The end of the line, or the beginning of a new life?

Twelve pounds is amazing, congratulations sweet girl! Six stone- OMG! (as the young girl at work would say!)
Guilt is a destructive, corrosive emotion, and if I can be bold, I think you need to try to fight those feelings. Years have past. You have certainly "paid" with OH. Question the feelings, and find out how to forgive yourself. You don't deserve it!
Can you somehow redo your house so that it suits you and not OH, and does have some character? (Apparently you can learn to wallpaper on youtube, so someone told me?) If not, how can you learn to live with it, or move?
Don't get stuck in the past darling girl. It does no good. (I've learnt the hard way) Look to the future. Yours is shining!
 
sorry I've been a bit MIA but I have been in a bit of a dark place over the last few days ....a real 'void' feeling...

it started on Monday and I know is linked to my ex moving. He has a completion date of 19 November and I am finally starting to 'mourn' where I used to live . Even though I moved out in 2004 I have had almost daily access and so in a way have never been able to grieve the move. The house still feels more like home that this one does and I won't be able to go back there after the 19th because someone else will own it :( I then started to think - if my ex moves with my dog and I have only weekend visits due to distance (possibly 20 miles) then what do I have to keep me where I live? I exist in my house rather than live in my home, I have no relationship to speak of with my OH and my job isn't permanent and isn't challenging me....

I felt very despondent by all of this and it wasn't until yesterday that I realised that I had managed to put a gap between these dark thoughts and the instant desire to eat to push them all back down again. This is good. The old me would have just eaten and eaten to try to mask the feelings but it did really expose me to what emotional 'pain' (for better want of a word) feels like when you can't numb it with something and it really wasn't nice.

I feel a bit better today although I still want to cry when I think about the house.

Nothing really ties me to where I live. I'm not married, have no children and OH has his own home where he goes to every day. I could sell up and move. Take the equity and put it away and rent for a while perhaps...............perhaps........it's all just seeds of thought bourne out by this forced change to the edges of my life but they keep coming back.

I have to confess I have not been 100% good. But I also realise when and where I eat.

On Sunday I was offered some KFC, which I ate.

Yesterday - a slice of ham and about 6 little finger sized pieces of breaded chicken

Today - 3 slices of ham, 3 biscuits and 1 piece of the breaded chicken

All at my ex's house. I know he will have snack stuff in the fridge and I often see what is in there to feed my dog as a little treat when I go round at lunchtime to take him out when my ex is working. Before my holiday I resisted 100% but for the last couple of days something isn't quite working in my head. I don't even think about doing it at my house and so my brain is obviously associating old habits/actions/thoughts with being there. When with my ex we ate lots of lovely food all the time. There was always a full fridge and a pile of takeaway leaflets. I cooked 2 course meals at weekends, just food, food, food all the time......

I suppose ironically the fact he is moving on the 19th will mean an end to that habit and so I have decided not to beat myself up over what has happened and try to stay 100% good but know if there are odd bits of ham etc eaten then it has an end date.

I think the bits I have eaten have knocked me out of ketosis as I feel much hungrier than I would expect and I'm also quite tired all the time and a bit fuzzy headed. That alone is a reason to think about what has happened, work it through, compare to how I want to feel and move on with a plan.

Onto nicer things - my 6 stone bead has arrived :D It is a 3 side triangular bead with little bits of purple enamel in it to signify my favourite colour :D

I have had 2 comments now this week that colleagues didn't recognise it was me from the other end of the corridor.

I ordered 2 funky (well I thought funky!) cardigans and a pack of 2 long stretchy camisoles for the winter. Both cardigans are going back in that they fit but are both very odd designs! One makes me look huge even though it is a size 20/22. I am going to keep the camisoles though to wear under my jackets as they are needed. I bought a 22 in those and they should do me for a stone and a half I think.

I was also supposed to see my GP today about the 'attacks'....I thought it was 4.40 tomorrow and it was only when I realised what the noise on my phone was that I realised it was the alarm to tell me it was 4.40 today and I wasn't at the surgery, I was at home.......whoops......re-arranged for 4.40 on the 5th.
 
