Tilleymonster
Full Member
Hi all,
So, brand new diary. Looking at the other one annoys me now. I put on more weight than I started out at and put this down to stopping going to counselling regularly and 'stress' like moving house/family member hospitalised after severe stroke. In any case, I know that with the counselling I probably could have gotten through those things better but I didn't go and so I'm starting afresh.
Went to new group Wednesday. I'm doing Total not Lite this time because I need to deal with food problems not just lose a bit of weight and not commit. It was sooooo much better. We did some TA and there were quite a few people at the group. It was lovely to finally hear others talk about how they eat to get around boredom/stress and relate it all to discounting. I found it really useful.
I then spent all last night reading Spanglymum's diary - not sure if you'll ready this Spangly but your diary is just amazing and so helpful
I can already relate to so many things that Spangly said. The confidence has come back just knowing that I'm doing this. I am starting conversations with people at work, I worse some heeled boots in today although usually I avoid 'bringing attention' to myself - like I'm a Victorian and heels show that I'm a harlot or something! They're only cowboy boots for goodness sake.
The thing I need to watch out for is my obsession with looking too far ahead. i need to do this one day at a time. I usually stick to things for 2 months absolutely perfectly and then I get bored and go the other way - extremes all the time.
So some things that have made me do this properly again and spend the money and join Total:
- I gave all my 14s and 16s to charity when I lost weight previously. As the months crept by without LL I had less and less to choose from to wear. I moved house and decided to only hang what I could fit and put the rest in the attic. And guess what - I had leggings. :-( 28 years old and that's all that fits now.
- So then I went to buy some clothes to 'tide me over'. Immediately worried as 'tide me over' usually means I start to grow a fat wardrobe. I've yo-yo-ed in weight so many times that this is like a repeating nightmare now and it angers me that I've given up. Icing on the cake - I couldn't get into 14s or 16s but had to buy 2 pairs of 18 jeans. I've never had to do that in my life.
- Forcing a baked good into my mouth, after various other sweet goods (no food talk) and having my OH say 'Do you want to take time to chew sweetheart?'
- Driving to the shops EVERY NIGHT for 2 weeks after moving in to buy 'sweets'. I shudder to think how much I spent and will remember that when I buy my packs.
- Starting to get indigestion all the time from eating badly and having to leave work to go to the shop and get Rennie.
- Becoming lacking in energy and effort to do anything, feeling no interest and this perpetual sense of boredom unless I was eating. No film or book or conversation could hold my attention. I was not relaxing unless I was eating.
- Finding that all of my new bras (expensive ones that I treated myself to when I lost weight) hurt me, but being too ashamed to buy more so having red welts on me by bed time
- Feeling unsexy and avoiding closeness with my OH. Even starting to check texts and worry he's having an affair (he proposed 4 months ago... why would he bother?).
- Being quiet and not saying what I really think and then finding myself going through what happened that day and even talking out loud at work colleagues in my own kitchen (where they obviously weren't!) whilst pushing food in mouth - sometimes before I'd even let the dog out for a walk.
- Not being able to do my walking coat up and not wanting to walk the dog very far
- My wellies starting to get stuck on my calves again
- The feeling that I was jealously eyeing up my friends I projecting that they were smug thinking I lost weight and looked great and then couldn't maintain. Erm...own head anyone?
- My mother being slimmer than me
- Realising that once I got bigger I put no effort into clothing and sometimes left for work without knowing what I looked like because I hadn't wanted or remembered to look in the mirror.
- Not wanting people to come over for house warming visits to our new place because I didn't want old friends who had seen me lose weight to see me fat again. Desperately trying to find something to wear before they came that would make me still look good and nothing seemed right.
- Not accessorising anymore. No fancy earrings or necklaces, no styling.
That'll do for now. This is my little record for myself of things that come to mind about why I'm doing this. On the positive side, changes I've made already (it's only Day 2!):
- Went exploring with the dog in the new area. We walked for nearly 2 hours, it was sunny, it relaxed me and it got me out and about. Poor dog is going to get run into the ground as this continues!
- Slept better - less guilt in my head maybe?
- Indigestion gone this morning!
- Feel more refreshed, talked to various people today and smiled and already feel my clothes are looser!!
- OH and I conversed for a full 30 minutes (he's on a late shift) chatting about house plans and then he told me how he just knows I'm going to nail LL this time and he's so proud of me. NONE of the conversation was about work (which I'm finding stressful of late).
I should probably go and do some work actually. And I need some Sunrise Orange
This is a huge ramble, but I want to document this. LL Total is going to be very odd to get used to but in some ways I already feel that it takes the stress out of food. I need a break from TRYING to be healthy and to sort out why I find it such a mission. It shouldn't be hard to fuel your body appropriately, but it is.
I'm writing down each time I get a drink down too - managed 6 pints yesterday. Is that enough?
hmmmm.
