ArtyBee's cocoon

Spanglymum

Spanglymum

Gold Member
Hello! I imagine I will be talking to myself on here for quite a while as I know the LL area tends to be less busy than other bits of Minimins, but I want to start a diary and am on LL so here I am!

I'm a returner. After maintaining a six stone weight loss successfully for two years or so I let things go to pot by comfort eating and drinking my way through a very difficult situation at work. I managed to get the company to move me in the end (I was v scared at one time that by speaking up I would lose my job. I'm less courageous/willing to be forthright than I used to be as my husband no longer works due to ill health).

Anyway, I now have a new job, and office, and manager, and feel empowered by making things change. Back to 'me' again. So now to lose the weight baggage (my 'cocoon') and get back to feeling full of energy and oomph again.

It's week one, though I started back at group doing 5:2 four weeks ago, in order to get out of the binge cycle I was stuck in and get my head in the right place.

First weigh in is tomorrow. I have stuck to plan 100% but am a little bunged up (!!!) so the loss might not be as big as it could be.
 
Feeling quite up and down at the moment. Taking on this new role at work in some ways has been like a new lease of life. I was really stuck in my old role and it's great to have proper ownership and responsibility again. But on the other hand there is a huge amount to sort out and I feel a bit overwhelmed at times. Last night my hubby wanted to talk about my work, which was lovely of him for asking, but I just couldn't face re-hashing the events of the day for him. I just wanted to zone out and relax.

Still 100% on track and not getting any hunger pangs at all. My last meeting finished at 12 today and I suddenly thought, 'Ooh I suppose I'd better have a pack'. This is good! I hope it stays this way. I also hope that my weigh in this evening isn't too disappointing. It shouldn't be as I have stuck to the plan completely.

On a very positive note, hubby and I had had to cancel our planned holiday this year because it turned out that the cottage we had carefully researched and booked last year on the basis it was 'accessible' didn't have parking anywhere near! Thankfully the company we booked through told us this so we were able to cancel - it would have been a nightmare if we'd got all the way there only to discover. But that left us with a third year in a row of a 'staycation'. Money is tight for us, which no one really believes because I technically have quite a high-flying job, but my commute costs a fortune and my hubby doesn't earn anything (although he does get DLA and a very small pension). So I wasn't sure we were going to be able to afford anything - spent hours last night looking online. Then this morning I found a lovely lovely cottage, kind-of in the middle of nowhere, but also quite near Cheltenham, not too expensive, and all on one floor, wet rooms etc. We have gone for it. I'm going on holiday! For a whole week!!!!

So that's at the end of August. I should be quite a bit further on by then, LL-wise. So the question will be whether to continue with abstinence all holiday or come off the plan and try to do low carb. Writing that I just know it would be simpler to stay on plan... but I have loads of crooked thoughts going on about 'treats' and 'missing out' and so on around carb-laden foods like scones and jam and so on. And breathe. It's a long way off yet. Let's take this one week at a time!
 
Years of self-loathing cancelled out with one kind, throwaway, comment on the train just now from a colleague who many years ago, I went to school with. "But you were always naturally slim, weren't you, growing up?"

Oh. My. God.

My Mum put me on my first diet aged 13 as I had hit 10 stone (I was about 5 foot 4 by that point) as she said, "women should never be in double figures".

and the rest (as they say) is history.

Years and years of telling myself I wasn't good enough, slim enough, pretty enough. I was the "smart" one ("so good to have brains rather than looks, because looks fade"). Oh I so hope I don't mess up my girls the same way.

Not sure how I feel.

At least I've completed one week and one day (almost) of 100% Total, and I am proud of that, especially as I could have used the excuse of starting a new job to put it off again. I have been quite upfront with people about doing it, too. I'm not embarrassed - I'm quite proud of myself... doing this for me.

(Also quite excited about the thought of getting back into my edgier, more avant garde, clothes again!)
 
That's amazing well done.

And yes it's quite a realisation that all that time we were on diets we were OK. I often wonder how my life would have turned out if I'd been told I was beautiful during those awkward teenage years. I've been able to see it for myself for some time but those early injunctions are still there that we were/are never quite enough!!

