This is me! (Management diary)

Felt much better this morning - a lot less annoyed. Wonder if I'm confusing tiredness with being cross?! Interesting how my moods are tending to yo-yo a bit at the moment. I had a great and very positive discussion with my boss yesterday about my performance at work but me being me, today I'm still fretting that I'm not good enough/organised enough/fast enough/clever enough. (Although I'd never let it show that I have these anxieties!) What's all this about then?!

Am I just overwhelmed? Too much on the go? Have I taken on too much? I need to start saying "no" but I'm not sure what I can say no to. I've pulled out of the Christmas choir carol concert as there were some evening rehearsals near my office that would have meant a very late night home for me. So at least that's one thing I've jettisoned.

Am I drinking too much caffeine maybe?!

(Am I over-analysing?! Discuss!)

I'm glad I've got group tomorrow. I think it will be a good start to the weekend. My step-inlaws are coming for my daughter's birthday so it will be a BUSY weekend. It will be nice to have some "me" time in the morning and, I hope, see the scales going back in the right direction!
 
Will be glad when the afternoon is over... I've got to give a speech in ten mins for the retirement of one of my team. Gah! Speech is written, but what a week for public speaking!!!
 
Spanglymum said:
Thanks. It really helped to read your message. Just sooooooooo angry. Aargh. Really wanted to eat/drink inappropriate stuff but didn't. Not really fair of me to feel this way just feeling tired out and put upon. Just want a break. Waaaah! Rebellious child, anyone?!

The intensity of the anger is quite impressive though when I don't hide it with alcohol/carbs. Hmm. Not sure what to do with it.
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Can you get a punch bag for Christmas? Take your frustrations/anger out on that? I'd suggest an exercise class, but I have no idea when you could schedule it.

Remember, give yourself credit for every time that you resist a drink/carbs. Look at what you have achieved. Its massive!!!
 
Great idea!! Not sure if entirely serious but made me chuckle, which is a start. Losing my sense of humour is always a warning sign that things aren't as they should be.

Well, I feel a bit better today, despite hubby waking me up at 5:30 returning from the bathroom sneezing. Not really his fault as he does have a heavy cold at the moment - and full marks to him, in spite of it he got the girls' breakfast and has taken them out to feed the ducks so I can have some quiet time! Fell asleep again and woke up at 8:00. Good start! I've got group at 10am and then visitors/birthday celebrations until this evening when hubby and I have been granted an hour's babysitting by my visiting stepmotherinlaw (not really but it's too complicated to explain the relationships on hubby's side of the family...)

I'm trying not to feel too disppointed that because I'm on packs we can't go to a local place that has recently been refurbished and now does AMAZING margaritas!! (well, I've had ONE, on a rare night out with hubby, so it may have been the astonishment of actually getting out that made it taste so good). So we'll be going for a coffee or mineral water. Probably at ikea because it's open late. I know how to party, eh?! Still, it will be so good to have some time for us, however brief.

Reasonably optimistic that packs are doing their thing. I've had milk in tea a few times, which I know I shouldn't, but apart from that I've been 100%, so I hope things are moving in the right direction!
 
I was being serious :) But I'm glad it made you smile.

I did wonder at a previous post when you made reference to step MIL and I did wonder what that meant. I'm not going to try to work it out lol. I hope you enjoy your 'date' time with hubby. How long are you planning on being on the packs? Oh and you can stock up on cheap Christmas wrap at IKEA :xmastree::xmascheers:
 
:eek: EIGHT POUNDS!!!!!!!!!

This explains a LOT. I mean, people talk about just being able to "look at a cake" and gain weight, and it appears to be true in my case! I gained 14lb in one week on holiday and couldn't believe how fast it came off again. It's all glycogen and water. Weird.

My LLC has suggested I do a detailed food diary when I come off packs again (at this rate, very soon! :)) so we can work out exactly what it is that causes me to gain so much so fast. I'm suspecting complex carbs and alcohol - but she said there could be other things that I haven't thought of, which would be worth investigating.