Hey White Tulip :) I love reading your diary, and I would love to see a picture of your bracelet with all these beads :D

I am not good at giving advice -nor do I have a lot of experience- but it seems to me that you're feeling as if your life is slipping away from you. You need to get back in control and make decisions for you, based on what makes you happy. :)

Is there anything that you'd like to do, just for yourself? It doesn't have to be something big. Maybe a self pampering session? A visit to the hairdresser? Just something to make you feel valued and tell your body you love it :)
 
what do you want in life WT? what do you want to achieve and how will you get there? ignore anything that is irrelevant to that and go and get what you want. i'm sure that you will be loads happier.
 
I'm sorry that you are in such a dark place, it does sound like you need to mourn. I'm glad you are being so sensible about not being 100%- if I could count the number of times I have thrown in the towel for not being 100%, when really, it doesn't make a jot of difference in the long run.

It might be a positive thing, the 19th coming around, allowing you to let go of the past a bit, and embrace the future. It's great that you are thinking about what you could do. You don't have to do anything quickly, you have time to think, time to consider. I can't wait to hear what you do decide to do!
 
Hi Tulip, sorry you are having a bit of a down time.
You are being very sane and sensible about everything, allowing the emotions to come out into the open and dealing with them and your attitude towards your diet is great.
I too would love to see pics of your bracelet if you get the chance.
I some ways you are lucky in that you do have no children or ties to the area. You really could move anywhere you wanted (though I know you would need to find a job).
You have the rest of your life ahead and so many wonderful adventures waiting for you. When the time is right you will find your path and sometimes these decisions just make themselves.
In the meantime you have a home here.
Take care of yourself xxx
 
Hi Tulip ((hugs)) - I’m sorry that you are not in a good place right now.

Although it feels like a sad time I think it also an exciting time. The situation with your ex is forcing you move on and maybe this change is also forcing you to look at other situations in your life especially with your OH.

Dietwise you may not be 100% but you aren’t blowing it completely. You’ve come so far since starting the diet and I believe you’ll be a different person in every way by the time you reach goal.

Take care of you xx
 
thankyou lovely people.......the truth is I don't know what I want, where or with who I want it with.

I read an article (well about 3 in the end) about the fear of being alone and so sticking with bad relationships and it is something I want to read more about.

My ex has decided where to live and I feel a little more settled about it as he seems to be coping ok with it. When we were together I was responsible for so much and I still feel that he can't 'cope' when the reality is - he can. There's still stuff he isn't good with; computer stuff, financial stuff but he has chosen where to live and for how long and it is a lovely cottage. I am sure though when the 19th comes I will be rather down for a few days about the house.

I am very, very , very tired. Absolutely exhausted and have been for a couple of days. I think I am probably not in ketosis because of the bits of meat and the biscuits and so the veneer of ketosis is gone and this is the reality of feeding my body such a low number of calories. My head hurts, my eyes are heavy all the time and I am so tired. I need to get this little 'phase' worked through and move forward. It is just going to be a bit of a difficult time and if the worst it brings is a bit of tiredness and the eating of a few slices of ham or chicken then I can put up with that. In the past I would have just eaten everything in sight but not now.

I will take a photo of my bracelet and post soon :D
 
I hope you are feeling better today, dear girl. Sometimes it is just one foot in front of the other. Remind yourself that you are only feeling so much pain because you are actually tackling the problems and feelings. This will not be forever. It will get better! I think everyone has done the bad partner/fear of being alone/bad partner combo at least once. Low confidence is a big part of it, selling yourself short.In a little while, I wouldn't want to stand between you and a much better life. It's coming, it is on it's way. Don't be too scared my darling friend, everyone has ups and downs, just keep plodding along till things look better, not long now!
 
I don't feel nearly as tired today. Either I'm getting more into ketosis or the threatened cold has decided to pass me by.

A colleague told me today that she had never said anything before but thought my life sounded so 'sad' because whenever I was asked what I was doing at the weekend there was never a mention of OH (the reality being because he isn't around!) and that all I seemed to have was my farm on Farmville :eek: That makes me sound like a right saddo :eek: I opened up a little and said a few things and she said she was right behind me. I just hope she doesn't tell everyone what I said, I really don't want people at work knowing much about me privately because I like to keep work and private life very separate. I think it's that veneer of everything being rosy and not wanting to be seen as less than perfect in any way. Not really describing it very well!

