The journey continues!

Discussion in 'Exante - Diaries' started by cybill, 22 February 2011 Social URL.

  1. cybill

    cybill Gold Member

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    OK, having been on this 3.5 months, I figure starting a diary may help me to break through this wall I've hit at the moment. I'm in the mid-16's and I'm terrified of getting into the 15's and going further. I've never done it before, it's a journey into the unknown and I keep sabotaging myself.

    I've decided to try and start a diary to see if I can use it to help me identify what's going on and find a way through it.

    I think somehow big / fat / large feels like part of my identity and I'm nervous about what that will mean if I lose it... will it change how I relate / interact with people. I'm struggling to put my finger on what exactly it is that I'm scared of.

    As a teenager (I first put on large amounts of weight aged ~12) I explained it to myself that the thin, pretty, beautiful people were shallow, superficial, just relied on their looks / changed who they were to get on with boys... and I was proud that because of my weight, I couldn't rely on my looks, but instead developed my personality. I think this has got a bit ingrained, and somewhere I'm worried that if I lose the weight... and presumably feel more attractive as a result, that I may adjust my behaviour in the way I saw others doing when I was a teenager. I know at some level that this is totally daft, as I'm 36, and unlikely to suddenly revert to being an immature 13 year old... but I think this is what I'm nervous of.

    I've done a lot of work in the last few years on learning to value and respect myself, and finally realise the importance of looking after myself and treating my own needs as important - so I don't think I'm in the danger I would have been when I was younger, of adjusting my behaviour to suit other people. I think, had I been more attractive as a younger person, I would potentially have behaved in a way that put my identity in other people's hands.

    Maybe I'm just nervous that when I meet people for the first time, it will be different. I think people will respond differently to me... as when I was close to 22stone, I was a big person, as well as a big personality... now it will be my personality that goes first I guess... maybe I'm nervous about that. Perhaps the weight has been something that I've hidden behind.

    I know I'm handling it better this time than previously. I'm starting to stand up to my real height, rather than slouching to try and hide my height - people are suddenly realising that I'm ~5ft10 tall, and they'd not realised before. Perhaps I am ready to just get on and be the person I am, and not keep this weight as some kind of perverse security / comfort blanket.

    So I guess now I need to own up to my behaviour today. I was looking after my daughter and then a friend's daughter today. Breakfast & lunch were fine, I kept to TS. But then mid-afternoon I did drinks and snacks for the 2 girls, and I ate one of their biscuits. (Bad, but not too bad.) However, then I'd got the taste for it, and once the other girl had gone home and I'd put our daughter to bed I then went and found the packet and devoured several more. It's ridiculous, they're not even biscuits I particularly like - but I'm hovering at that mid-16's, and I know this will have put off the 15's for another day or two. Argggggg.... right, time to commit that tomorrow I will stay totally TS for the whole day, no if's, but's, maybe's.

    Sorry, this is a really waffly, roundabout post, it's me just trying to work through it, and writing it down will hopefully help. I also hope, that by me writing it down in public, somehow I will be a bit accountable to you guys, rather than just hiding my behaviour and letting it escalate.

    Here's to tomorrow... and a whole TS day.
     
    Last edited: 1 May 2012
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  3. JoanneM

    JoanneM Gold Member

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    Youve done so well so far Rachel and you know you can continue to do so. Just hang on in there.
     
  4. cybill

    cybill Gold Member

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    Thanks Joanne, I'm just trying to take it a day at a time. I've found today hard, but I think that's just trying to get back into ketosis. I've managed to stick to it today (although I'm finding this evening hard - I feel like I could eat the sofa, so may go for an early night!)

    I had a couple of comments today - positive ones about how well I'm looking - glad that after 5 stone people are finally starting to notice! And now just trying to keep at it, an hour / day at a time. Well, here's to day 1 100% :)

    Hopefully I can get through tomorrow too, and be back on the road to ketosis... and hopefully some weight loss when I get to weigh-in on Saturday.
     
  5. KatHmum

    KatHmum Full Member

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    You can do it, I find an early night works wonders. You have come so far. Think about your next baloon!
     
  6. Divster

    Divster Banned

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    I know it's scary, but you can and will do it! :D

    Sent from my Nexus One using MiniMins
     
  7. JoanneM

    JoanneM Gold Member

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    It took about 4/5 stone before people started commenting with me as well Rachel. Well done on getting through the day.
     
  8. cybill

    cybill Gold Member

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    Well, today's going well so far; but last night, having been really good, before bedtime I decided to eat a pork sausage thing from the fridge. Actually read the packet after I'd eaten it and realised I'd eaten over 600 calories worth! Oopsy. Well, back on track again today, determined to fight through this, and find a way to get to the 15's. Not got great expectations for weigh-in tomorrow, but with any luck I will at least stay the same.

    Now to try and persuade our little girl to go to sleep... and hopefully then I can have an early night without derailing and munching more food!
     
  9. cybill

    cybill Gold Member

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    Hmm, thank you Divster for the panic button post. I'm finding the article on sabotage really helpful in the LL forum http://www.minimins.com/lighter-life...tage-help.html (Self-Sabotage - HELP!)

