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Struggling at target - help...

Hi all

I reached my initial target, 11 stone, a couple of weeks back, and since then I've kind of lost the plot a bit!

I'm still (technically) on 790 but I'm finding it really difficult to stay on it. I have a good day, followed by an ok day, followed (more and more, recently) a late night where I'm just losing control and eating bread, dried fruit and even last night, a bag of chocolate fruit, which I've now looked up and found has taken up all my day's calories and shot me right out of ketosis. Yet again. So I guess I can't eat anything at all for the rest of the day. I'm ashamed to admit that recently after these incidents I've been making myself throw up, too. NOT good. After all this hard work and 9 and a half stone lost I'm appauled at the way I'm losing control.

There's a lot of work stress around at the moment, and I'm still struggling a bit to get my head around being slimmer and people's reactions to it - I am pleased of course but it also scares me, makes me feel hugely pressured somehow, and I'm really scared that my old self-sabotage mechanisms are kicking back in.

I haven't seen my CDC in 2 weeks and feel very ashamed to go back tomorrow and fess up and show her I've only lost 1lb, if that... she's always lovely but I feel I've let her and myself down.

I was doing so well!!!

Do I need to be moving up the plans now? (scared of that,t oo, of 'legitimate' carbs!) I'm 5'6, 10 stone 11. BMI 24.4 so maybe 790 isn't enough anymore, but having shown myself just how weak willed I am STILL, really scared that adding more food and variety at the moment will just make things worse, but I can't seem to do this anymore...!

Hey -ullllllp! Any words of wisdom, someone, please?
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is Special :P
I understand how your feeling. Before starting this diet two weeks ago i was throwing up several times a day and not even realising it. I know its wierd how can you not realise but i block it out. Obviously im seeing someone about it now. And im not allowed to on CD. Ive been banned lol which is a good thing.
Dont make yourself sick hun..... itll make it worse in the long run. If you are make sure you rinse your mouth with water after, dont brush your teeth. I know its seems as if im promoting this, Im Not. But look after your teeth lol. I wish someone had told me this when i was struggling. I am terrified of reaching goal when i have to eat solid food again.
Dont be ashamed of yourself!!!!!!!!! Think of if you had never started and were 9 stone heavier but not doing anything about it. You have done fantastically well and i hope that i can achieve some of what you have.
Good luck with your councillor, im sure she'll help you. If you feel hungry, have a glass of water and wait 5 minutes... you'll probably get distracted and not go back to the fridge.
Taz x
Thanks Taz. Congratulations on your weight loss these two weeks ...look at it coming off! Congratulations too on getting a hold on the other issue, too. Seeing you write that has pulled me up short and made me think hard about what has begun to happen lately. It has only been 3 times but I'm not going to do it again - and didn't after my slip last night. If I go off the rails I'm going to have to take the consequences on the scales like everyone else, and that's the end of it. Thank you for being so honest and I wish you the very best on your own journey. We will get there, and learn so much along the way. xx
Hi Bagpuss

So pleased to hear you have made a committment to stop making yourself sick. To be honest your initial post really frightened me and my honest opinion is that its better to be overweight that do go down any route that could develop into a long term eating disorder. Try to look at it as a new learning experience with food and sometimes you will get it wrong but that's not the end of the world. You are trying to re learn a life time worth of habits as long as you keep trying you will get there. You might be right that 790 is just too low for you and hunger is driving you to binge eat so may be try going up the plans.

With love
Hi Bagpuss

First ((hugs)) sounds like you're feeling confused and rotten, but you don't have to.

Are you trying to eat "normal" portions? If your tummy has shrunk, you might be overloading it and making yourself feel bloated hence sick. If it's a fingers down the throat thing though, that's different of course...
As tazzi kindof says, the acid from your stomach will only lead to rotten teeth, stomach ulcers, throat cancer and a totally screwed up relationship with food, so go get help from your gp if necessary. Throwing up after eating is the least helpful way to deal with this problem so asking for help now was 300% the right thing to do. The only thing is, asking for help here on a forum is very limited in the amount of help you can get cos we can't actually intervene in a helpful way.

((hugs again)) Talk to your CDC - shouldn't you be moving up the plans? Don't force things either physically or mentally and be kind to yourself. You should be very, very proud of your achievement right now, rather than punishing yourself. :hug99:
Georgie and Dubs, thanks so much for your helpful and supportive replies. I'm definately going to talk to my CDC and I've also talked about this to my partner today, and I feel much more in control, and able to put what's been going on in perspective.

When I look at it logically, I spent 33 years wrestling with issues about food, eating, body image and low self esteem. Those problems aren't going to vanish overnight or give up without a struggle and I suspect that here, almost at the end of the journey, my old ways of thinking have been making a last-ditch attempt to drag me back into my old 'comfort zone' .

I do fear success at some level, and it's almost as if some part of my mind decided 'okay, you succeeded, so let's create another problem'. I've been downplaying (to myself) the couple of making myself sick incidents until today, when something clicked in my mind and I knew it was time to wake up before it turned into something I couldn't stop doing easily. It was a bit of a shock to see people on here react so strongly to that information but you've been right to, and at some level I was probably looking for that reaction, anyway, to wake me up.

Next time I post I'm confident I'll be back on track and a few steps closer to the new way of thinking we're all working for!

Thanks again and good luck with your weeks and losses

Bagpuss xx
Good for you Bagpuss, this is a long and difficult journey and we all need to find our way through it. It won't always be a smooth ride but you will get there, I'm sure of it.

Best wishes


Wants to be a loser!
Hi Bagpuss,

Sorry to hear you are struggling :(.

I am not sure that I have any advice but just wanted to say that in terms of your thoughts and fears about finishing SS and moving up the plans you are not alone!

I a fast approaching goal now and have been working up the plans since the begining of the month and am on 790 at the moment. I will most likely be moving up to 1000cal in the next week or two when I reach bmi 25 (my cdc has advised that I need to be on at least 1000cal plan once I have a bmi of 25) and I am really nervous about it. So far I have managed to avoid deviating from the food as specified on the plans but there is so much more variety on 1000 cal I am worried that my old cravings will kick in and force me off the wagon.

I think that being conscious of our concern about ading in variety and carbs moving up the plans is a good thing though - if we are worried that our old cravings may start up again and lead us astray once carbs and more variety is introduced maybe this will help to prepare us for this so we can resist later on?

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