The Highs and Lows of Development

[Cerulean]

I did 216. Someone in my group who started the same time as me who had about 40 more kilos than me to lose will have just done her 230th day so I will see her around Day 244 - I think she's planning on stopping in October (shortly before her day 300). She hasn't wobbled once - I think she is the only person in the entire group who has not faltered once - *thinks* yes - she's solidly stuck to it.

 

[Cerulean]

We should call this the playground thread - it's swings, roundabouts, seesaws and rollercoasters, isn't it?

Oh - and bless Beechy - did you know he's being removed from the LL DVDs due to an unfounded tabloid scandal? Beechy really knows his stuff and was the best thing about the DVDs - I should look up his stuff at the library.

 

[Helen]

Gosh, didn't know that. I thought Beechy was brill - he has been there, done that and knows exactly what he was talking about. I agree he was the best part of the DVD's and the bit that I miss the most. We all had a lot of respect for him.

 

[In search of me]

Hope yu all have a good day! Have woken up knowing that a month more in development is my limit...good you've come to a decision too TG - can totaly relate to the "bad things will happen" thought!!!

 

[SandraEG]

Funnily enough I was looking up Beechy last night on the internet because his books and website were listed as a resource at the end of the green book and the first thing that came up was the Daily Mail article.

I will end up doing way more than 230 days because it's now day 153 for me and I'm not quite halfway... Still faltering regularly. A couple of good days, a couple of bad days and on it goes...

Another thing I did last night was download the goal mapping stuff from LIFT International : Home page (also int eh green book!) and it looks brilliant. I think we skipped over that in week 11.

 

[SandraEG]

I've had a major binge today.

Stressed about money stuff and went out at lunchtime to deposit some cash in the bank and went mad at Starbucks and EAT in the city. The in the vending machine here at work. I'm thinking about going for seconds...

This feels so different to other lapses I've had. And, if someone says to me (my LLC does this sometimes) 'it won't make you feel better or change anything', I will scream. I know. I know. I know already. But I just needed to be a bit numb.

The thing is that this voice was not one of the identifiable ego states. It may have been rebellious but it certainly wasn't a child. This was adult addict talking. I come from a family of addicts actually. Mother and brother are both alcoholics. My sister and me both use food instead. This voice really was like my childhood memories of my mother screaming for a drink when I was trying to give her coke to sober her up. I haven't felt like this since I started the diet and it scares me.

 

[In search of me]

Sorry to hear that Sandra...hugs for you. I dont have the answer I'm affraid as not been there so hard to offer any kind of positive experience...
Just

 

[Mrs Lard]

Dear Sandra

You said "But I just needed to be a bit numb". As you know, that's EXACTLY how I felt on Sunday evening.

If this is of any help, I believe that doing the LighterLife process presses all your buttons - as you say, food is yours and mine and everyone here on Minis - it's our coping mechanism. But as we all know, we have not been eating because we are hungry for food but hungry for something else. It's emotional hunger and we need to find different ways of addressing that hunger.

You're dealing with deep stuff and sometimes, it IS too much. And that's when we need to be numb and for most of us, we only know how to be numb in ONE way - by self medicating with food.

If we were in rehab (and I believe LighterLife IS rehab but without all the buffers of a protective environment), we would be focusing on US, our addictions and dealing with them and NOTHING else. You're working, still living and yet trying to nail something really fundamental in your life. This goes for all of us. I don't think it's coincidental that we struggle at this stage - this is the TOUGH bit - we need to get on the other side.

The only advice I can give is to say we've got to continue finding the magic bullet that STOPS us reaching for the food. One day something specific will work, another day it won't. Maybe we need to accept that we will have to adjust those strategies along the way.

I'm sending you a massive hug. Stay away from the snacks; you are only hurting yourself. And it's time to be really kind to yourself - maybe for the first time in your life. And that may be a whole new learning curve. I know it is for me...I'm only really beginning to understand what this means, never mind actually put it into action.

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Helen]

Wow Mrs L, what a fantastic and supportive post. I would give you a reputation comment but apparently I have to spread it around further before I can give you any more! I think what you have said is just so true and you have said it in such a positive way too thatI for one feel much more positive myself about the rest of my LL journey.

