The LAST time!

[Madoody]

Hello cyber world. I tried to start this diary the other day and it lost everything I had written when I posted it.So for now, just a quick hello so I have motivation to keep writing and I will update it properly later.
This is my 3rd week on Exante, I have lost 15lbs in 20 days. I am 5ft7 and want to get down to 11.7,I started at 14.7.
I have kept a diary in the past on Cambridge and I found it invaluable, some days time just seems to drag and my conviction wavers, though I have never as yet cheated. I find it very hard to 'live' while on a vlcd,I seem to go into a coping mode day to day. Which I feel bad about as life isn't all about food and eating and it is far too short to wish it away!
any way, more from me later xx

 

[Madoody]

Today is actually a really tough day. I feel run down (kids have colds so I am fighting it I guess). I am hungry for the first time in a about a week. Someone in my friends on facebook just posted a picture of a full roast dinner with yorkshire puddings, dripping with gravy they have just cooked. I could cry. Melodramatic maybe, but hey.
Funny how it comes in waves. I have have numerous ok days and then the odd one that can near on break me and only sheer bloody-mindedness gets me through it. And that I have in spades, but it doesn't mean I don't get in a foul mood.
And speaking of the magical *will power*. Why can I have got to goal twice now but don't have the will power to moderate myself in normal life? That is the big question I suppose.

 

[Madoody]

...

 

[Madoody]

Fine diet-wise, 18lbs gone. R taking me to Amsterdam beginning of Nov so I have to come up with a plan.Mind you, having issues with the boy atm so not sure I should go.I deleted my post yesterday because it was miserable, but strangely it has actually not made it harder diet wise so far, I am in a better place in that respect than last week.

 

[Madoody]

1st10lb to go. Until I realised I had more than half to go I was feeling better lol! But I am pretty chuffed to have achieved this in less than 4 weeks,I am not being ungrateful,honest!
Last night I made picallilli for Christmas.And it lead to me thinking about all the Christmas things I plan on eating! Including my beautiful organic bronze turkeys I hatched in April Probably sounds like a terrible attitude, but I plan to be at goal and maintaining by then. And it would be lovely to have a guilt free but NOT EXCESSIVE Christmas,with control measures ready to go right after.January usually see's me with a mountain to conquer, not a mole hill. A mole hill is easy, provided it is conquered and not ignored that is.

I am undecided what to do for my trip to Amsterdam. If we are going on the 3rd of Nov I need to be thinking of what to do. Problem is I REALLY want to achieve another stone by then - well actually to be at least 12.7 (tho a stone would be awesome) which is only 10lbs. Do-able on shakes only sure, but the sensible thing to do would be to step up in preparation.I was thinking 810 (sorry Cambridge speak, but I know those plans inside out) the week before to give me maximum time - but if I am honest with myself, am I really going to stay in ketosis? Pfff! B****ks am I not going to drink.Equally I don't want to step up further because to do it properly I should be starting now and right now food is a definite NO. The low 12's are a danger zone for me, I am happy-ish there (NB.I know alot of people would think my goal of 11.7 is high, but on my frame it is pretty skinny). People are less understanding when you 'look' a healthy weight,it becomes much harder to get back on the wagon, I get a bit resentful of having to do it. But maybe I can do it? Maybe I can be careful (and doubt I could drink much anyway!) and come back and go back on 100% until goal. and maybe it will happen faster because things will have had a boost and I will see my goal is near?
I think positive visualisations need to become something I really try and do more of. I mean the reason I am even bothering with this journey again (aside from the fact I will NOT allow myself to spiral into total obesity again, that is the one thing I have achieved even with my yoyo-ing of recent yrs) is because my life has changed and will be considerably more next yr.I actually set out to get fit, but being heavier takes its toll on my knees, energy levels etc so felt this was the best plan of action. Why do I think this time will be different? Happy stable relationship.The feeling of a true family for the first time ever, a man who tries his hardest to share my burdens. And of course the fact that next year I will be living and working on a farm, not moping around a house grazing on sugary crap to make me feel better. Or because I'm bored, tired or *insert ridiculous reason here*. Besides...I want to wear a certain type of ivory frock next yr and I'm not doing that FAT!
I guess I should get off my big posterior and do something active.
Laters x

 

[Madoody]

Here, I am going to be brave.My motivation - before and after Cambridge. The before is the biggest I have ever been. I loathe that photo, it is like it is of someone else.After was 11.7 the last time I got to goal May 10. Sorry bout the trifle.

