The Highs and Lows of Development

Mornin' Tiger Girl!

"but I did read your management thread avidly, and I know you did lose significantly in management.
Any thoughts?"

I did LL from beginning through development and to the end of management mostly in adaptive child mode. I was afraid to make a mistake and fall off the tightrope - what if I couldn't get back on again? It's only now that I HAVE fallen off the tightrope that I am learning to live in adult mode, and see that I CAN get back on track. What is it they say? You can't make an omelette without cracking an egg.

Mrs L suggests that you take a break for a while and return to SSing at a later date. One of the ladies at my group has done this. She has already lost more than 10 stone and still has another three to go. She has recently finished management and is a slim size 16 down from a 32. She intends to return to SSing next summer (when the weather is warmer) to finally get down to a healthy BMI. Is this an option for you?

You just have 21lbs to lose to get to goal? That's fantastic, you're nearly there.

I think too that we have to think carefully about our subconscious desires. These are what really guide our behaviours and decisions. So, while we consciously WANT to lose weight and be slim and healthy, subconsiously we might actually feel 'safe' being fat - we are in our comfort zone and its safe and comfortable there. Being slim suddenly throws up challenges and difficulties we don't want to deal with.

For example, if you are told to lose weight in order to qualify for medical procedures to enable you to become pregnant and have your own family, you would immediately start dieting. However, as you near your goal, suddenly you can't get rid of the last few lbs, no matter how much you try. What's going on?

What may be happening is that you are coming close to leaving your comfort zone. Suddenly, the dream can actually become a reality and it is scary. What if, when you get slim and have this treatment and you get pregnant and have a baby, what if you can't cope. What if, what if, what if? You may not even be aware that you have these worries, but if they are sitting there in your subconsious mind, it could be a powerful tool that prevents you from successfully losing the last bit of weight. What do you think TG?
 
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Mrs L and AJ

I'd read so much about people being scared of losing weight, and actively hanging on to it before I lost this weight myself. I used to laugh at this! How can that be? What do you mean, you're scared of losing weight? Everyone who's overweight wants to lose weight! and so on.
And then what do you know, that's EXACTLY where I found myself ending up!! This was quite a moment for me and flagged a number of issues, but primarily, what is my life going to be like when I can't blame everything on my weight? And now that I've lost 6 and a half stone and am living through the 'what exactly has changed?' feelings...well it's been a rollercoaster!
Not for a moment do I regret, or feel anything less than amazing physically that I've lost so much weight. But the problems that I had before are all still here and all need to be dealt with - with or without weight loss!!

Making the decision to start management is huge for me. It feels like I'm drawing a line under a significant period of unhappiness/frustration and moving on. Yes, it does feel scary. Yes, it's definitely all about leaving a comfort zone which has been with me for a long time. Yes, it's not exactly how I planned to do it originally - but it's time. At the risk of sounding way too dramatic, it's time to start LIVING! And living doesn't mean eating, it means facing everything without my weight being the primary concern/blame factor/reason for being and ultimately defining everything that happens to me by my weight.

So now that I've finally accepted the fear factor, I think it's taken me 2 months to pull together a strategy and some tools and support to go to the next stage. And I do truly believe that I have these. When my problems in Development started, I was terrified. I could not face the possibility of failure, or the the possibility of success. How twisted is that? I think I've always known that a complete break wouldn't be right for me but I was so terrified of saying 'I'm going into management' because for me, starting management early was a version of 'I've not done it properly', or 'I've failed' But I know now that this just simply isn't true.

AJ - I think it's really interesting to view the TA states we all know so much about. My adapted child has never played a part in my LL journey. My rebellious child (even throughout my long period of total abstinence) however has been a huge voice for me. I'm so much more aware of where this voice comes from now and why it's so much stronger than some of the others. My adult voice has finally spoken up - hurrah! I LOVE my adult voice - so calm, reassuring, assertive and has a sense of humour! I'd so lost my sense of humour over the last 2 months...

