What is wrong with me?

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by Devon, 9 May 2007 Social URL.

  1. Devon

    Devon Member

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    What a way to jump in, eh :wave_cry: but I'm so upset with myself right now, I really need so support.

    Several years ago I found myself weighing 206lbs and newly separated, restarting my career, I put myself on a low-carb sort of plan, stuck to it faithfully and lost 66lbs which I kept off for several years.
    I then got pregnant, had some medical issues, lost a baby, got pregnant again and found myself after my daughter was born last Sept. weighing 215lbs. I joined a gym and went 4 times before letting it lapse (I used to love working out). I tried to low-carb and cheated constantly. So my doctor suggested LL and I signed up for a group in February.
    I made it one week. Lost from 215 to 206 (with a couple of lapses) and still quit. Partially because of my breastfeeding - it's fine, I know how to do it and such but was worried about my supply and the baby was just starting solids at that time. I think I just got scared and had a handy excuse to back away. My leader and I agreed to just leave it for a bit until I was on more stable footing. (I've talked to HQ, my GP and a couple of leaders, one of whom is on maintenance while BFing herself so have made an educated decision there and am on lactation supplements and having baby weighed weekly to make sure all is well for her also)

    So I called and started back (was up to 210 again, not bad for 2 months) and here it is week 3. I've barely gotten through a day without lapsing and am totally stalled at 206, not in ketosis. My husband is fabulously supportive. I've got all sorts of motivation and encouragement to do this from my family. My friends are concerned but supportive. I am a SAHM so boredom and stress are part of the job and food is always around (I do try to keep my major triggers out of the house but when I'm on autopilot anything will do) but it's not just that, I'm lapsing into addictive eating almost every day, at all hours, with no one thing to 'trigger' it at all. I get hungry or bored or upset or busy and bang, there I go again. I'm so cross with myself and cannot figure out why I'm doing this or how to stop the cycle and get off. I want to succeed at this, I know I can, why can't I get it going? Any tips, tricks, insights, anything? Anyone else who has successfully coped with this kind of senseless self-sabotage? I told my husband I feel so weak, I need a LL bootcamp/spa where there's no opportunity to 'cheat' to get my through a good week of abstinance - once in ketosis I'll be fine but at this rate I'll never get there! Help!
     
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  3. Russiandoll

    Russiandoll Carpe diem

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    I do feel for you! You have a lot on your plate - stress is a big trigger for me: sounds like it could be something that is adversely affecting you too.

    I am terribly self-destructive and also very 'all or nothing' ... I'm either SSing like a saint or binging like a possessed maniac. Incidentally, I don't tend to binge on 'the usuals' (choc, crisps etc) but on bizzarre things - my most recent being cottage cheese. I could easily graze my way through a couple of kilos in a day :eek:

    So now I'm back to SSing - day 2. I fear this is a merry-go-round I'm never going to be able to get off!

    I'm probably not the best person to advise you as I'm yo-yo.com when it comes to weight issues ... just to let you know I understand and sympathise.

    There will probably be someone along in a mo who is in a much better position to offer some practical advice :)

    Meanwhile, here's a hug! (((you)))
     
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  4. sonkie

    sonkie Gold Member

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    Aww hun you really have to be in the right mind set to succeed. Either find a hobby or get hubby to lock the food cupboards...lol A bit extreme but I nearly got this low.

    I have now focused on where I want to be in 6 months 1 year from now. Dont look at your weight as a whole, I look at mine 1 stone at a time, makes it much less daunting.
    Best of all come on here and keep out of the kitchen.
     
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  5. angelxx

    angelxx Full Member

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    Hi Devon, you have sort of answered the question yourself really, like you said you get bored ,angry etc, i stay at home now to, and find it much harder when i am on my own ,than when i am in company. Perhaps you could write down when you have a binge over a period of a month and see if there are any petterns, i did this and have found that the week before my totm i go baserk i also secretly binge when i am on my own be it through boredom or whatever, you know the only person who can help you is You and when the time is right you will, i promise, don't forget you have a lot going on at the moment and tiredness will be one of the issues!! i know, my youngest is now 6 and i have tried and tried before to diet but i just wasn't ready, however my time is now as i am more able to cope have more time to confront my issues with food, be patient and don't put to much pressure on yourself your time will come where you will feel strong enough, i promise!!! at the moment i would concentrate on loving yourself a bit more and of course your baby, good luck Angelxx
     
  6. Isobel1965

    Isobel1965 Gold Member

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    Hi there! Are you still breast feeding? On CD you are not permitted to SS whilst you are lactating - your body is just not up to it plus the quality of the breast milk will be impaired. I'm surprised that you were allowed to start LL tbh.

    Maybe your body is just trying to tell you that you should wait until you stop feeding your child before attempting to get into ketosis.

    Having breastfed 3 babies (the first two until they were toddlers), I know that I needed carbs to give me the energy to do so.

    Anyhoo, just a thought.

    I firmly believe that it's virtually impossible to SS unless you are in a very positive, determined state of mind and in good health.

