat in RtM you don't even get close to the RDA at all)
- but that's just speculation - but I do know that my body craves fibre - it feels satisfied after high fibre food. I am looking forward to using pulses this week.
In terms of seasonal eating I would recommend eating the best juicy pears with a good cured ham with the fat taken off (Week 4 and beyond) as an easy at home supper - it's a bit poncy and ceremonial for desk eating
I also rather enjoy figs with fromage frais at the moment.
So - at BMI 26 I start to feel uncomfortable. At BMI 22 I feel fragile and look gaunt. But I do know that I need to lose 14-20 lbs to be right. But that's fine. I will never go on a diet again. I want the endless faffing with food to be over.
Nigella fans will note that her speedy crab salad recipe from this week's Nigella Express can easily be adapted for very early RtM - just knock out the mirin (a week 5 ingredient) and swap the avocado for cucumber until that makes an appearance.
Sez
has started again!!
Hi Sarah. Just popping by to pat you on the back once again! I am sincerely happy that you are beginnig to see the light at the end of your particular tunnel. This thread makes the way I am feeling now all the more "normal", if there is such a state during a VLCD! I am encouraged by the way in which yuo are able to exorcise these demons and deal with your food issuess, in an adult fashion.
I do wonder if the trials I am personally going through atm, are indicative of the way I will be once I am allowed in the foodie world once again, or if I will have been able to work through these issues along my way to management. I suppose only time will tell. One thing I do know now, is that I have no choice over being the size I once was. I cannot begin to contemplate how I would feel were I to become that obese woman, revisting old demons and misery, daily.
I am now using my thoughts in a more productive manner, sometimes writing, sometimes just thinking. I wish I had been able to determine where the difference lies between my good days and the others. I am not always aware of what causes my binging or my complete abstinence, but I am working towards that goal too.
All the best Sarah, and thanks. xx
I do wonder if the trials I am personally going through atm, are indicative of the way I will be once I am allowed in the foodie world once again, or if I will have been able to work through these issues along my way to management. I suppose only time will tell. One thing I do know now, is that I have no choice over being the size I once was. I cannot begin to contemplate how I would feel were I to become that obese woman, revisting old demons and misery, daily.
I am now using my thoughts in a more productive manner, sometimes writing, sometimes just thinking. I wish I had been able to determine where the difference lies between my good days and the others. I am not always aware of what causes my binging or my complete abstinence, but I am working towards that goal too.
All the best Sarah, and thanks. xx
Congratulations on getting the cycling Bug Sarah, I would try and get a speedo though check out chainreactioncycles.com.They do free postage as well and I have ordered lots from them and it so far has arrived the next day. I cycled down to worthing today with a couple of friends 68 miles all together it was fantastic. I've made the same decision as you, I'm no longer going to diet I'm making good choices with plenty of exercise. I'm still just under the weight I was when I finished abstinence so it's all good. Keep up the great work and get a speedo its a huge buzz when you start adding to your mileage or average spped.
Cerulean
Silver Member
Well - today is the first day for over two weeks that my bike hasn't left the house - and there's a jolly good reason for that...it was mainly because I went to leave the house and realised that my two pairs of jeans, all my leggings and my tracksuit bottoms were in the wash - I only have one pair of work trousers and they were in the wash as well. This made me realise a few things...
So I have stepped in and fingers crossed I am about to complete my second on plan day in a row for the first time since the festival. Being at work really is the problem - at home I find it much easier to control my eating - which is odd - at home where I can have anything I want and go to a myriad of wonderful supermarkets and shops and pile my plate high with whatever I fancy - I seem to have the ability to stop myself from doing that - but at work, where everything is overpriced and involves a walk of at least 500 steps and is also - to a degree - somewhat embarrassing because I'm sure the people who sit next to me have noticed that I cane about 10 chocolate bars a day.
It's so strange - I have tried shopping for my work binges at my local supermarket, and I just can;t do it - on some days I have been spending £5 a day on vending machine chocolate - for the same amount of money I could buy 3 times as much chocolate - but try as I might I just can't do it - so it's not about having the chocolate to hand - it must be to do with walking away from my desk and anaesthetising my sensitivties.
I've managed to calm down my home binges, so this week I will try the same at work - just limiting my behaviour and setting boundaries for myself. I have to reverse psychologise my way out of it
Anyway - I am off to hypnotise myself away from chocolate as much as I can.