Mrs L - I had no idea that the sugar crash was a big issue on VLCD's. I am so with you on the liberation of eating permitted/real food rather than the bingefest that Development has brought on for me. It's exactly what I want. A 'version' of management which lets me inch forward at a pace which doesn't feel too scary, and allows me to carry on learning as oppose to 'well that's done now so lets fill up the fridge'. And as I posted earlier, there has to be some flexibility for those who simply have to stop (for whatever reason), but are committed to their weight loss and the programme, albeit a flexible version of the programme!

Decisions, decisions...it's been a long haul these last couple of months. But now that I've made some I feel so much better. And of course the scales are reflecting this! :D
 
Thanks Amanda Jayne.

I am very interested in hearing you say you did most of the plan in adaptive child. What's interesting about that is that - obviously - being in that mode and obeying the rules means you project an aura of having succeeded and achieving your goals BUT there were still lessons to be learned.

I have felt guilty for my continual lapses but - comparing this to your analysis - my time in rebellious child is not very much different from your time in adaptive child except that your ego state allowed you to follow the plan while mine creates diversions. I have felt particularly guilty in group knowing some people didn't deviate from the plan once and I felt like the naughty kid in the class. I wanted to scream that I was trying hard too... Now I see that they have their hurdles ahead of them because they were both very much adaptive children as well. We all have our trials at some point!

I also think you are right about challenging the comfort zone. I admit I sometimes wonder if I will go through all this and not be able to conceive anyway. I have also felt quite intense jealousy over a friend who was obese and had PCOS and conceived the first month off the pill. I glare at overweight mothers on the bus and around town. I know that fat doesn't stop other people getting pregnant so inside I wonder if the answer really is that simple.

Anyway - update on last night - yep I put on the whole 8lbs I lost last week. But this morning I am feeling more in control. I'm having a day at home and will be kind to myself. I am swapping developers groups again because once again the group I've joined are all heading onto management. So onto a Tuesday meeting from next week and new people fresh from foundation. I told my counsellor about my 100 day plan and she agrees this is a good idea.
 
Developers - a question for you...

One of my original LL goals right back in Foundation was to understand how/why my weight had gone so high.
I think I'm finally working this one out.

The one and only exercise I'd not been able to do in my green book was the time-line exercise. The one where you plotted your weight against your age. I was quite flippant at the time about not being able to do it and just wrote it off.

I'm now spending quite a lot of time with this exercise and it's proving to be a real eye opener.

So, my question is around digging deep. Do you feel like you've got under the skin of your weight issues? Do you feel that your understanding of weight gain has improved, or has your perception of this area changed since starting LL?


:)
 
Hey Sandra :)

I wonder how all of your changes in groups is impacting on current state of mind? As I dont attend Development group and have a quick pop in instead, I do wonder if I'd have found things easier if I'd had the structure of a group.

When I put on 3lbs week before last, I knew I had (I actually thought it was a lot more than 3lbs) and of course I threw myself into choc-fest right up to weigh in, probably with some thoughts on well I've done it now so I may as well finish the job along with a good smattering of 'who cares?', 'so what?' and other very fine empowering beliefs!!!
And then the result on the scales give some clarity, and it's a big sigh of relief that it's over and the calm hits.
Any plans to keep the calmness in place?

:)
 
I do understand mine I think but it has a few strands.

Firstly, I had a very dysfunctional family. My mother and brother are both alcoholics. My sister and I both became obese. It's not difficult to see that we use food in the way my mother/brother use alcohol. Anyway, I know this to be true because a couple of weeks ago I posted about some financial issues and not sure if I was honest about the binge that went with that but I stuffed food in my mouth without really tasting it. It was pure and simple medication. So I have to be aware that when I'm sad, lonely, stressed, angry - food is always the way I have dealt with that and I need to find another way.

Secondly, I am a bit of a glutton/foodie. If I like the taste of something I often want more of it. There is a strong ribbon of decadence in my personality. I can express it in other ways but they often have kickbacks as well. So - need to tap into the simple life parts of my personality more. That does exist as well!
 
We're cross-posting at the mo!

