ProPoints Azwethinkweiz (Sarah)s new food diary!

[azwethinkweiz]

I've had counceling a couple of times in the past. They certainly wont tell you that there's nothing wrong with you but I do think you need a very open mind. It really doesn't do anything for me but that's because I just don't buy into the how CBT thing. My Dr is ok and realised this and told me I need to see a psychologist but I can't get a referral (stupid NHS) and I can't afford to pay privately. But it might be worth a try chick. It certainly wont make things worse and they do teach you some very good techniques, I am just a very bad patient. ;-)

Not sure I buy into it either. And I'm the type of person who pretends they're ok so can't see myself spilling out my thoughts to some stranger. I can't afford it either but my OH said he'd pay if I tried it. Hmm.

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

 

[azwethinkweiz]

Well this will probably sound very strange...

I emotional batter myself, and I mean I really go to town putting my self down, and can never see the good in anything I do, say, achieve or create. For example, at my best friends wedding last august, during the best man speech, the best man said something to the effect of "Well I know the best man is supposed to try it on with the maid of honour, but unfortunately she is engaged" Well I burst in with a comment and this is in front of probably 60-80 people and said "Na you'd never try it on with me! look at you and look at me! your not blind!" and to make matters worse he didn't hear me so passed me the microphone to repeat myself very loudly so everyone could hear.

Well it's better for me to say than others to think it right?!?! wrong! I spent all night listening to people give me sympathy and discuss diets and weight loss, the one day in my whole life I didn't want to think about a bloody diet.

So what I did is I said to myself for every bad thing, when I think about a negative point, instead of focussing on a negative, I think of 2 positives, too really see if this positive mental attitude crap did work, and for me it did!

I'd look at all 20st something of me and think "ugh god look at the state of you, your a fat disgusting mess"

And instead, I'd think d'ya know what, my best friends doesn't care if I'm 2 or 200 stone, she loves me warts and all, I've got a lovely fiancee who worships the ground I walk on, and other than over indulging myself, I'm a lovely thoughtful person, I'm kind and caring and I'd rather be me than a stick thin, stuck up mare!

wow! what a rant. Just try it for a week. It's unlikely that it's gonna make you feel any worse about a situation, if it's making you feel depressed. What have you got to lose? if it doesn't work, it doesn't work and you may have to find a new strategy.

That doesn't sound one bit strange. I'm NEVER happy with myself. I have a terrible problem with self esteem and low self worth. When people say something nice I brush it off with a "they're just being polite". I have no idea how to change this way of thinking. I've lost over 40lbs and I still think I'm fat & I always have (even when I was thinner than this years ago). Maybe counseling would help these deep rooted issues but I'm not sure.

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

 

[Mrsm79]

I've had counselling twice Sarah and I found that I couldn't even be totally honest with a counsellor and because of this I and they thought it was pointless me seeing them. I believe you'll get to a time when you may just wanna spurt everything out to a counsellor and perhaps now may be the time for you.

I have suicidal thoughts too and have 'plans' in my head of 'how' when I get really low and I can't even think logically about the devastating impact it would have on people. I think in the long run it may even be better for them sometimes if I wasn't around. But then when I'm feeling ok and I think about suicide I know although they'd be devastated at first they would also HATE me for doing it.

You definitely are not alone. Maybe go for one counselling session, I think you'll know by the first one if its for you?????

Hugs darling

Sent from my iPad using MiniMins

 

[azwethinkweiz]

Swit swoo.. Size 10.. Get you.. Would love a piccy??
I'm good ta.. So tired ALL the time.. Even been going to sleep just after 11 all week rather than my usual half 1 / 2am!!
Not been to Curves at all this week.. Been on a couple of walks but really wasting my free month!! Will make a point of going this week tho.. Esp seen as I'm going away for the 2 days.. Think i'll do Simply filling next week again.. Think it might be easier to stay somewhat on plan while away being on that..

