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Secret diary of a SMALL girl...to be

Once upon a time I was a small girl.... you are too thin! eat more pastry! put some meat on yer bones! they said..... So I did. Oh how I regret the day I fell in love with eating.

I went from a size 8 - 10 in 1998 to a size 18 -20 by 2008. I've spent the last 2years losing 3 1/2 stone only to regain it How did I end up here I asked myself shaking my head in disappointment?

1. I met my husband and settled down (sound familiar?)

2. We enjoyed each other's company and shared meals, eating out and cooking together (sound familiar?)

3. Money wasn't such a problem as it had been in my pre-husband life..so hey why not buy lots of luxurious tasty rich foods to indulge in and share... I deserved it!

4. I discovered a taste for alcohol.... mmmm that nice tipsy giggly feeling losing inhibitions, relaxing, ooohhh yeeaah. Never mind the calories and the nibbles to go with it...

5. My career began to advance bringing added pressure... oohh how the food made me feel nice when I was out of my comfort zone.

6. Busy busy busy... eat on the run, grab high fat greasy food and eat without noticing.

7. Clothes are feeling tight better start dieting........ And there my unhealthy relationship with emotional eating began without even noticing.

I have recently realised my problem with food runs very deep and I have spoken with my GP about my obsessional thoughts and behaviour around food. She has prescribed me medication for OCD to calm my obsessional overeating. Also, I have started seeing a hypnotherapist fortnightly to work towards making permanent changes to the habits I have developed that have brought me to where I am now..... which are feelings of desperation and shame. I cannot continue with every waking thought being about food. I am spending this weekend making a masterplan in my mind to end this forever. I hope that some of you will join me in my Secret diary of a small girl.. to be as I travel on this final journey. I can't always write every day but I plan to update my diary as much as possible... feel free to add any comments or thoughts along the way.
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S: 19st2lb C: 16st13lb G: 10st0lb BMI: 40.7 Loss: 2st3lb(11.57%)
Hi and welcome! Great post, will be checking in to see how things go. x
Thanks - hi to you too CornishKez. I'm quite excited as i've never done a diary before... here goes.
hi! i am with you and will check in on you. I am on week 11 now and have lost 22lbs so far. 13lbs from goal. its been slow for me but i refuse to give up. my top tips are to have loads of water, its hard at first but now i love it and have it even when i have a planned day off. no matter how bad food wise you have been CARRY ON with cd. dont listen to the voices in your head (they usually start on the evening of day 1). it gets easier and easier, believe me. and dont compare your losses to anyone elses. this is your journey and use your diary to vent all your frustrations, fears, highs and lows, its a great outlet. also, us the time on CD to retrain your brain into making healthier choices and relaising that we need to eat to live and must stop living to eat!

i am feeling so positive for you and cant wait for your next update!
Thanks Leeds 123 for you positive words of encouragement. I'm compiling my next post later today as rushing out shortly... Day 1 has begun... x


Full Member
S: 12st2.5lb G: 9st0lb
Good luck GOG, I wish you al the best and look forward to reading your diary.

Along with my objective to return to a healthy weight where I feel energetic, happy and successful is to change my habits to reduce my obsessive behaviour, which means re-learning how to eat, drink and act with everything in moderation. Therefore my master plan is as follows…. (Sounds confusing in places but makes perfect sense to me – maybe I’m actually mad really? What is normal?) :D

Diary of a small girl … to be …Master plan

It is flexible – If I make rules it is inevitable I will try my best to find a loophole. So, I will choose to SS and if I genuinely feel the need to add a meal then so be it – it will be a meal that is low carb, healthy and enjoyable.

I will take one day at a time – Upon waking I will remember all the good feelings that will come the following morning when I have made the right choice the day before. Sounds odd but I know what I mean and hopefully so do any readers!

I will have a “to do” list of things I’ve been putting off doing. If I hear that inner voice trying to convince me of obsessive behaviour I will channel it immediately into “to do” mode and take action – my husband will think I’ve got a cleaner in I expect!

I will recognise my goal weight when I arrive. I am choosing to decide my arrival when I get there, as setting deadlines will only add pressure that my inner voice will rebel against.

I will list all the activities that make me feel good and why. If I’m having a wobbly day I will take this list and do at least one of them at a time until my wobbly moment has passed. ie. Walking in fresh air, chatting to a friend, surfing minimins…

I will be totally honest on Minimins. This is the place that I can bare my soul and be completely honest without feeling judged. We are all here for the same or similar reason and understand each other’s journeys more than most people in the big wide world.

This is forever…. This is my life change plan not just a plan that will last long enough to look good for the next wedding or holiday or reunion or whatever. The reason I regained my weight from last time is because I was slimming down for an operation not for life. Therefore, my subconscious was always going to allow me to return to my old behaviour patterns, as I hadn’t decided it was a permanent change. As the song goes…. This time I know it’s for real!