I do think the changes in group have had an effect because I have lost the feeling of a group I people I started to get to know and could be honest with. In foundation, there people I really identified with. My recent developers group has been really good too and I felt I connected with some of the people but now I won't see them again either and it's a new lot.

In addition, I feel a bit like a failure (I know it's not that simple and there is internal dissent to that idea as well). I said last night that if I had followed the plan I would have lost 7 stone by now and be on the final straight. And that feeling is part of feeling like I've failed BUT also I am joining a new group and the first thing they will ask is how long I've been doing this for and when I say 6 months they will either expect me to have it all together and sorted or wonder why I still have 5 stone to lose.

BTW - you're so right about the eating right up to weigh in. I actually did quite consciously treat it like another 'last supper'.

Hmmm - ongoing calmness - not entirely sure but I do work better when I have a routine so I might start planning my days and weeks better. I am quite busy right now but that's no excuse to go off the rails. I'm away this weekend again and have already packed my foodpacks!
 
Girls

I just want to say WOW!

TG - there is SOOO much I want to say to you, right now, but can't! I must work! LOL!

Yes, the timeline for me was HUGE (no pun intended) so I am glad you are doing it. It was a shocker, to be honest.

Sandra - not sure if you saw my comment to you about mothering - it's a few posts back on this thread. After your comments here, I wonder if, at a subconscious level, there is huge ambivalence about being a mother (you didn't have a positive experience) - and ambivalence can be about doubt, not simply about lack of passion, if that makes sense.

Tonight I am going to write on here when I am babysitting!

Lots of love to you all.

Mrs Lxxxxxxx
 
So much to say! I am bursting with words today - Mrs L I'm working from home today and should be working on words of a different kind!!!

Anyway - Sandra, thanks for replying to my 'what's it all about?' question. Did you have all of that insight before you started LL? (I hope I'm not prying.) I'm just finding that things that I absolutely knew about, ie things that happened in the past, I'm now starting to really examine them and put the whole story together.
I too have a proper extravagent streak! And it hits all areas, particularly shoes, lipgloss (an addiction!!), treats, pampering, how I spend time with my friends...oh and of course food. I spare myself nothing (I'm single just now- so it's all about me!) I think this has been at the heart of my rebellious stampy spoilt child who has just been in proper deprivation mega huff for months now :) However, stampy spoilt child needs to learn!

Mrs L - I look forward to the updates when you're babysitting tonight :D
 
Developers - a question for you...

So, my question is around digging deep. Do you feel like you've got under the skin of your weight issues? Do you feel that your understanding of weight gain has improved, or has your perception of this area changed since starting LL?

Here goes, to answer your question:

I always thought I knew why I was overweight (when I wasn't in denial about it, which was most of my 30s to be honest) but that exercise in the Foundation book IS a real eye-opener.

This is where I am at, right now, I am nervous/curious to find out how I will end up eating - sometimes it's exciting, sometimes it's terrfiying, to be honest. I think that there is a part of me that says surely I CAN have my cake, AND eat it AND not put on weight anymore! Except it never was about cake, it was about pizza, pasta, bread, cheese - carb overload with some high fat things thrown in for good measure. I also resisted losing weight because I did not ever want to be a diet-bore or obsessional about food (having had an eating disorder, it affected my thinking). But I accept that I can't eat in the same way and I am not sure I will for one reason - for the first time in my life, I am getting to a size that I like. I have never been this size. In that respect, LighterLife has delivered. BUT what I am also conscious of is that this really is ONLY the beginning; whereas I used to feel so out of control that I would never get a grip on my weight, I am now thinking, maybe, just maybe, I might manage to get some control over this issue.

When I was bigger I could never imagine being the size I am now and I am still pretty detached about it but I am getting close to feeling - physically, at least - that I am nearly there. And if I can get there physically, then that's a good starting point for all the mental work. I've gone past the stage where you are TG, being afraid, because, actually, nothing has really changed day-to-day! So, that fear was spurious; the challenges of living remain. Having said that, I never thought that losing weight would change me BUT it has reduced the HUGE amount of anxiety that plagued me everyday. Does that make sense? It's one less thing to worry about.

