~ The Journey From Rock Bottom Diary ~

Discussion in 'Weight Loss Diaries' started by LushRetro, 6 May 2014 Social URL.

  1. LushRetro

    LushRetro Member

    After 20 years of over-eating, emotional binging, low moods, being bullied at school and by family members about my weight and a verbally abusive ex-husband that made my sagging self-esteem hang even lower...I have been left with the belief that diets don't work for me; that I am a fat failure and the three stone of excess fat that I am carrying is the total sum of me. I am just that... a living embodiment of 'fat.'

    The excess weight is only part of my baggage... but it is the visible evidence that I am not and have not been living my life to the full. I don't like holidays, social events, family get-together's, nights out, nights in, parent's evenings, shopping trips, sex... anything where people have to look at me. The part of my mind that lives in fear of constant rejection screams... 'They are judging you as the fat waster that has no self-discipline.' So I quickly convince myself... I hate these occasions with a passion…anything that takes me outside of the non-judgmental security of my four walls.
    The thing is... I know deep down on the inside that I am a social butterfly that wants nothing more than to spread her wings and learn to fly; I love the thought of being able to walk into a room... a party... an event.... a shop...and not feel ugly and fat. I don’t have to feel stunningly beautiful… just acceptable; normal; slim.

    I am now the grand age of 38... and I have had enough. I no longer want be the fat sister (as my sister has called me); the chubby wife (as the Ex called me); the mother that wobbles as she walks; the insecure overweight fat mess (that I have called myself)...I am not one for swearing but I have f**king had enough. I've hit rock bottom... there must be more in this life than being fat and medicating the self loathing with food... surely?

    I've spent years crying and screaming... sulking... moping... contemplating ending it all (albeit briefly... I could never leave my children) and I really have reached the point of no return; rock bottom. For me it’s either being a success, losing weight and living a life… or carry on over-eating due to uncomfortable emotions and then morbid obesity followed by death... dying after a life only half lived. Many people could only dream about having what I have… an able body; two loving children; living in a wealthy First world country where your dreams are very obtainable… the world is an open book to me and I haven’t had the balls to even take it off the shelf.

    I know my inability to eat well and look after myself stems from chronic low self-esteem and that needs to be treated cognitively. A diet book or club that shows me how to do points/syns/carb counting etc, just won't cut it for me. I have diplomas and NVQ’s in Diet & Nutrition; I know the right things to eat for physical well-being. But I need more. I need a total self-image overhaul... I need something to start helping me change my ingrained behaviours and negative self-beliefs. After managing to stop smoking with Paul McKenna over fifteen years ago... I believe his methods of tackling weight loss through altering behaviours and thought processes are the way forward. Dieting on its own just doesn’t work for me. Why haven’t I gone down this root before? Because it is; at first; bloody hard work… it’s so easy to reach for food when things go wrong rather than looking within myself and riding out those uncomfortable emotions, those cravings, those temptations…

    This diary will be my journey of success… I would normally say ‘and failures’ but I refuse to let that notion enter my head. I cannot fail again. I will not fail again. If I do take my eyes off the prize, I will be back on the plan straight away. This diary will also be a place where I ramble, vent and generally lay down my thoughts. It may be unpretty at times… but that’s because it will be a truthful account. Thanks for letting me share my journey on a public forum… it feels empowering… speaking out is something in reality that I find very difficult… :)

    I have bought McKenna’s ‘I Can MakeYou Thin’ book and CD and it should arrive by post tomorrow… I am excited, hopeful and soooo bloody determined this time. This is it!!!
  2. Avatar

    MiniMins.com Matched Content

    Register a free account with MiniMins and join in the conversation!
  3. LushRetro

    LushRetro Member

    Ok... this morning was weigh-in day, the starting point of my journey - I am... 13st 10lbs.

    I am 5ft 6 .... so 31.0 on the BM Index, that is also known as Obese. I am also small boned... and I don't carry my excess weight particularly well. I am currently a dress size 18.
    I would like to get in to the 10 stone area... so my initial goal is 10stone 10 lbs.

    Three stone... 42lbs to go...
  4. LushRetro

    LushRetro Member

    I haven't got PM's book yet but I do know he suggests mindful eating, only eating when you're hungry, eat exactly what you fancy but stop as soon as you are full.
    I shall skip breakfast.... probably for the first time in a few years as I am never really that hungry until 12ish. It's going against modern 'dieting' rules that brekkie kick-starts the metabolism but I need to start listening to my body... and it is saying... no thanks, but a couple of coffees would be nice. I have also had a cple of glasses of water as I am thirsty... :rolleyes:

    I have a lunch out with some old work friends today... I normally cry off at the last minute as I hate putting my fat bod on show but today I really need to go. I need to push through those uncomfortable feelings and stop letting myself and other people down. A couple of the girls that are going are a few stone heavier than me and they are the life and soul of the party... they love life and to be honest are the most gorgeous hearted people I know. They have positive self-esteem and talk about food with lust, not like it's some filthy word, like I do. On an intellectual level I realise my inner-sadness isn't about being overweight... it's all about my low self-esteem...

    Anyway... I will choose whatever I fancy off the menu but I shall not drink alcohol... the one thing I need to be during the next few months, is clear minded.

    Right it's a lovely sunny day, time to take the little one out for some fresh-air.... onwards and upwards.

    Lizzy xx
    Last edited: 6 May 2014
  5. LushRetro

    LushRetro Member

    Even though I had been dreading it, I managed to have a lovely relaxed lunch meeting with the girls without feeling too self-conscious. I was dressed all in black (as usual) but I made an effort with my hair and I always wear a bit of make-up so I felt respectable-ish. I ordered a ham omelette, which came with a side order of chips and salad. I was that busy chatting in between mouthfuls, that I ate quite slowly and my stomach sent out the message I was getting full after eating around 2/3's of it. So I stopped. If felt quite empowering to be honest.... and I haven't even started the hypnosis CD yet. :D I also drank a soda water with ice and lime, normally a booze mellowed me would order a sweet, this time my main course was just enough. After two hours of giggles over lunch we had a walk around the village shops before heading back off in opposite directions home. A nice afternoon all in all.

    I have just eaten a small pot of yoghurt... I ate it all and enjoyed every mouthful... I'm not hungry at the mo so I shall maybe have some supper later... anyway time to stop thinking about food and get back on with living. Little one has had her tea, so it is now bath, story and bedtime and by 7pm I shall hopefully be sinking in to a hot bubble bath myself .:)
  6. tweekedgirl

    tweekedgirl Full Member

    Hi Lush, lovely to meet you. It really sounds like you're in the right place for this, and I wish you the best of luck. Stick at it - of course it'll be hard work at first, but it will all pay off in the end. Will keep checking back to see how you're getting on :)

Share This Page

This site uses cookies and its third-party providers also uses cookies. By using this site you agree to this notice and understand why we have cookies.