    And the link to the stuff about self concept in there. I realise that I still very much see myself as big, fat, large... etc - and have done since I was at primary school. Although I've worked on my confidence and self-image, big is still very much part of how I see myself. So I really need to work on my new self concept. Since I was a kid I've been really drawn to elephants, the house is decorated with them, and I think I've associated myself with them... reading the stuff about self concept etc, I think I need to find a new animal, and I'm thinking perhaps the flamingo. I love bright pink, and wear it a lot, so thinking a beautiful, tall, elegant, pink animal would be a good association for me.
    I think this weekend I will make myself a poster - I've been putting it off for weeks now, and I know in the past it's helped me with other goals, if I put it down on paper and keep looking at it. So my aim is to illustrate my new set of goals and to start trying to visualise the new me, and get rid of my 'big' association. (I think this may take a while... but hopefully it will be a way forward to prevent myself sabotaging myself.)

    1 day now completed sticking to the plan.
     
  10. Pingu6

    Pingu6 Gold Member

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    Good luck for today hon, TS for me too today!
     
  11. Divster

    Divster Banned

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    I love the flamingo idea! Maybe its even time to ebay off the elephants?

    Just one thing....look at your photo of your 5 balloon, to me it looks like you are still hiding behind it! Its strange as I know the balloon represents what you have lost, and I love the idea of doing this, but still think you are hiding! I want to see Rachel in the next one! I dont mean that to sound horrid and hope it dont come across that way, what do you think? xx

    If you look for more posts from KD, they are all quality reads. Have a look at the area on here names bring your head inside, also some good reads on there Bring your Head Inside and your Body will Follow - MiniMins.com - Weight Loss Support Forum
     
  12. Divster

    Divster Banned

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    Also, what about the Beck diet solution book? You can work through it while in this, I am going to get it myself
     
  13. Divster

    Divster Banned

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    "The Beck Diet Solution: Train your brain to think like a thin person"
    Judith S. Beck; Paperback; Amazon £6.69 Works with any diet
     
  14. cybill

    cybill Gold Member

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    You're right about hiding behind the balloon, my cousin said the same thing... so I think the next one, it will be me in front of the number 6.... with any luck in the next couple of weeks!

    Ooh, I'd not heard about the Beck book, that sounds a good one for me to read next. Feeling good today, I went for a 9 mile cycle ride, and have stuck to the plan again, so 2 days in a row now :)

    It's daft, when I started this, I happily went 3.5 months following TS and adding in AAM days... and then the last few weeks... as I'm approaching 'overweight'... my head just lost it. The posts you've suggested are brilliant, I'd never really looked beyond the Exante area on this forum, really helpful to see the advice out there.
     
  15. Divster

    Divster Banned

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    Loads of really good stuff on this whole forum, hope your fall wasnt too bad ;) xx
     
  16. cybill

    cybill Gold Member

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    Just got a bruise on my bum where I fell off my bike, but OK really :) Quite glad I've fallen off it actually... sounds a bit daft, I know, but I was nervous about it... and now it's happened, all OK, I feel more confident. (I think my brain's a bit screwy!)

    Managed another day on plan so far, feeling pleased with myself. Been quite tired, ratty and headachey the latter half of today... hoping it's just getting back into ketosis - as this is the end of my third day on plan again.

    Feeling pleased I've now lost 5 1/2 stone... but so determined to get to my number 6 balloon soon. Hoping that if I increase my exercise this week too, that maybe I'll get there sometime in the next couple of weeks.
     
  17. cybill

    cybill Gold Member

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    Ooops, thought I'd posted that lost yesterday. Well, now coming to the end of day 4 on plan, feeling a lot better today, presumably back in ketosis. Really excited that in the next week or so I may actually get into the 15's!
     
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  19. cybill

    cybill Gold Member

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    OK, set my goal as half way through the normal BMI range, which will also be half my highest ever weight. Really excited to find that I'm over half way there already.... woohooooo!
     
  20. *lil*

    *lil* Gold Member

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    Hope your bums better now hehe ! Im like that with ice skating, scared to death of falling over but once your down your down lol and you know its not as bad as thought!
    Your doing really well, fingers crossed you get that next balloon really soon!! - and make sure you stand proudly next to it!! :)
     
  21. cybill

    cybill Gold Member

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    Woohoo, 5 days in a row on track - maybe I'm getting back in the zone! It's still a bit of a struggle each day, but taking it a bit of a day at a time, and really pleased with myself.

    I've ordered the Beck book, as it sounds just what I need at the moment, to help me target the issues in my head. I went and looked at some clothes at lunch time, and it's exciting to think that I can start to shop in normal shops... feels slightly daunting, as I've been going to shops like Evans since I was about 14.... a whole new world is on my doorstep... I'll need to work out which shops even sell my sort of style clothes! The fun to be had - so feeling a bit excited and daunted about that at the moment - I think the excitement will win though. (Now to sell some of the big clothes on ebay, to create some cash to spend on smaller clothes!)

    A friend at work asked me about my weight the other day, we'd both done LL a few years ago, so I've given her a few sample packs today; maybe she'll join in the fun. I was talking to another friend and he's now lost about 3 stone so far this year after I gave him some packs after Christmas... maybe I should get commission!
     
  22. cybill

    cybill Gold Member

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    6 days in a row, hurrah :)

    Just been watching biggest loser, and really inspired seeing them carry the rucksacks full of stones, weighing the same as they weight they've lost. It's scary thinking about it. Assuming a brick weighs about 5lb, I've now lost the weight of 15 house bricks... glad I don't have to carry that much weight around all day every day any more!

    I was chatting with a friend at work today, and she said that last week she'd seen me, but hadn't recognised that it was me! She's known me about 10 years, so I was really chuffed that my profile has changed that much (so hard to see it in ourselves!) I'm really looking forward to my weigh-in on Saturday to see how far I've come this week.

    Now just got to get through this dangerous evening time! Time for some more water :)
     
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