My perception, however, has changed SO much, not least the fact that I very, very, very rarely accessed my adult voice before LighterLife. That's a shocker. It's as if I am seeing my life flash before me and it's not comfortable viewing. (I think several of us are going through this, aren't we?) I am also really beginning to get a handle on the addictive side of my personality, something that I just blanked out with food. I included a great quote from Elton on my blog about being numb (as an addict) and I can relate to that. Totally.

The weight, I really am beginning to understand, is symptomatic of everything else that is going on mentally (90%) and physically (10%). But it has a 100% physical manifestation, if that makes sense.

Suddenly, I can see my weight "story" as visible evidence of my internal state of mind. (That's why that Foundation exercise is so powerful; I seem to remember how saddened I was by it.) And maybe I can use that to my advantage in the future and not see weight gain as a sign of me being a greedy porker but that something is out of kilter. Why did I find Route to Management so hard? Because my whole life was completely out of control. And just like life BEFORE LighterLife, the signs were all there but I was ignoring them by...bingeing, beating myself up for bingeing and not addressing the real issues because I just didn't know how. LighterLife has been a fantastic springboard to find out more - to find out HOW I can address the issues.

I had a massive moment of clarity a few days ago when I realised that even though I have lost all this weight, my problems have not gone away. And so, in that sense, the work really is only just beginning. But I can, at least, recognise the warning signs. LighterLife has given me the tools to do that.

I don't know about any of you but I have always believed I was happy in my own company (only child and all that). When friends said they found it hard to be by themselves, I was...really quite amazed. But, guess what? I realise, as I type this, that I was also that person but I was so busy eating that I masked (well, completely squashed!) any chance of those feelings coming out.

So, I don't know if this answers your question! I fear I may have rambled.

As an aside, I have used this foodpack/break from RtM time to read up about food (recommended by others on here and on the blog) and managing my relationship with food. There are many insightful things in my reading (which I will share) but one fundamental thing I can see (but can't quite get a handle on yet) is that unless you stop seeing food as the enemy/unless you stop giving food all the power, nothing will really change in the long-term.

Today has been hard; I have eaten food, even though I was determined not to BUT I tried to listen to what my body was telling me and I felt better for eating (the first time). The second time was all about NOT wanting to face an issue (problems with the house). I was aware of it and the only difference was that defiant child (rebellious child) was not out of control. I ate half a scone and the other half is still in the kitchen. I'm not obsessing about the scone (the fact that I ate it) - not at all - but I have been trying to exert control OVER food (rather than the other way round) by deliberately leaving some. The chatterbox went crazy after I ate the scone BUT it has subsided. I also believe distraction therapy works here.

I don't think it's co-incidental, TG, that you are only now discovering your adult voice. You've probably (like me) been far too busy letting the other ego states have a free reign because you didn't know otherwise.

I think it's CD5 of the Management CDs that talks more about TA; it's fascinating. It mentions life scripts and I think this is worth the Developers looking at more closely. Have we become the scripts we wrote for ourselves by the time we were seven (yes, 7!) years old?

I started off Route to Management with a sense of failure (hacked off with Development) and I felt afraid of food (even though I never vocalised it in that way). My expert friend said it's no surprise, having lived off packs (she likened it to an anorexic regime and therefore transition will be hard)for all that time. I also started off RtM with the belief (dreamt up by myself!) that food could NEVER be enjoyed again. So that set up a cycle of anger within me and at myself; hadn't LL taught me ANYTHING?! You know the stuff. I really didn't trust myself to have a handle on the food - food STILL had all the power. And that's what leaving the food is all about - me trying to be a bit more adult and in charge.

My big challenge, now, will be to eat without feeling guilty; I am SOOO not there yet. I feel bad (now) about what I have eaten today - but God knows, it was all healthy (bar half a scone!) but I am going to have to eat again, properly. In a guilt-free way. And maybe I have to start understanding that if I give my body time and space, it will tell me what it needs and I can, in my adult state, listen and respond. In a loving way. My LLC says, "Ask yourself, what loving thing can you do, for YOU?"; I think that's powerful because we have all been busy doing the complete opposite.

