The diary of a spod.

[Silence]

Janey's right...you will be fine. You need to think about what's best for you, for your life. Don't care what anyone else thinks Megan, do what you need to do hun. Just don't rush any major decisions, as harsh as it sounds, now is the time when you need to be rational and logical.

~Silence~

 

[clarri]

Agreeing with all the above. If moving back to England is where you think you will be more at peace, then do it. Life goes on, and you are young enough to set new foundations.
xx

 

[Janey2004]

Off to get my butt in gear for work. :vibes::vibes::vibes:Sending you every good sleep vibe I have. Try and make sure you get as much of it as you can, I know its not easy just now. My thoughts will be with you today. Massive (((((hug)))) xxxxx Mind and take care of yourself. Will check in on you later from work xxxxx

 

[spod]

Thanks.

Janey and Silence, I totally agree. Need to be rational and logical and get back on my feet. But its so hard when all you want to do is curl up in to a ball and scream.

Silver lining: dont people always lose weight when they split up with someone? (unless they comfort eat that is...)

Dont know that England is the right place. I really, really dont know. Got to think of my career too - have screwed it up enough in the past putting husband's job first.

xx

 

[spod]

and Clarri and Cate - sorry!

 

[Silence]

I think you have to look at it this way.... the world is your oyster.

I thought I'd add to the silver lining approach: You're young (sounds funny saying that to someone older than me) and you have the chance to put yourself first again. Take it as an opportunity. Take some risks and learn from the mistakes because they will help you grow as a person.

Sending you big hugs right now, I can't even imagine how overwhelmed you must be feeling.

~Silence~

 

[spod]

Going to have an early night and had towards bed. Feel like cr*p, so probably some sleep will do me good. Cant believe what a mess I have made of everything. Ho hum.
Hope you all have a lovely Sunday.
xx

 

[spod]

Thanks for the hugs silence - majorly needed. The world is indeed my oyster and I havent been single for more than 2 months since the age of 14, so I really need to figure myself out I think. Feel a bit lost tho and dont know where to start....

Thank you all for being so lovely.

xx

 

[Silence]

Going to have an early night and had towards bed. Feel like cr*p, so probably some sleep will do me good. Cant believe what a mess I have made of everything. Ho hum.
Hope you all have a lovely Sunday.
xx

Sleep well hun.

And don't start beating yourself up about this. It's not your fault.

~Silence~

 

[kopcat]

Huh???

Am confused...why are you saying sorry??


The reason I asked where you were was because I know fatinthejing is a Head of a school over there...but she's in Beijing. I do know she's often looking for teachers....though I think it's a primary. Change of scene may do you some good.

What did you teach back here?

(Hope you're sleeping well now!!)

xx


PS I shrank out of sight when my long term relationship finished!!

 

[spod]

I am wide awake and not got as far as even shutting my eyes. Just cant do it cos I know when I wake up I will think everything is alright for a split second and then I will remember whats happened.

Thanks kopcat but I have decided to go home. I only came here because of his job and I was supporting him - it was his dream, not mine.
I need to pick myself up and go home to where I have a good support network, get back on the job market / housing market. I know the people I work with here will be lovely and supportive, but I want my old friends and my parents right now in a country where I can speak the language properly. I need to sort out my brokenheart and there is too much other stress here that I think will make me feel worse.

I think its the right decision. We have discussed the money issue and he has said he will help me out for a few months until I get a job sorted. Its so much better being amicable. I think it probably hurts so much less that accusations, shouting etc. I dont want to lose him from my life, hes a great guy but a sh*te husband!!!

Really have screwed up tho.... will have the "I told you so"s when I get home, I know I will.

xx

 

[BBlilsis]

Spod, I'm truly sorry to hear what your going through, the one thing I want to make clear, and you need to as well.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE, you seem to be taking full responsiblity for this, YOUR HUSBAND IS THE ONE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE, he is the one making the decisions, calling an end to your marriage, its all on his terms, just what exactly can you do when faced with that you moved to the other side of the world to support him, what more could you have done

I know your happy that its all amicable right now, but it might help you if you scream a little, maybe your marriage deserves a fight, even if all it does is release some of your emotions, I'm here for you if you need me :gen126:

 

[spod]

Thanks Lily. I am back again. Went to bed in the spare room but it was so horrible so I am back on the sofa crying again. He offered to sleep on the sofa but I couldnt face sleeping in our bed without him. I feel phyiscally sick and I want to go home right now. Am sitting here with tears pouring down my face. I just want a hug and for it to be how it used to be.

 

[BBlilsis]

Bloody hell, what ever happened to marriage vows, death do us part and all that jazz , it think its horrendous the way people just throw other people away, like this.

Ring your family, you need support right now, you need someone to stand up for you and slap this guy cuz of the way he's treating you. Don't sit there crying alone, it may be midnight there but its the middle of the day for your family, hopefully with their support you'll get through this :gen126:

 

[spod]

Thanks for shouting my corner Lily. It is his fault and it is my fault. We have had a good talk this evening and I have told him exactly how I have been feeling and he has said how he is feeling. Its not as cut and dry as its all his fault, but he has a lot of issues that he needs to sort out. I hope he does sort them out, hes not a bad bloke really like I said, but cr*p at being a husband. Its the same things causing the issues all the time and although I thought it was all better than it had been, he doesnt think so. So, I cant change his mind and quite honestly I am exhausted. The last year was a complete nightmare healthwise (he has PTSD) and changed him significantly. He really isnt the guy I married. Shame, cos I love that man tremendously and we had a lot of very good times. Thats what I am upset about - the what could have / should have beens.

xx

 

[BBlilsis]

Just make sure you take care of yourself and your health, we're here for you if you need us :gen126:

 

[spod]

Thanks. I just want to be at home now. I know thats where I want to be and what is best for me right now.

I just feel like a bit of a failure not completing my contract, going home after 4 months and my marriage not working out.

xx

 

[Silence]

Megan, you're not a failure ... I know things haven't been right for a while between you and the husband but as far as I can see you were making an effort ... its not your fault he chose to bail out.

You're not a failure for taking control of your life in a crisis, knowing what you want and need and making a decision. That is my definition of strong.

~Silence~

 

[BBlilsis]

Megan, you're not a failure ... I know things haven't been right for a while between you and the husband but as far as I can see you were making an effort ... its not your fault he chose to bail out.

You're not a failure for taking control of your life in a crisis, knowing what you want and need and making a decision. That is my definition of strong.

~Silence~

I agree, I just ran out of ways of saying it

 

[spod]

Thanks Lily and Silence, maybe you are right. I guess it is stronger to make a decision and decide what is best for you. I just think if I was stronger I would stay here for the whole year and go home next July rather than running away now.
At least if I go now I look for jobs in the spring half term / summer term, when all the jobs appear. I will be ready for them! Its going to be hard tho being on my own I think. Dont want to be without him, but must stop thinking like that because it is not an option.