stupidity versus reason..

When I was a teen, I met a wonderful gentleman of a guy. Within a year we were engaged and within two years we were living together with a baby. It all went to pot from there.
In the end, I had nobody. I was cut off from my friends - he would give me the silent treatment for days if I wanted to go anywhere with my friends. I was cut off from my family - the treatment got so bad that my brother actually started a fight with him on a New Years' Eve, while I was heavily pregnant with my second child. After that, I couldn't have my family around.
If I dressed up or wore make up, he demanded to know who I was cheating on him with. If I took more than ten minutes at the shop, he demanded to know why and who I was with.
When I was 9 months pregnant I refused to mind his two nephews and his niece, since I had never met them before and they were...unruly to say the least. He knelt on my stomach and tried to strangle me, before passing out drunk on the sofa. I spent the night locked in the bathroom, terrified.
Oh, so many times he lifted his hands to me, and so many times he twisted my mind and made me think awful things. If someone spends so long telling you that you're not worth sh*t, eventually you come to believe it.
It took me 6 years to get out of that relationship. Nowadays he doesn't even bother to see the kids. He got married, and that relationship split up too, leaving two more kids that he doesn't see.

You have to reach rock bottom before you find the will to drag yourself up and out of it. As much as that place is awful, Linda, I hope you find yourself there soon, because I don't think you can take much more.
 
Where do you live sweetie? I have a full tank of petrol and the itch to kick some nuts!
 
Agree with everything already said.
You are never going to be able to move on with your life and out of depression until you ditch the dead weight that is your pathetic appalling specimin of a bf.
Easier said than done I know, but you have the strength inside of you somewhere Linda, we're all rooting for you, you can do it.
 
right ladies pitchforks at the ready, we're gonna get us a big bad bully =P

jokes aside, they are right, he seems like a complete nob who you are better off without. You are a nice lady who seems really downhearted at the moment and that really makes me quite sad to see. You are special in your own way, just like everyone else here. Hope you can find some way to see that and sort things out xxxx
 
Linda, sweetheart, I can't add any more than the others already have but you have to get the poisonous little toad out of your life, for your own sake.

If you ever need to talk, just send me a message. I'm gradually and slowly hauling myself up from the depths after a horrid and unsettling few weeks, and couldn't have done it without the people on here. We're here for you hon.
 
Ladies. I have a car - neither Shirleen or kittnkat are that far away from me. Hannata - where are you? I'll pick you up on the way. I'm serving a notice period in my job so no one will miss me. I feel a road trip is in order.

Linda - in all seriousness - please take whomever is nearest you up on the offer of support.
 
Woah there Vixens With Pitchforks! (tm)

While I quite agree with your sentiments that this guy is a sleazebag, it is patently clear from Lindas posts that shes not ready yet to start making massive major upheavals. She is (and I am not a doctor) showing signs of being very depressed, has very low self-esteem and is struggling with day to day existence. For her to get herself to a place where she can make major changes will take one of two things. Either, she will get pushed to the point of having to push back harder because she simply cant take any more of feeling like this OR she will (as she already is doing, I think) begin to realise that actually, she doesnt have to feel this way, or be treated this way, and will begin to take small steps towards changing her perspective.

Linda, I think, personally, that you could do with a visit to your GP as the first port of call, if you are feeling up to it. If you dont feel like you can talk about how you are feeling, then write it all down and take it with you, and just hand them the paper you wrote it on. You can continue to feel miserable, and let life pass you by in an unhappy state, or you can, as I think you are doing, recognise that actually, you have choices and alternatives, and that they will always remain open to you, however long it takes you to get to the point where you are ready to acknowledge them, accept them, and maybe even consider taking a few of them. They will still be choices open to you.

We can support you, and we WILL support you, should you want us to. You are NOT alone in this situation. Many of us have felt like you do from time to time. What you need to find, within yourself, is that glimmer of recognition that actually, what you are feeling is not RIGHT, and isnt how you SHOULD be feeling at 40. Once you acknowledge that, the first step to fixing it is to get some proper help. You probably dont feel strong enough to do this alone. Good news. You dont have to. But you do have to find it within yourself to take the steps you need to take to get you into a better place, because the better place is waiting for you.

I dont blame you for being afraid of making changes. It is one of the hardest things in the world to even contemplate when you are down. Being miserable is not good, but it is "safe" and means you dont have to face up to anything, because the depression likes to keep you in that place of miserableness, it feeds itself that way.

By coming on here, and posting, and being quite clear in your posts that you are really NOT happy to remain this way, you are taking those first steps. Good for you! Dont be overwhelmed by the challenges you have in store, break them down into small mini targets, they will seem much easier to overcome.