The other thing I want to mention, TG, is the whole sugar/adrenaline connection; I'll find out more about it but for us VLCDers, sugar is like heroine. Or crack cocaine ie highly addictive, particularly after abstinence.

I think that's enough posting for now. The thing is, once you start getting into all this, you realise that there isn't time to eat. Not really. Ha ha!!

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxx
 
Mrs L! What a FABULOUS post! Thanks for giving it so much time :D you're right - who's got time to even think about food with the lightbulbs going off every 2 minutes, the reading, the posting... :D

Lots and lots to think about based on everything you've said. I'm really getting somewhere on my time-line. I discovered an absolute horror which occurred when I was in primary school so I'm definitely there on the 'creating a life script when you were 7'.

I came back from the gym tonight and started to do some work. I started to feel very hungry (probably way too much cardio) So I sat and thought 'ok, what do you want to eat?' Mentally flicked through the entire list of binge stuff (Cadbury's should think about 'Crack Chocolate' as a new brand) and couldn't summon up any kind of appetite for any of it. Weird. This time last week I would've got in the car and driven off to find it. I then thought about savoury carb stuff. Nope nothing doing there either. I finally decided that the only thing I really fancied was a piece of grilled chicken!! Of course, in my current pre RtM state, I have no food in the house so there was no chance of that. So I stuck the kettle on and had a coffee with my bar.

This morning I had to go and buy milk as I had lots of bods coming to see me at home. I decided I would go into my local Italian Delhi to see if I could be tempted into caving in. So in I went, had a good old look around at the usual delicious cakes. Nope, nothing doing there either.

So...does this mean that I am finally moving on? Once is a one off, twice a coincidence and three times is a pattern (as they say) So maybe it does! Maybe? Tomorrow is a run of 4 days in abstinence. I'm delivering an all day workshop. There will be a huge fabulous lunch for 40 arriving at 12.30. I have to stay for lunch as it's my gig. Will I get through it? If I can pass my current pathetic record of 5 days abstinent before a slip occurs I know I will get under this weight threshold that I've been in a holding pattern with for 9 weeks now!! 9 weeks....phew. With the mental breakthroughs this could be my most significant LL moment - eek.


Eating without feeling guilty, trying out new strategies like leaving stuff half eaten...you are winning the war. You are! It occurred to me this week that if I'd sailed through Development I would've reached goal at the end of Aug, and instead of my usual wailing thoughts 'why are you doing this to yourself? why can't you just get back on track?' etc. I actually thought, 'would you have had these insights if you'd finished at the end of Aug?' D'you know what? I know 100% that I wouldn't have.

Can you remember that thread about feeling guilty as losing weight this way is all a bit too easy? I can now totally see another side of this issue. I've always been the absolute role model of 'learning from my mistakes'. Nothing has ever fallen into my lap. I've always battled for everything I've really wanted. That's what I do! I'm a battler!! So whilst I accept that I, for once, really didn't want to battle this one - that's exactly what I'm doing. It feels strangely comforting. Of course I'm sure that there must be an element of self-fulfilling prophecy in there somewhere! But like you, I am winning right now. And that's because I'm learning. I don't know it all yet, and there are plenty of battles on the horizon to come, but I'm definitely learning.

A bit of fake it til you make it could be in order; imagine what management could be like if it was really easy...and all you had to do was go with the programme...and everything just magically fell into place...

Yep - I'm taking that one off to bed with me to ponder over!

Talk soon x x x
 
honestly I dont post for a couple of days and there is loads to catch up with! Sorry this is long!

Mrs L, your packs with flexibility sounds like a great idea. I am wondering whether you are mostly in ketosis or out whilst doing this? I know your aim isn't to be in ketosis but was just wondering. I am doing packs with cups of coffee at the moment so am having some milk, hoping to knock this on the head soon but for now the flexibility has been a lifesaver, dietwise.

