Slushy's journal - why is today a struggle?

[slushy]

Morning all

I had thought of opening a blog, but prefer to share my diary with people in the same situation as myself, so if noone minds, this is going to be my diary of my journey to slimdom.

So here is a little intro:

I am 45, , in a relationship thats a little unconventional as he is in New York and I am based in Worcester UK.
We manage well though, as I work for a major airline and fly to the US for work a lot as well as getting cheapo/freebie flights, so we do actually see each other a lot. We have been together five years. The rest of the time we spend hours and hours on line chatting together etc

I did CD SS back at the start of this year and lost a stone - that took me a month - I then went on a holiday to Vegas and have binged ever since - so I am back where I started... needing to lose 3 stone.

Today is day1 and I am feeling fine so far.
I tend to miss white tea and diet coke most, not a coffee drinker at all.

I have managed 2 liters of water this mroning and am having my first shake of the day - a hot butterscotch - right now for lunch. Not my fave to be honest but it is an old pack that will soon be out of date - and I am a waste not want not person - thats how I got to this size in the first place lol

My reasons for doing CD SS :
1 To feel able to get naked in front of OH and not have to hide in the dark or under the sheets.
2 To not feel like crying when i see my blubber in the bathroom mirror.
3 To actually be able to buy nice clothes again instead of feeling i have to live in baggy sweats all day every day
4 To not feel so inferior to the young skinny minnies i work with - I KNOW deep down i am as valuable as them.
5 To be able to take up excercie properly again - i loved dance and aerobics but now feel too fat to join a class
6 To be able to go to Vegas again in April and wear a bikini by the pool!

Things I struggle with and have to overcome :
I am fine at home when I have no food around to tempt me but I have to learn how to resist the food on flights, how to say no to chcocolate and crisps, how to go out at night and have a good time without alcohol.

Mini Goal: To be one stone lighter by 1 Nov.

Hope that wasnt too boring a read : )

 

[i'lldoit]

Hi Slushy
Your not alone
so many people here can identify with you.......Im one of them
Today is day 1 of your new life roll on christmas where you'll be feeling and looking absolutely fantastic

((((hugs))))
xxc

 

[slushy]

thanks i'lldoit
i'll do it too : )

 

[Mini]

Hi slushy,

You have done it before so you do know how to lose weight and you now know how easy it is to put back on...

I think you have learned from the last time and now this will make a difference as you do sound very determined.

Your mini goal will keep you on track and is very achievable and next April you should be trim and slim for that bikini beside the pool in Vega no problem.


I hope you have done your measurements and photos as they will keep you motivated as you go.

Wishing you the best of success on your weight loss journey.

Love Mini xxx

 

[slushy]

Thanks mini

I am determined this time-

hope thats not famous last words

Well last night I had the expected humdinger of a headache - so went to bed early and had a reallly good nights sleep. Was pretty nicely suprised that I didnt actually wake up starving. I separate my sweet flavoured packs into two servings. so yesterday I had half a butterscotch in the mid morning, half at lunch time. Disgusting and barely edible Tom soup for dinner, with a choccie tetra pack late evening as desert. It works for me as evening is the time I would usually pick at crisps and choccies etc.

So far so good - looking at all the before and after pics and resing everyones journals and success stories is keeping me motivated.

Had hair cut into a new style today AND bought an inexpensive but lovely knitted dress from new look in a size too small as an incentive to make this diet work this time.

 

[slushy]

ok so day three
but lordy i struggled last night. Kept myself busy by reading here, soaking in the tub and starting a new online course to learn to speak spanish ( latin american spanish ) and somehow managed to get thru the night but i did drink a can of diet coke which i know is bad. BUT if its a choice between pigging out on biscuits and failing completely, or chugging a can of diet coke - well i thinhk its the lesser of the two evils. I am also a person who previously drank about 6 cans a day so in effect im trying to wean myself off it rather than just go cold turkey.

listen to me trying to justify my blip!!


today has been ok so far, three liters of water down and im just having my first half packet of chocolate mint. quite yummy if you ask me.