PS.. Re suicidal thoughts.. You are definitely not alone!! Though none of my closest people to me would know anything about that.. I don't think they'd understand.. I think the general Irish way of handling that is to suggest a night out on the lash... Which clearly we all know that just dives into the depression, doesn't help a thing!! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ah its not a true size 10. Stretchy denim but the 12 was too loose. A piccy? scary lol!
I'm knackered all the time but didn't sleep a wink all night. My eyes actually hurt now! Mental.
Oh I've done feck all exercise. Couple walks and one jog on tuesday. No feckin motivation. I'm a terror. What 2 days are you going away hon? Simply filling seems to suit you so that's a good plan!

I know hon... Irish reaction is definitely go on the lash. I'm not a big drinker though. I go months and months with no drink lol.

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

 

[WWPrincess]

That doesn't sound one bit strange. I'm NEVER happy with myself. I have a terrible problem with self esteem and low self worth. When people say something nice I brush it off with a "they're just being polite". I have no idea how to change this way of thinking. I've lost over 40lbs and I still think I'm fat & I always have (even when I was thinner than this years ago). Maybe counseling would help these deep rooted issues but I'm not sure.

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

My theory in life is to give anything a go, it's not going make you feel worse about yourself, the worst outcome is you gain nothing from it, and the best thing is that you can be feeling more positive.

 

[azwethinkweiz]

I've had counselling twice Sarah and I found that I couldn't even be totally honest with a counsellor and because of this I and they thought it was pointless me seeing them. I believe you'll get to a time when you may just wanna spurt everything out to a counsellor and perhaps now may be the time for you.

I have suicidal thoughts too and have 'plans' in my head of 'how' when I get really low and I can't even think logically about the devastating impact it would have on people. I think in the long run it may even be better for them sometimes if I wasn't around. But then when I'm feeling ok and I think about suicide I know although they'd be devastated at first they would also HATE me for doing it.

You definitely are not alone. Maybe go for one counselling session, I think you'll know by the first one if its for you?????

Hugs darling

Sent from my iPad using MiniMins

Thanks hon. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who does this "planning" when I'm severely low. The only thing stopping me is that I would feel guilty about putting my family through it. But I also think they might be better without me... They'd get over it eventually. That's why my plans consist of things that would look like an accident... That way they'd never have to deal with the thought of "could I have stopped this happening?" Maybe I'm not making sense... I haven't slept lol.
I might try one session but feel I might be like you in that I won't be honest... X

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

 

[azwethinkweiz]

Ive had counselling before hun, it helped me a lot. Its not for everyone though as some people feel too self conscious to talk to some one they dont know but i would suggest giving it a try and see if it helps you. To be honest for me it felt easier talking to a councellor instead of friends or family
They will NOT judge you like your sister has xx They are there to listen to you and try and help you through things. The lady i saw was lovely. I would say be prepared for a bit of crying as i cried through most of my councelling sessions. xxx

I have a thing about people judging me. I think everyone is even though logically I know they probably aren't. I generally confine myself to the house because I'm afraid people look at me and think I'm ugly or fat or stupid etc etc.
Crying is my forté lol, I cry most days.

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

 

[azwethinkweiz]

My theory in life is to give anything a go, it's not going make you feel worse about yourself, the worst outcome is you gain nothing from it, and the best thing is that you can be feeling more positive.

See that sounds very logical but I couldn't see it that way until you pointed it out. All I was thinking was negative things. Sometimes I wish I could switch off my brain lol! X

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

 

[Mrsm79]

Thanks hon. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who does this "planning" when I'm severely low. The only thing stopping me is that I would feel guilty about putting my family through it. But I also think they might be better without me... They'd get over it eventually. That's why my plans consist of things that would look like an accident... That way they'd never have to deal with the thought of "could I have stopped this happening?" Maybe I'm not making sense... I haven't slept lol.
I might try one session but feel I might be like you in that I won't be honest... X

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

That's why I told you that, coz you are like me and I don't think you'd be honest, Sarah if you've not slept try to not sleep too much today during the day, you may be getting too much sleep

Can you go for a walk, run, swim maybe to help you feel better? I know exercise helps me no end and try and keep busy today go shopping, do some cooking, sort your room out. Do positive things?

