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So here we go

Discussion in 'Slimming World - Weight Loss Diary' started by fat2go, 14 January 2014 Social URL.

  1. fat2go

    fat2go Full Member

    As you can see from my statistics, I've sadly let myself go...and way, way too far. I have had a pretty crappy last two years but within those two years I have completed a huge amount of soul-searching. Yes I've dieted before, I've tried most of them but my mind's never been in the correct place, not really. I've always tried before now because I've wanted to lose weight without realising that, for me at least, this was the totally wrong mind set.

    So how have all these hours of soul-searching helped? Well, I've realised from a very young age, and through all my years of childhood, I never felt I was cared about. I'm not saying I wasn't cared about, it's just that I never felt I was. I wasn't beaten or neglected, just never made to feel important or that I was cared for/loved. I feel the upshot of all that is that I have never cared about myself. It's true. I have gotten to 49 years old and can say, with hand on heart, that I've never really cared about myself, and therein lies the answer. As a side note, not caring about myself has always meant I never believed anyone cares about me either.

    So times are changing and not a day too soon....I climbed onto those scales last week and gasped when they read 22 stones 3 and a half pounds!! :eek: Heavier than I have ever been.

    I have had a good week...eaten plenty as you can do on SW and not really been hungry. Sunday was very tough, spending the whole day battling with that bloody devil that appears on my shoulder at times like this. He encourages me to fail, to destroy all the good I have done thus far...and worse still, tries to reiterate all these negative thoughts that I'm attempting to get to lay dormant. This 'devil' wants me to fail, wills me to fail, encourages me to fail and, at worst, begs me to fail. It's good that I now recognise this, Of course it's not the devil but it's almost as if this is some sort of demonic safety mechanism to keep me believing what I always have, that I shouldn't care about myself and that no one else does either. Well, as I said, times are changing.

    So what's this all about? I'm not on a diet I am telling myself, because it's true, I'm not. I'm simply taking care of myself and if taking care of myself means I'm going to lose weight then I'm going to revel in that, why should't I? Whereas before now I'd slink away from SW meetings or sit at the back and out of the way, I will now stay to every meet and accept every ounce of support that is on offer from the wonderful nature of the SW groups. And, moving forward, I want to be able to encourage and empower others to succeed, I want people to look at me one day and aim to achieve what I will achieve.

    Stepping on the scales tonight, I wasn't apprehensive, I was hoping to have lost some sort of weight...as it turns out it was a 17 1/2 lb loss...A record one-week loss for my SW group leader :) - have to say that that's a pretty good start!

    Even after a week I've notice some subtle changes...

    Easier to put my socks/shoes on.
    I have more energy
    Some clothes already fitting better
    Feet and legs a lot less swollen
    Severe acid reflux gone already

    One more thing...I'm going to get a picture taken of myself every week for a year and then post them up online somewhere, once my journey is complete of course. I look at the two I already have and it saddens me to see me in such poor physical shape. In a weird way, I will enjoy looking at these pictures one day.

    I intend to post here on a regular basis though, with my thoughts and musings and, whilst I'm at it, I take a pile of encouragement from all you others who are in a similar boat and making the necessary changes to their lives so, they too, can love the reflection they see when they look into a mirror.
    Last edited: 27 January 2014
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  3. Rae Rae

    Rae Rae Gold Member

    Good luck on your journey. You're already off to a fantastic start, 17.5 pounds is amazing :)
  4. LJ22

    LJ22 Silver Member

    Welcome to Minimins, fat2go. Your sincerity and honesty brought a tear to my eye. Your new found determination to finally begin to take care of yourself shines through your words and it is clear that you are ready to take control and conquer those demons. Keep posting here and you will receive all the support you need to succeed on the journey you have undertaken. I wish you all the very best and will follow your progress as you release the slim healthy person you really are.

  5. fat2go

    fat2go Full Member

    Hi, and thanks for the replies...

    I took a look at the two pictures I have and, unbelievably, I can already see a difference...It's a little bizarre that one can see a change after seven days! All good.