It sounds like the new job has created a real difference. And interesting that you can easily share with colleagues - i think that will be so helpful in terms of the diet and making for a healthy work environment after what you have been through.

Have a great day
 
Sticking to it... Weekends can be difficult at times, because of cooking for the family. It will be fine it will be fine it will be fine. Also VERY constipated (TMI). I have been on megadoses of Movicol to try to - ahem - get things moving. So a fun weekend lol.

What I didn't tell you was that I interviewed for a promotion (the new job I have was just a sideways move, courtesy of the business being v kind and listening to me and arranging for me to move and get a new line manager) a week ago on Friday. I didn't want to jinx it. I was three days into LL Total and I interviewed for a really big job. I was so convinced I'd totally messed up the interview.

Turns out, I've got the job!!!!!

I still can't quite believe it. The job I had just been moved to was only temporary, for up to nine months. But it was worth it to get moved. This one is PERMANENT (well inasmuch as any job can be said to be permanent these days). Still pinching myself :)
 
Massive Congratulations on your new job!! Was so funny reading your post about your mum . Was like I was reading about myself . My mum took me to the doctors and put me on a diet at 13 also yet when I look back at pictures I wasn't big at all . I've spent the last 29 years of my life on some kind of diet or food restrictions. Even post ll before I gained weight having my son I had to be super vigilant to 'maintain'
Like you I can only hope and pray that I don't do the same thing to my children .
Well done so far and keep up the fab work xxxx

Sent from my GT-N7100 using MiniMins.com mobile app
 
Thanks, Sukie and Clinquant. The job means a lot to me. I thought at one point I was going to have to leave as work stress was affecting my health but in the end it's all worked out amazingly.

I was 'hungry' yesterday. I can't put my finger on why. I was desperate for food after my porridge pack, and had my bar straight away. Maybe two packs together is too much carbohydrate for me and temporarily knocked me out of ketosis? It was a difficult day with packs. In the end I had a fifth one rather than eat something off plan. Weird.

I think part of it was feeling frustrated and annoyed and worried about taking time out of the working day to take my husband to/from hospital. He has a regular monthly treatment and used to use hospital transport, so I would do the school run and work from home so he could go. Now we have Rainbows to fit in so hosp transport (which is unpredictable) doesn't work. So once a month I now have to try to work from a hot and claustrophobic cafe in the hospital. Not great.

It's either that or book 13 days leave for the trips but that would leave me with hardly any holiday left.

I know it's far less than he has to cope with but it's not the best!

On a more positive note, my new job means I can leave my long commute behind and swap it for 45mins each way!!!! This is fab!!! Can't do it yet as it hasn't been formally announced but can do it soon!! :)
 
PMT (she intoned, darkly). That explains the 'hunger'!

Feeling a bit sorry for myself today. Took part of my team on a tour of our new offices and caught sight of myself reflected in the window. Kind of like 'but I've been dieting for two weeks. I can't still be that fat!' Which I know is irrational but hey. Took everyone for lunch and it was totally fine, foodwise, just annoyed at myself for having to do this again. Oh well!

Weigh in tonight so let's see what week two (and period) brings...
 
Gained?!!! 4.8oz (yes, 0.3 of a pound), which to my mind must be water retention as I haven't had anything off plan and have been religious about it, apart from that one extra pack. I feel discouraged though. I'm putting it down as a STS. Looking for a few lb next week once TOTM is over. Find myself panicking that I've messed up my metabolism so much it's not going to work, but that's just crooked thoughts and tiredness talking. Tomorrow is another day/another week and as I stick to this the weight WILL come off. Think of all the carbs I could have eaten if I wasn't in ketosis! Things would be much worse if so, so I'm going to say this has been a successful week.
 
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Oh it's horrible being on the brink of TOTM. I'm there now and I've gained 2lbs overnight and couldn't feel more bloated and hungry. Had an extra bar last night and extra veg. We know its all there underlying but it's grim. Also remember that you had a bad second week loss when you were doing Cambridge and you're battling those week 2-3 demons. The change is coming. I can sense a difference in the way you are talking about things this time. I think the LL approach seems to suit you. It has been a successful week - here's to the scales catching up next week!!
 
