txgardenia
Full Member
Hi everyone.
I recently started reading 'fat is a feminist issue' by Susie Orbach. She talks about how some women say they want to be thin, but they unsconsciously sabotage their efforts and on some deep level, want to remain overweight.
I scoffed at this as I was reading it, thinking 'no way, that isn't me'. But then I started thinking what I would lose if I were no longer overweight....
Background: Most of my life, i was thin. I had ups and downs during certain stressful periods where I would gain tons of weight, but I always lost it again just as quickly because I would lose my appetite quite frequently. I have only maintained a consistently overweight body in the last 3 years.
Well, my whole life I have always struggled with unwanted attention from men. That may sound really stupid, because most women want to be attractive, right? But I don't think most women truly want to be accosted when filling up the car with petrol, in line at the grocery store, constantly dealing with drama at work because some male co worker has taken a fancy to them. It cripples your life. Now, I am not really that good looking. I am not classically pretty. I'm not ugly, but I'm no Angelina! My best friend tells me that there's something about me that attracts stalkers (although she was no help in figuring out what!!). All through my life I have routinely gotten so sick of it at certain points, that I purposely bought hideous clothes that made me look awful, just so I could sit down on a bench at the mall without some creep sitting down next to me and trying to get my number.
Going along with this, I have never been able to have male friends, even though I get along better with men sometimes because i have a keen interest in motorcycle riding and videogames (not something a lot of women are able to chat with me about). But any time I make a male friend that I think is going to be around for a while, eventually I find out they want something more and I am bitterly disappointed.
Well, since I have been fat, I have made (and kept!!!) several male friends for the first time in my life. I have also made a really close female friend for the first time in years. Previously when I was thin, I would get criticized for 'being a flirt' when I was friendly to people, and women would frequently be really rude and unkind to me. I felt that I couldn't smile or be cheerful towards any men because I would get a backlash of women telling me I was flirting and hurling criticisms at me.
Since I have been fat, I feel like I have been able to be friendly without any problems for the first time in my life. I chat with strangers on the tube, laugh with the guy who gives me my Starbucks, talk easily with women who give me genuine smiles for once instead of dagger looks and glares. I feel really free. I think deep down I am mourning the idea that I will lose all that once I am thin again.
I think there is too much emphasis in our society on what I like to call 'the mating ritual'. You can't get away from it even if you have no interest in it! I have never been a flirt intentionally.. in fact, if I fancy a guy I turn into a complete imbecile, blushing and stuttering. I don't think I have ever deserved the kind of treatment women have given me. And I certainly never enjoyed the constant barrage of opportunistic men trying to chat me up (believe me, if I'm not Angelina, these guys were not Brad Pitt either!!).
Anyway, the point of this rambling post is that I realize i do feel quite sad at the thought of having to go back to my old ways of keeping a smile off my face, avoiding eye contact and never saying more than I absolutely have to, when dealing with men. Or the loneliness of never having a female friend to confide in. Being overweight has freed me from societal expectations of what a friendly woman means. Apparently, a friendly woman who is thin is advertising herself as being 'on the market' simply by going outside her front door. Whereas a friendly fat woman has complete immunity and can chat and smile and no one thinks a thing of it-- she is JUST being nice!!
I would like to look good again, for myself... and I would like to wear nice clothes as I have in the past, but I feel on some level that either I must hide my body, or hide my personality. Either I must look good but say nothing and appear aloof and unfriendly, or I must make myself look unattractive and frumpy so I can let my personality out.
I recently started reading 'fat is a feminist issue' by Susie Orbach. She talks about how some women say they want to be thin, but they unsconsciously sabotage their efforts and on some deep level, want to remain overweight.
I scoffed at this as I was reading it, thinking 'no way, that isn't me'. But then I started thinking what I would lose if I were no longer overweight....
Background: Most of my life, i was thin. I had ups and downs during certain stressful periods where I would gain tons of weight, but I always lost it again just as quickly because I would lose my appetite quite frequently. I have only maintained a consistently overweight body in the last 3 years.
Well, my whole life I have always struggled with unwanted attention from men. That may sound really stupid, because most women want to be attractive, right? But I don't think most women truly want to be accosted when filling up the car with petrol, in line at the grocery store, constantly dealing with drama at work because some male co worker has taken a fancy to them. It cripples your life. Now, I am not really that good looking. I am not classically pretty. I'm not ugly, but I'm no Angelina! My best friend tells me that there's something about me that attracts stalkers (although she was no help in figuring out what!!). All through my life I have routinely gotten so sick of it at certain points, that I purposely bought hideous clothes that made me look awful, just so I could sit down on a bench at the mall without some creep sitting down next to me and trying to get my number.
Going along with this, I have never been able to have male friends, even though I get along better with men sometimes because i have a keen interest in motorcycle riding and videogames (not something a lot of women are able to chat with me about). But any time I make a male friend that I think is going to be around for a while, eventually I find out they want something more and I am bitterly disappointed.
Well, since I have been fat, I have made (and kept!!!) several male friends for the first time in my life. I have also made a really close female friend for the first time in years. Previously when I was thin, I would get criticized for 'being a flirt' when I was friendly to people, and women would frequently be really rude and unkind to me. I felt that I couldn't smile or be cheerful towards any men because I would get a backlash of women telling me I was flirting and hurling criticisms at me.
Since I have been fat, I feel like I have been able to be friendly without any problems for the first time in my life. I chat with strangers on the tube, laugh with the guy who gives me my Starbucks, talk easily with women who give me genuine smiles for once instead of dagger looks and glares. I feel really free. I think deep down I am mourning the idea that I will lose all that once I am thin again.
I think there is too much emphasis in our society on what I like to call 'the mating ritual'. You can't get away from it even if you have no interest in it! I have never been a flirt intentionally.. in fact, if I fancy a guy I turn into a complete imbecile, blushing and stuttering. I don't think I have ever deserved the kind of treatment women have given me. And I certainly never enjoyed the constant barrage of opportunistic men trying to chat me up (believe me, if I'm not Angelina, these guys were not Brad Pitt either!!).
Anyway, the point of this rambling post is that I realize i do feel quite sad at the thought of having to go back to my old ways of keeping a smile off my face, avoiding eye contact and never saying more than I absolutely have to, when dealing with men. Or the loneliness of never having a female friend to confide in. Being overweight has freed me from societal expectations of what a friendly woman means. Apparently, a friendly woman who is thin is advertising herself as being 'on the market' simply by going outside her front door. Whereas a friendly fat woman has complete immunity and can chat and smile and no one thinks a thing of it-- she is JUST being nice!!
I would like to look good again, for myself... and I would like to wear nice clothes as I have in the past, but I feel on some level that either I must hide my body, or hide my personality. Either I must look good but say nothing and appear aloof and unfriendly, or I must make myself look unattractive and frumpy so I can let my personality out.