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TOTALly Fresh Diary: fresh mind

Hi all,

So, brand new diary. Looking at the other one annoys me now. I put on more weight than I started out at and put this down to stopping going to counselling regularly and 'stress' like moving house/family member hospitalised after severe stroke. In any case, I know that with the counselling I probably could have gotten through those things better but I didn't go and so I'm starting afresh.

Went to new group Wednesday. I'm doing Total not Lite this time because I need to deal with food problems not just lose a bit of weight and not commit. It was sooooo much better. We did some TA and there were quite a few people at the group. It was lovely to finally hear others talk about how they eat to get around boredom/stress and relate it all to discounting. I found it really useful.

I then spent all last night reading Spanglymum's diary - not sure if you'll ready this Spangly but your diary is just amazing and so helpful :) I can already relate to so many things that Spangly said. The confidence has come back just knowing that I'm doing this. I am starting conversations with people at work, I worse some heeled boots in today although usually I avoid 'bringing attention' to myself - like I'm a Victorian and heels show that I'm a harlot or something! They're only cowboy boots for goodness sake.

The thing I need to watch out for is my obsession with looking too far ahead. i need to do this one day at a time. I usually stick to things for 2 months absolutely perfectly and then I get bored and go the other way - extremes all the time.

So some things that have made me do this properly again and spend the money and join Total:

- I gave all my 14s and 16s to charity when I lost weight previously. As the months crept by without LL I had less and less to choose from to wear. I moved house and decided to only hang what I could fit and put the rest in the attic. And guess what - I had leggings. :-( 28 years old and that's all that fits now.

- So then I went to buy some clothes to 'tide me over'. Immediately worried as 'tide me over' usually means I start to grow a fat wardrobe. I've yo-yo-ed in weight so many times that this is like a repeating nightmare now and it angers me that I've given up. Icing on the cake - I couldn't get into 14s or 16s but had to buy 2 pairs of 18 jeans. I've never had to do that in my life.

- Forcing a baked good into my mouth, after various other sweet goods (no food talk) and having my OH say 'Do you want to take time to chew sweetheart?'

- Driving to the shops EVERY NIGHT for 2 weeks after moving in to buy 'sweets'. I shudder to think how much I spent and will remember that when I buy my packs.

- Starting to get indigestion all the time from eating badly and having to leave work to go to the shop and get Rennie.

- Becoming lacking in energy and effort to do anything, feeling no interest and this perpetual sense of boredom unless I was eating. No film or book or conversation could hold my attention. I was not relaxing unless I was eating.

- Finding that all of my new bras (expensive ones that I treated myself to when I lost weight) hurt me, but being too ashamed to buy more so having red welts on me by bed time

- Feeling unsexy and avoiding closeness with my OH. Even starting to check texts and worry he's having an affair (he proposed 4 months ago... why would he bother?).

- Being quiet and not saying what I really think and then finding myself going through what happened that day and even talking out loud at work colleagues in my own kitchen (where they obviously weren't!) whilst pushing food in mouth - sometimes before I'd even let the dog out for a walk.

- Not being able to do my walking coat up and not wanting to walk the dog very far

- My wellies starting to get stuck on my calves again

- The feeling that I was jealously eyeing up my friends I projecting that they were smug thinking I lost weight and looked great and then couldn't maintain. Erm...own head anyone?

- My mother being slimmer than me

- Realising that once I got bigger I put no effort into clothing and sometimes left for work without knowing what I looked like because I hadn't wanted or remembered to look in the mirror.

- Not wanting people to come over for house warming visits to our new place because I didn't want old friends who had seen me lose weight to see me fat again. Desperately trying to find something to wear before they came that would make me still look good and nothing seemed right.

- Not accessorising anymore. No fancy earrings or necklaces, no styling.

That'll do for now. This is my little record for myself of things that come to mind about why I'm doing this. On the positive side, changes I've made already (it's only Day 2!):

- Went exploring with the dog in the new area. We walked for nearly 2 hours, it was sunny, it relaxed me and it got me out and about. Poor dog is going to get run into the ground as this continues!

- Slept better - less guilt in my head maybe?

- Indigestion gone this morning!

- Feel more refreshed, talked to various people today and smiled and already feel my clothes are looser!!

- OH and I conversed for a full 30 minutes (he's on a late shift) chatting about house plans and then he told me how he just knows I'm going to nail LL this time and he's so proud of me. NONE of the conversation was about work (which I'm finding stressful of late).

