Spanglymum's s & s diary...

[Spanglymum]

'head in the shed' is a great phrase!! Love it!

And it's very true. Haven't unpicked what it is that's triggering me... Other than being over my goal weight and so thinking 'sod it', which is completely illogical, but I think my biggest problem.

Trueleame, you're right about setting achievable goals... I do tend to give myself unrealistic targets and then beat myself up endlessly when I 'fail' to achieve them...

 

[Trueleame]

It so easy to set a HUGE goal, but try mini goals really simple
1) stay 100% for a day
2) swim once a week
3) lose 7lbs
Little mini goals and they will soon mount up, that's how I got back on track x x x

 

[Spanglymum]

Well - hanging in there. Feeling a bit less bloated already... Got a big delivery of packs yesterday, which helps as I was running out of choices and having the same thing all the time wasn't helping with the temptation to lapse.

Had some ongoing health stuff in the background which is distracting me too. You might remember if you followed all my thread way back when that I've had mystery joint pains for years now and am being tested for everything under the sun. I saw a different rheumatologist last week, and amazingly, the sun was shining on me (literally) as I sat in the consulting room, highlighting the malar rash on my face (which my GP years ago dismissed as rosacea). She has discharged me from rheumatology and recommended a referral to the Lupus clinic. I am SO RELIEVED.

This has been going on for about nine years now. I've had the rash and fatigue. Then it got significantly better through all four of my pregnancies (but I had two unexplained miscarriages). Then after my two daughters were born, each time the symptoms flared, with all-over joint pain and exhaustion being the two most noticeable (apart from the rash).

Anyway - the consultant couldn't believe no one (apart from me, I might add!) had suggested Lupus previously - as the miscarriages in combination with the other symptoms are a red flag apparently. She also thinks I may be borderline hypothyroid - although was bemused by my blood results as they are "normal". I'm going to mention to the Lupus clinic though that when I was TTC I used the basal temp method to track ovulation and my temps were always low: between 35.2 and 36.4, which used to be considered diagnostic for low thyroid.

So - big stuff really. I felt such a sense of relief. I feel like I've been battling my symptoms for so many years and carrying on regardless, and haven't wanted to make a big deal of it because I know it doesn't in any way compare to my husband's MS. But it's been tough and it's brilliant to think I might finally be one step closer to a diagnosis and possible treatment (they can't cure it but might be able to relieve some of my symptoms).

Sorry - that turned into a screed! I guess what I'm trying to say is it's no wonder if my head is a bit in the shed at the moment!

 

[Clarabow]

Brilliant news on that. Good luck with future treatment x

 

[Spanglymum]

Am managing ok today, but still a bit wibbly. Have had my two packs so far, some mushrooms and some green salad leaves. Go me! baby steps. Just want it to be this time next week, with some success under my belt!

 

[Clarabow]

You can do it, you are a capable strong woman and are prepared to do what it takes x

 

[Spanglymum]

Ugh. Just feel so LOW. Every morning, back to 'what can I wear?' I swore I'd never do this. I feel such a failure. None of my trousers fit. Well, that depends on your definition of 'fit' of course. I can squeeze into them and do the button up but I wouldn't want to risk sitting down! Makes me so angry with myself and so sad.

I can't believe I did so well and then blew it at Christmas. I'm such an idiot. I've got clothes I can wear, but they don't hang right and I'm conscious of my muffin top. Yuck yuck yuck.

Just feel so bloated and rubbish. Like it was all a waste of time.

 

[Trueleame]

I think it did me good messing up...which will sound funny but its made me more determind not to go back to that stage or feel like that again.

This time I'm keeping on track firmly because I've got a set goal and set time frame. I can understand where ur coming from it's horrible feeling like that isn't it. Don't beat urself up honey do something positive about it instead then enjoy the rewards x x x

 

[Clarabow]

It's the learning to keep the weight off that is the next step. You will sort that eventually.

