Tell me honestly...

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by Ymf, 16 March 2011 Social URL.

  1. Ymf

    Ymf Member

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    Ok so its late/very early and I wouldn't usually post about relationship problems on an Internet forum but I can't sleep and I just don't know what to do! I have a great bunch of close friends and I work with people that are old enough to be my mum and have life experience but I just feel like maybe they're being too bias and possibly saying what I want to hear so here goes...

    I met this guy (Jay) three years ago and it's been "sort of seeing" ever since. *Our best friends used to date and we met in a club on his best friends birthday that I got dragged out for, I'd met my friends boyfriend before but not his best friend and when I did he took a shine to me and started to chat me up, I've been hurt in the past and I have brothers so I know what sh*ts men can be so I don't generally trust men very easily, Jay however seemed different but not different enough to jump into a relationship with when he asked me within the first week of knowing him, I mean how am I meant to know what I thought within a week?

    After getting to know him for a few months he gave me this big speech about how his fallen in love with me and my stupid reaction was to bring my guard back up and I told him that I just wanted to be good friends, I didn't want to put a label on us and I was so scared of getting hurt that I felt like I couldn't let him in and as much as he respected my decision we continued to just be friends. *A few more months went by and we were just getting closer and closer and a close relapse with my ex made me realise how much Jay meant to me, I'd fallen for him in a big way and we started seeing each other as more than friends

    I was so happy with the way things were going with him, I'd always been attracted to him but trust is a big thing for me, I was so scared of getting hurt that it took a wake up call to make me bite the bullet and go for it, I've never told him this but I even gave up my uni place on a course because I didn't want to move 250 miles away from him, he meant more to me than anyone ever had.

    There was no conventional reason for us then not being together, neither of us lied or cheated, but there was someone else, I was late. *We'd talked about kids before but neither of us had wanted them yet, we were both still young and just weren't ready, I got a referral to have a termination but when it actually came down to it we knew we were making the wrong decision, a few of my friends got caught out young and have children so I knew how hard it was but we just couldn't go through with it...two weeks after that I lost our baby, what I thought was the initial solution was the biggest upset and still to this day the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, I completely shut everyone out and *as much as he tried to be there for me I wouldn't let him, I didn't want to return his calls or texts and I thought I could get away with just putting on my make up and going to work, it didn't solve any of it, it didn't stop me from seeking comfort in Krispy Kreme's and it didn't stop me from breaking down in work.

    I eventually really opened up to my close friend Chris that I work with, we've always had banter, his always known about my relationships and although there has always been sexual chemistry there neither of us would ever go there, he is like my male best friend which is why he was so great helping me through it all and getting me to pick myself up about it, I still spoke to Jay but never really wanted to go right into it, we both knew it carried massive "what if" threat and for me it was easier to deal with it without him, I guess in a way I felt it was my fault and I felt so guilty just seeing him even though I'd done nothing wrong...I told him we both needed time apart.

    Months passed and I met a new guy called Jack, he was someone that just made me laugh, something I hadn't done in a long time and I have always lived my life with humour. *I wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone and when he said that he really liked me I was honest about it from the start and simply said, this is what it is, I don't want anything serious and he just continued to make me feel better. *It wasn't until Jay called me a few days later that I found out he and Jack actually knew each other and didn't actually like each other, I knew that nothing would become of Jack anyway but I kept it as friends out of respect for Jay. *I knew he had questions about Jack and I told him it was nothing serious, it wasn't like he and I were and I didn't want to be with him, Jay is a guy that just gets me, he knows what I'm going to say before I've said it and he knows what I'm thinking and what I want, Jack wasn't and isn't that guy to me.

    Jay and I started seeing more and more of each other and this time last year he told me that he'd been offered a new job, over 200 miles away! I don't know if it was the whole uni thing for me but the fact he was considering moving away spoke volumes to me and although he decided to stay my guard came back up, as I felt like my life was crashing down around me even more so when his sister found out she was pregnant and he wouldn't ever really talk to me about it, I tried to understand how hard it was for him, especially as he was still living with her and would feel the wrath of her hormones but I just wanted him to mention it, not keep it out of my life and so I'd have to ask about her rather than be told, I knew he was doing it to protect my feelings but I needed to have that conversation with him. *A few weeks after and nothing had changed I decided that I needed to walk away.

    Now no one ever warns you that when you love someone its hard to walk away, especially when I have no reason to hate him, I've tried to move on with my life so many times but I just keep end up going*back to him for one simple reason, I just love him! It's only recently that I've actually said that back to him, he waited two years to hear it because I could never just say "I love you" and now as long as I feel it I'll say it. *I want more than anything to just have a normal relationship with him, one where its just him and I, not everyone and his wife and all the stupid reasons that come with it. *I don't know if I am being naive in thinking that things should just be simple, I love him and he loves me, why are we not together but it's just never the right time, I always have to say "it's complicated" which is true but at the end of the day I don't hate him and I never could. *I know we'd be happy together but I just don't see the bit in-between where Jack isn't a problem, Chris isn't a problem, our miscarriage isn't a problem, trust has never been an issue between us but we're just not as strong as we once were. *I am constantly having days where I feel like I could quit my job, pick my life up and start again somewhere new, go somewhere where no one knows me but for the first time ever I've not wanted to run and it hurts so much that we are not together but I can't sleep for thinking "is it worth it, am I asking too much" it seems every aspect of my life is in limbo at the moment and I just don't know how to deal with it...everything I had the chance of having I took for granted and now I just want it back, but can't! Am I simply asking for too much?
     