Lovely lady on gmtv this morning who has gone from a size 24 to a size 6-8 in a year on LL really inspired me - this time i know i just have to stop messing about and wasting time, stick to my guns and let this diet work for me.

EVERY DAY I CHEAT IS ANOTHER DAY FAT, ANOTHER DAY NOT LIKING HOW I LOOK AND FEEL AND ANOTHER DAY ON SS!!

 

[Isobel1965]

EVERY DAY I CHEAT IS ANOTHER DAY FAT, ANOTHER DAY NOT LIKING HOW I LOOK AND FEEL AND ANOTHER DAY ON SS!!

Fantastic mantra, hun!

Well done on your achievements so far and keep up the good work!!!

 

[slushy]

Posting this at 5.30 pm day 3

As i am usually in bed by 10pm i feel i can safely say today has been a success.
lovely chocmint for lunch, chicken and mushroom soup at 5 and i still have a choc tetra as my evening treat while watching corrie

I really hope i am not speaking too soon but suddenly today i feel as if something has clicked inside me and this really will be my last diet - i truly believe that theres a right time in each individuals life for a person to seriously lose weight - and that now is my time.

I am going to put my feet up tonight and watch tv , drink some lovely san pelegrino sparkling water and give myself a manicure and pedicure, then have an early night.

Mini - something you typed on cah-chings diary thread really worked for me tonight too - where you said that instead of dreams centering around food they now center onother things - i am going to try and coach myself to do that. Thanks for the wise words.

 

[slushy]

Day 4 and probably the most difficult so far

GOt up at 8 am and will be up all night as tonight i have an overnight flight to Abuja, Nigeria.
Its hard to know how to spread out my meals. It will also be my first big test of ignorning the food on the plane and not picking at all the goodies in first class.
Up till now , when we arrive at a destination, it has always been my little habit to relax in the bath with a glass of red wine or a jack daniels and diet coke, I am going to miss that too.
To add to it all, my OH is having his second MRI scan today as he has some kind of growth on his spinal cord - we have both said there's no point in worrying until we know for sure there is something to worry about but it is easier said than done. Am hoping that the results come through fast.

Also realized today that my sister triggers unhealthy eating habits in me. I dont see her too often but every time i do i get really sick of her bragging. She has turned into one of those school gate yummy mummy posh wannabes who has the latest label in everything and drives her chelsea tractor everywhere with her mobile glued to her ear. So so different to the way we grew up - and it irritates me .

Perhaps I just got out of bed on the wrong side today!

 

[slushy]

Well i am pleased with myself even if noone else cares - have succeded in sticking to SS despite flying to Nigeria and back working in first class and managed to resist all the yummies.

I have stayed in ketosis well despite allowing myself a can of diet coke each evening as a treat - as i said above - i know its not recommended - but having the dc stops me feeling deprived and going off the wagon big time.

Have also found myself a new cdc who is much closer in distance and who i feel already i am gelling with. My last one basically just sold me the packs, weighed me and that was it, no chat, no info or advice etc

Non-diet wise - will be spending the next week in New York with OH and awaiting the latest from his MRI. Options now seem to be based on more drugs OR a lumber puncture/spinal tap. But as the tumor is high up towards the neck they want to avoid that if poss as theres a higher risk the higher they are.

My official weigh in will be on Wednesday morning and i am dying to see what I have lost - but wont be disappointed whatever it is as my uniform is already looser so i know somethings working!

 

[kazz]

Hiya Slushy...well done on resisting first class munchies....not sure I would've been able to....then again, I dont do first class often!! Hopefully your OH MRI will be ok....

 

[Biggirlsam]

Hi slushy- keep going and I hope all is ok with you and your OH. i'm in Vegas in April its a wonderful place isn't it. I 'd never wear a bikini thought!!

 

[slushy]

sam ill be there in april too!!! if we are there at same time we should make a pact to meet in something skimpy and have a cocktail by the pool!!!

ill be there from about 9th till 20th - you?

 

[slushy]

I LOVE this diet
8LBS GONE FOR EVER!!

WOOHOO.

 

[Gemma79]

Hi Slushey, just read your diary and must say we have a lot in common. I too have a diet coke or dr pepper Z a night and it's not done me any harm. My CDC says when she was on cambridge she limited herself to 3 cans a day hehe so I figure one is fine for me.