Sandra, I read your post earlier and thought I would give thought to my reply before responding. However 3 hours later I have not come up with anything that I think will help you in any way or any words of deep wisdom. All I can do is send hugs and love to you. The only thing I can say (and I am speaking from experience here!) is don't beat yourself up about what you have eaten today, that is how you will end up eating tomorrow etc. As Mrs L said "be kind to yourself". We have all used food to medicate ourselves with for years and we are not going to recover totally from that in a few months. You know that anyway but sometimes it helps for someone to restate the obvious! You have done brilliantly well so far so congratulate yourself for that and be kind to yourself as you would be kind to one of us.

 

[Cerulean]

Oh Sandra - I empathise totally with the need for numbness - that's what i was doing - I think my body wanted me to stop stock still - now - in fact all of the warning signs were there at the end of last week - I was exhausted and I missed the messages my body was sending me.

We both know food won;t change anything - but it does have the power to anaesthetise us from things we really would rather not be feeling. Sometimes our bodies cry out for something, anything - the important thing is - you know what - it's just a binge. We hurt sometimes - and sometimes we have to patch ourselves the best way we can. I am not trying to tell you you can just binge every time you feel rubbish, but you do need to feel the pain and let the air get at the wounds in order to let them properly heal. Bingeing is sort of like picking at the scab...sort of - I think you know what I mean. And I know what you mean about that strange voice - it's imperious and demanding and strong and there's no childishness in it. You are bigger than it - you are stronger than you give yourself credit.

Write it off...you have a heap of stuff going on at the moment - you know what you have to do. You have everyone's support here - you know that.

S
x

 

[hopefilly]

Hello everyone hope you dont mind me joining in. I have just sat and read through this whole thread and it has blown me away cos I can identify with everyone on the highs but mostly lows of development. At the minute I have about another 10 lbs to lose but finding it really hard. This thread is invaluable to me thanks.
luv Mandy x.

 

[Tiger Girl]

Sandra :grouphugg:
Sorry you've had such a rubbish day. Your comment about this lapse 'feeling different' stood out for me on your post. Wondering if you'd worked that one out yet? I've recently realised that a recent promotion at work was really triggering a lot more stuff than I thought. Seems like a no brainer but it took me a while to get my head around it. Work was definitely the trigger of this weeks downfall Monday.

ISOM - pleased you've set your sights on a RtM goal too. The relief that I'm feeling just now is immense. I know I can't go further than end Sep. And whilst I'm pretty certain that I won't be exactly at target weight (bearing in mind I've NEVER been able to work out what that is, so god only knows why I'm certain I won't be there!!), in no way shape or form has the word 'failure' popped up for me.

At time of writing I've lost 6 and a half stone. That is NOT failure. I will have been on the programme for 8 and a half months when I get to the end of Sep. I've achieved so much. I potentially could lose a total of 8st before management.
"Flexibility is the pre-curser to achieving significant goals" was said by someone somewhere (or something like that!), that's striking a chord with me just now. 100% abstinence appears to be evading me. I know LL is an all or nothing choice and I don't seem to be able to give it my all right now, and similarly I'm not and have not caved in entirely. I can't continue to beat myself up for much longer as that is definitely not helping. And the rollercoaster has to stop. Even if it's only stopping to allow the RtM mammoth rollercoaster to start! But I want to get into management and test out a lot of other things. I'm curious to see what my exercise regime is going to look like, and how I can increase my training. Just back from a great session with my trainer tonight - I love doing this and want to do more. I want to carry on not drinking. This has been life changing for me and I have absolutely no desires or cravings around booze. Massive life altering results in this area. I want to take on the new challenge of RtM - I'm ready for it.

So all in all I'm feeling pretty positive - so much so that I think I may actually be able to get through all of the work trips and holidays coming up.
After feeling sooooo bored the last few weeks, my curiosity is back re finishing up and moving on.


Sarah - do let me know how your 230+ days person is getting on, I'm really interested.