 

[time2go]

I love your thinking and typing! Your photos must b very motivational xx

 

[Madoody]

Thanks Time2go, they kind of are I guess. Equally they remind me of what I didn't take care of which allows doubt to creep in about what might happen this time. What you have achieved is amazing- nearly 5 stone! That is about the weight difference between my two photos.
xx

 

[time2go]

Thanks Time2go, they kind of are I guess. Equally they remind me of what I didn't take care of which allows doubt to creep in about what might happen this time. What you have achieved is amazing- nearly 5 stone! That is about the weight difference between my two photos.
xx

I've actually lost close to 8 stone.... Cannot see it though, typically! You are doing great xxxv

 

[Madoody]

It just occurred to me that if I add all my successful diets in the last 12 yrs (as in significant weight lost) up I have done lost over 18 stone not counting this time. The same 3-5.5 stone at a time,but that is phenomenal. The time,the effort, the tears...THE MONEY.What is more, the total of all the gains... I could be well over 30 stone by now. I should rename this 'diary of the yo-yo dieter'.I have to stop.

Urgh, this morning was a shock. Pitch black outside- I had to shower in the dark as the bulb has gone in the bathroom (not laziness preventing me from changing it, I think the fitting is knackered as it keeps blowing expensive halogen bulbs every couple of weeks). Still, could just about read the scales. 13.2. Put that in your pipe and smoke it Mrs Obesity. I joined the October challenge yesterday and pledged to lose 10lbs. The least of anyone on there! LOL, they all say 14lbs. Which I know is possible, but equally I KNOW from my vast vlcd experience of staying on the straight and narrow that even then, you have weeks where the scale doesn't agree,I don't want the pressure of 3.5lbs per week, even though it may happen. And secretly I want it to...I just hate failing

Better go get the kids dressed for school,they are currently engrossed in walking with dinosaurs. They are with their Dad tonight so I am off to Oh's farm after school drop off. Least I'll stay active, albeit having to endure all the food around me. I always arrive when they are eating breakfast (they have very odd mealtimes that evolved around milking) but yes, bacon haunts me. And OH's mother is the generation that does not understand diets, has no idea why anyone would want to and cannot believe I eat nothing (should add had heart bypass in 50's). Bless her though, she has kept her outspoken trap shut to me, but I know what she has said when one of their staff starts being particular about her lunch (say going low carb etc).Not that it matters to me really, I know why I am doing it.
Right must go!
Laters x

 

[Madoody]

I've only lost 2.2lbs this week. Was to be expected, I always have these slow weeks and then tend to lose 4/5 the following week. But this morning I woke up and didn't need to pee... I must be retaining water as that never happens. I feel pms'y, got lots of the symptoms but it has been 7 weeks and ketosis often stops me all together so who knows what is going on. I found last night a bit hard mentally after going to a school mum's house for tea for the kids and having to tell her I wasn't eating and having her have a go at me for doing 'that stupid diet again'. She has lost 2 stone on SW in the last 10 months(!), has a few more to go. She did CD twice a few yrs ago (not at all properly I may add!), blames it for 'slowing her metabolism' and messing up her attitude to food. I was very good, I said yes it does work very well if you stick to it, it just doesn't solve your food issues, That is your responsibility. Anyway, it didn't bother me hugely, she kept offering me food and putting sugar in my tea and stuff...but it was water of a ducks back at the time because I wasn't at all hungry. But when I got home I found myself feeling a bit deflated, not so optimistic. I actually don't want to tell people at all, so only do it when backed into a corner for this exact reason. It is my journey, not theirs. I notice from reading alot of diaries that the social thing seems a bit of an 'excuse' (among so many others too numerous to mention). I don't get it, I don't want to open discussion on the diet with people either,and don't want to offend people by refusing their hospitality. But honestly, I think their emotional turmoil at having a piece of cake rebuked does not really register on the scale of what emotionally would happen to me if I ate it and had to spend 3 days getting back into ketosis.It just isn't that important to people to see you eat.But I guess it is a pretty convenient way to justify it if you want to. I have a really great friend who has been on and off CD since 06. She never does it properly. She says she is always hungry when she does it so it makes no difference to her being in ket or not. I doubt she has ever been properly in ketosis. She doesn't get that the only thing that makes vlcds safe is the fact that ketosis reduces metabolisation of lean tissue, it protects your heart.I refused to sell her products when I was a cdc. I am seeing her tomorrow and she was going back on it just before I started this time again, and I know she will say 'I can't believe you are being so hardcore'and will be envious of how much I lost in the same time frame.It has happened every time. To me it is black and white,you either do it by the book or you stop. Fart-arsing about with it is not good for you, is not safe and makes it harder.It is hard enough already! And believe me, there have been times I have stopped knowing that I was starting to mess with it, I am not blowing my own trumpet. These diets work amazingly,but they only work as hard as you do!