    I've made umpteen half-hearted attempts which have always backfired and have felt a failure as a result. Maybe you just need to wait until you feel absolutely resolute that nothing will stop you?

    xxxx
     
  7. RED

    RED Full Member

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    Hi Babe...firstly *BIG HUG* ....I can really empathise with you as I am and expery starter and stopper and the majority of times I have stopped have been due to stress I have just got through day 3 after a few false starts since joining LL last month...Hold in there...we're all in this together...when you feel stressed come on here and air out everyone's here to support each other!! *BIG HUG*
     
  8. gaijingirl

    gaijingirl has lying hips

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    Hey there - just another supportive hug from me. I'm like Russian Doll too I'm afraid - all or nothing - very much so! Personally the bingeing for me becomes so extreme and upsetting and painful (as I then purge) that it's a relief to get back to packs. I've only done this twice so far and I'm only planning to be on packs for another couple of weeks and then to come off slowly and in a controlled manner!

    What I will say is that I've only really been able to succeed in getting onto packs properly when I really do feel that all is lost! When I first went on I was depressed to the point of not leaving the house anymore - except to buy more food to binge on in bed! This is why it's so much harder for me now at my new weight - I'm not as motivated.

    You mentioned that you enjoy going to the gym and working out - can you take that up again? Is there a gym with a creche for your little'un? Also do you have those "watch with mother" shows at your local cinema? Or something locally you can get involved with? I find for me that distraction is the best way to keep me away from food - if I'm busy and stimulated I'm ok, the minute I'm bored or have a window of opportunity in my mind, my head turns to food. The best thing really to keep my mind off it is also exercise. Maybe you should focus more on that, in the first instance, and worry about LL later?

    Sorry - probably not the most helpful advice - but anyway, best of luck with whatever you do!
     
  9. AmandaJayne

    AmandaJayne Trainee Maintainer

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    Hia Devon,

    Firstly, congratulations on the birth of your daughter. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your other child.

    Well done too for initially losing 66lbs by yourself following a low-carb diet, and for keeping it off for so long!

    I imagine you chose LL because (a) it takes you away from food and allows you to deal with the issues, (b) it's quick, and (c) it includes CBT so you can get to grips with the reasons why you have self-destructive eating habits.

    LL is the most difficult and the easiest weight loss programme to do. Once you are in ketosis your appetite reduces and eventually disappears and you have more energy.

    However, eating at the same time is a big no no. Firstly because psychologically it really does weaken your resolve not to do it again. You sort of 'give yourself permission' to lapse again subconsciously, and so make the rest of the programme much harder to do SS.

    Secondly, you come out of ketosis. Ketosis enables you to burn fat and takes away feelings of hunger. This is a double whammy and you can see why it is not a good idea to eat while doing LL. Life is hard enough!

    If you want to succeed with the programme you will have some hard work to do to get back on track mentally and physically.

    I am encouraged that you have the full support of your husband and family - you will need it.

    The only advice I can give you is to remove from the house any foods which are a problem for you. Your husband can help here by agreeing to cook for himself when possible, or agree to keep foods which are a problem for you out of sight (hidden), which he can access when he needs them. Your family can help by encouraging you whenever possible, and not putting pressure on you to eat at social occasions or family gatherings.

    It is possible to get back on track, but you have to be prepared for short-term discomfort, boredom, anxiety.

    However, if you can imagine yourself in the near future playing with your beautiful daughter as she toddles around, running after her effortessly, taking her swimming, to the playpark, feeling fantastic, bursting with energy - won't it be worth the short-term discomfort for the long term wonderful future???

    It wish you the very best of luck, Devon.
     
  10. Devon

    Devon Member

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    Thanks so much everyone. I guess I just hit a wall there and was so ticked off with the start/stop thing every day and just really needed to hear all of that!
    I think part of the problem is fear, of losing the nursing bond with my daughter (there were issues with my last one I had to give up nursing after 2 weeks, my 3 older children I BF for 2 years each) and also, deep down, fear of failure so I'm not really 'trying' and thus can't really fail or at least have a good reason when I inevitably do. I've just come back from picking up this week's packs at pop in and talked with my counsellor and she and I agree that the management intro is just not working, mentally or physically for me. So I'm on the lactation aid in my water and on abstinance as of today and will probably be in here all the time for a bit, I really need to break the 'break cycle'.

    I've got some good distraction coming up (besides Wii sports, I love that thing), 3 hours in the dental chair on Saturday should ensure that all I can eat all weekend is shakes anyway, temptation or no ;)
     
  11. In search of me

    In search of me Silver Member

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    aww big hugs. This diet is tough, hell at times and I can only speak from my own experience and say that probably the 1 thing that has helped me is taking it a day at a time - not focussing on the whole journey (which is looooong in my case!) but just getting through each day, hour and sometimes even minute. When I feel tempted I try to distract myself (on here, bath, bed early, nails, face pack...) It still amazes me that I've got so far and I've been so touched by the support I've had from everyone - only two exceptions in 8 weeks! For me the other thing is that I was SO angry at myself for what I've become just sad thats it, enough and managed to channel the anger I felt into refusing to cheat. It's is not an option for me & I now know that I will NEVER go back to where I was. I really hope, with all my heart, that you manage to find this within you. LL is a great programme whch will help you look at why you eat in a supportive environment but no one would ever say that its easy cos it really isnt! Huge hugs for you & great that you sound like you have a supportive & understanding LLC!
     
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