Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
My ex husband, who I was with for 15 years, and I, have managed to remain friendly and keep in contact by occassional email. (we were always better friends then spouses-and even though it was a bad marraige - it was still a significant part of my life - I didn;t want to just toss it all in the toilet...so keeping in touch and stuff was important to me.)
Well, those ofyou that have read my diary know he caused me a lot of pain. He deceived me about the reasons we weren;t having children - he lied - and now for other reasons, I cannot have children. He took the choice away. That was a biggie.
But what he also did, was made it perfectly clear early on in our marraige, the amount of love and affection I received from him was dependant on my size. He knew nothing of unconditional love. Nothing. When I weighed 9 stone - a stone and a half lighter then I am now - he told me he would be nice to me when I wasn;t so fat.
That was the day I bit off my nose to spite my face, and began the uphill climb and put on the 130 pounds I have just lost. I don't blame him - it was my hand that shoved the food in my mouth - but his hadn was in there too. He just could not accept me as I was- nevermind I was faithful, far too loyal, blah blah blah. Yet I accepted dealing with his Tourette SYndrom and the fact that he was a closet tranny. (have not shared that yet.....but that was a veryyyy difficult thing for me to discover and deal with. but, sickness and health, etc....I did try.) So I accepted him. But I was never good enough.
Anyway. He KNEW how much my weight hurt me, inside and out. He KNEW how miserable I was. For 13 years he watched me struggle, try, fail, try again, etc. Never with an ounce of encouragement or support. B*astard.
Well, he sent me an email 2 weeks ago sharing that he had just got his pilot license and done his first solo flight - something he had longed to do his while life. I was thrilled for him, and sent him an email saying so. Hearty congrats and all. I also sent him a NOW picture or two of me.
Today I received his reply. A stupid political joke about Obama. Not one word - not an ounce of acknowledgement.
It made me so cross.
So, I slipped into child mode, and sent him this reply:
"Hmmm., I sent you a pretty exciting email - that I had finally accomplished something that ruined 25 years of my life, caused me endless days of pain and unhappiness: the news that I made my goal and lost the 130 pounds I put on, or started to put on the day in the kitchen on Georgia Court when you told me you would be nice to me when I wasn't fat (nevermind I weighed 20 pounds less then I do now, and I am in a size 10/12 now-hardly fat) - you do know don;t you, that those words sent me on a massive downwards spiral, right? And stayed with me for years, right? And hurt more then a knife??.....and you don;t even say congratulations. I don;t at this stage expect an apology - but a congratulations wouldn't have gone amiss. But instead you just send me some stupid political joke.
I don't know......if I was there I think I'd have to give you a slap."
I know it was perhaps childish to respond that way. But since 1987, I have never called him on that. It has been inside - I have never ever forgot the feeling that day. ITs as if it happened just 2 minutes ago.
So, it did feel good to say something.
Was I wrong??
The good news is - food has not even crossed my mind. There is nothing that would taste as good as telling him off felt.
I wonder if those feelings will ever go away, or if part of me will always be a little hurt and angry at his unkind comments.
Well, those ofyou that have read my diary know he caused me a lot of pain. He deceived me about the reasons we weren;t having children - he lied - and now for other reasons, I cannot have children. He took the choice away. That was a biggie.
But what he also did, was made it perfectly clear early on in our marraige, the amount of love and affection I received from him was dependant on my size. He knew nothing of unconditional love. Nothing. When I weighed 9 stone - a stone and a half lighter then I am now - he told me he would be nice to me when I wasn;t so fat.
That was the day I bit off my nose to spite my face, and began the uphill climb and put on the 130 pounds I have just lost. I don't blame him - it was my hand that shoved the food in my mouth - but his hadn was in there too. He just could not accept me as I was- nevermind I was faithful, far too loyal, blah blah blah. Yet I accepted dealing with his Tourette SYndrom and the fact that he was a closet tranny. (have not shared that yet.....but that was a veryyyy difficult thing for me to discover and deal with. but, sickness and health, etc....I did try.) So I accepted him. But I was never good enough.
Anyway. He KNEW how much my weight hurt me, inside and out. He KNEW how miserable I was. For 13 years he watched me struggle, try, fail, try again, etc. Never with an ounce of encouragement or support. B*astard.
Well, he sent me an email 2 weeks ago sharing that he had just got his pilot license and done his first solo flight - something he had longed to do his while life. I was thrilled for him, and sent him an email saying so. Hearty congrats and all. I also sent him a NOW picture or two of me.
Today I received his reply. A stupid political joke about Obama. Not one word - not an ounce of acknowledgement.
It made me so cross.
So, I slipped into child mode, and sent him this reply:
"Hmmm., I sent you a pretty exciting email - that I had finally accomplished something that ruined 25 years of my life, caused me endless days of pain and unhappiness: the news that I made my goal and lost the 130 pounds I put on, or started to put on the day in the kitchen on Georgia Court when you told me you would be nice to me when I wasn't fat (nevermind I weighed 20 pounds less then I do now, and I am in a size 10/12 now-hardly fat) - you do know don;t you, that those words sent me on a massive downwards spiral, right? And stayed with me for years, right? And hurt more then a knife??.....and you don;t even say congratulations. I don;t at this stage expect an apology - but a congratulations wouldn't have gone amiss. But instead you just send me some stupid political joke.
I don't know......if I was there I think I'd have to give you a slap."
I know it was perhaps childish to respond that way. But since 1987, I have never called him on that. It has been inside - I have never ever forgot the feeling that day. ITs as if it happened just 2 minutes ago.
So, it did feel good to say something.
Was I wrong??
The good news is - food has not even crossed my mind. There is nothing that would taste as good as telling him off felt.
I wonder if those feelings will ever go away, or if part of me will always be a little hurt and angry at his unkind comments.