 

[SecondTimeLucky]

Wishing you all the luck in the world, it's so helpful to read other peoples stories, keep going

 

[Madoody]

Thanks Claire, same back at ya!

Urgh. Mind games. I am absolutely 100% as usual,but yet I feel like I am gaining! Physically impossible, but there you go.
Haven't seen the scales go down in days.It happens, on the whole I ignore it, but still that little voice is there...'you'll be doing this forever...' I feel MUCH fatter than I did last time I was this weight. Doesn't help that I have been hungry again last 2 days.

Had a busy day today, spent most of it making sausages in the butchery with OH. Hard work.Just come home and whipped him up a quick b'day cake for the weekend,kind of invented chocolate coffee cake. Smells good but I had to concede and tongue taste the coffee icing (then spat lol).
Meh, better get some sleep.
Nights xx

 

[Madoody]

De Ja Vu' on the scales again, 13.2.2. I have been that since Tuesday. Bored. I have week on of the Oct challenge weigh in Monday,so far it stands at 1lb.Wow.
It did just occur to me that I took a laxative (sorry tmi) a week ago as things were rather slow and I suppose nowt has happened since.I used to have to take one a week on cd. I guess that will be part of the reason (although surely I should be losing more fat than I am retaining from those sachets?). If any newbies are reading this, one bit of advice, avoid dulcolax. Well certainly don't knock back 2 of the ******* and expect to be able to go anywhere the next morning :-0

I booked flights to Amsterdam last night. Whoopeee! Can't wait. Probably still be over 13 stone when I go but hey, least I'm going. Bit off topic but booked easy jet. Their latest money making scheme is to charge you for allocated seating.£3 per seat. Ok, sure that doesn't break the bank. But when your OH is 6.4'' with immensely long legs and you try and book an extra leg room seat, it jumps to £12. So £24 for the seats so he doesn't have his knees round his ears - honestly it feels a bit like discrimination when there is nothing he can do about his height! Anyway, rant over, I paid it regardless *grumbles*.

 

[SecondTimeLucky]

Hi Madoody, I remember what it was like for the scales to seem stuck and refusing to budge. I remember seeing on TV a while back a programe explaining this... Imagine a disposable ice cube bag with its little pockets.. this is what our fat looks like inside and when we lose the fat it sometimes fills it with liquid instead because it's unsure if the fats are gone for good or coming back (hence why we stay on the same number) after a little while it's like our body decides the fat is gone for good and releases the liquid, then you will notice a drop in weight again Also just because you don't lose weight does not mean you haven't lost inches. Stay strong x

 

[huwiesmummy]

Hi Madoody, I remember what it was like for the scales to seem stuck and refusing to budge. I remember seeing on TV a while back a programe explaining this... Imagine a disposable ice cube bag with its little pockets.. this is what our fat looks like inside and when we lose the fat it sometimes fills it with liquid instead because it's unsure if the fats are gone for good or coming back (hence why we stay on the same number) after a little while it's like our body decides the fat is gone for good and releases the liquid, then you will notice a drop in weight again Also just because you don't lose weight does not mean you haven't lost inches. Stay strong x

Wow that is very interesting. I knew that that kinda happened but that is a really great way to explain it. Thanks

 

[Madoody]

Well a combination of things - dared the dulcolax again. And then AF showed up yesterday-explains alot. I wasn't exactly expecting it as although I have felt pms'y for a week, so far I had gone 7 weeks without one and often this diet stops me altogether. But anyway, scales moved and hopefully will do so more when water retention from AF sorts itself out.
Had a busy weekend. Booked a hotel, double whoppee! it is a newly converted old hospital,I'm hoping it is haunted Very excited about my trip, I just hope I can manage the food thing ok. I don't see why I can't manage to watch my carbs and thoroughly enjoy the food I do have.I probably can't drink much anyway, and could just have white wine. OH not too impressed that I am planning on coming home and going right back on exante, but I will gain and I HAVE to undo it quickly before I fall into the trap again. I want done well in time for Christmas so can't mess around.
Determined!