TG, I gave up on CD after about 3 days. I didn't like the ready made up packs although I have been told since they are much nicer cold and the bars were also not great,although better than LL. Half the reason for considering the switch was for the convenience of bars and tetra-brix so there wasn't a great deal of point continuing. Also I felt a bit that I wasn't in either camp and dropping down to 3 packs a day was a big problem for me. I would have got used to it eventually I suppose but decided to call it a day. A friend on CD has bought the left over stuff off me and insisted on giving me the full value so I haven't lot out financially anyway. Its not a problem with the diet, its just that it wasn't going to give me enough benefit to warrant the mental upheaval of switching.

It is an interesting comment you and Amanda Jayne have made about feeling comfortable slipping back into hold habits and one I can very much relate to although it hadn't registered until I read it on here.

AJ your comment about fat being safe is also very timely. I have used it for years as an excuse not to try anything whereas I my real reason for not trying was in case I failed - and in my case not succeeding 100% meant 100% failure. This is one of the biggest changes in me since doing LL. I have fallen off the wagon a few times now and absolutely refuse to beat myself up about it. I have had these eating habits for 25 years or more and they are not going to go in 7 months. Despite my recent struggling I can see the difference between now and last year - previously a slight slip would result in a full blown breaking of diet and not just for a day or two but for months. OK a couple of times I have eaten for several days but eaten fairly small amounts. More importantly - I have realised what I am doing and stopped. I know I shouldn't be eating anything - LL is all about abstinence - but I am realising that I am learning as I go. Does this make sense? Its a big change for me!

I realise I have done most of the program in adaptive child but am now struggling with nurturing parent, any ideas of how to get out of this "voice"? I am answering back a lot more (old habits die hard) and its working sometimes.

Sandra - there are two of us left in our development group and the other one has also stuck to the plan all the way through. She is aware that she is going to have her hurdles to tackle soon as she has also been in adaptive child all the way through. She thinks I am brave to eat - I think she is fantastic for not doing so! I have felt very guilty about eating when she hasn't. I am aware as I have put above that I am learning from the times I have broken abstinence although I am also aware that is has to stop.

Sandra - how are you doing today?

TG, I did the timeline exercise with almost nothing on it. There is still almost nothing on it. My weight has just increased and increased from the time I started earning my own money and could start buying food to suppliment the meagre rations I was given at home. All three of us were always hungry - we weren't systematically starved but were just never quite given enough to eat. Same story now - if any of us visit our parents we still never get enough so usually buy stuff to suppliment the meals with. OK we would probably do this anyway to help out but our main motivation is to fill ourselves up! Its a bit of a standing joke that my parents share a chicken breast for sunday lunch. Anyway with my first weeks wages I bought a loaf and some sandwich spread and hid it under the bed so I could fill myself up after dinner. I soon switched to biscuits, crisps and chocolate which were all much better to store and this quickly became a habit of 25 years although its a long time since I hid it under the bed!

I always felt inadequate too but am not sure why. Maybe it was having a younger brother who was always better at everything - there was no point trying because he would always come out with the best score. I can remember this with horseriding - I had been going round in a circle in a field for months and he was off hacking, although he had started lessons after me. Hmm this one needs a bit more thought. Both brothers are brilliant actually but the youngest is more like me so doesn't really try.

So I would say my understanding of my weight gain has improved but I am not under the skin of it yet and am not sure I ever will be totally. However I am still having insights so again I feel I am still learning. All three of us have somewhat addictive personalities and mine could easily have been booze or drugs but food became my addiction of choice whereas my brothers both veered towards drink - one has been saved by his wife and the other had pancreatitis which almost killed him when he was 25. Luckily he was at the Doctors when he collapsed and had help instantly they reckon if he had been at home he would have died. Anyway he saw the light and changed his ways but it does seem to be ingrained in all three of us.

Sandra - don't worry about what your new group think, they will have their own demons to face or will be facing them already. If you don't want to tell them you have been having problems just say you lose weight quite slowly or something along that line, you don't have to give them any further information unless you want to.