8lbs is fantastic, well done you. Seems not picking on the flight got you what you wanted. You seem so focused, I look forward to reading your diary.
Wishing you a good day, Gemma x

 

[slushy]

thanks Gemma

if i didnt have my dc each night i know id go binge on something much worse

it might not work for everyone but having that stops me feeling deprived and resentful - so its the one little thing i allow myself

just been to the dentist and left side of face is all numb and dribbly so wont be having anything but water for the next ccouple of hours - and im already wearing half of that : )

thanks for your post
x

 

[slushy]

Day 9 and i am starting to feel that i have nothing much diet wise to write about

it has all very much become routine
get up
fill water bottles
do my morning stuff supping water
stop for lunch (1/2 choc mint shake )
walk dog
have second half of lunch shake
study
make dinner and have half a soup while i cook
have second half of soup while others eat
do whatever i do in evening with a choccie tetra still to come!

works for me : )

just wanted to say though that yesterday i had a black coffee made with half a teaspoon of whittards vanilla flavor instant and literally one splash of semi skim milk - it knocked me out of ketosis - serves me right - so i went to bed hungry last night, woke up ok this morning though and am back on track

however its a lesson learned and i will not be tempted by it again

Rl - OH had an electronic nerve stimulus test yesterday and another mri as well as mor eblood taken - hopefully dr will call with results later today

my spanish is coming along well - really want to be able to communicate with locals better next time i go to mexico and thats what i am working towards

as from today i am cutting my one can of dc or coke zero that i have been allowing myself a night down to 1/2 a can - it hasnt made any difference to my ketosis or weight loss but i do want to wean myself off it if i can and then have it as just an occasional treat


getting my first bars on monday and SOOOO looking forward to chewing!!

 

[moomin-mama]

Hi slushy, you're doing really well!!

Disappointed to hear about the coffee...........I was just debating with myself about whether a cup of tea with a splash of milk would do any harm. I guess it will??

Oh well, back to mint tea (yeauch)

 

[slushy]

Dunno whats wrong with me today. Dietwise it has gone ok. Woke up to hear chatterbox telling me to weigh myself again and then to celebrate if there was a loss with a bottle of wine. Managed to resist the scales and to shut her up.

Spent the morning doing a load of baking and cooking for my dad's freezer. Felt pretty pleased with myself after that as I even managed to not lick the spoon or do any taste tests.

Then things started to go downhill. Don't worry I have only had two shakes, have had 3 liters of water and ok ok one pickled onion! ( dont ask me why - i just did lol )

However i started saying to OH that i wanted to pick out a nice little black dress for christmas in a small size ( american small - which is what i was before i put this three stone on and what i WILL be again ) . So we went looking at dresses online.

Big mistake. He kept picking out all low cut half see through little numbers that i wouldnt be able to wear a bra under. Now perhaps i should feel flattered that he sees me that way but instead i got all upset and tearful. Reminded him that i am almost 45 with tits that touch my knees and told him to go and find himself a pert 25 year old if thats what he wants.

So I then sat around in tears for an hour or so and still feel really touchy now.

The rest of my body is ok. My skin is still very elastic due to the fact that I have always had to use a lot of skin oils cause i have eczema - i have never had kids either so i guess that helps - but i hate my boobs. They were always a nice voluptious 36d but i made the mistake of going braless too much, my weight has yo-yo'd too much and now theyre just empty floppy skin bags that hang on my chest - pointing downwards!

I am making light of it but right now i feel whats the point of losing weight if im still going to hate myself and not feel any better about my looks or more confident after all the effort. Probably sounds a bit pathetic but i work with girls day in day out who are on average 27 and a size 8 and stunning and it really knocks your self confidence.

Well im going to go and look on the cosmetic curgery threads and see what i can find out on there and on the net about breast uplifts. I would ideally like to find a non surgical alternative but ill do what i have to do ........

 

[slushy]

How can I have gone from the super postive motivated and optimistic person i was two days ago to this blithering idiot i am today? I dont get pms as i have a mirena coil. Bugger it i think ill just go to bed.