    Strange sorta day I suppose...work was annoying and drab- too many moaners on the phones and it just gets a little irritating sometimes. Being fed up, well coming home fed up after a pooh day, would ordinarily have me reaching for whatever rubbish I could find to eat. Does it make me feel better?...of course it does, I like eating crappy pointless food BUT it's what eating that crappy pointless food does to me - you don't want to see the pictures, trust me! Again I am probably pointing out the bloody obvious but I need to remain with the mind-set that I'm taking care of me and taking care of me means not shovelling crap down my throat just to make me feel better for half an hour.This is all about the long term and I simply must disassociate myself from using crap food as an emotional crutch- all this has been said by people better than me but there is not a way of putting it in any clearer terms.

    Just as a footnote to the above, I got home and have had a huge salad with two SW Scotch Eggs which I enjoyed enormously - I've run out of those ML Greek Yohurts unfortunately, so I'll treat my self to a finger of fudge at 5.5 syns!

    At the moment I'm enjoying reading many other people's diary's, it's very interesting to read about other people's journeys. I guess statistics tell us that if I'm reading ten diaries, then seven of those people writing them will eventually fail with their attempts to lose weight. It's quite upsetting to think that actually, I want statistics to be wrong, I want every single one of us on here to succeed...how good would it be if each and every one of us could get to 'that' place on the scales where we were truly happy with our weight. I live in hope :)

    The ironic thing being is that we can all do it, with the right amount of determination, will-power and, most importantly, belief! When, like me, you've been overweight for a vast majority of your adult life (I wasn't a fat child), you start believing you're not built to be thin or, worst still, you're destined to be overweight/obese for the rest of your life. If I've learnt anything about myself or, more so about being fat, is that this really is all about mind-set. It's an old cliche' but I'm going to say it anyway...'If I can do it, then anyone can'...and that's exactly what I'm so very determined to do. Surely we all deserve to be happy don't we?
  6. fat2go

    fat2go Full Member

    Here's a thought.

    Fifteen years ago when I did lose a lot of weight, the one thing I didn't do was adjust my mind set. I may have lost the weight but when I looked in the mirror I still saw the same big fatty I'd always seen. I never gave myself the chance to get used to being where I should be re weight/size and never really gave myself the chance to enjoy the success of it all.

    Different this time, what with those weekly pics I'm taking...It's so important to make sure you're mind is in tune with your body as it loses the weight.

    Right at this second I'm feeling so positive about all of this...it's at times like this I wish I could fast-forward six months lol...Can hardly wait to see where I'll be in six months time :)
  7. fat2go

    fat2go Full Member

    This EE with SW is unreal - eat so much if you need to.

    Really hungry tonight but 2 SW Scotch Eggs (yeah, again) a pile of mash (milk from HexA) and a tin of Heinz Spaghetti later and I'm crammed full - so yummy!

    Great day with no demons, just getting on with it...Lots of thoughts stirred up by reading lots of other posts though - more to follow at a later date on those.

    Already looking forward to next week's WI as it seems to be a really great group., with six or so other men there as well as 30+ ladies.

    Feeling as full as I do and makes me think there's no way I can eat like this and lose but what I'm eating is all fine. At the weekend I'm going to try making a fish-cake type of thing, just an idea I have :)

    Sigh- how great would it be if you could bottle the way you feel at any one given time. Right here, right now I feel so positive and strong and that I feel nothing can halt this progress. Sad as it is, that 'devil' is there somewhere, waiting to pounce - the bugger. Well, he's going to have to be a lot stronger even to get me to move my eyes from my goal, let alone stray off the path I am now on!
  8. littlemissnaughty

    littlemissnaughty Gold Member

    Wow your first weeks loss is amazing well done.
    good luck on your journey, I'm sure you will succeed.x
  9. fat2go

    fat2go Full Member

    OMG, I feel so fat...Not because I am (at the moment) but because I've just wolfed down Steak, Mushrooms, SW Chips and a side salad!! - All free of course and I didn't skimp on the steak :) Stuffed is the word to describe me right now...but hey, it was yummcious!!