Am on top of the world today, though. Got my jeans back on - already - after one week! ok so I've got some serious muffin toppage going on but nothing a few weeks won't cure) - and so happy that I'm getting back where I want to be. The group this morning was amazing too - really in depth. Made me quite weepy actually - but I think that's a good, helpful, constructive thing... turning over rocks and looking at what I've been hiding all these years...
 
Fantastic Spangly :happy096::happy096::happy096: Go you! You must be so pleased. You'll have no problem going out this evening with your pack :D
 
I'm exactly the same with the carbs. They are my nemesis and I really have to keep myself in check around them. I gain weight quick when I overindulge with them but drop it as soon as I cut them out. One thing my LLC has suggested is a totally carb free "accelerator" day once a week. Mine is a Monday, a kind of "this is how I plan to start my week" kinda thing. I'm on my own tomorrow after weaning myself off the packs this week so we can share maintenance tips. I may also start a maintenance diary as a kind of fresh start. Keep up the good work Spangly and also yay for a lie in!!!! X

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins
 
Not sure what's going on today. Been angry and weepy by turns all day. Lost it with hubby earlier, which isn't like me - but then maybe better to say how im feeling rather than burning with resentment and drowning it in alcohol or food? Sigh. Really weepy. Not good.

UmmZakaria, your day off from carbs sounds good. Does one day a week make a significant difference?
 
Well, in spite of it being a very difficult day emotionally, yesterday, I'm proud of myself for not going off-road. Well - that's not strictly true. I did get very angry, and ate a few spoonfuls of the (delicious!) bolognese sauce I'd made for the family... but then STOPPED MYSELF and asked myself WHY?! Amazing!

Then had a big heart-to-heart with hubby and a long chat with a girlfriend, and felt much better. I realise more and more that I don't deal with anger/resentment very constructively at the moment. I seem to have the view that it's "wrong" to feel that way - ie it's me who's wrong, not the situation, if that makes sense. If I'm going to make progress foodwise, I have to start being more in touch with my real feelings.

Straight after church yesterday morning my Mum just asked me how I was and I burst into tears! In the street! Eek! Am sooooo tired.

Didn't help last night that I'd put the thicker duvet on the bed and for some reason it's not as breathable as the usual one and I woke up FOUR TIMES last night in a pool of sweat. Shivering. Lovely (not).

Pondered taking today off to sleep but as my boss is away on business I was worried about how that would look. Instead, I got here on time and have made some coffee. Still REALLY happy that my weight is going back to normal. Real relief. I have such extreme "all or nothing" thoughts as soon as my waistbands get tight. It's really intense. This feeling of being a failure - when in reality I'm talking about a few pounds, or even just water retention!
 
Aw Spangly, all I can say is sending you big hugs. Try to work on those 'all or nothing' thoughts.
 
Oh dear Spangly...how are you feeling now?

Please stop thinking that you are failure. Look at what you have achieved so far. Big hugs sweetheart xx
 
Deleted - I was having a BAD morning!
 
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So how are things today? xx
 
Well, after a very bad start to the day (drive in took 2.5 hours this morning) I got wibblier and wibblier and then eventually spoke to my LLC, who was great. Thing is, I've started to REALLY discover the reasons I overconsume - and it's difficult! She suggested I get some professional counselling - so I'm going to see my GP next week to see if that's possible on the NHS.

In some ways, things feel rubbish. But in others, it feels a bit like "the darkest hour before the dawn" ... like, I know this is right, that working through the difficult stuff is what is going to help longer term. I don't want to spend my life avoiding my emotions with food and alcohol - and I won't, if I work on things now. It's really stressful though. I'm used to feeling strong and in control and organised etc etc but I'm feeling very wobbly and adrift this week. I think because I'm finally cutting loose properly from the old behaviours. I was kidding myself that I could do it "a bit" and be ok... but I can't and it isn't.

I need a different release for negative emotions.

Got such an urge as I write this to go and buy loads of carbs and eat them on the way home. I'm just scared I think. Scared of my feelings (?).
 
Well, I didn't! (buy carbs etc). I got an early night. I think I should give myself a gold star for that really:thankyouthankyou:(can't find a gold star so that will have to do).