Have you had a read of the dukan stuff on maintinence and the couple of months just after you loose weight being the key time to watch as it is then that bodies are vulnerable to regain weight. Worth a read only for that.

Scuse the pun ,,, food for thought x

 

[Clarabow]

How you feeling today ? what are you going to do to move you towards your goal and make you feel less pants ?

 

[Spanglymum]

Thanks for asking about me. I've had a very emotional start to the day. I didn't get much sleep last night, which doesn't help. And then I've been thinking about some work issues which have really started to bother me. I ended up in tears a couple of times this morning . Haven't lapsed, and have sent an email to my boss outlining some key points for discussion, which made me feel more professional and in control of the situation, but it's not nice.

So... Managing with the programme although I've got serious period pain (TMI!) and am feeling really low. The test will be later when we're going to a local Market. One that I know sells the most a ma zing soda bread (soda bread and oatcakes are my weakness... And nuts)

Hope to be feeling a bit more on top of things soon. On the bright side I've had lovely chats this morning with some of the other parents at my daughter's ballet class, which is good!

What am I doing to move towards my goals? Being kind to myself today.

 

[Clarabow]

Well glad to hear that at least you are going to be a little kind to yourself. Your inner voice has been a bit of a nightmare recently and quite frankly it needs to be put in a box and kicked off a cliff.

I had a day from hell in work on Friday, it lurched from one thing to another. I moved to the new job I was on about in November, and fair play it is far less stressful than the other one and in general I love it. However, now that I have found my feet a bit I can see some major major issues in the functioning of the team which will need to be addressed. This will be a handful to manage as I am perceived as the new girl with less experience than them. Partly true, but that is no excuse for the shoddy work and sheer laziness I am seeing !

Happy days, needs thinking on how I will manage them. But the good news I did not resort to food to manage a bad day, small steps forward.

Hope you have a better day today xx

 

[Clarabow]

And how is this week panning out?

Mine is going much better, hope yours does likewise.

 

[Spanglymum]

I'm struggling still. Feel really low. Whatever this condition is that I have - lupus or whatever - it's flaring at the moment. Probably stress-related as I'm under a lot of pressure at work.

Sore joints. Fatigue. Just bone-achingly exhausted really.

Thinking of stopping packs for a week or so as the weight isn't shifting anyway and I'm worried about my general well being (or rather lack of it!)

I think I've just taken on too much. The job. The four-hours of commuting a day. I don't get enough time with my girls. I'm always irritable with my husband at the moment. Got home last night at 8:30pm as I had a report to finish for today.

Something has to give!

Proud of myself for not weakening, alcohol-wise!

Need to pull myself together and stop whingeing!

On a brighter note, I've booked tomorrow off work. It's my birthday! Two years ago I turned 40, and was the biggest I've ever been - 224lb). Here I am, having been a size 12 for over a year now. I think that is probably something to celebrate (despite the last few pesky pounds!!!)

 

[Spanglymum]

Am turning a corner... Think I will get back on track eventually!

 

[Spanglymum]

Woken up this morning feeling more positive for the first time in ages. I know the alternative - cheating with carbs - makes me feel rubbish, but it's amazing how strong the pull of that momentary gratification can be when I'm feeling down.

So when I say they 'make me feel rubbish', what specifically do I mean? (useful to know to prevent a next time!)

Bloating, sore joints, headache, feeling of failure, puffy face, low energy, aching muscles, feeling that I'm never going to get back on track

Am wondering, in amongst the autoimmune stuff I've been referred to a lupus specialist for, whether I'm also coeliac? It would explain a lot! I'm going to ask to be tested - either my GP or when I see the lupus consultant.

I feel I must come across as such a hypochondriac! But to put it in perspective, I've had one day off sick in the past two years. So I do keep going!

On which note, I'm retreading Eric Berne's 'games people play' and 'harried' sounds very familiar! (see, I can laugh at myself again. Hurrah!)