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Well - I'm back and what a week - week 26


Silver Member
S: 17st2lb C: 11st10lb G: 10st5lb BMI: 27.3 Loss: 5st6lb(31.67%)
Well, my friends - you can go and read about the details of what happened to me this Wednesday (the 4th) a thought record would have been too difficult to do because it came out of nowhere and from about 18 different angles and it was a very weird experience that I sort of had no control over - odd for me to say that as until now I would have said that I definitely had a strong adult voice with me all the way through abstinence so far, but on Wednesday night the adult went out and left the children unattended(!)

I binged. I binged in a very limited period of time - and I make no secret of the fact that I am a recovering bulimic so I got the chance to observe the irrationality of what goes on during an 'attack'.

I have been overwhelmed this week - you may remember that the reason that I have been away (or you may not have seen that post) is that I am doing another 12 step programme to recovery - this time in creativity - I figured that whilst Iw as sorting out my headspace about my body and food, that I should also give myself a headstart in what I actually want to do now that I am freeing up my head to think about my actual life. Wee 4 of the programme requires you to go on a diet of sorts - a reading deprivation week which means no tv, radio or reading or internet. These days one has to be quite draconian about it when we are at home because most of us have to read for work on an ongoing basis due to email.

In the past this week has always caused me to go loopy, because with so much silence and so much time to think and not dull my senses with episodes of Friends or message boards one gets a) very reflective and b) supposedly very productive.

I just seemed to lie down in the dark when I got home each night and mope. Which was depressing!

I spent a lot of time writing and a lot of time dwelling on past mistakes (I believe this is all part of the process - you bring up all of the old crap that has got you stuck in the past before sweeping it away for once and for all and this is obviously a very painful process) and by Wednesday I needed a release. What I should have done was turned on the bloody telly, but what I did was feed my face.

As I said - read the blog for more details, but there were some major positives. There was no question for more than 30 seconds of thinking I was a failure. I needed to do this, I did it, it was a moment of madness - it passed, I am on the wagon and in ketosis and ready for my last few weeks in total abstinence. I needed a moment of madness to show that I don't have to be a good girl the whole time - that I don't have to live my life in adapted child mode (I remember AJ wrote brilliantly about this in her management diary) there will be moments when the rebellious child comes out to play and although I am adult enough to keep those moments to a minimum - I need to know how to deal with her when she turns up and not to treat her like the enemy - just to laugh at her crazy ways and get on with being an adult once she's calmed down enough to talk to her.

I also shopped my arms off last weekend. I am now the proud owner of a Diane Von Furstenberg wrapover dress - it is quite simply the most expensive and classiest item of clothing I have ever owned. I look a BILLION dollars in it. However, at my current weight it is slightly too snug to wear and needs me to to get my last stone off for it to look perfect. That is my incentive to get to full goal and to stay within half a stone of it for at last as log as it takes to get the wear out of it. So I spent a lot of money on that (but it can be worn to the office, in the evening and to smart and casual things and will never go out of fashion)

I also found a Moschino top in TK Maxx that makes me look like a skinny fashionista! Hurrah for gorgeous clothes.

Also - one final incentive - in order to get into highstreet calf length boots, I have to lose at least an inch off my calves. As I've pointed out before - this seems to be the last area of my body to have any fat left in it - so legs crossed (to exercise them more ;)) the last stone will get me to my goal of gorgeous leather boots for autumn.

Breaking abstinence is not a disaster - yes you need to do some extra personal work around it when it happens, but there's no need to start wailing and gnashing your teeth and stopping altogether - if you get back on the horse straight after you've fallen, you'll keep your nerve - that's what I was always taught at riding school.

It looks like it's going to be a lovely day - so I have made myself st clements lollies using a £1.50 lolly mould that I found at Woolies - it's the cheapest I have found - not sure that it's as useful as the more expensive ones. Shall report back later!
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Just Do It

Full Member
C: 13st3.0lb
Sarah, really enjoyed that post.
That is great insight into a controlled binge, something I am petrified of.

My goal for Autumn is the knee length boots too, I have just measured this morning and have lost 1.5 inches since starting, most of that has just come off in the last two weeks. Relief!!

Looking forward to seeing you on the front cover of all the glossies!


paula 36

Gold Member
Hi cerulean,well done you have come a long way.I also had bullemia,im of LL this w end.Last night i had a curry half an:cry:hour later i felt guilty and went to be sick.Ive had so much councilling ,but wonder if we ever get over it.Good luckxx

Mrs Lard

Silver Member
Dear Sarah

What a post! And what a post on your blog, too (I urge everyone to read it!). As you know, I can't comment there so am doing it here instead.

I have followed your progress with a combination of awe and total respect. I admire your tenacity and the photos have been inspirational; I know, with certainty, that many women will have benefited enormously from that one action alone.

