Cerulean
Silver Member
Well, my friends - you can go and read about the details of what happened to me this Wednesday (the 4th) a thought record would have been too difficult to do because it came out of nowhere and from about 18 different angles and it was a very weird experience that I sort of had no control over - odd for me to say that as until now I would have said that I definitely had a strong adult voice with me all the way through abstinence so far, but on Wednesday night the adult went out and left the children unattended(!)
I binged. I binged in a very limited period of time - and I make no secret of the fact that I am a recovering bulimic so I got the chance to observe the irrationality of what goes on during an 'attack'.
I have been overwhelmed this week - you may remember that the reason that I have been away (or you may not have seen that post) is that I am doing another 12 step programme to recovery - this time in creativity - I figured that whilst Iw as sorting out my headspace about my body and food, that I should also give myself a headstart in what I actually want to do now that I am freeing up my head to think about my actual life. Wee 4 of the programme requires you to go on a diet of sorts - a reading deprivation week which means no tv, radio or reading or internet. These days one has to be quite draconian about it when we are at home because most of us have to read for work on an ongoing basis due to email.
In the past this week has always caused me to go loopy, because with so much silence and so much time to think and not dull my senses with episodes of Friends or message boards one gets a) very reflective and b) supposedly very productive.
I just seemed to lie down in the dark when I got home each night and mope. Which was depressing!
I spent a lot of time writing and a lot of time dwelling on past mistakes (I believe this is all part of the process - you bring up all of the old crap that has got you stuck in the past before sweeping it away for once and for all and this is obviously a very painful process) and by Wednesday I needed a release. What I should have done was turned on the bloody telly, but what I did was feed my face.
As I said - read the blog for more details, but there were some major positives. There was no question for more than 30 seconds of thinking I was a failure. I needed to do this, I did it, it was a moment of madness - it passed, I am on the wagon and in ketosis and ready for my last few weeks in total abstinence. I needed a moment of madness to show that I don't have to be a good girl the whole time - that I don't have to live my life in adapted child mode (I remember AJ wrote brilliantly about this in her management diary) there will be moments when the rebellious child comes out to play and although I am adult enough to keep those moments to a minimum - I need to know how to deal with her when she turns up and not to treat her like the enemy - just to laugh at her crazy ways and get on with being an adult once she's calmed down enough to talk to her.
I also shopped my arms off last weekend. I am now the proud owner of a Diane Von Furstenberg wrapover dress - it is quite simply the most expensive and classiest item of clothing I have ever owned. I look a BILLION dollars in it. However, at my current weight it is slightly too snug to wear and needs me to to get my last stone off for it to look perfect. That is my incentive to get to full goal and to stay within half a stone of it for at last as log as it takes to get the wear out of it. So I spent a lot of money on that (but it can be worn to the office, in the evening and to smart and casual things and will never go out of fashion)
I also found a Moschino top in TK Maxx that makes me look like a skinny fashionista! Hurrah for gorgeous clothes.
Also - one final incentive - in order to get into highstreet calf length boots, I have to lose at least an inch off my calves. As I've pointed out before - this seems to be the last area of my body to have any fat left in it - so legs crossed (to exercise them more
) the last stone will get me to my goal of gorgeous leather boots for autumn.
Breaking abstinence is not a disaster - yes you need to do some extra personal work around it when it happens, but there's no need to start wailing and gnashing your teeth and stopping altogether - if you get back on the horse straight after you've fallen, you'll keep your nerve - that's what I was always taught at riding school.
It looks like it's going to be a lovely day - so I have made myself st clements lollies using a £1.50 lolly mould that I found at Woolies - it's the cheapest I have found - not sure that it's as useful as the more expensive ones. Shall report back later!
I binged. I binged in a very limited period of time - and I make no secret of the fact that I am a recovering bulimic so I got the chance to observe the irrationality of what goes on during an 'attack'.
I have been overwhelmed this week - you may remember that the reason that I have been away (or you may not have seen that post) is that I am doing another 12 step programme to recovery - this time in creativity - I figured that whilst Iw as sorting out my headspace about my body and food, that I should also give myself a headstart in what I actually want to do now that I am freeing up my head to think about my actual life. Wee 4 of the programme requires you to go on a diet of sorts - a reading deprivation week which means no tv, radio or reading or internet. These days one has to be quite draconian about it when we are at home because most of us have to read for work on an ongoing basis due to email.
In the past this week has always caused me to go loopy, because with so much silence and so much time to think and not dull my senses with episodes of Friends or message boards one gets a) very reflective and b) supposedly very productive.
I just seemed to lie down in the dark when I got home each night and mope. Which was depressing!
I spent a lot of time writing and a lot of time dwelling on past mistakes (I believe this is all part of the process - you bring up all of the old crap that has got you stuck in the past before sweeping it away for once and for all and this is obviously a very painful process) and by Wednesday I needed a release. What I should have done was turned on the bloody telly, but what I did was feed my face.
As I said - read the blog for more details, but there were some major positives. There was no question for more than 30 seconds of thinking I was a failure. I needed to do this, I did it, it was a moment of madness - it passed, I am on the wagon and in ketosis and ready for my last few weeks in total abstinence. I needed a moment of madness to show that I don't have to be a good girl the whole time - that I don't have to live my life in adapted child mode (I remember AJ wrote brilliantly about this in her management diary) there will be moments when the rebellious child comes out to play and although I am adult enough to keep those moments to a minimum - I need to know how to deal with her when she turns up and not to treat her like the enemy - just to laugh at her crazy ways and get on with being an adult once she's calmed down enough to talk to her.
I also shopped my arms off last weekend. I am now the proud owner of a Diane Von Furstenberg wrapover dress - it is quite simply the most expensive and classiest item of clothing I have ever owned. I look a BILLION dollars in it. However, at my current weight it is slightly too snug to wear and needs me to to get my last stone off for it to look perfect. That is my incentive to get to full goal and to stay within half a stone of it for at last as log as it takes to get the wear out of it. So I spent a lot of money on that (but it can be worn to the office, in the evening and to smart and casual things and will never go out of fashion)
I also found a Moschino top in TK Maxx that makes me look like a skinny fashionista! Hurrah for gorgeous clothes.
Also - one final incentive - in order to get into highstreet calf length boots, I have to lose at least an inch off my calves. As I've pointed out before - this seems to be the last area of my body to have any fat left in it - so legs crossed (to exercise them more
) the last stone will get me to my goal of gorgeous leather boots for autumn.Breaking abstinence is not a disaster - yes you need to do some extra personal work around it when it happens, but there's no need to start wailing and gnashing your teeth and stopping altogether - if you get back on the horse straight after you've fallen, you'll keep your nerve - that's what I was always taught at riding school.
It looks like it's going to be a lovely day - so I have made myself st clements lollies using a £1.50 lolly mould that I found at Woolies - it's the cheapest I have found - not sure that it's as useful as the more expensive ones. Shall report back later!