    The positivity remains, feel absolutely fine with everything and no demons around. Work's been ok, which always helps I suppose.

    I'm sure if it's all right that I keep missing having my Hex A, nor eating all the syns I should....I get to a point in the night where I really don't think it's good if I eat, even if it's to use up syns or a Hex. I've just bought a big carton of Pure OJ...worked it out to be 4 syns for a biggish glass so I think that may be an answer.

    It's funny how one can get so impatient with wanting the changes to be here NOW and not having to wait three/six or twelve months. By nature I am an easy going and very patient person but...hmm, but I'm finding myself wishing the days away just so I can get to WI and because I've been caring about myself properly I just want to see the results. Target? Sheesh, seems a world away....The days and weeks do pass quick enough (in life)...must simply chill out, ha!

    Have enjoyed looking at the before and after pics on here. It's amazing to see people who have gone from brinks of despair and desperation to being a happy, confident and contented individual. It does surprise me that there are so few posts (in retrospect) on that subject though, am I missing something? Oh, unless it's the fact people don't want their picture (good, bad or indifferent) plastered all over the web? That said, I applaud each and every one of them and each and every person on here who is fighting the battle we all face.

    *Random thought...Wonder how many obese people there are in the country who are 70+
  10. LJ22

    LJ22 Silver Member

    You are doing so brilliantly! If only we had all found SW years ago eh? It seems to good to be true when you first find out what you can eat yet it really does work! Your positivity and optimism is contageous. Don't stop sharing it. LOL!

    I feel that same sense of wishing the next WI to be here so I can see how I am doing but as they say, life is not about the destination, it's about the journey. If we had been able to wave a magic wand and lose our excess weight in a flash we would not all be here finding interesting people to communicate with as we skip along on our weight loss journeys. I have given this some thought recently and am doing my best to not put my life on hold while I wait to be slim, I am trying to enjoy the journey and the feelings and thoughts that are changing as my body changes.

    Look forward to many more discussions!
  11. fat2go

    fat2go Full Member

    Me again

    Yes, life's certainly a journey - we don't always get it correct but this has to be a step closer to enjoying it that much more.

    I haven't really advertised the fact that I'm now caring about myself. All those friends/family on my FB don't know and I've not posted on there about how much I've lost. One or two PM's with one or two friends is all. Discussed it with just a few people at work too...Wonder why? Perhaps I have a touch of deja vu ? - You know, deep down and hidden in my subconscious is the expectation that I'll fail so I do not wish to advertise the fact I'm trying...maybe it's that. Or maybe it's just that I'm stronger now and it doesn't really matter what people think, as this is about me caring about me and wishing for a better quality of life for me...As I've said before now, never cared about myself before and it does take some getting used to :)
  12. littlemissnaughty

    littlemissnaughty Gold Member

    Ah hun you have to care about yourself because if you don't who will.....
    You are doing really well and you sound really confident so you show the doubters you can do it :)
    Stay on here and you will stay motivated, no one will judge you and you will get picked up when you're feeling down. There are some amazingly supportive people on here and they will see you through.
    When's your next weigh in?x
  13. beslim2014

    beslim2014 Full Member

    17.5 lbs is fantastic, well done!!! You are right in what you say in that its not a diet. For me if I say diet then that flags up to me that foods are restricted right away and one day I will be "off" the diet and be able to eat whatever I like, its not the case this has to be a lifestyle change. Good luck :)
  14. fat2go

    fat2go Full Member

    Morning...and thanks for your replies

    Tuesday Night is my weigh in but every now and again it will have to be a Monday morning because of work.

    There is one thing that is beginning to get on my nerves, lol - and that's the amount of times I have to go P. I'm still up 3 or 4 times a night and then continue that theme through the day, wish it would hurry up and settle down! :)

    I can see from many many posts on here just how supportive people are, it's a really good thing and must help to keep so many people so motivated. If I can help to influence one person to get on, or stay on track then it will give me enormous satisfaction. I guess if you're feeling particularly low at any point, then you can come on here - perhaps read some of your own posts when you were at you most positive and/or reach out for the helps of others to get you back focussed.