I have never mentioned my OH and what he is like to my work colleagues although bizarrely someone the other day said to me was the fact I'd lost weight made OH behave any better towards me :confused: I definitely wouldn't have said anything to this particular person and was quite puzzled where it had come from.

Only a few slices of chicken roll that I shouldn't have had today when I went to see my lovely boy, so the little blip is continuing but not exactly the end of the world.

I was willing to give up the diet for the night as someone at work was selling 2 tickets for a beer festival happening locally tonight. I don't drink beer but I do like cider :D and I like that kind of event as it's not about the people more the fun of being there. I sent a text to OH asking if he wanted to go and got back 'not really, do you?' and so I said yes as I wanted a fun night out and to let my hair down a little but as he wasn't bothered not to worry.

I think the fact I asked him if wanted to go was an indication I wanted to go myself!!
 
Please, don't be offended White Tulip, but you do sound quite sad when you're talking about your relationship :( It makes me all the more sad that I am really happy and my plans almost always include my OH (unless it's a girly night out :D) although, true, we do not go out often.

You should have gone with a friend to this Beer Festival :D
 
White Tulip,

I love your diary, but I feel sad when I read about your relationship with your OH.

I know what I want to say but find it hard to put into words I don't want to to preach about what is right or wrong for you but remember there could be another life waiting for you to enjoy.

Your OH is so obviously not going to change and why would he, he has got used to your life together and it probably suits him, chances are it suited you but now that you are losing weight and looking and feeling better about yourself you must realise you do not need to settle for this.

You are a woman in her prime of life, you have no ties to this man, you don't enjoy your own home maybe becuase he is in it! Also with your skills I imagine you could get a job anywhere....

I am sorry if I speak out of turn but I speak from experience although my situation was different to yours, when it ended there was a grieving process but 8 years down the line I still have a weight problem and I don't have children which I longed for but I do have a happy, stable relationship with a man I love very much and who to my delight feels the same way.

I hope the weekend brings you some respite from how you are feeling.

Wendy x
 
You do sound sad sometimes, White Tulip, but never like a saddo! I wouldn't worry too much about confiding in the work mate- apparently studies show that in recent years work places are the most significant social areas of most of our lives. I think the work mate sounds intuitive and kind, and therefore not likely to pass on any personal information to others. I reckon the fact that you did confide in her is another sign of the changes happening in your life, and that it is a good thing!
At my work, there is only women. (You can imagine what it is like sometimes!) All of us talk, to some extent, about our personal lives, and our partners, we exchange ideas, and I guess validate each other. (I know, now I'm sounding like the saddo!) Some of these women I like more than others, and of course with those I might share more personal type information.
It's interesting that, without you having said much, some people you work with have come to the conclusion that your OH doesn't treat you that well. Sometimes it can be what we don't say speaks volumes- perhaps when you don't mention anything special that you do together etc, any treats at special occasions, people draw their own conclusions. I don't think it matters anyway- you won't be in this job forever, and people have got their own lives to be preoccupied with.

Glad the dieting is going easier! Hope your day seems brighter!
 
White Tulip- I meant to say that OH's continuing disinterest in your wishes, (wanting to go out) is due to his inadequacy, NOT yours!
 
And I would say Here! Here! to that last comment, White Tulip.
Just reading through your diary and am so impressed with how you are doing. Wow!
As for OH, I had almost the same sort of attitude from mine years ago. Eventually realised that no matter what I did it wasn't going to enough so did my own thing to a large extent and got more positive in my own goals which he then couldn't cope with. So off he went with someone half his age who led him a merry dance and got him doing allsorts of housework he had never done before! Hehe!!:D Then he had the audacity to come and tell me his hardluck story!
Anyway, White Tulip, you keep your chin up and keep on doing what you are doing as I am sure you are feeeling so much better in yourself without all that huffing and puffing to contend with.
All the very best.:)
 
Hi White Tulip,
I have lurked a bit and looked at your diary from time to time, but haven't posted till now. I've just had a proper look at your diary and just wanted to say very very very well done so far, you have done amazingly well!!