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  3. big bear

    big bear A bear on a mission!

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    Hi hun

    I really don't know what to advise you, maybe you need some counselling to talk to someone not involved in the situation...maybe you haven't grieved for the baby you lost & you need to speak to someone about that.

    Can you not speak to Jay or show him this to tell him how you feel?

    Sorry not much good at advise like this but just want to send you hugs & hope you get it sorted.

    Maybe someone on here will come on & advise you as the ladies & gents on here are a fountain of knowledge & great advice XXXX
     
  4. peggypig

    peggypig Silver Member

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    Ive always thought if you love someone and want to be be with them then do so. My 1st husband left me for my best friend so I definately had trust issues but he proved to me he loved me always puts me 1st and a wonderful man and husband.

    If I had carried the hurt from my 1st marriage into my 2nd relationship it would have destroyed it and he would not have wanted to be with me.

    What Im saying is sometimes you know its right so give a relationship a chance if it doesnt work you know for sure.
     
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  5. Ymf

    Ymf Member

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    Thanks ladies, was in two minds about posting but I am glad I did as I now feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I'm at the stage now where my loss doesn't effect my daily life but I do have days where it does all just come out and Jay has sat there and said that it still haunts him, I get that, I really do! At times I feel like maybe it's because it's easier to go with something old rather than find someone new but there has been a couple of guys since and a fair few before and they just don't compare to him, before and after miscarriage they just don't come near, I know that's a negative outlook to have because I can't expect to move on when I wouldn't be 100% in a new relationship but I just really don't want to be those people that go off and have their own lives only to get in contact 20 years later and fall in love again, we can go a month or two and not talk but always pick up where we left off, I just need that bit that's in between that makes it right again and I don't know what that next step is...in think this is why I feel like picking up my life and starting somewhere new, if we're not in the same town then I can't get hurt, it just feels like a mess that is so simple because we do still love each other, that's the annoying thing!

    As for trying to stay on plan and feeling like this it's really not happening, I've got a month off work now so think i am just going to have some me time, not go stupid crazy, but relax a bit and figure out where I want my life to be, I can't keep living thinking that I just want to pick up and leave and I'm definitely not going to stick with my job forever which mean the only thing I really have to stay for is him, again!
     
  6. peggypig

    peggypig Silver Member

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    Do you know I often look at people who seem to have everything and then you find out they dont really, a lot of people dont have happy marriages and I am quite poor at the moment but I take great happiness knowing I have a loving relationship and am with someone who cares about me.


    So Im rich really!!!


    Hope it works out for you have a chill and a think.:D
     
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  7. Ymf

    Ymf Member

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    Thanks hun, I know what you mean, I have both ends of the scale in my family and I've not been bought up to think that all relationships are perfect, one set of my grandparents only stay together for the sake of it and my other grandparents have been happily married for over 50 years! Jay's parents were never really together and when he was a baby his mum got a new boyfriend which she married and is still happily married to, his parents just weren't meant to be together, his known that all his life but never asked why and I think that is where he gets his sensitivity from...just need to chill out and then talk to him, I'm just scared that it's going to be separate ways for the best!
     
  8. Lucky7

    Lucky7 Gold Member

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    Well, you can spend your life dodging from one okay male-friend to another because it's safe (i.e. you don't care about the relationship enough to be heart-broken if it goes tits-up), or you can take a chance on someone who you really care about, and obviously cares about you.
    Unfortunately you can take out any kind of insurance against heartbreak, but is that a real reason for living like someone who refuses to use cars in case they're in a crash? I think you're in danger of missing out on a huge chunk of life if you keep running scared Ymf (and I think you know that deep down as well).
     
  9. Medusa

    Medusa Full Member

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    Sometimes just writing stuff own helps you make some sense of it.

    Why is trust such an issue for you? I agree you might want to think about some counselling. Relate don't just speak to couples you know - you can see them on your own to discuss any relationship issues. Relate - the relationship people

    Are you scared to be with Jay or do you keep drifting back because you're scared to be alone and want to hedge your bets with a willing human comfort blanket? Sorry if that sounds harsh but you need to be honest with yourself, what you want and who (if any) you want it with.

    Take care. xx
     
  10. dawnwynne

    dawnwynne Full Member

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    I think that if you re-read your post you've actually answered your own question. To me it's quite obvious from your post that you want to give the relationship a go, you're scared which is quite normal really. If I were you I'd take this time off to really think about the pros and cons of both being with him and not being with him. That might help you find your way.

    My philosophy in life has always been the same, I'd rather live it to the full and take my chances than let it pass me by. I've moved half way across the world to be with my partner and I was scared too but in the end when I weighed it all out the worst thing that would happen is that I'd get hurt (which I'd been before and lived to talk about) and I'd move back and start again (again I'd had to start all over again a few times.). I felt the benefits outweighed the risk so was worth it. But that's me, only you know what is good for you...hope you find the answers you are looking for but really only you have those answers.
     
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