Mrs L, I agree. I never heard my adult voice before LL, didn't know I had one - bit like my collarbone!
Happy in my own company? I have always thought its very important to be happy in my own company and have taken this to a level where I have had days off work to spend alone when DH has worked away. I am now realising that sometimes I am actually lonely (when he is away and DD is in bed). I can't always be on the phone or texting. It was a bit of an eye opener the first thought record I did where I identified loneliness as the trigger.

Anyway I wanted an early night and its taken me hours to type this!
G'night.
 
Hi
its the middle of the night and I'm lurking after a dissatisfactory discussion with my partner - who obviously wasn't bothered by it as I can hear him sleeping next door. Essentially he blamed me and some of my behaviour for his anxieties - which I think is a major cop out considering I've been encouraging him for the last 7 years to emerge from the cocoon he was in when I met him. Humpf.

Anyway, I was okay today. Started off well but ate my first 3 packs too early and panicked mid afternoon and had a bit of a binge attack. However, it was nowhere near as bad as the way I've been eating lately so I still see this as progress. Maybe a bit like a stepping stone? I am expecting Friday to be an abstinent day and the weekend as we are away in Manchester and I've only packed foodpacks. So no excuses!

At 5pm I realised I am having a rather severe constipation problems. I'd had steadily getting worse abdominal pain all day but thought that was something else. I guess this is a side effect on te eating I'd been doing. Anyway, managed one way or another to clear a bit of what was banked up and I'm no longer in pain - so just have to hope I can get moving tomorrow properly.

I was going to say htat I hadn't noticed an increase in sugar cravings but then I've always had a tendency to prefer sugary things. If anything my cravings have reversed. I have grabbed crisps and savoury things for binges when I never really ate them before. The times I have returned to my old friend chocolate, the experience has always been a disappointment... Not sure what that says.

I have been thinking about the types of food I choose to binge on. I have craved fruit and veg since doing this diet because I ate a lot of fresh foods like that and the packs can feel stale and artificial really quickly. But I never binge on those things. I think it's because a binge is 'out of the ordinary' activity and we therefore choose out of the ordinary foods - treat foods or special things. I think this means I don't have to worry that I will suddenly turn into a junk food queen after finishing the diet. My normal diet will be healthy fresh foods but I'll have to watch those out of the ordinary moments.

Not sure about the script at age 7 because I was a skinny lanky child at 7. My parents argued a lot but I wasn't aware of anything else going on. Something bad happened to me at age 8 actually and by age 10 I was 10 stone. In hindsight I am amazed my teachers didn't notice the rapid transformation. I don't remember a lot about that time and don't remember overeating or wanting to or my thoughts or feelings so it's hard to trace my behaviours. But it certainly seems clear my body image script developed after age 7.

Finally (I'm going to try to get to sleep now), TG asked if my analysis of my problems pre-dated LL and I would have to say it did - although LL has helped with the process. The fact is I had a very troubled teenage experience including suicide attempts. This is a long story really (I don't mind telling it but it's backstory now) but the short version is that after years of treating myself badly and with no self-respect, I finally managed to become a fulltime student at age 25. The three years I was at university, I used the counselling service and got to the bottom of a number of my issues. The most important of these for me was how I felt growing up in that family. I also attended group sessions run by an eating disorder group on campus. Both experiences helped a lot. Rebuilt my self-esteem and allowed me to understand the causes of my anxieties. After that stopped gaining weight. But no matter how active I became and how healthily I ate, I just couldn't reduce my calories enough to lose the weight I had piled on. But when I think about the person I was aged 16, I have come a long way and I know I've got something inside that's strong enough to deal with anything.
 
I don't have much time, as I am supposed to be making my packed lunch for today, but I just have to post to say how amazing your posts are - each one is like a rare, precious, gem - such quality.

Helen, Sandra, Tiger, Mrs L I am so lucky to have found this thread - it much surely be the best on Minis! Thank you all for your insights and honesty. Your thoughts and words are priceless to me and I know that anyone else reading your messages will leave the thread just as impressed!