As for whether you should move/change job etc is tricky isn't it to know what to do.
Sometimes I find it hard trying to decide what to do with my life, having choices is great but it can be hard to make a decision.
I have been at a crossroads for a while, but since I have been on CD I feel I have even more choices which is great! Just got to decide now.

Anyway just thought i'd say hi, and I look forward to reading your updates. xxx
 
I think the only thing I can really do until I am strong enough to end things with OH is to try to do more of my own thing and for him to realise that he could be missing out. I've tried saying I'll do things and he just says 'go for it' rather than wanting to do it with me and so I kind of feel that he isn't bothered what I do.

Today, his son and girlfriend fly off to Australia for 2 years. It will be interesting to see if he now treats me any differently as he is very close to his son. I think he has spent many years trying to make up for leaving his wife and son and I think him going abroad will hit him hard. It would be nice if he decided (even if subconsciously) to fill that 'gap' with thinking about me a little more. We'll see.
Anyway, weigh in and a totally expected STS. I knew this week's nibbling would probably bring this result but I am really fine about it. I have just shrugged and thought - I am going through a combination of emotional/stressful things at the moment and the fact I'm not sitting here stuffing chocolate and toast down my throat whenever I get the chance is evidence that I am starting to put a distance between emotional upset and pacifying those thoughts with food.

I feel there may be a couple more weeks like this until my ex moves but after he goes to his new house and I can relax from helping him with his move and the upset of my lovely dog being a lot further away from me I will be able to get back on track.

My ex has offered twice in the last 24 hours to buy me a takeaway to say thankyou for all the help I've given. I spent nearly all day yesterday with him going through his paperwork for the last 7 years since we split and saying what he could throw out and what to keep. Today I helped him finalise his storage arrangements. When we were together our relationship had a big food aspect to it; lots of meals out, takeaways, cooking lovely meals and apart from once I never lasted more than 3 weeks on a diet in the 13 years we were together. Offering me food as a thankyou is a natural thing for him to do and I am appreciative but I am going to have to keep saying no!!!

My OH doesn't know I help my ex as much as I do with research/logistics/organising etc but I just don't feel guilty anymore. He's never here, isn't interested and I am just friends with my ex (and that is all it would ever be). I guess I should be able to tell OH that I'm helping him but I just couldn't cope with him 'telling' me what I should and shouldn't be doing and I feel he would revert to being snipey and jealous.

Any loss over the next 2-3 weeks (however small) will be progress and I'm happy to keep that thought in my head.
 
What a difficult time you are facing at the moment, good on you for resisting the choc and toast temptation, a difficult feat in itself!

Where is Aust are OH's son and girlfriend going?

I don't think you should hope that OH will fill any gap in his life with you. He is effectively unavailable, and that is his problem, not yours. He is too scared to have a full relationship. Scared of what I don't know, but he may as well not be there for all his ability to engadge in anything worthwhile or meaningful with you, or anyone else for that matter.It is not you that has been tested and found wanting, White Tulip, it really is him. Your participation only goes as far as putting up with it. Whether or not that continues is all you can decide. He is not going to change.

Same with you starting to do things, I really don't think he will realise he is missing out. I think you should start doing things for you. Things that you like,or make you feel good- who knows what you will learn, who you will meet, what it will end up being in your life? I don't reckon it will delight OH if you do, but not because he percieves he is missing out- more because he will know that it might increase your confidence, and thus make it less likely you will put up with his rubbish.

I reckon you should be saying yes to every invitation you get that sounds ok, even if it isn't really your cup of tea. Look in the local papers, or notices at the library etc, and if anything takes your fancy, I'd give it a go. If you don't like it, that's ok, you don't have to commit for life or anything, just start trying things. Start taking small steps to making a new life. Don't even factor OH in to it. He is a drag on your energy, and seems to give you nothing good back.

Could you get a dog of your own, and continue the share arrangement with your ex with "his" dog?

Sweet girl, I wouldn't waste any energy feeling guilty about your helping you ex.

Hope you are having a good one!
 
i was also going to why not get a dog yourself.
 
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