 

[3stones2lose]

Hi Madoody, I remember what it was like for the scales to seem stuck and refusing to budge. I remember seeing on TV a while back a programe explaining this... Imagine a disposable ice cube bag with its little pockets.. this is what our fat looks like inside and when we lose the fat it sometimes fills it with liquid instead because it's unsure if the fats are gone for good or coming back (hence why we stay on the same number) after a little while it's like our body decides the fat is gone for good and releases the liquid, then you will notice a drop in weight again Also just because you don't lose weight does not mean you haven't lost inches. Stay strong x

That's a really good way of looking at it, I am going less disheartened next time the numbers aren't shrinking on the scale.
Madoody I find certain green teas help with the constipation.

 

[Madoody]

I bought myself green tea and white tea yesterday to try and keep more hydrated.I have def been a bit dehydrated recently. The problem is I am so cold. And I mean really, really freezing all the time. I can't light my Rayburn to heat the house because the plumbing needs sorting. I just can't drink cold drinks when I feel like this - been drinking alot of tea and coffee but not enough because I have it with milk so limit it.Anyway, hadn't really realised what I had been doing so yesterday had a cup of hot water and realised I could handle that (I always thought people that drank hot water were weird!) and so got the tea. Green tea - I so want to like it.But at the end of the day it still tastes like floor sweepings to me - dusty and bitter at the end of the cup. I used to like the ones with mint or lemon but I can't have those in ketosis (mint tea is my fave and it makes me starving!).I will think of it as medicinal. Just tried the white tea and I thought it was nice, made a giant coffee mug (about 500ml one) and it was gone in a few minutes. So that is good.
Not so good is that I have a stinking headache.And I am hungry, really quite hungry.I don't know where it has come from but it isn't very welcome. it wouldn't surprise me if it could be me being a bit run down from the weekend as I am getting a sinus cold - I forgot to take my packs with me to the farm.Between my car and handbag, I scabbed together 3 shakes and a bar, so sat and sun I had just 2 packs per day and then didn't have yesterdays first one until 12. Not advisable,somewhat foolish infact because having 2 a day has happened to me far more this time than any other time I have done a vlcd (don't give me grief, I know what a bad idea it is). I could have eaten of course. But then the excuses would start 'I needed to eat' .I don't need to eat is the fact of the matter. If I were that bothered I would have driven the 2 hr round trip to get them.I wanted to though,eat that is. I wasn't hungry but I fantasized about hard boiled eggs or a bit of pork tenderloin and salad.It wouldn't hurt would it? The thought process in itself made me say absolutely NO. I'm still thinking about that egg,slightly gooey in the middle of the yolk... oh I am a bit fed up of this right now.Just need to keep my head down and plod on. Meh.

 

[Madoody]

Hello.
I had a flat tyre today. And the dishwasher went 'kablam' and died. And the smallest Thing came home from school knowing the F word. And I don't think it was part of the phonics curriculum. Great day.
Had an interesting evening last night -OH managed to talk me into going along to help him at some Spanish party thing full of writers,chefs and tv producers held at the place they used to do river cottage. We were told to provide some of OH's Chorizo as an entree' (so an opportunity to showcase it)- was just going to be low key drinks and nibbles so I felt ok ish going to help. But we got there to find they were doing a proper sit down meal and I felt really uncomfortable amongst all these people of assumed importance. Once I had helped cook and he went to hand it out he got nabbed talking to all the guests and I was hiding in the kitchen wishing the floor would swallow me up while having to refuse canapes and numerous offers of wine and sherry. I must have seemed so rude, declining everything and looking anxious as hell. In the end I actually ran away, went and hid in the car for 40 minutes. Oh and then we were invited to stay for the meal and had to say no, because of me not eating. OH wanted an excuse to leave anyway but still.I felt like utter sh*te about myself all night after that for being such a total loser,no matter what weight I am.
One small plus was OH's friend who organised some of it came up and said 'wow, you are looking really fantastic' to me-mind you he normally see's me in wellies and cow muck. But the overall experience was very negative and showed me how awful my self esteem still is (and by God is it a billion times better than it used to be).
weight has stalled again for days at 13 stone and 2 ounces - amazing it can maintain the 2 ounces so accurately. Psychologically this is hard because being in the 12's is such a milestone - I consider 12 normalish. Normal people can weigh 12 stone.Fingers crossed for tomorrow though, got home at 3pm and it gave me 13.0.2 again so I MUST be under by now for morning weight
Had several more of these stinking headaches, quite debilitating. I am making an effort with hydration too, weird.
M