I should probably go and do some work actually. And I need some Sunrise Orange :)

This is a huge ramble, but I want to document this. LL Total is going to be very odd to get used to but in some ways I already feel that it takes the stress out of food. I need a break from TRYING to be healthy and to sort out why I find it such a mission. It shouldn't be hard to fuel your body appropriately, but it is.

I'm writing down each time I get a drink down too - managed 6 pints yesterday. Is that enough?

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Further update: I have had 4 pints of water, 2 coffees, been out for lunch ("sparkling water please, no lemon"), and now tucking in to my spicy curry soup. Quite happy about it too as I'm very hungry, but wanted to space food out later so I'd have energy for walking the dog this evening and not drinking both shakes in one go the moment I got home!

Quite looking forward to a nice cup of tea and the cranberry bar on day 4, something to CHEW - feel a bit silly saying that on day 2.

It's weird. I'm testing myself I think. I keep saying out loud 'oh i'm so hungry' or seeing cakes and sandwiches in meeting rooms where there is training and just thinking 'oh god... food'. I'm almost obsessed with the FOOD because I've quit it for a while.

Anyway, a relaxing Friday afternoon, I plan to rest after a morning of meetings from 7:30 am (no joke) and just do some easier bits and bobs that don't require too much brain power. I have a friend who knows about LL and is coming over tonight to play Wii exercise games and drink coffee with me. She often tries to put me off the LL diet with the 'unhealthy' stuff, and she's just told me she's baked a cake so i'm on the look out for her bringing it and saying 'I thought you could just have a little bit' or some such. Mustn't capitulate and feel I should eat it - after all I didn't ask for it and she knows I can't so there's no insult there.

I do feel weary though. And my brain is in overdrive thinking and thinking some more.
Day 2 evening. Walked dog. Got zumba for ps3 and did a beginners workout on that for 20 mins. All just to fill up time really lol! Now heading for a bath. Then it's strawberry shake.

Had some horrid "oh I should just give up" "why bother" and quashed thoughts. Stupid brain.

Oh-and friend 'made too much cake and though she knows I can't eat any she bought a slice for herself and some to leave for my OH. actually made me more determined. Sad I realised though x

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Hi! I identify with so much in your thread it made me laugh!!
I too yo yo diet terribly and this time have somehow managed to gain 4 1/2 stone in 18 months!!
Good luck on your Lighterlife journey :)

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Silver Member
Hi tillymonster what an open and honest diary, welcome back!
As far as not looking too far ahead, little goals and non food treats help. When I started, the doctor who signed my forms said, it is an amazing journey, believe in yourself and you will get there. He also suggested making an agreement with myself about achieving the first 100 days, which is an old LL thing. I wrote on my calendar 100-1 against the days, it seemed slow at first but then at each WI another 7, then I eagerly approached 100 , it really was useful. I then evaluated where I was and made the commitment to stay on total until I'm at goal.
Good luck with your journey, posting often helps and can be quite inspirational.
Thanks flyingunicorn and Jules. I think there are are so many of us that want to make a change and assume, strangely, that it's only us with this food issue and it's so lovely to find others are the same. It's a shame or guilt thing I suppose, 'no one else knows my secret food problem' and yet were all out here. But were fixing it and that's whats ace. :)

Day 3. Allowed myself a lay in. Never do but feel great for it. Pinged out of bed and on with the day. Sitting waiting for my porridge to cool past the volcano lava stage. Added a little cinnamon. COME ON COOL YOU BEGGER!!

So today I am going to buy a new shower. Then taking dog on long walk. Then some paint for kitchen. A bit of zumba and Saturday tv with lots of squash and coffee. Ok so normally I'd associate food with the Saturday, with the tv... Oh actually I'd find a way to associate food with just about everything. Even a bath would somehow equal a biscuit or 12!! But my focus is sitting on the couch resplendent in comfortable clothes feeling good-too many nights in oversized tracksuit bottoms looking down at my tummy bulging or not able to curl up because I'm too full. And then not sleeping because of that. Oh the idea that comfortable clothes could be a pair of jeans.