(PS Mrs L - I couldn't PM you as your inbox is full apparantly! )

 

[Tiger Girl]

Hi Mandy - welcome
Everyone's feeling it right now so we need as much support as we can get! With 10lb to go the finishing line is in sight. How long have you been 'Developing'

 

[Cerulean]

TG - The freakiest thing has been my control over booze - I do not want it - the smell of it and the thought of it really turns my stomach...and I used to 'use' it to mask all sorts of feelings - I mused to someone the other week that it's the first time since I was 5 or so that I have not had alcohol for this length of time (as I child I probably had a small tot of wine with meals once every month or so - my Dad was a hotelier so I was brought up in quite a French way)

 

[Tiger Girl]

Yep - exactly the same for me Sarah. Can honestly say kicking the booze has been the easiest part of the journey. I've never stopped drinking for any period of time and have quite literally lived my life on the party bus. I've said consistently to one and all that at some point I'll climb back on the bus, but I seriously don't think I will. I just don't want it at all. Can't even remember what a hangover feels like. All of my friends are a proper boozy sociable crowd, and my job is like one extended after hours carnival! I've not *not* gone out once - the only thing I've avoided is meals out. So if on a night out it starts to head towards going for a curry, I just go home. But I've definitely not avoided the pub at all. It was a complete revelation

Forgot to mention earlier, had no idea Beechy was at the heart of a tabloid scandal! How funny

 

[Helen]

TG, once you have finished SSing and gone through RtM are you considering going back to SS in order to get to the target you have initially set yourself? I am wondering whether to do this myself once the other girl in my group goes onto management at the end of this month. I know Mrs L has suggested it isn't a good idea to go into management with weight still to lose but if my original plan is to go back to SSing at the end for a short period then it may work for me. I am wondering if its anything you (or anyone else) has considered or actually gone ahead and done.

TG and Cerulean - I feel exactly the same about booze. I have assumed that in my case its simply that drinking in ketosis can seriously damage kidneys/liver (never can remember which!) and as I had problems with both during pregnancy and there seems to be a bit of a family weakness with livers I didn't want to risk anything. Also if I'm going to leave abstinence I would rather do it with chocolate, but maybe there is a bit more to it than that if several others feel the same

Mandy, welcome. Well done to get to within your last stone! How much have you lost so far if you don't mind me asking? Getting within 10lb of target seems like a remote dream from where I am now!

 

[Cerulean]

Funnily enough one of LL's most successful RtMers - AmandaJayne - started with a stone left to lose and she managed it...maybe having that last goal spurred her through - I don't know - you'd have to ask her - but it's not impossible - but neither is it to be expected as a given, I guess!

 

[Helen]

I must read her management journal again, that piece of info had totally passed me by! In my case though I would hope to keep weight stable(ish) whilst in management (that would be an achievement in inself given my recent history!) then go back to SSing for another 4 to 8 weeks at the end.

 

[Cerulean]

I am not sure how SSing at the end of management would work as observing my glycogen swings after my binges (10lbs on in three days and then 10lbs off in three days, I am not sure that going straight back to normal eating after SSing is possible without seeing a sudden 7-10lb upswing. In theory (and this is only my theory, mind, every time you SS, you should come off it by following the 12 week RtM plan!) I'd talk to your LLC about that plan and ask how future 4 week blocks of SSing would work...I don't know enough about it beyond my experience of what happens to my bodyweight when I don't follow the plan.

 

[Mrs Lard]

Hello Everyone

Back to the RtM/Development see-saw - do you/don't you take the plunge?

Here's my take on it, which is NOT scientific (ha!). The reason I suggested not going into RtM with weight to lose is because there is so much else to think about and additional weight loss is not another small thing on the mental to-do list, it's a b***dy big thing. And let's face it, most of us here are/were absolutely exhausted by Development so we would be/were starting RtM as shrivelled husks - I have said to several people, I am a husk of a woman! BUT there surely isn't any doubt, and I probably didn't make it clear, you can lose weight in RtM (particularly if you do week 1 for several weeks) and Sarah reminds us of AmandaJayne. If you follow the programme to the letter, I can't see how you can fail to continue to lose weight - if I have a perfect RtM day (yet to happen but 90% there), it's still not many calories so the body's bound to keep mining its own fat stores to survive. Does that make sense?

Or is what I have written heresy?

Hang on in there everyone; it's triggers a-go-go as TG would say - let's keep each other boosted.

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxxxx