What have I learnt?

[nzmegs]

Conversation with hubby last night:
Me: When I reach my goal and have completed maintenance and I want to eat a food which I would have normally considered to be off-limits (such as desserts, biscuits, cake etc) can I rely on you to not make any comment about if I should be eating that or give me the old "look".I want to feel that I can eat anything I want when you are around and not feel like I have to hide my eating.

Him: The fact you asked that question makes me wonder if you have learnt anything at all while on LL. I can't promise to say nothing because if I see your eating getting out of control I will say so.

Me: I want to do that for myself. I need to be trusted that i am capable of working out for myself what I need or want and what I am able to eat or not eat. I am a normal weight - I just want to feel normal.


Anyway - the problem is that I will always feel uncomfortable eating "treats" (sorry about that word but it sums up how I feel about sugary foods) around my family. They have seen me avoiding those foods for years (and then not seen me eating them as often as possible at other times...).

I want to break that cycle and (within limits which I will set for myself) I want to eat in the same ways that other people do. With no guilt.

How do I lose that guilt associated with these "bad" foods and allow myself to eat them around other people in an open way? I will always feel like my husband is looking over my shoulder and I worry I will simply go back to eating in secret.

Should I just admit to myself that sugary foods are off limits for me altogether? I openly admit I am sugar addicted.

I just hate feeling like i am being watched. I have said that no one else has to right to question what I am eating. I am healthy and a healthy weight, so why should anyone else feel like they can comment? Is it just a habit that my husband has gotten into as well? How do i deal with it?

He is very slim and fit, by the way...

 

[nzmegs]

Just realised why this is worrying me. I have realised that despite months of being on LL, showing how committed I am, learning new ways of dealing with food, being honest and open about my feelings, changing bad habits etc etc - It seems like my husband still sees me in the exactly the same way. Untrustworthy, essentially a fat woman trying to burst out at any point, someone who can't stick to anything at all.

I am now realising that it is probably going to take months of maintaining before he accepts I have truly changed. It feels like the real battle is only just starting and it is going to much harder than i ever realised because i haven't proven anything at all yet.

 

[Emzy22]

Heya lovely,
I might not be the best one to answer this as I’m not married or anything so haven’t had to deal with a conversation like this but I’m just going to but my opinion and honestly feel free to ignore it if it’s just mindless rambling=P
Firstly you know how amazing me and everyone else on this forum thinks you are, you have come so far and done so amazingly will on this programme, and at the same time as being an inspiration in that respect you’ve also helped all of us on here with your thoughts, responses and ideas, so I to begin with I just want to say you are amazing.
Now onto the husband issue, like I said I may not understand the dynamics very well of married life but I think you need to tell you husband how you’re feeling. You’ve worked so hard to get to the weight you want to be and as we all know RTM and maintence is probably going to be the hardest part of LL, so you need his support instead of judgement. I understand his point of view in that if he thinks you may be overeating he feels he should step in an say something but there are ways to do this, having one biscuit does not mean he’s allowed to say ‘can you really eat that’? I think if you end up labelling foods as ‘bad’ or ‘off limits’ and trying to avoid them it’s just going to make you crave them more and then you could be more prone to a big binge of those types of food (this is what happens to me in my past experiences anyway), especially if you feel you might have to hide that you’re eating them to avoid your husbands disapproval.
Also (and I honestly mean NO offence) but I don’t think it’s fair for him to question whether you’ve learnt anything on LL, just by thinking about this situation now proves how much you’ve learnt and how far you’ve come. Before you just avoid sugary foods because they made you feel uncomfortable but now you’re facing up to that and trying to think of ways to incorporate them into your new healthy diet without it affecting your weight. Have you ever been able to pinpoint where you feel uncomfortable eating certain things around your family? I think if you could maybe pinpoint that you might be able to work on why you feel guilty eating them. Having saying you’re addicted to sugar, I think, is a massive massive step, and being aware of it is only going to help you, and I think as long as you keep working as hard as you have been, not cutting out one sort of food all together and just eating in moderation will in time mean you loose that guilty feeling you have around certain foods, you just need to give yourself some time to adjust lovely, you’ve been through a massive change so please don’t beat yourself up about anything, everything takes a little time and if you’ve always felt bad after eating sugary foods this will just be a thought that needs to be tackled CBT style and it might just take a bit longer to sort out.
By being on LL and sticking to it you have more than proven you’re ability to stick to something, and I really don’t think you’re husband sees you as anything but perfect, but you know what those men folk are like, they never seem to be able to do or say the right things sometimes=P I’m sure he feels like he is helping you by sort of letting you know that he’ll be your safety net and not let you revert back to unhealthy eating but you need to let him know how what he says is hurting you and not helping you feel any better about yourself. Once he’s seen your take on what he has said he should be able o look at his own comments and realise just how out of order they were to say to you after your months of commitment and hard work.
Try not to get to disheartened but all this beautiful little lady, if anything just take it as another chapter in your journey, we all have seen the drastic changes you’ve gone through, both inside and out, and it might take him a little while longer to realise what we all know already but do not let that hold you back. You do not have to prove anything to him and in time he’ll see that you’ve changed thinking, it’s just him that has to change his.
Sorry if I have waffled on and I don’t know if any of this is helpful, but I hope it makes some sort of sense=)xxxxxx