    Sigh, it's a pity the weather's so yuk out there. It's not that I intend to do too much with my weekend off, I just it prefer to be a pleasant day so I can, at the very least, wander up to my shed and tinker.

    I've been up since 7:30 and only just had my brunch (still a little early)..I like to do this at weekends...Just two meals, Brunch and dinner and then a treat somewhere in between. I've had x2 toast (hexB), bacon, mushrooms, eggs and beans. Oh and a large glass of OJ for 4 syns. That will do me now until I have dinner later..I'll cook myself Sweet and Sour chicken..I've, just recently, perfected art of gorgeous fluffy rice (only taken 20 odd years lol) and what with the recipe for syn free S & S sauce (which is so good), I'm looking forward to my dinner already! Snacks today will probably be apple with cheese (hexA) and a Curly Wurly.

    I think Sunday's are quite a good day for the next few days after it. Sunday night I can start thinking about Monday night, when I get my picture taken and then Tuesday night when I go and get weighed. Mind you, just eating so much (all free) makes me feel like I'll be putting half of what I've lost, back on, haha :D. But, to be honest and the point of what I mean is that it's great to be excited about all this. I'm taking care of myself (all good) and I'm excited about seeing the results.

    It's weird feeling the way I feel because I know that that 'demon' is lurking and it's going to come along and drain me of all this positivity. Ok, some could argue that I shouldn't will it to make its next appearance but I would only be kidding myself, it's been with me for 35 years, it isn't going away that easily. What I hope to achieve is for its appearances become less and less frequent. It's been with me once over the last 12 days but I fought him off, kept my mind strong and woke up the next day with all my positivity having returned. I think it helps that I'm not someone who stresses. I recently watched a programme where doctors and scientists both agree that eating food loaded with sugar and fat (chocolate etc) reduces stress levels. The thing being, exercise does the same job but what's easier to do when stressed, reach for a chocolate bar or going for a 3 mile walk?

    This mind set of mine will not change...I'm taking care of myself now and taking care of myself means not shovelling all manner of food and drink into my body. If one stays determined to care about oneself then I won't want to eat all the crap available, one wont let that demon overpower me...and one will, one day, look in the mirror, stand up straight and love the person who is being reflected back.
  15. littlemissnaughty

    littlemissnaughty Gold Member

    You are doing really well.
    I always try to do brunch and dinner at the weekend as well.
    As for going to the toilet all the time, I am the same. Although I try not to eat or drink too much after dinner so that helps me not have to keep getting up in the night.
  16. Chicaloca

    Chicaloca Silver Member


    Just popping in to say I'm enjoying your diary and look forward to seeing your future success! 17.5lbs :happy096:
  17. Zafira

    Zafira Gold Member

    Hi, 17.5 lbs in your 1st week! :wow:Well done! Amazing!
    sounds like your doing well and in the right frame of mind, that's good and always helps :)
    Keep up the good work!
  18. fat2go

    fat2go Full Member

    Hey :)

    Strange day - learned that the Mug Shots I like best are free and not 1 syn as I thought. Learnt that the Muller Light Greek yogs are also free, which I thought were also 1 syn, so another little 'saving' there too :) I made myself a huge Shepherd's Pie today as well - ignoring the roast Pork dinner which was on 'offer' - now this said SP was made with HexA with the mash, Extra Lean mince, fresh carrots, frozen peas and Schwartz mix (5.5 syns). Now this bad boy was absolutely delicious, so yummy. I added 2 syns as I had some gravy with an Oxo cube added but there's enough there for 3 meals. Hmmm, I say three but that's now two because I had a huge portion for 5 syns and there's another large portion left, which will be tomorrow's dinner.

    I continue to P for England. It's such a shame this isn't a sporting event as a Gold medal would be coming my way if it were :D But seriously, when does this calm down a bit, it's getting silly now lol. I haven't even drunk that much today...Possibly a T M I moment so I'll shut up and move on.

