Unsupportive other half

I've not even bothered telling my other half i'm doing slimming world cos he says similar things... your not alone but i learnt... SAY NOWT...

you'll feel better in the long run chuck and you can always talk to us xx
 
In response to the discussion on food addiction, what makes things so much worse for a food addict/comfort eater is that unlike alcohol or cigarettes or gambling or drugs, food can never be given up. A food addict will always have to face and indulge in their vice, because they have to, in order to survive.

You cannot just walk away from food because you need it to live. What the food addict needs, more than with any other addiction, is support to get to the root of their symptoms- and to put to rest whatever demons they are subduing with food. And having the full support of those around you is absolutely vital in order to find and maintain a healthy balance.
 
I really feel for you hun - all my life I have had to hear my dad be like this with my mum. She has always been a yo-yo dieter without any real success. The only time she did lose weight was through grief at losing her 14 yr old son, she lost about 4 stone in about 6 mnths and kept it off for about 5 yrs before it gradually started to come back on but all those 5 or 6 yrs that she was skinny, my dad still called her "little fat Annie".

I myself am fortunate to have a husband that supports me no matter what. I was a comfortable size 12/14 when we married 6 yrs ago and since then I've gradually increased to a size 18/20. In all that time he's never once commented on my ever-increasing weight. When I announced 8 weeks ago that I was joining SW he asked why!!! He never questions the shopping bill - although I never actually tell him what I've spent. ;) He eats whatever I put in front of him without complaining - his first wife wasn't a cook of any sorts but I'm quite a decent cook so he's happy no matter what I feed him. He's often amazed at the SW recipes I serve up cos they don't feel like diet food to him. He asks how I've got on every week after WI and after I've been exercising. My best friend is also doing the SW plan so we're helping each other through this. So I am very lucky to have all the support I need and can only imagine how your husband is making you feel.

I suggest you sit him down when he's in a good mood and explain how he's making you feel and that you could really use his support. Explain why you're confident that the SW plan is going to work where other diets have failed - cos you're not depriving yourself and you're re-educating yourself about food. If you're the one that does all the catering in your house then just feed him the same meals that you're eating but give him larger portions and include small amounts of foods that are forbidden to you. Tell him if he wants a takeaway then you'll cook some of the recipes on here so you can both have them. And ask him to eat any chocolate and stuff like that when you're in the bath, bed or out like someone else has said their husband does. And as for his comments about the shopping bill - ask him if he'd prefer a healthy wife or one that saves money at the cost of her cholestral, blood pressure, heart rate etc. I'm sure if he understands how much this means to you then he would try to be more supportive.

I was trying to understand and guess I don't as for the alcoholic bit I'm not sure where thats come from :confused:

In response to the discussion on food addiction, what makes things so much worse for a food addict/comfort eater is that unlike alcohol or cigarettes or gambling or drugs, food can never be given up. A food addict will always have to face and indulge in their vice, because they have to, in order to survive. You cannot just walk away from food because you need it to live.

I was going to say that, madamelaminx. I stopped smoking yrs ago (only to start again 7 yrs later :rolleyes:) but at the time I just stopped, cold turkey, so to speak. Its the same with drug or alcohol addiction - you have to (eventually) stop completely but with food you can't do that. If you try to quit smoking, drugs or alcohol you just distance yourself from the danger areas that will put temptation your way but you have to continue to eat food. You have to learn how and what to eat and you have to maintain it for life - so much more difficult than going cold turkey.
 
Great debate, there are lots of things I can totally relate to. I too am a yo yoer, I have major issues with food and my own body image and self esteem. My husband has seen me a size 12 and a size 22 many times. He's heard it all many times, but still loves me for who I am, and doesn't mention anything. He loves me for me, he does however prefer me slim. It's hard not to go on, and ask " do I look like I've lost weight" etc. People with food issues do not gain and loose weight easily. It can be a life of utter misery. It's an amazing feeling to take control and not actually care what anyone else's opinion is anymore. Now I want to be happy and healthy ( and of course look good) only I can do that.
This site has been an amazing discovery for me, I'm taking all I can from it and I look forward to the future.
My point is we can all be diet bores together!! :D :D
 
I don't think Welshcake's post was overly harsh, just honest. I also think it is unrealistic to expect that a partner should be 100% supportive of a weight loss attempt when the evidence of many previous attempts is that they don't last more than a week or two.
I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. The one thing a yo-yo dieter, food addict, or just a long term over weight person needs is acceptance.
My husband still eats junk in front of me because i don't expect him to totally change his eating habits to suit me, but he knows i've struggled with my weight & self-esteem & he knows that my relationship with food is a very serious & big issue for me. He's seen me go on this & that diet full of steam and then crash and burn into a pile of junk food a few short weeks later - but he doesn't comment on it. He understands that this is a big problem for me and part of who i am. He knows that to comment on the fact that i'm starting yet another diet or that i'm eating junk and aren't sticking to plan will only make me feel even worse about myself, my weight, and my feelings of failure than i already do.
I'm sure he has those thoughts of 'oh what ANOTHER' diet she's not going to stick to', or 'well done for losing 3lbs this week', when secretly thinking 'it won't stay off for long', or thinking to himself 'you're never going to lose weight if you keep eating like that'................the difference is that he keeps those thoughts to himself and supports me no matter what i decide to do - diet or not, junk or healthy, because he knows that saying anything along those lines will hurt me and won't help an already seemingly impossible situation.