 

[nzmegs]

You are so sweet! it is really nice to hear that other people (even those who don't know me personally) can see that I have made great changes in my life both inside and out.

I really do know that my husband has lived with my ups and downs diet wise for 13 years. he has seen me lose and gain lots of weight. So I really do understand that he has fears for what the future might hold - although I also have those same fears.

What I want is to ensure that I don't repeat the same old patterns and for me, the issue of guilt around eating certain foods is a pattern I need to address. I feel that being completely open about what I am eating without any fear of being "told off" is what I need. It would make me feel that I am the one who is responsible for my own eating patterns and I would therefore be to blame if I make a mistake.

It would be different if I was to say that I wanted to lose a couple of pounds and he saw me not sticking to my plan for the week. But in every day life I need to feel like I am the one in control.

yes, married life can be difficult, but my husband has been amazing when it comes to helping me along this journey so far. I just don't think he realises that I have a different set of needs from this point. I need to take responsibility myself for my own diet.

He keeps saying that he will make sure I never go back to how I was. This journey and especially the counselling has actually taught me that I don't need anyone else to do that for me. I am responsible for my own body and what i put in it. I am my own adult and I don't need his adult telling me (the child) what to do. I will rebel against that despite his best intentions.

Yep a talk is in order. he thinks that it will just sort out in its own good time. But actually this point of feeling guilt about certain foods needs sorting. One to talk about in the meeting I think.

Does anyone else still feel guilty about eating certain foods due to pressure from other people?

 

[weasey]

Actually, this was something I was worried about a little while ago and I had a chat with my husband about it. Different trigger foods but the fear of judgement was the same. Having talked it through I'm a lot happier now but we'll see what happens when I'm back on real foods!

I agree with Emzy. I also have some waffling of my own though!

I felt very uncomfortable when you said that he said that he will make sure that you don't put the weight back on. He is so much in controlling parent mode and my rebellious child came straight out! It's worth you pointing out to him how you feel when he does things like like and explain that it is likely to make you rebel and potentially eat more than you oerwise would. Let him know that when he judges you harshly it hurts you and your gut reaction to being hurt is to turn to food. Tell him that if he really wants you to help you maintain he can't do that as a controlling parent and that you need his support. Tell him that you will share with him whenever you are feeling tempted, or if your reactions to food seem unhealthy, but in return you need him to trust you.

