Am I being mean??

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by SLACK ALICE, 10 May 2010 Social URL.

  1. SLACK ALICE

    SLACK ALICE Silver Member

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    Am I being mean or what ?
    The thing is my nearly 21 yr old daughter works full time and spends her week between here and her boyfriends house - niether her or her boyfriend pay any rent at both parents houses, they have all the free food and water and electric they want -in return for nothing.
    Tommorow my daughter has an appointment that she has been waiting for for years, she did have an appointment at a hospital nearer to us , but as she couldnt wait she got it changed to leicester hospital , which is a 2 hour drive from here. The thing is my husband said to her today , can you pay something towards petrol- she told him where to go and that he was out of order asking and that she would get her boyfriend to take her. !!. I did say I would take her but didnt realise money would be tight this month. She said that you didnt'' offer to take someone and then ask for petrol'' I did tell her that I didnt realise we would be skint. She said that she has got to buy petrol this week for her car !!
    Both me and hubby have taken days off tommorow- his is a holiday and i have changed my shift. Are we being unreasonable to ask for some help towards petrol?
    Her bedroom is a total tip and im fed up of the mess I ask her to tidy it and she says ... yeah later .. then goes out. she buys new clothes every week and just dumps them in her room. This week her boy freind bought 3 items of clothing for £150 :eek::eek: thats like 2/3 weeks food bill and she wanted to buy a pair of jeans at £45 but was annoyed that they didnt have her size !!. I do all her washing for her. She sometimes will buy a loaf of bread , as we dont have that much bread in ( i dont eat a lot now on SW), but if hubby wants 2 slices she hits the roof !! and when I say ''now you know what it feels like when you eat our food that we buy'' ... she saids she is allowed to eat our food as we are her parents !!!!
    I dont ask her for any rent as she looks after our son (disabled) when its school holidays and I have to go work . I just dont know what to do ... should we take her free of charge ( we are really skint this month till payday 24th) or stand our grounds and have a day off and get on with some stuff we want to do ?? and teach her a lesson ?
     
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  3. SaraC

    SaraC Green Day Diva!!

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    Hiya,

    I would ask her to pay something each week towards her keep, we have my 19year old sister living with us at the moment (long story) but she pays £25 a week (which barely covers the extra food) but at least she knows she has to pay something (although that includes all of the food for each meal and her tea cooked each night), I was even doing her washing but she was putting everything in so I knocked that on the head.

    I would say that she needs to realise that she needs to contribute, if not she will have no idea for when she leaves home of how much things costs etc and will continue to take you all for granted :).

    Hope this helps
     
  4. Morgawr

    Morgawr Silver Member

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    I live with my mother (sad but can't afford to rent privately around here) and I pay a certain amount every month towards the bills. The only time I didn't was when I was between jobs (fortunately wasnt' long) and it was a struggle then to pay for anything, but I felt awful about it and my self-esteem went right down.

    I personally feel better about myself when I am paying my share of the outgoings.

    Sorry turned into a bit of a ramble there, but hope it may give some help.
     
  5. Happy Holidays

    Happy Holidays Gold Member

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    You definately need to set some ground rules. I've think you've been too soft. My children were brought up to know whilst they were at college/uni they wouldn't need to pay any board, but once they finish they will be expected to pay something.

    Even it's just a small amount your daughter needs to pay something if she's working & earning money she must contribute to the household, if not she finds somewhere else to live. It's hard but that's life, she can't expect to have a roof over her head & food on the table for nothing.

    As for the petrol money if you did promise to take her initially I do think it's unfair now to ask for money.
     
  6. SLACK ALICE

    SLACK ALICE Silver Member

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    we only asked for some petrol money, because hubby looked at tyre on the car and we need one today, ,thats £40 , otherwise we will wait till pay day to buy it - so if we buy tyre and petrol today that will be £60/65 quid - money i just havent got
     
  7. eternity

    eternity Gold Member

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    I think that going forward you should negotiate that she pays you some money every payday. She will create a scene and shout because that will shut you up. Ask her to behave like an adult because an arrangement has to be made. She should make a contribution to bills and food, don't back down.

    I think it was a little unfortunate for you to ask for petrol money to take her to the hospital today, but if you really don't have the money for the petrol it was probably the only thing you could do. Maybe ask to borrow the petrol money off her to show good faith?
     
  8. Mrs V

    Mrs V Loves Life!