I really have to go...cottage cheese and sliced red peppers have to be prepared! Hope to have time to chat later.

AmandaJayne
 
I haven't been posting much lately - combination of being busy and not feeling that inspired by some of the topics on here at the moment. I guess when you've been on the LL treadmill for 6 months, the same old things come up again and again. As much as I want to support newer members on minis - I have my own issues to deal with right now and the current topics aren't addressing them...

I am just really struggling. :( I am positive that I don't want to give up so short of my goal - and at a weight that other people start LL on - but I don't seem to be winning the battle against my chatterbox right now. Each day I start off feeling positive and aiming to be abstinent and invariably at some point in the day, I fall in that hole in the road. The metaphor doesn't work for the next bit - but the last couple of weeks I have found myself thinking 'oh well, I've lapsed now - I might as well make the most of it and have other things I want'.

I KNOW this is crooked thinking. I just don't seem to be strong enough to argue against it. I keep trying and keep failing.:badmood:

This behaviour is really costly to me as it lengthens the time I need to be on the programme. It is also damaging to my morale. I also suspect it is not healthy for the body.

I keep wondering if I've just hit my brick wall on the diet.:banghead:

Thoughts on a postcard appreciated!
 
Sandra,
Sorry you've hit a LL wall. The cycle of trying and failing feels very much the same as normal dieting doesn't it? Soul destroying! LL broke that cycle for me quite nicely at the beginning but then foundation finished and I felt so much better than when I started and the small cheats became bigger cheats etc etc and the weight loss ground to a halt! Plus I'm slightly annoyed with myself that I would have been nearly finished by now had I not gone AWOL.
Does your LLC have a refresher class going at the moment. Would you feel like joining that, I only say that because my LLC has been fab and started a strugglers/refresh group seperate from the normal developers group. It can make you feel so much worse to be with people who are doing the plan to the letter (good on them, but none of us are alike!) The cycle needs breaking by something even if it means taking a breather from LL and maintaining your weight loss for a few months (is the maintenance programme an option?) before going back to it. I suppose it depends on how flexible your LLC is, some are better than others. Anyway I hope you find some good answers, its a hard journey and some people reach their destination on the motorway whilst others take the scenic route! Take care x
 
Hi Sandra

I'm having the same trouble. I started 11th April and have lost 77lbs so far.
A week ago I went on holiday and gave in and ate for the first time since I started. When I weighed in last week I had lost 1.5lb which my LLC was happy about, I wasn't as I had lost 6lb on my scales upto the day before I went away. I had put on 4.5lb in a week.
Now I can't stop myself from picking little bits of food even though I still need to lose another 5st.
I know its going to cost me more to get to goal if I carry on like this but I can't seem to stop myself.
I have my meeting tonight not looking forward to it, and don't know if I want to admit I have been eating, not sure what my LLC will say.
 
The new group seems nice but I managed to hijack the meeting a bit. I really didin't want to as most of these have just come out of foundation and are really motivated. I sent my LLC an email yesterday so we could discuss my issues privately and she got the wrong end of the stick and thought I was not coming to the meeting! Usually she's really good but she got it totally wrong this time.

So I did raise the problems I'd been having and everyone chipped in with good suggestions and comments. I just felt bad that I'd brought the tone of the meeting down.

Anyway - no change in my weight so at least I don't have a gain to deal with. (but September stats are looking really bad!) I have arranged a pop-in on Saturday and will make a real effort in the next few days to get into ketosis again and be abstinent.
 
Sandra,
Good luck and sending positive vibes for your return to ketosis, it really does make a difference if you can get a run of abstinence together, I started afresh on 1st September. I had been messing around for 3 months firstly cheating here and there but staying in ketosis then eating anything and everything. But back in ketosis and the weight seems to be falling off again although I have thrown myself into a new exercise regime, Rosemary Conleys Salsasize dvd is good fun! New mantra is 'no exceptions' when it comes to food and exercising everyday and it seems to be helping, early days though. Take Care x
 
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