There is a phase of RTM which deals with trigger foods. Be open with him about that and tell him how you are feeling during that phase. Tell him that you have the support of your LLC through that and afterwards. You can't say that you'll never eat those things again - that's all or nothing crooked thhinking - you are bound to fail at some point. It's about coming up with coping strategies and perhaps setting yourself guidelines around these things. Share these plans with him. Let him know you are still learning - but this is your journey and you are strong enough to do it.

 

[nzmegs]

Thanks guys.

I don't want hubby to come across as controlling - he isn't. He cares - but perhaps doesn't know exactly how to show it in a way which is helpful I know that what he means is that he will help me to keep my weight in check - by encouraging me to do something about it at an early stage rather than later.

But saying that to someone who is sensitive about it is never easy anyway. I know the truth - but hate being told. I guess the answer is to never let it happen. To deal with it long before that stage is reached.

You know - just talking about this has really eased my mind. I will be discussing it further with him though.

Weasey i am pleased I wasn't the only one with these sorts of fears.

 

[bakedalaska]

I'm doing Exante, rather than LL, so I hope you don't mind if I reply.

It is a huge thing for him to adjust to. He has spent a long time as the "parent" worrying about your "child" overeating.

It is a fundamental shift in your relationship, you have profoundly changed, he needs so change too. You both need to navigate your changed relationship. But you get the support of LL. I'm guessing that LL doesn't offer support for partners. So it is going to take a while for him to catch up.

Keep talking to him, telling him how you feel, keep your side of it adult, to nudge him out of "parent". If it doesn't improve then consider going to a counsellor together. CBT has worked for you after all.

Remember he loves you, he just needs to learn to change the way that he expresses it.

 

[Ulysses31]

Keep talking to him, telling him how you feel, keep your side of it adult, to nudge him out of "parent". If it doesn't improve then consider going to a counsellor together. CBT has worked for you after all.

Remember he loves you, he just needs to learn to change the way that he expresses it.

This.

I'm single, so haven't had to deal with a partner's reactions to my eating. But I know how my ex would have reacted if she'd seen me eating 'the wrong things'. It's definitely them trying to help, but not quite knowing when and how to say something.

(oh sorry, I should say at this point that I've already done RTM and have been maintaining for 3 months)

At work everyone has seen how well I've done, and a few people did comment when they first saw me eating something sweet afterward. Usually it was, "Is that allowed?", to which my response was that anything is allowed, as long as I don't overdo it. And that's the logic I'm following. There are foods that I won't eat very often, or very much of, but I absolutely will not ban them. As soon as something is banned, the urge to eat it increases exponentially.

But I digress. I can see that your husband wants to help you, but because he hasn't had the same counselling as you, his mindset hasn't shifted. He will need to be careful not to assume that you're going back to your old ways the very first time he sees you eat something sweet. What you're actually doing is striding boldly into your new ways by eating something sweet. You're taking exactly the right approach by having these conversations with him up front. If (heaven forbid) you were to start going off the rails, it would be a good thing for him to help rein you in - but from what I've read, you don't need that help anymore.

 

[AnnieAnnie]

I'm doing cd but a few people on there have recommended Gillian Riley's book on overeating. Seemingly, it's as relevant if you binge eat or just eat too much. I'm waiting for my copy to arrive. I planned to maintain & totally avoid triggers, but it seems I have trigger groups (carbs) rather than specific individual items &, if I can, would love to incorporate them in to my way of eating without obsessing. It's good that at least you & your husband can talk about these things & you can explain that if he makes a comment about something you're eating such as chocolate then it's likely to make you rebel & eat more (if it would). Good luck.

 

[rosieposie]

I'm nowhere near management but looking on forum as i've struggled today (and lost) with wanting to eat, so Annnie
I was very interested to read about book so have just ordered it in hope that it will be another tool to help me control my eating.
Still struggling to regain control and not eat anything else today. Really feel stuffed but still want to eat. I know it's emotional but that doesn't seem to be helping at the moment.
Sundays always a challenge. Lessons still to be learnt.
Thank you all for your posts they are inspiring.