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    I have to agree with the others Hun.
    Firstly I dont think you are being mean to ask her to contribute something to living at the house...even part time, she is still eating your food, using water electricity etc. I had to pay my parents £40 a week (I was earning £85 a week when I was 16) and although I thought it was high and unfair, I still did it as I respected their home. I think your Daughter sounds as if she has got away with things for too long and knows how to play you. (Kids have a knack of doing this, especially if they get away with it more than once regardless of age).
    About her room. I would ask her to tidy it and give her a time limit. A friend of mine, asked his Daughter and she gave him the same response as you are getting. He then gave her an ultimatum..she either clean her room, otherwise it would go through the bedroom window....she came home one Saturday afternoon to find her entire bedroom in the front garden...needless to say, she has never messed up her room again, especially as he made her put it all back (bed included!)...maybe a little harsh, but if you threaten to perhaps sell the clothes that are lying around on the floor and then do it, she will know not to mess with you.
    The petrol one is a bit of a toughie. If you had said that you would take her, then whilst I would agree to ask for petrol money is a bit much; if you have explained to her that you are short on cash, then what is the harm in asking for a bit of fuel money?

    I hope it gets sorted soon Hun.

    xxxx
     
  9. julie19

    julie19 Silver Member

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    Personally I think you should stand your ground & ask her for contributions towards the bills at least, I know she looks after your other child in holidays but that's what families do....I was brought up always to pay my own way, I still remember my first pay packet (£250 for a whole month of full time work), I went home so excited & feeling dead rich then mum took £100 of it off me for rent...I learnt quickly to make it last the month. I think it is more unreasonable for her to be living off you then going out & buying jeans for £45 - that's a weeks shopping in our house!
     
  10. emmaleonie1984

    emmaleonie1984 Full Member

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    Hi, hope you dont mind me posting..your daughter defo has it easy!!! Personally i feel she is taking the pee..she treats your house like a hotel and has everything done for her for free. I am 25 and lived with my mum and dad untill june last year, as soon as i started working full time at 19 i paid £50 pw in rent. At the time i thought god i pay loads but as soon as i moved out and have to do all my own washing, ironing, food shopping i soon realised i had a easy life at home. You need to put your foot down.. I dont think you are being unreasonable asking for petrol money either, she should have offered even if it was just a fiver or say buy you some snacks for on the road or while your waiting..its not much is it?

    God i sound like a right ***** lol.

    Em x
     
  11. judimac

    judimac Mad old Bat with Attitude

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    I think she needs a reality check. What do the boyfriends parents think? Could you have a family conference with them onside and have a united front?
    Stop buying food for them!

    "she either clean her room, otherwise it would go through the bedroom window....she came home one Saturday afternoon to find her entire bedroom in the front garden...needless to say, she has never messed up her room again, especially as he made her put it all back (bed included!)" YES!
    I used to throw a binbag in each of my boys rooms on a saturday morning and leave the hoover outside! And that was from 13.
    She is being a little madam and needs her cards marked!
     
  12. julie19

    julie19 Silver Member

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    OMG!!! You sound like my mum - I am nearly 40 now & still scared of her!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  13. alwyn

    alwyn Silver Member

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    When I was living with my parents I always paid my way since the age of 18 if I was working. Even if I was earning very little, I gave my parents at least 1/3 to 1/2 of my take home pay.

    I didn't want them to think I was treating it like a hotel, so I did chores too. I agree with everyone else, she's being a total madam who's taking the mick.

    Definitely ask her for some rent - if you're short of money, you can't be subsidising her food as well.
     
  14. xsimplymex

    xsimplymex Hopefully due 2 fade away

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    I don't think you're being mean at all!

    It does sound as though your daughter needs to learn some manners though and some life lessons. Nothing comes for free and the sooner she realises that the better off she will be.

    My mam brought me up to be able to save some money if I wanted something and as soon as I have been able to pay my way, I have done as much as possible. Even a bunch of flowers every now and then to let her know I appreciated what she did for me.

    Maybe ask her for some money each month - it may not be the most or life changing amounts to help with bills, but maybe let her understand that she can't live for free. Especially at 21.

