A quest for the old happy Em

[EmmyLou30]

Aw it was bad Jane, bad!! Well I guess it could have been worse given how little I moved off the sofa or out of bed - 2lb gain. So I've lost the 2.5 stone award by 2lb now. The weekend wasn't amazing diet wise, had a buffet at a christening, then some chips last night as we got back late from said christening and couldn't be bothered to cook anything.

I did make some SW friendly egg curry again Saturday night and it was my best go at it yet I think.

It was a bit depressing walking round the shops in the afternoon though as I feel so much fatter now and I just don't have the desire to buy stuff now as I know I'll be inbetween sizes again. I did manage to get a nice turquoise shrug to go with my black dress for the works do, the Spring Ball, this comign Saturday. I can still get in the dress as I only bought it recently!

This year is going scarily fast again and right now I'm thinking the holiday in September will be here before I know it and after my last holiday last September I really hoped I'd be at target by the next one - er yeah, right! Never gonna happen. Why can't I get some will power if I'm that unhappy with how I look!? Argh.

 

[Jane R]

I Know the feeling EmmyLou, still it could have been worse EmmyLou. Good luck for the rest of the week. x

 

[EmmyLou30]

It starts again today, writing things down and getting back in control. I'm still feeling a bit coughy and coldy but I'm going to give the gym a go for the first time in a 3 weeks tomorrow and see how I get on. I'm sure when I saw a work mate the other day the glance up and down me was a 'oh, she looks to have porked on the weight again' look :-(

So far today 3.5 syns, my 2 hexB's and a hexA. Think I need to stop off and get fruit on the way home though as I've not got back to eating much of that since being ill.

 

[Jane R]

Looking good EmmyLou. x

 

[Jane R]

Where are you emmyLou? Hope that all is well with you. x

 

[EmmyLou30]

I've been so rubbish Jane, really not getting my head back in the right place. I think I might just have had the kick up the backside I need this morning though.....seeing 14 stone on the scales again :-( I was 12st 10lb at my lightest!! It's been creeping up slowly, just under a pound a week, but if that carries on I'll be back up to 16st 3lb (my heaviest) in no time which is NOT going to happen. I was exactly 14 stone this morning so I've got the spreadsheet back out, ticked off what I've got in my lunch today and I'm off to the gym after work.

We're off to Manchester this weekend for around 6 hours of snowboarding lessons so that'll be lots of calories burnt. The balance will be we have to eat out or grab stuff from M&S. Friday night is fine and we come back Monday morning so it'll be 2 days I have to wing it a bit. I'll try and make good choices (unlike last time we went there! which is a sugary blur of doughnuts, ice cream and cake).

It's such a depressing thing to have all your trousers get tight again when you can remember them getting loose before. It's been about a year now of gaining and losing, and more recently just gaining. I will put this down to my various medical issues in part but it's also been me too. The odd chocolate bar here and there, not making the best choices in restaurants, not preparing lunch and grabbing a roll instead from the sandwich shop. It all adds up.

I think I still have a bit of a battle going on in my head where one half (the intelligent and realistic good half) says you can't eat like normal people, you know you can't, so just get back to the 1000 cals a day and the gym and we'll be back on track to lose a pound a week and you'll be happier for it.....the other half of my head (the self pitying, pathetic, weak and annoying bad half) says one little bag of chocolate buttons, or a cheese roll, or a takeaway won't hurt, you deserve it, everyone else does it, why should you punish yourself with dieting. I need to get control of the bad half and shut him up!!

 

[Jane R]

I can sympathise with you EmmyLou as I am also fighting a battle with myself. Its getting our heads in the right place. Chin up girl you know that you can do it! x

 

[EmmyLou30]

Thanks Jane. I've just had some roasted veg and pasta for lunch and syned my pesto. I found a lower fat one in Asda last night and it tastes the same as normal stuff to me but it's lower in syns so I'll be buying that again.

I have satsumas to get me through the afternoon now and an alpen light.

 

[EmmyLou30]

Day one done, 10.5 syns. I tried those new Quorn BBQ sticky fillets and they were really nice – even better when I found they were syn free! I didn’t make it to the gym though :-( Just too tired.

Today is looking good, lunch is a jacket spud (those microwave ones as they’re only 1 syn and nice and quick for work) and beans. No cheese unfortunately but that’s probably for the best. Not sure about tea, maybe the same as last night, McCain rustic chips, peas and quorn fillet as that was only 2 syns for the chips.

Wearing the trousers of shame again to work, they’re tighter than when I wore them last time and I wouldn’t want them tighter. I don’t have the next size up so I really need to get a few pounds off soon!