Thanks for the sympathy, Clinquant, and for reminding me about Cambridge second week, which I'd forgotten. I haven't given up the ghost and am still plodding on. Thing is, I really want this, I really want to get back into all my size 12s again, and lapsing isn't going to help. I know this but sometimes it's hard.

Got a really bad headache this morning. If I didn't know better I'd have said I'd been on the gin last night lol. It seems odd if it's dehydration as I drink LOADS (litres and litres) but that would seem the most logical explanation - that and the weather and adjusting to the new job (and we have a big meeting today that I'm a little anxious about).

So happy each morning though, even with a headache, to remember that whatever may have happened the day before, I didn't cheat. Who cares how long this takes? It is going to work and I am going to get back to the slim 'me' that I really enjoyed being. And I will go back to my low carb ways, as they really worked for me. I might do strict low carb five days and then relax a bit a couple of days a week - but will take it gently in case the carbs trigger me to binge or start compulsive eating.

Nearly the weekend again. Phew! Second week in my new job done. My new, new, job hasn't been announced yet, so I'm still in the interim role, which caused me some wobbles yesterday where a couple of people remarked on my sideways move, even implying it was a demotion. I don't like that! I hope the 'real' job gets announced soon so people know I've actually been promoted. Why does this bother me so much? It just does... even though the key thing is I now seem to be working for someone steady and consistent, who gives me praise when I do a good job, which is brilliant after three years in the wilderness!
 
Well, my new role should get announced early next week, which will be great. No more 'international woman of mystery' lol. I'm feeling weirdly low though. Very odd. I just don't seem to be able to get cheery at all. I just feel flat and sort-of sad, all the time. I'm not depressed - I have enough experience of depression to know it feels different to this - just low.

Mind you, I was inspired this morning by my daughter learning to swim and have signed up for some 'adult improver' classes, starting next Tuesday evening. I taught myself how to swim in my twenties, after a scary teacher at junior school freaked me out by holding my head under the water when I was having difficulty learning how to do a mushroom float :eek:. Anyway - for years swimming has been the one kind of exercise I've always come back to, and it's even better nowadays as it gives me relief from my joint pain as well. However, I can only do a kind-of breast stroke, with my head up (!) and have always wanted to learn proper technique and front crawl. Here I go! It will be good to challenge myself to learn something new, and I think it will make swimming more fun when I do go, as I'll be able to keep going for longer without getting a sore neck.

So that's positive. Beating myself up at the moment about ALL the tidying and other jobs that need doing round the house, so finding it difficult to relax. Maybe that's why I'm out of sorts? I hate it when the house is a mess. It's in a real state because DH got Virgin to install their mega broadband/tv deal yesterday, which means they moved everything off every possible surface and didn't put anything back. Aaaaargh. I will probably give in and tidy it in a bit as it annoys me so much.

Also going to get my hair cut at a different place later (this fills me with anxiety). I have very thick, wavy, hair, and have had very bad luck over the years with hairdressers, until I found a great one in London a few years ago. Unfortunately though the last couple of cuts he's done for me haven't been quite right and it's just felt a bit weird, like I'm not quite the youthful demographic he wants in his trendy new salon lol. So I'm trying a new place local to home. It comes highly recommended but the thought of it is making me feel a bit stressed!

I have stayed 100% on plan. Still annoyed about the STS this week. I know it will all even out in the end but it was very disappointing.
 
Haircut is fabulous! I will be back to that salon!

Really struggled all day yesterday. I knew I wasn't going to cave (which I think means I must be in ketosis) so the thoughts of what I could eat we're just kind of abstract - but they were still there. I was just all grumpy yesterday and trying not to take it out on the family. I know it will be worth it to have another 100% week done but this isn't easy!

Got frustrated in the afternoon as I'd borrowed my Mum's sewing machine and couldn't get the tension right. I've inherited a cassock at church from a very staunch member of many years (quite an honour although I took it the wrong way (secretly) at first as he was a rather large gentleman!) and needed to turn up the hem. Ended up doing it by hand, which was quite a long job. (I serve at church - so help out the clergy at the front during the service some weeks.)