Another thing I realised is what a ritual I made the evening sweetie binge into. I'd set out a mug of tea get the sweets and plough through regardless of how
Full. But the interesting thing is that i turn off the lights before this begins. And in summer I was drawing the curtains at 6pm to allow the bingeing to start earlier and be in the dark. I'm not an LLC but that's obvious eh? Blimey xx

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It's amazing the food routines we get into without realising isn't it? I sat down to read the paper this morning and suddenly really wanted my bar.... Because I always chew when I read!!
Sounds like you're doing really well with challenging your thought processes though :)
Can we have cinnamon? I always thought it kicked you out of ketosis (not sure why??) but if I can have it then putting it on porridge sounds fab!

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Oh god... I assumed about cinnamon because I did lite before... I need to find out :-/

Took OH and doggles for walk after shopping for 2 hours. About 30 mins into it I suddenly felt sick, felt like I couldn't move legs and just went all wobbly- I guess I can't expect to keep up same long walks at brisk pace just yet till my body gets used to the packs only. Took another half hour to get home, had my soup as soon as we got in and feel fine now. Although my body temp is going from boiling hot to cold, is that also normal?

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Silver Member
It's amazing the food routines we get into without realising isn't it? I sat down to read the paper this morning and suddenly really wanted my bar.... Because I always chew when I read!!
Sounds like you're doing really well with challenging your thought processes though :)
Can we have cinnamon? I always thought it kicked you out of ketosis (not sure why??) but if I can have it then putting it on porridge sounds fab!

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Sorry ladies, I understand cinnamon is a no no while on total :(
Well thank goodness you saved me from that error before anymore days went by!!! No more spicing things up for me!

Finding tonight so hard. Hence logged on again. Tempted to go to bed. I'm not hungry just desperately thinking foody thoughts. Or rather can't stop focusing
On the fact I havent eaten and it's Saturday. I know it's all my choice and it's in my power and I'll be thrilled tomorrow but right now blimey I feel restless! X

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Day 4. Didn't break last night. Knew I'd feel good about it today. Slightly headachey waking up. I didn't drink enough water yesterday, seems easier at work!

Had a big argument with OH last night before bed. I asked him to please get me a cuppa whilst I was watching tv with kitten on lap. He huffed about having to do everything and I lost it. Turned tv off, didn't shout or anything but calmly listed all the things i do: work full time, bring in the most money, pay all bills and half mortgage, clean, walk dog, wash cars... Basically I feel like a traditional man in the relationship but covering all the 'womens' chores too. I'm a believer in equality (and as u can tell probably a bit of a feminist) but I get exhausted having to do everything and don't want 20 years from now to still be trying to cover all aspects of our lives...

Anyway, made him upset-he always focuses on the fact I make more money like I am trying to hurt him-then we talked it thru. This morning I got tea in bed, and he got up to feed animals. I'm sure it won't last x

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Oh god. Still day 4. Thought this would be easier as should be in ketosis. I suppose I'm not hungry rumbling but fantasising about food. I just want meat. Pasta. Peas? Why peas? Spring greens. A sandwich. SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP.

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Hi Tilly,
Bless you, you sound like you are torturing yourself.lol.
My first week, I didn't look at food, talk about food, smell food, think about food. Just get over the first week. Get into your head that you ARE eating, you are eating your packs, they are all your nutrition you need.
Try something like a manicure, sit and brush your dog, post on here, anything to stop those thoughts and think about something else. And drink water...
Hi Tilley! Just seen this and that you read my diary. Insert blushing emoticon here (am on iPod so can't put one in!) good luck!! Xx
Hi Tilley! Just seen this and that you read my diary. Insert blushing emoticon here (am on iPod so can't put one in!) good luck!! Xx


Silver Member
Well done Tilly for getting through the weekend and staying 100%, the food thoughts will ease, as per previous response , we are eating, albeit shakes etc, think in your head it has everything you need to sustain you, lots of water I agree strangely easier at work, but I use a 740 ml bottle at home as well as work and try to finish 2 after first pack, then the same after second pack, then I slow down or in te loo all night.
Distracting with bath or good book is excellent, then a non food treat to look forward to like nails done etc can really help you focus.
Hope the rest if your week is easier, you should now be in ketosis, just checking, no milk in your cuppa right?
Hi Tilley,
How are you doing? I was reading your new diary trying to get some enthusiasm and motivation to start again, but it suddenly stops at day 4. I can completely identify with everything you have written down. I started LLL earlier this year. I wanted to get into a dress for a wedding (which I did!) but after I got to that goal I gave up and have put the weight back on. I know I can lose it again...I did it before!

Don't give up! You sound like a strong determined woman... you can achieve anything if you want it.

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