    Sorry if this all seemed harsh but you should put your foot down with her. It seems you do a hell of a lot and don't get any respect in return. xxx
     
  15. malaika

    malaika Lover of Extra Easy

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    I agree with Judi 100%!
    With regards to the petrol, you are skint and she needs to realise that. I don't think you need to pay for the petrol. If she wants to get there, she can find the money. She seems to manage to find money to buy clothes etc so she can find it for this.
    I do think that you are far too soft for her, and it's not doing her any favours when she has to manage on her own. She is earning so needs to pay something towards the bills and she also needs to do her own washing and clean her room. You are her mother and not her slave.
    When our eldest was engaged they moved in with us and paid us a token amount to do so. They did nothing at all to contribute to housework or cooking. They would come home from work and go to their room and only come out for meals, often asking us to hurry up as they were hungry or complaining about the meal that was served.
    Eventually we had enough, and told them to shape up or get out. They only got more sulky and did nothing so we kicked them out. It was hard for me but I knew it was the best for all of us as it was causing tension for the whole family. We didn't speak for a while but they eventually came round and apologised. We are best of friends now.
    Even the younger boys paid some board as soon as they were working and I never did their washing for them or cleaned their rooms.
    Honestly, I would stop being so soft and make her take some responsibility.
     
  16. hep

    hep Member

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    I dont think your being mean at all. I starting giving my parents money for 'my keep' as soon as I was earning. I also had jobs to do around the house for everyone from being very young.

    In the long run it wont help her at all. I am currently a mature student at university and am constantly amazed at how little some of the younger people do for themselves. They cant cook, wash clothes or organise money.

    Hope you get it all sorted out x
     
  17. daisymae2

    daisymae2 Full Member

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    I agree with all the others. I have a son who is coming up for 16 and am now beginning to realise that I have done everything for him and he is getting nowhere near independent and it is starting to drive me up the wall with his untidiness and thinking my purse has a bottomless pit and not doing anything in return. Although it would be hard at first I would sit down when your daughter is calm and explain your financial situation and try and persuade her that she needs to make a contribution even if it is a nominal amount. If you felt guilty by this you could always put by her contribution for when she eventually leaves home. This is what we are thinking when our boys grow up and are working.
     
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  19. avisk

    avisk xx

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    Definitely time for some tough new rules. You can't afford to go on like this, and you certainly should not allow anyone to be so rude to you. It is disgraceful.

    Tell her that you will not allow her to speak to you like that ever again, and if she does she will have to move out. You have the right to be treated with respect.

    You couldn't have known when you offered to give her a lift that you would not be able to afford it. It is obviously important that you get the new tyre as it would be illegal and dangerous to drive without it.

    You do her washing? Stop, now.

    Her messy room upsets you? Don't look at it. Just don't go in there. You won't need to, because you aren't going to go in there to pick up her washing are you?
     
  20. SLACK ALICE

    SLACK ALICE Silver Member

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    thanxs for all your comments , |I phoned daughter this morning to ask her what she was doing about the appointment and she said she had asked her BF to take her -so he has had half a day off to take her . I asked if my name was mud at their house and she just said that I said I would take her and that she cant believe that we asked fro petrol money . She said she had checked her bank and only had £20 in it and that she had already put £25 in her car , to be honest if she didnt keep driving around wasting petrol she wouldnt use so much - but I cant tell her.
    I did tell her that we didnt know we needed a new tyre so i was sorry but I just couldnt afford it - so she said well stop moaning cos im saving you money !!.
    I havent heard anything so i presume her BF has taken her ??
    My sister said that I should charge her rent and on the days that she looks after son i should pay her hourly .
    I just know this is gonna end in a major row as she is soooooo stubborn .
    I have been upstairs finishing of my bedroom and put (thrown!!) some washing into her room and saw 2 brand new DS games , new pants, 2 boxes hair dye and she wonders why she's got no money
     
  21. 1974rach

    1974rach Gold Member

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    Firstly hugs because this isn't nice for you, but this is something I think you need to deal with pretty quick.

    She's 21, not 5. Stop doing her washing and ironing, she can do that by herself, I was doing mine from 14 (I will put my hands up and say that I pay someone to do my ironing but then I'm 36 and frankly 22 years of ironing is enough for anyone!). Stop cleaning her room. She can do that too, it is amazing how quickly she will tire of living in a tip.

    I was paying board at 18, and never quibbled over buying the stuff on the shopping list if I was popping out.

    It's about having respect for you and your home and teaching her how to deal with life outside of the home. When she moves out, she is in for such a shock.

    Like others have said you need to have a calm conversation about this. No point going at it like a bull at a gate as it will only wind you all up.

    As for the petrol - it's a tricky one, but if you can't afford it you can't afford it, and the tyre is a priority.

    xxx
     
  22. judimac

    judimac Mad old Bat with Attitude

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    Thats probably because I'm about the same age! LOL! :8855:
     
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