The way to over-come this isn't to prove you're commited to life long changes...the way to over-come this is to tell the people who love you EXACTLY what its like to be in this situation. Tell them EXACTLY how you feel about food, or how it makes YOU feel and how much of a struggle it is. If they love you they will try to understand where you're coming from and even if they struggle understanding at least the mocking comments should stop.
(And if they don't i suggest you start making comments about something they're overly insecure about and see how they like it!!! lol)
 
Maybe its just me, but your post sounds awfully critical of people who struggle to stick to a diet. Most people who have yo-yo dieted or struggled to stick to diet after diet, lost weight and then piled it all (and more) back on usually have serious self esteem issues and a psychological or emotional attachment to food. The reason they can't stick to a diet or 'fall off the wagon' is because the reason they eat and are over-weight in the first place usually isn't addressed or even if it is addressed it isn't fully dealt with.
For a lot of over-weight people, food isn't just something to use as fuel, its a comfort, a friend, an addiction.
Both myself and my councellor have likened it to being an alcoholic - you wouldn't say to an alcoholic you can have a shot of whiskey three times a day but thats it. The same applies to someone with an emotional attachment to food or a food addiction, you have to eat a limited amount of food and then stop which for a lor of people is just too hard. And then when we fall off the diet we feel like failures, losers, worthless, so we eat more to compensate for our feelings and hence we put the weight (and then some back on)
Maybe my reaction is a little overboard but methinks a little more understanding and a little less judgement is required. xx

Well if your reaction is overboard then I'll join you. I agree with you. Welshcakes post may be honest, fair enough. It sounded a little smug to me too and I'm just being honest so that's ok, right?

I think some people find it very difficult to lose weight for many reasons. Often the vast majority of those reasons are psychological and relate to self-esteem, depression and upbringing. I think people do get addicted to food and use it for comfort or to numb pain in the same way that some people use food by avoiding it for the same result, or binging and purging - it is all disordered eating. Judging harshly may be how you go about things but I find that approach counter productive.
 
WelshCake said:
Not being rude but have you been on many diets before? He may just be bored hearing it, I have a friend thats been on a diet for all her adult life, I am the first one to be supportive but after listening to her rave on about yet another diet I tend to switch off, she is still at least 10 stones too heavy and seems to get heavier with each diet, this is the first time I have needed to really diet (other than a few Xmas/holiday lbs) I do get amazed reading people when they say they "fell off the wagon" and have put more weight on than they lost, maybe I'm just a stubborn old git and refuse to fall off the wagon

I don't think welshcake was being rude or insensitive. I think she was only trying to offer an insight into why LTL OH was maybe not being supportive.

At the end if the day we all perceive things in different ways and we all deal with life's challenges in different ways. From reading these posts some have partners or husbands that are very supportive, for others it's not the case, that alone shows the differences in how people deal with situations.

It's like when 2 people have an argument, if those 2 people were to tell someone why the argument occured 9 times out of 10 the reasons would be different. Again it's how we perceive things. Unless you witnessed that argument could you really offer a truthful unbiased opinion?

If I am stressed out I eat, if I'm upset I can't eat but I've friends who are the opposite. We're all different and live the way we do or make the choices we make for our own personal reasons.

If it were my OH I would sit him down and tell him how you feel and ask him to talk to you about how he feels about you dieting.

X
 
Hi letsgetlosing :)
I dont think there is much advice i can give to you that hasn't already been said but from my own experience i try to turn the negative into a positive. My best friend/OH/who knows (messy situation!! lol) was really un-supportive in the beginning and i'll never forget his words 'its not like your going to stick to it'. At the time it really upset me but every time i struggled and wanted to give in to that MaccyD's or crisps/sweets etc i thought about how empowering it would be to prove him wrong! Now 6 months in and 2 1/2 stone down the nice comments are becoming more frequent and after he's had a few beers he cant help but gush about how good i'm looking (he even said its not the beer talking but rather the drink taking away his inhibitions! lol) so maybe you need to just get those first few weeks under your belt so that he can see that you are serious about losing the weight this time? And maybe the problem is with himself rather than you because seeing someone else addressing their problems only highlights to ourselves what we want/need to change xxxx
 
Fascinating post!!

I'm just going to say this:

I can be smug when i'm sticking to a diet - and for goodness sake, why can't everyone else stick to it - i'm doing it (today!), and i'm fine!! Everyone else is just weak willed and pathetic...

And then there are days when I'm the one that's had that spectactular fall off the wagon... when i can't stick to a diet if my life depended on it. I'm not so very smug on those days...

I can't believe that Welshcakes has never, ever fallen off the wagon?! Really?! If that is true that is trully amazing!!

I'm not being smug and i'm not being weak willed... i'm doing what I can today. And that's trying my best!!!

And i'm certainly not going to judge anyone... We are all on this site for one reason - because we all need to lose weight.

And good luck to us all!!

Lx
 
Unsupportive partner

My problem is different but related, my partner of 17 years has always been loving and supportive, however recently my partner has been saying repeatedly, that I am morbidly obese, which I know , but is very hurtful to repeatedly hear.
My partner also claims that it is just so I will realize the reality of the situation?

I think it is nasty !
 
Elizabeth - that's mean.

I know for a fact that if my partner treated me the way my dad treated my mum - I'd be double my weight. If my oh said that, you don't want to know what I'd do.

The problem is some people respond well to "tough talk" and some don't. It's not up to those doling out the advice to use the excuse they were being honest - when they were just being mean.

That said, I'm not referring to Welshcake here. She was playing devils advocate. What she said was fair. I just don't tell anyone I'm eating healthily - just do it. You get less earache.
 
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