    At least the weekend's now gone. That's good in one sense as it's the days off work which are the toughest but a shame in another sense because who likes going to work rather than being at home? I'm on a 9 - 5:30 shift next week so it'll be toast/flora/marmite for breakfast, Mug shot for lunch with a pack of Quavers or similar and then I'll make myself a dinner once I'm home. Rest of SP tomorrow, cold pork salad Tuesday, Quorn chicken with chips and beans on Wednesday, something with pasta Thursday and I'm going to attempt to make fish cakes on Friday - my own recipe that I don't even know what the ingredients are going to be yet, well except fish of course lol. The fish cakes will be served with SW chips and mushy peas.

    Get my picture taken tomorrow night, so that will be three down with 49 to go. Although I'm going to have 52 of these pics once I'm at target (or hopefully at target), I'm just going to post 12 of them here...One for each month for anyone who has trouble with maths :) lol. I do remove my top for these pics (as disgusted as I am with seeing myself in a picture, let alone without a top) as I think one will be able to see the change so much better. I might (and it's only a might) put two pics up when I'm half way and have lost 59 pounds.

    Talking of future weight loses...I'm not sure how I'll feel when I get down to 18 stone 8 lbs. Considering I went on my first diet (for a number of years) when I hit 18 stone 8 lbs, which was about 12 years ago. I wanted to lose weight then because I was disgusted with myself for reaching that weight...and here I am 12 years on and weighing nearly 5 stone more than that!! Still, none of it matters really - I'm taking care of myself now and I hope to feel nothing but pride when I do get back to 18 stone 8.

    My swollen feet/legs continue to improve, which is nice. I think once I'm down another couple of stone they will have returned to normal. Be nice getting back into a couple of nice pairs of shoes which I have.

    No return of the horrid...horrid, horrid, horrid, acid reflux I've suffered from. I was taking large gulps of Gaviscon liquid three, four, five and even six times a day just to keep on top of it. Sadly, the other way to get rid of it was to constantly eat -which I happily did a lot of the time.

    Tasted a small (proper) crisp today. Walkers Ready Salted (an old fave of mine)..couldn't eat it because it just tasted of fat. How strange that that happens in two short weeks.

    There have been little bouts of having that much more energy, which I can only assume will appear more often the longer I take care of myself.

    I think it's REALLY important to make strong mental notes (if not write it down too) of how one feels deep down at any given time. I'm making sure I'm not going to forget how disgusted it felt at my very heaviest - all the bad stuff and some of the bad stuff we don't even talk about here on the forum. Keeping all of those things in my mind reminds me of how it felt when I wasn't taking care of myself. There has been many more than one occasion where I have felt total humiliation because of my size - and that's not because anyone has said anything about my weight.

    Life is for living and not for existing...We each deserve a life and we each deserve to make he best of what we have. Every single person on this forum has at least one person who cares about them deeply. As I said to myself so many times before, how about caring about yourself too. If nothing else, you deserve to allow yourself that.
    Last edited: 19 January 2014
  19. JoanneB20

    JoanneB20 Full Member

    This is soo inspiring. Just read all your posts. Well done on your loss xx

    Sent from my GT-I9300 using MiniMins.com mobile app
  20. BugFace

    BugFace Full Member

    Ahhh honey, you're just me with stronger fingers! Everything you're typing could so have come from me.
    You're doing fabulously. That 'self humiliation'? Been there 100 times over and you then end up needing that verification that it's not as bad as you think so you draw attention to your weight, hoping someone will say "hey no, it's not as bad as you think!" but then when they do that, you feel worse like they don't really mean it. Catch 22.

    Have a great day my lovely x
  21. LJ22

    LJ22 Silver Member

    Fat2Go, home cooked meals that you make yourself do have a taste of satisfaction I find! Maybe next time double the recipe so you would have at least two more dinners for the freezer? So good for when you are late home or too tired to put effort into your meal.

    I read somewhere that shrinking fat cells also release water, so maybe you are in for another big loss this week!

    You speak with such positivity that it is infectious. Keep reminding us all about taking care of ourselves and remember to do it for yourself too. As always your words ring true for many of us. Here's hoping you stay on Minimins for the duration!

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