So, brand new diary. Looking at the other one annoys me now. I put on more weight than I started out at and put this down to stopping going to counselling regularly and 'stress' like moving house/family member hospitalised after severe stroke. In any case, I know that with the counselling I probably could have gotten through those things better but I didn't go and so I'm starting afresh.
Went to new group Wednesday. I'm doing Total not Lite this time because I need to deal with food problems not just lose a bit of weight and not commit. It was sooooo much better. We did some TA and there were quite a few people at the group. It was lovely to finally hear others talk about how they eat to get around boredom/stress and relate it all to discounting. I found it really useful.
I then spent all last night reading Spanglymum's diary - not sure if you'll ready this Spangly but your diary is just amazing and so helpful
I can already relate to so many things that Spangly said. The confidence has come back just knowing that I'm doing this. I am starting conversations with people at work, I worse some heeled boots in today although usually I avoid 'bringing attention' to myself - like I'm a Victorian and heels show that I'm a harlot or something! They're only cowboy boots for goodness sake.The thing I need to watch out for is my obsession with looking too far ahead. i need to do this one day at a time. I usually stick to things for 2 months absolutely perfectly and then I get bored and go the other way - extremes all the time.
So some things that have made me do this properly again and spend the money and join Total:
- I gave all my 14s and 16s to charity when I lost weight previously. As the months crept by without LL I had less and less to choose from to wear. I moved house and decided to only hang what I could fit and put the rest in the attic. And guess what - I had leggings. :-( 28 years old and that's all that fits now.
- So then I went to buy some clothes to 'tide me over'. Immediately worried as 'tide me over' usually means I start to grow a fat wardrobe. I've yo-yo-ed in weight so many times that this is like a repeating nightmare now and it angers me that I've given up. Icing on the cake - I couldn't get into 14s or 16s but had to buy 2 pairs of 18 jeans. I've never had to do that in my life.
- Forcing a baked good into my mouth, after various other sweet goods (no food talk) and having my OH say 'Do you want to take time to chew sweetheart?'
- Driving to the shops EVERY NIGHT for 2 weeks after moving in to buy 'sweets'. I shudder to think how much I spent and will remember that when I buy my packs.
- Starting to get indigestion all the time from eating badly and having to leave work to go to the shop and get Rennie.
- Becoming lacking in energy and effort to do anything, feeling no interest and this perpetual sense of boredom unless I was eating. No film or book or conversation could hold my attention. I was not relaxing unless I was eating.
- Finding that all of my new bras (expensive ones that I treated myself to when I lost weight) hurt me, but being too ashamed to buy more so having red welts on me by bed time
- Feeling unsexy and avoiding closeness with my OH. Even starting to check texts and worry he's having an affair (he proposed 4 months ago... why would he bother?).
- Being quiet and not saying what I really think and then finding myself going through what happened that day and even talking out loud at work colleagues in my own kitchen (where they obviously weren't!) whilst pushing food in mouth - sometimes before I'd even let the dog out for a walk.
- Not being able to do my walking coat up and not wanting to walk the dog very far
- My wellies starting to get stuck on my calves again
- The feeling that I was jealously eyeing up my friends I projecting that they were smug thinking I lost weight and looked great and then couldn't maintain. Erm...own head anyone?
- My mother being slimmer than me
- Realising that once I got bigger I put no effort into clothing and sometimes left for work without knowing what I looked like because I hadn't wanted or remembered to look in the mirror.
- Not wanting people to come over for house warming visits to our new place because I didn't want old friends who had seen me lose weight to see me fat again. Desperately trying to find something to wear before they came that would make me still look good and nothing seemed right.
- Not accessorising anymore. No fancy earrings or necklaces, no styling.
That'll do for now. This is my little record for myself of things that come to mind about why I'm doing this. On the positive side, changes I've made already (it's only Day 2!):
- Went exploring with the dog in the new area. We walked for nearly 2 hours, it was sunny, it relaxed me and it got me out and about. Poor dog is going to get run into the ground as this continues!
- Slept better - less guilt in my head maybe?
- Indigestion gone this morning!
- Feel more refreshed, talked to various people today and smiled and already feel my clothes are looser!!
- OH and I conversed for a full 30 minutes (he's on a late shift) chatting about house plans and then he told me how he just knows I'm going to nail LL this time and he's so proud of me. NONE of the conversation was about work (which I'm finding stressful of late).
I should probably go and do some work actually. And I need some Sunrise Orange
This is a huge ramble, but I want to document this. LL Total is going to be very odd to get used to but in some ways I already feel that it takes the stress out of food. I need a break from TRYING to be healthy and to sort out why I find it such a mission. It shouldn't be hard to fuel your body appropriately, but it is.
I'm writing down each time I get a drink down too - managed 6 pints yesterday. Is that enough?
hmmmm.
