Sorry for not being around.

Discussion in 'Strugglers and Restarters' started by flirty40greeneyes, 18 June 2007 Social URL.

  1. flirty40greeneyes

    flirty40greeneyes Busy busy busy!!

    Hi everyone - want to aplogise for not posting for awhile. I have been lurking and reading - but feel so disappointed and ashamed of myself that I haven't felt able to post or comment on any threads.

    Basically after the euphoria of getting engaged, getting the ring, getting back on SS and losing 8lb - I've lost it again.

    As usual with me, there are deep psychological reasons for my comfort eating, namely my parents (especially my mothers) not giving me approval for anything I do in my life. I am nearly 45, have 3 children, a part-time business as a CDC, a fiance, lots of friends ..... but I still feel I have failed when they say something cutting or send me on a guilt trip. I worry i will never learn to get over this ... and where will I be in 5/10/20/30 years time????

    Over the years I have looked at myself and tried to remodel the parts of my character I didn't like. 8/9 years ago i use to have a fiery temper and lose control of it on a regular basis - screaming and shouting ..... I looked at myself, realised I didn't like being like that. Gradually I stopped it - because not only was it harmful to the people around me but also to myself. Now i am told - by those who know me best and are closest to me that I am very calm and reasonable. I am happier with the way I am ... and occasionally I'll lose my temper now - and always feel bad afterwards. Equally (as many of you on here know) I use to tie myself in knots re my soon to be step-daughter. I took notice of advice given, stood back and now I am fine when ever she comes to visit.

    The only areas of my life I can not seem to reign in and control are:
    1. my feelings of inadequacy and not living up to the expectations of my parents - my mum in particular. I have never been able to do anything right and have always sought her approval.
    2. my overeating, which is now getting out of control. to the point I am so miserable and don't know how to regain some self respect as I hate myself, my gluttony, my expanding figure etc etc etc.
    3. We are meant to be coming over to Dublin in 2 weeks time, and initially I had set that as the date wehn I wanted to be at target. Then that was revised to have lost 2 stone by then ... reduced to 1 stone when i was obviously not going to get the 2 .... and now i can only hope for about 8lb by then. I feel such a failure - that i have let myself down. Also I can not go near my diary as i keep making these promises of getting back on track - followed by excuses ... more promises etc etc etc
    I am feeling so upset and down and so sorry for not being around and supporting people on this fantastic site.
     
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  3. kazz

    kazz Well-Known Member

    Hey Bev

    Sorry your feelin so crappy

    Bizarrely enough, I have kinda sorta managed to get thru day 1 of SS....I know that if I can you can!!

    8lb off for Dublin is better than 8lb on! Please dont hide from us, expecially when u need support....
     
  4. Gen

    Gen Normal

    Darling my battery is about to go on the laptop... but just wanted to pop on and say that you are an amazing woman... I will post properly tomorrow!!!!

    Get ur ass onto Fallen Angels thread... very very supportive over there... gave me the kick up the bum I needed

    big hugs darling xxxxxxxxx
     
  5. dizzy-n-mizzy

    dizzy-n-mizzy Not dieting ATM!

    You are so not alone Bev. How many of us feel like this? Me for one!:wavey: Only I couldn't put it into words as eloquently as you have.

    Hope you plan to post again soon as we have missed you I was only looking out for you over the weekend as it seems so long.:)

    Dizzy x
     
    Last edited: 18 June 2007
  6. sonkie

    sonkie Well-Known Member

    Beverley I was just the same last week.....I couldnt post as much as usual as I felt I would make everyone else feel like c**p too. When I was posting I would be typing with tears streaming down my face.
    My turning point was a night in with Karen and a drink.....we had such a laugh, let our hair down and kept my neighbours up until the early hours.
    I am feeling much more positive, even though the scales have gone back up again, so now im no longer a teen...lol.
     
  7. Isobel1965

    Isobel1965 Well-Known Member

    Hey lady - you know that I could have written your post, darling!

    Every time my mum comes over to visit, my 'diet' goes into meltdown and I binge for England - despite all my good intentions. Thank the lord, she lives so far away!!! lol

    For me, my weight control is like a short phase of being ok and in control, interspersed with very long phases of being out of control and eating ALL day EVERY day. I'm very good at putting on weight - I've learned it's a particular talent of mine!

    So what if you're in an eating phase? We're still going to get the bubbly out in Dubbers for you - it's celebration time, innit? So you get your glad rags packed and get ready to party, girlfriend!!!!

    lots of love

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  8. morphing

    morphing Loving it!

    Hi Bev,

    I was really moved reading your 'apology' for not being around. Like others have said before me, you are not alone and many of us have been through similar experiences. I think that it is so easy to be mean to ourselves and look backwards rather than forwards and we are often our worst critic.

    You are not a failure, by no means. It takes great strength of you to pick yourself up and admit your mistakes and get back to it. I've seen your 'reputation score' and that indicates to me that you have given so much support to others on this site that it's about time that you allowed yourself a bit of a break. If you read your own post, think what advice you would give that person?

    I would say that if you cannot go near your old diary, delete it and turn a new page - start a new chapter and a new journey and try not to look back. Go back to basics and be proud of each of your mini achievements and allow yourself to pat yourself on your back. I'll be quite happy to pat you as well.

    The issues that you have, are part of you and help to make you what you are. I think it's all about accepting that you are worthy and trying to block out the negative criticisms of your mother and learning to love yourself and really believe that you are worthy of being happy, slim, fit and successful. I know it's easier said that done, cos I haven't achieved it yet and similar to you, I berate myself for everything. However, at least you know why you at times feel inadequate and I guess we need to find a way of loving ourselves like the people that know us do. My huibby breaks his heart cos I don't love myself (yet), but I'm working on it!!!

    Chat soon and good luck with your challenges xxx
     
    flirty40greeneyes likes this.
  9. flirty40greeneyes

    flirty40greeneyes Busy busy busy!!

    Thank you for all the replies from everyone.

    I am feeling much more positive - had a chinese and stuffed my face yesterday and started with lots of water before bed last night. Today i've had my banana shake, and nearly 3pints of water already so far.

    May take your advise Morphing and start a new (improved??!) diary thread .... or reread the old one and see if i can learn something from it??!

    Anyway - I'm back and loving it!
     
  10. flirty40greeneyes

    flirty40greeneyes Busy busy busy!!

    Also forgot to add - joined Fallen Angels - so looking forward to my first star!
     
  11. morphing

    morphing Loving it!

    Thats lovely to hear, you are on a mission, good on you!!
     
  12. Gen

    Gen Normal

    Hey hun.. great to see you back and feeling positive!!!

    I think starting a new diary is a good idea... I felt my old one brought me down... even tho I never really looked back at it :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

    Brill about the fallen angels.... the stars are greeeeeeeeeeeeeat!!!

    Thanks for the birthday wishes

    lots of love

    Gen xxxx
     
  13. MandyB2

    MandyB2 Moderator/CD Counsellor

    So pleased to see things are moving forward again hun...:) Hope you're having a good day today:)

    love xxxxx:)
     

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