Remember, one persons plain is another persons princess and your OH has NO right to speak to you in that manner. When he does speak to you like that, try not to let it get to you. The reason I say this, is because he WANTS to get to you, and by letting him affect how you feel this way, he is getting what he wants, which is his own selfish insecurities being made temporarily better by making you feel worse. You have to put a stop to that chain of destruction, and the best way you can do this is to simply TAKE NO NOTICE. This is not about you, about how you look, or about how you are within the relationship. This is about HIM, being cruel, and trying to hurt the one person he SHOULD be trying to protect and care for. This is not a healthy relationship, but until you find yourself in a stronger place and better able to understand that you do deserve better, you MUST try and minimise the damage he causes you, by simply IGNORING any of these barbs he aims at you. When he does say something, dont even give him the satisfaction of any sort of response. Just think to yourself "I do not deserve this. I know better than to believe what you say." It will be hard at first to argue with yourself, but one day, you will wake up beginning to believe you might actually be right.

Keep talking to us, we will do what we can, although we can only do so much. Some of this you will HAVE to do for yourself, but with time, and taking care of your own needs, you will find those things much easier to tackle.

Hugs. xx
 
Just read through this thread and don't have much more to add except to say that you are valuable, you are beautiful and you need to be treated better than this. You deserve to be treated so much better.
 
Thanks for posting that link Shirleen - I'm quite scared by the number of those I could tick off about my ex, and yet I wouldn't have considered myself to have been in an abusive relationship at the time. It is only now that I'm realising how lucky an escape I have had (between that link and some of the things I have since been told by his own friends).
 
Hi Linda,

Hope all these posts don't come across too bad but each and every one of us has a point...the most important one is we are all there for you!

The next time your bf says something on those lines I'd be tempted to ask him why he is with you if he feels like that?...and what does it say about him if he thinks you are this and that?

As somebody's already said it's better to be miserable and alone than miserable and having someone making you feel worse. I'm sure you've heard it all by now.

Good luck hun...let us know how your SW plan is getting on. :)
 
Lots of your posts sound like this. Sorry if it sounds harsh but i dont get why???? Either dump him and live on or stay with him and get people to pity you. I know which I'd choose!

Like i say i dont wanna sound harsh but this is a weight loss forum and you aren't going to succeed while with him so do the right thing and move on.
 
aesir22 said:
Lots of your posts sound like this. Sorry if it sounds harsh but i dont get why???? Either dump him and live on or stay with him and get people to pity you. I know which I'd choose!

Like i say i dont wanna sound harsh but this is a weight loss forum and you aren't going to succeed while with him so do the right thing and move on.
Click to expand...

It may be a weight loss forum, but that doesn't mean people can't talk about other things. Clearly this person suffers from depression. If there is the slightest chance that coming on here & venting will help her feel better, i would rather try & help instead than just telling her to pull herself together, or whinging that she always posts stuff like this, and complaining its not SW related. You don't have to post! I ignore plenty of stuff that is of no interest to me.
 
I'm afraid you have misread the intent of my post. Which is why I said I didn't want to sound harsh. I work with people who suffer from depression and low self esteem, and it can be very dangerous to offer 'too much' support. It makes it harder to break away from the cycle of low self esteem because so many nice things are said when you feel low, its like a quick fix.

I genuinly feel for the poster. Its a horrible situation to be in, and I didn't suggest she not post anything unless SW related. I said its a weightloss forum and success would stay a dream if she continued on with this man. Feel free to post whatever you like, just as I feel free to say she will struggle to lose weight with such a loser in her life.

Original poster, I say it again. Ditch him. Seek medical help for your mood if you can and turn your life around. He is a liability.
 
Sweetie i used to live with a man like that who told me id be a fat scumbag who could do nothing for as long as i lived. He also told me that i would never leave him as i'd get noone else blah blah.
Well let me tell you something Linda i left him :) took 5 long years to pluck up the courage but i did it.
I'm now Married to someone who is a million times what he ever was and never puts me down.
I have a lovely son, have moved away to Cornwall and have qualified as a nurse (5 years ago). how's that for someone that would never achieve anything :)
My ex on the other hand is still doing exactly the same as when i left him 10 years ago.................not a frakin lot and whining about how miserable he is etc.
I hope you get strong hunny and if you want someone to talk to pm me hugs x
 
aesir22 said:
I'm afraid you have misread the intent of my post. Which is why I said I didn't want to sound harsh. I work with people who suffer from depression and low self esteem, and it can be very dangerous to offer 'too much' support. It makes it harder to break away from the cycle of low self esteem because so many nice things are said when you feel low, its like a quick fix.

I genuinly feel for the poster. Its a horrible situation to be in, and I didn't suggest she not post anything unless SW related. I said its a weightloss forum and success would stay a dream if she continued on with this man. Feel free to post whatever you like, just as I feel free to say she will struggle to lose weight with such a loser in her life.

Original poster, I say it again. Ditch him. Seek medical help for your mood if you can and turn your life around. He is a liability.
Click to expand...

Fair enough, it did sound harsh, but i get that things sometimes loose something in translation.
 
Aye its a pain online sometimes getting the tone across. Give it ten years and we'll be leaving voice messages on forums, not written posts!
 
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