You totally do make sense

Sent from my iPad using MiniMins

 

[WWPrincess]

I have a thing about people judging me. I think everyone is even though logically I know they probably aren't. I generally confine myself to the house because I'm afraid people look at me and think I'm ugly or fat or stupid etc etc.
Crying is my forté lol, I cry most days.

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

Honey your not alone in not wanting to leave the house, I'm the same, I only leave the house to go food shopping or the doctor's.

I'm not agoraphobic, I have paranoia that means I constantly think people are staring, judging and whispering about me.

Depression affects my ability to work, which is a struggle, financial and emotionally. I'm constantly battling my inner demons, but on the upside they don't always win

 

[azwethinkweiz]

That's why I told you that, coz you are like me and I don't think you'd be honest, Sarah if you've not slept try to not sleep too much today during the day, you may be getting too much sleep

Can you go for a walk, run, swim maybe to help you feel better? I know exercise helps me no end and try and keep busy today go shopping, do some cooking, sort your room out. Do positive things?
You totally do make sense

Sent from my iPad using MiniMins

Yeah I don't want to end up with another sleepless night. I read an entire harry potter book last night. Sigh.
I'm not up for a jog but I might take a long walk with the dog. I love baking but think my mum will kill me if I bake anything "nice" because she's given up just about everything for lent
Xxx

Honey your not alone in not wanting to leave the house, I'm the same, I only leave the house to go food shopping or the doctor's.

I'm not agoraphobic, I have paranoia that means I constantly think people are staring, judging and whispering about me.

Depression affects my ability to work, which is a struggle, financial and emotionally. I'm constantly battling my inner demons, but on the upside they don't always win

No I'm not agoraphobic either. Same as you I'm just completely paranoid (and anxious in social situations). No idea how to fix it.
I've been signed off work for 2 weeks so far (until next thursday) and I'm worried about my job too...

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

 

[starkissedx]

I have tried medication, strong depressive medication and I couldn't take the side effects I felt like I was under water the entire time. And when it would start to wear off everything would come flooding back. It numbs everything and suppresses it but I don't think it makes you deal with your issues.

For me I didn't start to get 'better' at that worse time of my depression until I went to counselling. Of course like a lot of people have said I'd doesn't work for everyone. At the start I was so dubious and negative about it..but she made me question myself why I was getting like this. Why my head was working in the way it was. My episodes are like a chain reaction I can be fine and then something small can happen and it reacts with other stuff and then I'm laying in my room with the curtains closed scared to leave the house.

I knew the reason deep down why I was getting like this - and I could never tell my mother why I was getting like this. Sounds strange but I don't have that mother daughter relationship you see on tv with my mother. I never hug my mother, I never tell her I lover her, nor her to me. So I felt alienated like I couldn't let anyone in to help me. And I wanted help so much as I couldn't function at that time.

I did self harm I'd hit my wrists off my door until they bled. I would just get into a rage and kick and hit things. Smashed a glass one time and I had this one minute of clarity which I remember felt so clear and acceptable at that time as everything else was so messed up and distorted at that time. I held the shard in my hand and everything felt so right and at peace for one second. When I realised what he hell I was doing to myself.

I have never told anyone that. Not even my dr he asked me the question, have you ever felt suicidal or commited self harm. I lied an still lie to this day if I ever feel in a bad place again. I don't want to tell him that incase he does something drastic, I'm scared of what he would do really.

My dr tried to refer me to mental health team but NHs refused. Even though at time I was a wreck, in tears in his surgery so many times. It is so hard but I got over that difficult point, but I know it is always present and I'm scared those thoughts an feelings will come back again.

Big hugs xx

 

[Dubchick81]

Ah its not a true size 10. Stretchy denim but the 12 was too loose. A piccy? scary lol!
I'm knackered all the time but didn't sleep a wink all night. My eyes actually hurt now! Mental.
Oh I've done feck all exercise. Couple walks and one jog on tuesday. No feckin motivation. I'm a terror. What 2 days are you going away hon? Simply filling seems to suit you so that's a good plan!