"Sleep that knits up this ravelled sleeve of care" - I reckon Shakespeare probably knew what sleep-related mood swings were all about.

Had fab chat with hubby last night. It's all good I think. I'm going to book into a travel lodge or hotel for Friday night and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Possibly sounds mental, but with the girls (and him) waking up between 5:30am and 6am even on weekends, it's probably the only way I'm going to get my full quota. Luxury! And I'm going to get some sleep next Thursday as I've booked in to the hotel where our office Christmas party is being held so I don't have the marathon drive home afterwards.

Thing is, my husband also wakes up multiple times a night for the bathroom (MS-connected continence issues :sigh:) and my daughters sometimes wake up too - so being away means I will DEFINITELY get uninterrupted sleep. I'm taking earplugs too, in case of thin walls.

by the end of yesterday I was really really struggling. Got a very aggressive/brusque phonecall late on at work that I would normally have managed to brush off but it really upset me all the way home. Today it bothers me less... well, less personally, anyway.
 
Spanglymum said:
Thing is, I've started to REALLY discover the reasons I overconsume - and it's difficult! She suggested I get some professional counselling - so I'm going to see my GP next week to see if that's possible on the NHS.

In some ways, things feel rubbish. But in others, it feels a bit like "the darkest hour before the dawn" ... like, I know this is right, that working through the difficult stuff is what is going to help longer term. I don't want to spend my life avoiding my emotions with food and alcohol - and I won't, if I work on things now. It's really stressful though. I'm used to feeling strong and in control and organised etc etc but I'm feeling very wobbly and adrift this week. I think because I'm finally cutting loose properly from the old behaviours. I was kidding myself that I could do it "a bit" and be ok... but I can't and it isn't.
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I think professional counselling is an excellent idea. You cant change your situation. Life has dealt you one bad b*stard of a hand. You now need to find ways of dealing with it that dont involve carbs and alcohol.

Spanglymum said:
Well, I didn't! (buy carbs etc). I got an early night. I think I should give myself a gold star for that really:thankyouthankyou:(can't find a gold star so that will have to do).

"Sleep that knits up this ravelled sleeve of care" - I reckon Shakespeare probably knew what sleep-related mood swings were all about.

Had fab chat with hubby last night. It's all good I think. I'm going to book into a travel lodge or hotel for Friday night and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Possibly sounds mental, but with the girls (and him) waking up between 5:30am and 6am even on weekends, it's probably the only way I'm going to get my full quota. Luxury! And I'm going to get some sleep next Thursday as I've booked in to the hotel where our office Christmas party is being held so I don't have the marathon drive home afterwards.

Thing is, my husband also wakes up multiple times a night for the bathroom (MS-connected continence issues :sigh:) and my daughters sometimes wake up too - so being away means I will DEFINITELY get uninterrupted sleep. I'm taking earplugs too, in case of thin walls.

by the end of yesterday I was really really struggling. Got a very aggressive/brusque phonecall late on at work that I would normally have managed to brush off but it really upset me all the way home. Today it bothers me less... well, less personally, anyway.
Click to expand...

See Spangly? Progress sweetheart :D

Oh I dont think that sleeping at a hotel is madness. Quite the opposite...I think its mandatory! You need your sleep. Is there any way that you could have a midweek night away? Maybe stay with a friend from work so that you dont have such an early start and stressful, long commute?
 
Hi Spangly,
Good for you that you will get your much needed sleep. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.
 
Stressed again today. Two big meetings at work. I will feel much better when today is done with I think! General stress and anxiety. Sometimes wonder if I've bitten off more than I can chew with this job. I know they wouldn't have given it to me if they didn't think I could do it, but I'm feeling really insecure of late. Every time I do something a bit clumsily or don't fully understand something (because I don't know the background like my predecessor, who had been with the company for 34 years) I feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me harshly. I know rationally that that's not likely - or at least not to the degree I think they're judging - but I still feel so so so wibbly. Aaargh!
 
One (three hour) meeting down. One to go!

Ugh. Feel rubbish today :-(
 
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