 

[AnnieAnnie]

I can't wait for mine to arrive. I fins.cd the easier bit & eating after the diet the hard bit. I must admit I can always stick to ss once my head is in the right place. BUT, I sometimes think people who struggle do better in the long term as they learn more about their eating along the way. You've had the opportunity to learn tonight, which is a positive thing & will help you, although it doesn't feel like that I guess. Just think, I'll have that lesson still to learn.

 

[ROSB]

My previous Councillor once told me that as I find doing the LL diet 'easy' then I will find the maintenance hard - I didnt actually do the Maintenance last time - but it did take a couple of years for the weight to start going on again - hence doing it again now 7 years later....

Once again I am finding doing LL easy - just hope that I can Maintain this time.

The thought of actually having to go back to 'proper' food fills me with dread at the moment but I have several more weeks to go before I get to goal so hopefully will be able to cope by then.

 

[nzmegs]

Thanks for all your responses over the weekend. it seems that many of us have the same concerns about maintenance. I think the fact that it seems so secretive is not a good thing. Most of us have no idea what will happen, how we will feel, what we can eat etc.Explaining it to other people is therefore impossible.

I had the MIL over for Mother's day yesterday and she is also wanting to lose weight. All I can suggest is doing LL - but she made a statement which really irritated me. She said "I am just too lazy and I eat too much". I quickly pulled her up on that.

I pointed out that she can't be lazy because of all the other things in her life she achieves and she needed to realise that it isn't the amount of food she is eating, it is the types of food. She is carbohydrate addicted and breaking that addiction is hard. But once done she will feel free and able to carry on until she gets there.

That attitude is really sad. I feel sorry for her and recognise myself in her struggles.But at the same time I feel like I don't want to get involved. it can't be something i force anyone into and I know from past experience that if she can't stick to it will feel frustrated.

it made me understand my husband better. If I felt frustrated with my MIL (who asked me for advice - but never takes any of it) he must have felt doubly frustrated with me at times. I accepted the advice and then did my own thing.

Didn't really talk about the food issue this weekend. But I will choose a time this week which is appropriate.

 

[weasey]

Have you done the module which has a week on game playing? I think it gives an example (might be in our green journey book too) of almost exactly the scenario you described with your MIL. Someone asking for help, the other one trying to be rescuer but the first person finding reasons why everything won't work and the first person shifting to victim. According to the theory these games are repeated patterns between people and it may be that this is a common pattern for you MIL. The only way to deal with this is to try to step into your adult mode when you recognise the pattern - refuse to play the game. Not sure if that would change anything you did, giving advice etc would be the same, but it might take away the emotion you were left with at the end. People often ask for advice when they just want to chat. If she really wanted to do something about her weight and really wanted your advice you'd be able to tell from her reactions.

 

[nzmegs]

Yes, that is exactly it. Well done Weasey. I hadn't realised it was game playing, but of course it was. This is a typical conversation which I have with her. and one which I used to have with other people, including my husband time and again. it was constant excuses for why everything was too hard.

In her case it is time, money, too tired, I live alone and can't cook for one etc etc. I used to play along and sympathise - but I have to say that I can't have the conversations any longer. I just am not interested in excuses (although I understand what is behind it). All I can do is tell her what i believe to be the right path to take and if she decides for herself then great. if not there is not much else I can do.

I failed to notice the times i did this myself. Many of my female relationships centred around conversations about diets and food. Thinking about it, it was pretty dull actually. We all wanted to outdo each other with the latest diet or eating/exercise plan. We all tried to be the slimmest of the bunch of fat women and that title was taken by one person after another. But perhaps these relationships were toxic to losing weight in the first place.