Anyway. I persevered and got it done! Also strimmed our lawn as having left it for a couple of weeks it's now too long for my hand mower!
 
Splitting headache - again. Had one all day Friday and most of Saturday. Cleared up yesterday but was back by bedtime. Woke up and as bad as ever. Not good! I am drinking plenty of water (even worried yday I had maybe drunk too much water) and am having an occasional coffee as I thought it might be caffeine withdrawal. I think it's stress... Sort-of residual work stress from three years of working for someone very inconsistent and unpredictable. It's going to take a while for me to feel 'safe' at work again. I don't mean that I was ever physically in danger before, just my fight-or-flight response was constantly triggered because of all the last-minute panics, or sudden demands. Whatever it is, though, the headache is very painful.

Actually, work is better than it has been in a long long time. I have some difficult things to handle, but I like a challenge, and more importantly, being trusted to handle a challenge in my own way. It's good!

I've done quite a bit of emotional work over the past two years, while I was struggling with my weight again. This means I can now recognise and validate my feelings, which was something I never used to be able to do. I hadn't realised how melancholy I can be about life. The poignancy of time passing, particularly watching my girls grow up, suddenly hits me from time to time in a way it never used to. Found myself sniffling this morning when my younger daughter gave me a big cuddle, with her pigtails in and clutching her big yellow fluffy 'Fluttershy' pony. And then one of my best friends from Uni posted a baby pic of herself on Facebook... Aaargh!

Must be midlife, all this philosophical pondering... Lol.

On a more mundane note, almost done week three 100%. Go me!
 
You've done amazingly well to keep going. I definitely think a lot of that emotional stress resides in our body. I'm always amazed by the spontaneous crying that yoga can bring about.

Don't think you should underestimate the stress of a new hairdresser having just gone through it myself. ;-) Glad it worked out well - I went somewhere really East London hip but they were recommended as they were really friendly and didn't pigeon hole me. Makes such a difference to have great hair.
 
Thanks. It can be such a mental battle, can't it? Thing is, when I'm around carbs, the battle goes away because I just capitulate. That's the 'relief' of sugar/flour addiction, isn't it? The brief opiate high that feels so good when you're tired, and low. I am so glad to be doing this again though. I was really scared it was somehow 'too late' and I would never find it in myself to get back on track. Three weeks tomorrow!

I want to find some alternative 'highs'. I hesitate to use the word 'treats' as that conjures up images of all kinds of sugary/floury stuff (or nuts!!!!) but I mean things to make me feel better after/during difficult days. Cool nail polish (during the week for toes mainly) is one that works... Funky music... Stress ball (on this last one - I've got more and more into The Secret over the past few years and have a funny tale about stress balls. I was due to start my new job and was v v nervous... Started thinking about getting myself some inexpensive stress management stuff and spent some time browsing eBay for stress balls. Turned up at my new job on the Monday and my predecessor had cleared her desk... Apart from a world-shaped stress ball!)
 
I have another tale too... About 444 lol.
 
I'll tell the 444 story another time (she says, trying to build suspense even though only one or two people may in fact be reading this!)

Last night was fab. I went to my first ever swimming lesson. For years I have wanted to learn to do the crawl, but because of my poor eyesight, and not having got on with goggles in the past, and a terrible teacher at junior school who held my head under, I never thought I'd learn.

Anyway, I got myself some comfortable goggles (finally) and took the girls swimming a couple of times and discovered I could put my head under without the water stinging my eyes, and could also see properly as I can keep my contacts in (I might go for prescription goggles eventually if I do learn).

So I was taking my daughter to her lesson on Saturday and on a whim asked about adult lessons and they had one place.

It's brilliant! It will take me a while to get the knack - there's a lot to coordinate ( like driving) but I think I'm going to do it!! V v v proud of myself. It was also really good fun so didn't feel like I 'had' to do it for my weight loss if you know what I mean. I was there to enjoy it.

Third weigh in tonight. I'd better not get another STS after another 100% week!
 
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