Today was the first day I felt genuine hunger in some weeks which was really nice! I enjoyed feeling hungry! I got home and just had a couple of pieces of fruit and decided to make dinner later - I normally would have just wolfed something as quickly as I could or gone to the corner shop to buy binge foods.
Some friends and I went on a Beatles walk. It was very odd - but it was nice to do something more sociable and unusual for me - and it was all because all my clothes were in the wash.
- I don't have enough clothes for my new size - due to money I never did get to commit to a new wardrobe - I guess in part it's to do with getting to goal at a point where the seasons were changing
- What clothes I do have I take very little pride in - the money thing really has knocked my self esteem back a bit.
- I just can't bring myself to shop - I have no idea what size I want to be and no desire to invest until I've stabilised.
- I have a few important meetings at work in the next few weeks and I'm loath to buy a suit as at this very moment I am not quite a 12 (I seem to carry my glycogen in my boobs!) so I'd have to get a 14 jacket. I may just have to invest an interim £70 to give myself a perk for the next month I guess.
So I have stepped in and fingers crossed I am about to complete my second on plan day in a row for the first time since the festival. Being at work really is the problem - at home I find it much easier to control my eating - which is odd - at home where I can have anything I want and go to a myriad of wonderful supermarkets and shops and pile my plate high with whatever I fancy - I seem to have the ability to stop myself from doing that - but at work, where everything is overpriced and involves a walk of at least 500 steps and is also - to a degree - somewhat embarrassing because I'm sure the people who sit next to me have noticed that I cane about 10 chocolate bars a day.
It's so strange - I have tried shopping for my work binges at my local supermarket, and I just can;t do it - on some days I have been spending £5 a day on vending machine chocolate - for the same amount of money I could buy 3 times as much chocolate - but try as I might I just can't do it - so it's not about having the chocolate to hand - it must be to do with walking away from my desk and anaesthetising my sensitivties.
I've managed to calm down my home binges, so this week I will try the same at work - just limiting my behaviour and setting boundaries for myself. I have to reverse psychologise my way out of it
Anyway - I am off to hypnotise myself away from chocolate as much as I can.
Today was the first day I felt genuine hunger in some weeks which was really nice! I enjoyed feeling hungry! I got home and just had a couple of pieces of fruit and decided to make dinner later - I normally would have just wolfed something as quickly as I could or gone to the corner shop to buy binge foods.
Some friends and I went on a Beatles walk. It was very odd - but it was nice to do something more sociable and unusual for me - and it was all because all my clothes were in the wash.
Cerulean
Silver Member
I was in Marylebone and St John's Wood today...I could have got a new suit in Dotty Ps cheaper than one of the jumpers I saw in the window of the Cancer Research!
I don't mind buying charity shop stuff for fun and dress up, but I have a huge thing about the smell of secondhand clothes - even from friends.
I don't mind buying charity shop stuff for fun and dress up, but I have a huge thing about the smell of secondhand clothes - even from friends.
Sarah, The way I got round binging at work was I didn't take any money or cards with me to work, no money= no snacks, in fact at one point when I was struggling at home as well I gave all my money and wallet to someone to hold so that I couldn't spend. I still even now leave my money at home I take lunch and stuff with me so don't need to have it with me.
Tiger Girl
Full Member
Hey Sarah
Someone told me recently that an OA strategy is to appoint some well placed 'watchers'. People who will actively intervene and tell you 'no'. There may be more to it than this, but I tried it based on what I know about it. There are very few people at work who know what I'm doing, but I've appointed 2 'watchers'. I'm not sure if this could be an option for you? I'm not going to lie, my rebellious child at times actually wants to murder my 'watchers' and I've given much thought to trying to out-watch them, but I eventually tired of that and it's definitely worked.
Someone told me recently that an OA strategy is to appoint some well placed 'watchers'. People who will actively intervene and tell you 'no'. There may be more to it than this, but I tried it based on what I know about it. There are very few people at work who know what I'm doing, but I've appointed 2 'watchers'. I'm not sure if this could be an option for you? I'm not going to lie, my rebellious child at times actually wants to murder my 'watchers' and I've given much thought to trying to out-watch them, but I eventually tired of that and it's definitely worked.