As friends we thought we were helping each other along and offering advice and sympathy. But really we were sabotaging each other. In the back of my mind I wanted to be the one who found the secret. Now I suppose, I am that one. But I no longer care. What they do with their bodies is not my business because I don't compare myself to them any more.

Losing weight really affects everything about what makes you the person you think you are. You fundamentally change (as long as you get to grips with the reasons behind your overeating). For me, my priorities have changed.

Today as an example, I went for a walk for an hour and a half. We live on the edge of the town and so I was able to venture into the countryside. the sun was shining and walked for miles over fields and up hills. It was brilliant. I felt light in my body and light in my mind. Never mind that walking is a way to keep the weight off - it also made me feel amazing. I didn't need anything but the fresh air and the sun - no food, no wine and no one else.

It no longer feels selfish to me to be alone, to look after myself and to take the time to enjoy my new body. If that means that my friendships and family relationships change. I guess I will have to accept that.

I recommend a walk to anyone who is feeling tired, rushed or overwhelmed. Just get out in the sun and enjoy the start of spring. it will put things into perspective...

 

[weasey]

Ooo - you've enthused me to go for a walk! I love walking. Can't do it today or tomorrow but I could put the whole of Wednesday aside for a bit of me time and a lovely walk! Fingers crossed it doesn't pour with rain!

I think the best bit about LL is the therapy and if you are open to it it can completely change your life - not just your weight. There are other, cheaper, VLCD diets but the power of LL is in total abstinance and therapy. Taking food out of the equation for me was far more powerful in helping me to understand my relationship with food than I would ever have predicted. Combining that with therapy which encouraged me to be intraspective was life changing. I moved to lite about a month ago because I was at a stage where I wanted to start practicing what I had been thinking about and effectively to extend the RTM stage. I spent over 6 months on total and wouldn't change it for anything.

I see a number of people who come to the classes and don't seem that interested in the therapy side. It seems such a shame to throw away an opportunity like that. Listen to me! I sound like I work for the LL marketing department! (Which I don't in case you're wondering!!)

 

[rosieposie]

We often don't seem to have much time for the therapy after weigh ins. Does anyone know how long we are supposed to spend on it?
Last week we didn't even look at a module. However the discussion we did have about people who had been on programme for 5 months and struggling was interesting and I'm sure useful.

 

[weasey]

We often don't seem to have much time for the therapy after weigh ins. Does anyone know how long we are supposed to spend on it?
Last week we didn't even look at a module. However the discussion we did have about people who had been on programme for 5 months and struggling was interesting and I'm sure useful.

Some LLCs are better than others. If you have a big class then weigh in can take a while. It is supposed to be weighing for the first 30 mins and then an hour of counselling. Normally we end up with 45 mins of counselling. I decided a while ago to be more assertive about the counselling as my LLC kept wanting to finish 30 minutes early or not start a module book. If she wanted to finish early I would use it as an opportunity to ask questions about things or to talk about a reaction I had to food. I would ask what module we were due to start next week. I was a lot happier with the counselling once I stopped being completely passive in what was happening.

 

[nzmegs]

I think that the more you take part in the counselling the more you get out of it. I wasn't able to go a couple of weeks ago and my counsellor said that she really missed me because i was always the one to get things started. if she asks a question she can rely on me to pipe up.

I look at it this way - I am paying for it and I am going to get my money's worth. Some people are just shy though and I am sure they take it all in anyway. I hope that my talking helps them.

Speaking of the walking. I have just come home from another 30 mins walk to get my daughter from school. Now feeling tired. But due to my walk this morning I am behind on my work - deadline today which I am gong to have a bit of trouble with...totally worth it though.

I have my WI tomorrow. I wanted to lose 4 pounds to get to my goal. I doubt that is going to happen. So one more week on total for me I expect. I am looking at the bright side. If I only need to lose one more pound I can expect to end up at below my goal after another week which would be a nice bonus. or i could eat some bars this week and have a nice treat each evening....hmmm choices.