[FONT=&quot]So Day 1 is done (SS) and I woke this morning feeling pretty darn good for seeing it through last night (my hardest bit). My motivation has increased already as a result. I am suffering with a stinking cold and started to doubt if yesterday was a good day to begin and then I thought of my master plan and figured This is forever just cos I have a cold it shouldn’t mean I spend the day eating crap and feeling sorry for myself (old behaviour). I’m so glad I did start yesterday, as today I’m already feeling better. Yeeha I’m on my way.
S: 17st7lb C: 16st13lb G: 12st0lb BMI: 36 Loss: 0st8lb(3.27%)
hi and welcome. day 1 down is fab. just keep your focus on what it is you want to achieve and i'm sure that you'll get there.

i'm into week 5 now and i have my weigh in today. i think i've lost about 2 1/2lbs this week. mind... i'm exercise crazy and spend quite a bit of time at the gym or exercising.

this is my 3rd time doing CD but 2nd time doing SS. the first time i did the 790 plan (which moved to the 810 plan) then got pregnant. then i had about 5 1/2 stone to loose so i came back to CD and lost 5 1/2 stone then got pregnant with my 2nd child. i'm now back to loose the remainder of my baby weight. no more children. 2 is enough, and we're happy as a family. so this time my diet is for keeps.

good luck. :D
Day 2 - I have been for a session of hypnotherapy this morning, which is helping me to deal with underlying issues that I have. I am feeling really motivated and this can only support my master plan.

Something the lady helped make me aware of in my first ever session a few weeks back refers back to my first post…. where we have looked at when my dieting issues / weight gain began. The first thing that springs to mind are the below…

1. I met my husband and settled down (sound familiar?)

2. We enjoyed each other's company and shared meals, eating out and cooking together (sound familiar?)

Mary (my hypnotherapy lady) helped me to realise that my comfort eating isn’t because deep down I’m unhappy with my lot, but because points 1 & 2 above was a period in my life where I had feelings of happiness, joy, safety and security. Therefore, when I have feelings that are unsafe, insecure, stressful or uncomfortable my unconscious mind immediately told me to eat because I associate lovely food and eating with a positive time in my life and it was trying to fix those feelings! What an eye-opener that was…. So there it is the answer in fewer than 5 mins of meeting her. WOW. This so makes sense… Before I met my husband I hadn’t really had an appetite and could take it or leave it with a meal – I had also been in a relationship where I had become the victim of domestic violence / abuse over a period of 5 years. I finally escaped from that situation and then my new empowered self met my husband – our first common interest became the eating out, takeaways, cooking and dining. Hence, these habits became my safety habits. Those safety habits eventually became my enemy in a war that is no longer a battle in my mind. I will win – it’s the only outcome, as I don’t need food as a support any more. Onward and upward as they say…..
I would also like to add another point to my master plan which I forgot to mention. I am being weighed once a week but I am not looking at the result until I know I have dropped a dress size. When I can get my hand down inside my trousers without undoing the button or zip - I will then look. The number on the scales is a big stumbling block for me. If I lose I convince myself it should have been more. If I gain I feel like all effort for nothing and give up. If I maintain it gets me down. I'm not easily pleased when it comes to the figure on the scales. I will be measuring my success by my clothes and may announce my weight loss each drop in dress size...
wow! great posts. and very brave of you to not know what you are losing. it makes perfect sense of course but would be too hard for me. i need to know exactly where i am but wish i could go with how clothes fit as this is a better indicator anyway.
Thanks Leeds123. Being tempted to look at the scales will be my biggest challenge other than losing the weight as I also need to know where i'm at. However, I now realise this is one of the things that has made me fail in the past. Again, for me it is about changing my behaviour.

You look as though you are doing well with your losses! Well done to you... I had been reading some of your posts before I started my diary. They certainly helped me make my mind up to start posting again and share my thoughts and feelings, etc. Thanks for that. x
And so... I am nearing the end of day 2. I'm about to have a tomato soup for my supper. The lightheaded, tired, spaced feeling is starting so off to bed in a mo. One good thing, I've spent the last 2 hours sorting all my kids wardrobes out which were in a right pickle. Clutter free cupboards strangely help me feel much better and it was more therapeutic than sitting eating food with OH and then craving more as my old behaviour was ..once I started I didn't wanna stop. Well i've just channeled that into the family wardrobes. Nice result!
Oh and I can't wait to wake tomorrow morning and not feel bloated and exhausted. Gotta feeling I'm gonna wake up feeling even better psychologically! Day 3 come on.....
5 hours into Day 3 and feeling heady but I guess that is part to do with my head cold. I'm at work today and feels harder than when i'm home because you are told when your meal break is. It's in about 5 mins and would prefer a later break to have my shake later in the day... never mind. I did also wake up feeling good knowing I had conquered another day....
PPPhhheeewww.... I decided to go for a brisk walk on my lunchbreak. I have returned red faced, sweaty and balls of my feet are killing me (I need new shoes!). I've done 30 mins in my work shoes. Note to self... bring flat shoes to work.
S: 19st2lb C: 16st13lb G: 10st0lb BMI: 40.7 Loss: 2st3lb(11.57%)
Haha! Well done on the walking, I went for a walk the other morning and ended up out for an hour and half in trainersthat weren't really designed for walking. My feet were killing for ages!
Everyone is now looking at me funny as i'm now hobbling everywhere!
Day 4 - feeling a bit hungry today and slight dizzyness - will up my water and fluid intake. I can see it throug though, as this is another morning I have felt great waking up feeling smaller. Trousers already feeling a bit looser...


Excited about the new me!
S: 16st6.5lb C: 15st9lb G: 9st10lb BMI: 34.3 Loss: 0st11.5lb(4.99%)
Hi Go.

Only just noticed your thread and just popped in to say Hi..hope all is going well and you do sound like you're having fun doing your walking too :). All helps and hope you took in your flatties today too xx

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