Your whole journey has been inspirational, as I think the comments on minis testify.

More recently, I felt slight trepidation because as you are getting close to goal, I was very aware of your incredible resolve (I think it was your trip to Greece will stick in my mind forever - way to go, girl!) and wondered how you would cope if something were to test you beyond endurance or whether you would even countenance such fallibility. And it isn't something I would ever post as a question!

But your blog answers that concern (which I have copied and pasted here because I think it's so important and helpful to others):

"If I had had a clean run at LL - done it perfectly - I would never have learnt the lesson I really needed to learn. I am such a good and eager student who always used to collapse if I encountered failure or second best that if I had gone through this journey without a slip, I would never have known if I had learnt how to deal with it."

That really is the point; a break from abstinence in a moment of madness is not the end of the road - it's a chance to learn something to help you and us in our recovery. I know that sounds a bit rehab like but this is what we are doing - rehab for fatties (I love that phrase!).

I am glad that you are treating yourself well and appreciating that perfection does not necessarily always lead to enlightenment!

Well done - this is a fantastic post and, once again, go to Sarah's blog to see the full picture.

Take care.

Mrs L xxxxxxxxxxxx
Another learning experience & one I'll remember if I do go off the wagon (but really dont want to!!) and great to hear that you've been having fun shopping (please post piccie of dress - sounds yummy & VERY expensive!!)...good for you!
Well done for overcoming your very difficult week. You must be proud of the way you've coped and got back on the plan. Its always great to read your posts and blogs, so insightful (and entertaining) (btw I hated uni too!!) Thanks for being so honest:)


Silver Member
S: 17st2lb C: 11st10lb G: 10st5lb BMI: 27.3 Loss: 5st6lb(31.67%)
Paula - I had to respond. The awful answer (and why I referred to myself as being a recovering bullimic) is that we never entirely get over it. We just have to keep on working at the CBT and learn to recognise our patterns and tricks and loops and just get better at managing it. I find that I get the attacks much less frequently since I had a full CBT course 4 years ago - but yes - I still use it as an escape. I think Princess Diana was very astute when she referred to it as her 'secret friend'. I hope you get better at coping with it - working away at the CBT really does help - it's a slog and it's dull sometimes but it really really works.

JDI - here's to the boots! I've only lost 2 inches off my calves (and 8 inches off my biceps, and 8 off my thighs so what's going on there?) so I look hilarious in shoe shop mirrors - the legs are slim with these calves that look like someone's stuck them on me.

Mrs L - thanks so much. Yes - I can't recommend breaking abstinence, of course, but that was very perceptive of you.

I notice with some small pride that my pictures that everyone is so lovely about are of me over a stone and a half ago
- so I think I may have to surprise you all again soon! Thank you for your words of encouragement.

ISOM - yup - I'm not coming off the wagon again - I didn't check my ketosis, but the sudden change in the taste in my mouth over the last few days implies that I slipped a little out of it and I have had yicky stomach cramps so there are some physical consequences even if the weightloss stays good tomorrow at weigh-in.
So - I have no plans to let that little minx back into my head until long after management!

Thanks Julie - I always think that my posts sometimes seem like the ramblings of a madwoman especially as I make such dreadful typos (sometimes changing the meaning beyond all recognition!) on my laptop.
But it's nice to be ale to share this all with other people who want to know about it. I think it's important because I couldn't have got anywhere near as far as I did without looking at the examples of the people who went before me.

Oddly enough, I think I got to the same weight as Eira (whose blog from a couple of years back helped me immensely when I first started) when I had my flip out - so maybe there's something about that weight or BMI that throws some of us. It is interesting...

I may write to lighterlife about this as I think that the development support material is sparse to say the least (especially as we are paying the same as we do in foundation) and they probably need to provide us with more inspirational and useful materials if they want to help us go through what are recognised as being the major psychological milestones.
oh yes do surprise us! I'm struggling at the moment & the people ahead of me give me hope in a difficult moment plus I'd love to see the dress! Sounds luscious! Depending on how snug it is (ie without revealing all!!) could you post one now & then as you fit into it - some inspiration for you there too then as you SEE the changes even when you dont FEEL the changes!! Keep up the good work. These addictions (mine are pretty much all of them except drugs!!) are all hard to crack and you're doing so well! Ahh yummy ketosis mouth...fab isnt it!
Thanks Sarah!

I dip in and out of your blog and I love it. You say a lot of the things I think. I also feel a bit creatively stunted by work and I am currently looking for another job - and considering a pay cut and less responsibility to be able to allow myself mental space to expand.

I love the new picture! What an amazing journey in 6 months. I've been too naughty during the journey to have the same speedy result but I know I'll get there in the end.

I would like to encourage you to write the book as I think you have a lot to offer with great insight into the process.