 

[Jane R]

Looking good EmmyLou, just take it one day at a time, that's what I am doing. My trousers are also on the snug side unfortunatly! x

 

[EmmyLou30]

Day two done, 7 syns. I finished off the rest of the BBQ quorn fillets last night with some rustic chips and as I hadn't used my hexA I had cheesy chips, mmmm. Not sure how today is going to go, I have a jacket spud and beans for lunch with a muller light but then tea is a mystery. Not sure I'll have time to get anything at home before we head off to Manchester, might have to stop on the way and grab a sandwich. The next two days will be a write off but hopefully I can balance any food with the snowboarding calories I'll burn

 

[Jane R]

Hope that you have a good weekend EmmyLou. x

 

[Jane R]

Hmm ...I am getting a bit worried now Em, hope that you are OK. x

 

[EmmyLou30]

Thank-you so much for the concern Jane, really nice to know I'm being missed In truth I've just been totally unfocussed again and as the scales have been very mean I've been shying away from confessing on here

My weight is now 14 st 3.6....0.4 of a pound away from being 200lb again which is a milestone I really don't want to repeat. It's getting silly and seeing those around me lose weight is hopefully motivating me enough to be strict from today. Only 16 weeks till our cruise so at a pound a week I could get back to within half a stone of where I was (ready to gain a bit back on hols!!).


My weekend in Manchester, which feels like it was ages ago, is what I was about to do when I wrote my last entry on here. It was a really good weekend and turned out I was ok at the snowboarding and definitely was up the better end of the class. That made me feel good as I was clearly the fattest and most unfit and the better ones of the group could all ski already and had boarded before too. Amazing how much I felt the effect of not having gymed for a month before hand because of the bug I'd had which I was still coughing from. Goodness knows how awful I'll feel when I do get back to the gym after a further month off....not been since the boarding.

Although I didn't fall over very much, when I did I went down hard (my own fault for being a fatty I guess). So both my knees were bruised up and although they now look ok they still feel bruised and I can't put pressure on them - amazing how many jobs round the house require you to kneel down! I also had one bad fall on my coccyx which is why I've been unable to gym. I can walk slowly but walking at a normal pace or up stairs really hurts, as does lying on my back or sat at certain angles so that pretty much rules out the cross trainer, treadmill and rowing machine. The lying down obviously doesn't affect my gyming, just my sleep. It's actually getting more painful rather than less but it doesn't hurt to poke it, the bruising must be deeper than that. Not sure what to do really....I'm considering dosing myself on pain killers to take the edge off and just going to the gym anyway. I think if I'd broken it it would hurt more so I don't think I'll do any damage. I think my other half is getting a bit more worried about it as this is how my friend who died last year's cancer started. She hurt her coccyx, it didn't heal up but just got worse, then they found the cancer that chose that moment to show itself masked by the pain of the coccyx injury. I don't think for one second I have the same but for him I think it's too familiar so he gets worried about me, especially as he knows my attitude to that sort of thing and knows I'd be unlikely to get any help for it. Fingers crossed it gets better soon as all this inactivity really isn't helping my weight.

So, day one, off we go....

 

[EmmyLou30]

I just said no to cake for the first time in ages! Totally in the zone ;-) Far too many birthdays in the office lately that's had me munching away and thinking 'what the hell'....so even though they were small cakes I thought it was best to say no and avoid them completely. I seem to do better with chocolate etc if I just avoid it completely, I don't seem to be able to have a small bit and stop.

 

[Jane R]

So gald to see you back EmmyLou. I have also put on a fair bit of weight and feel really fed up with myself but at least we have the support of minimins. Good luck with your first day back and well done on resisting the cakes! x

 

[EmmyLou30]

So I resisted cakes from 2 different people yesterday at work, and then my boyfriend who wanted something nice for pudding after dinner and wanted to go to Tesco for cake/chocolate.....I put my foot down and said no which obviously hasn't happened for months as it's usually me suggesting we do that and he gives in to me - he said 'oh you're so mean, why the will power all of a sudden!?' I was quite pleased with myself for staying strong when faced with his sulky pout! I did explain that my will power is a very rare occurance these days and it was best for both of us as he's dieting too.

I come in to the office today to find a stack of home made brownies and flapjacks for someone elses birthday - argh! Thankfully at this moment I'm feeling strong and I'm not tempted to nab one. I clocked up 11.5 syns yesterday and was back to my old habit of scale hopping again this morning and they showed a 0.3lb loss so I know in just one day it's unlikely they'll be reading acurately but anything down keeps me motivated. Watching a programme on channel 4 last week called secret eaters they actually suggested you weigh yourself every day to try and keep in control of your weight.

Ready for day two and trying not to walk past the table of cakes!

 

[Jane R]

Well done EmmyLou, day one over. You are doing a lot better than me I am pleased to say! x

 

[EmmyLou30]

I'm sure it won't last long Jane but fingers crossed it does. I'll be sending you will power vibes so you get a 100% day too

 

[EmmyLou30]

My boyfriend came home last night with garlic bread, yeah thanks! I didn't want any and wasn't even tempted but he said he didn't want to eat it all alone so I had two pieces....and instead of just saying 'what the hell' and eating more or writing the day off I wrote down all 9, yes 9, syns (so not worth it, weren't even worth half that) and carried 2 of them over to today rather than write them off. Today should be a low syn day so those extra 2 I had yesterday should balance out ok.

The scales told me I'd lost 1 lb this morning, yay! I'm really hoping that first week back on plan sees me lose 2.5 lb, then if I can lose just over a pound next week I'll see 13 something on the scales again instead of 14.

Tomorrow I'm going to be going out for lunch and having pad thai with tofu instead of chicken, not sure how bad that will be. It's all free foods aside from the oil it's cooked in so if I really behave the rest of the day it should be ok.