I know hon... Irish reaction is definitely go on the lash. I'm not a big drinker though. I go months and months with no drink lol.

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

We're going Friday coming back Sunday.. Gona take Friday off work so we can head down early enough.. Stop off halfway for lunch somewhere

I have a thing about people judging me. I think everyone is even though logically I know they probably aren't. I generally confine myself to the house because I'm afraid people look at me and think I'm ugly or fat or stupid etc etc.
Crying is my forté lol, I cry most days.

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

Ah crying... I am always crying.. Sometimes I'll be sitting happy as larry and 2 mins later sobbing and with no idea why..
Its a running joke with my friends.. lol

I have tried medication, strong depressive medication and I couldn't take the side effects I felt like I was under water the entire time. And when it would start to wear off everything would come flooding back. It numbs everything and suppresses it but I don't think it makes you deal with your issues.

For me I didn't start to get 'better' at that worse time of my depression until I went to counselling. Of course like a lot of people have said I'd doesn't work for everyone. At the start I was so dubious and negative about it..but she made me question myself why I was getting like this. Why my head was working in the way it was. My episodes are like a chain reaction I can be fine and then something small can happen and it reacts with other stuff and then I'm laying in my room with the curtains closed scared to leave the house.

I knew the reason deep down why I was getting like this - and I could never tell my mother why I was getting like this. Sounds strange but I don't have that mother daughter relationship you see on tv with my mother. I never hug my mother, I never tell her I lover her, nor her to me. So I felt alienated like I couldn't let anyone in to help me. And I wanted help so much as I couldn't function at that time.

I did self harm I'd hit my wrists off my door until they bled. I would just get into a rage and kick and hit things. Smashed a glass one time and I had this one minute of clarity which I remember felt so clear and acceptable at that time as everything else was so messed up and distorted at that time. I held the shard in my hand and everything felt so right and at peace for one second. When I realised what he hell I was doing to myself.

I have never told anyone that. Not even my dr he asked me the question, have you ever felt suicidal or commited self harm. I lied an still lie to this day if I ever feel in a bad place again. I don't want to tell him that incase he does something drastic, I'm scared of what he would do really.

My dr tried to refer me to mental health team but NHs refused. Even though at time I was a wreck, in tears in his surgery so many times. It is so hard but I got over that difficult point, but I know it is always present and I'm scared those thoughts an feelings will come back again.

Big hugs xx

Although I've never really suffered with depression I do agree that taking medication numbs the problem but doesn't fix it.. really annoys me how doctors medicate but don't really try to help fix the problem.. get to the root of it of people suffering from depression don't feel embarrassed and guilty for being ill.. There's only so much a tablet can do.. They need to work on helping the person find a way to get better after the medication.. The Irish health system sux! Give them a tablet and they'll be gone.. p1sses me off..

 

[azwethinkweiz]

I have tried medication, strong depressive medication and I couldn't take the side effects I felt like I was under water the entire time. And when it would start to wear off everything would come flooding back. It numbs everything and suppresses it but I don't think it makes you deal with your issues.

For me I didn't start to get 'better' at that worse time of my depression until I went to counselling. Of course like a lot of people have said I'd doesn't work for everyone. At the start I was so dubious and negative about it..but she made me question myself why I was getting like this. Why my head was working in the way it was. My episodes are like a chain reaction I can be fine and then something small can happen and it reacts with other stuff and then I'm laying in my room with the curtains closed scared to leave the house.

I knew the reason deep down why I was getting like this - and I could never tell my mother why I was getting like this. Sounds strange but I don't have that mother daughter relationship you see on tv with my mother. I never hug my mother, I never tell her I lover her, nor her to me. So I felt alienated like I couldn't let anyone in to help me. And I wanted help so much as I couldn't function at that time.

I did self harm I'd hit my wrists off my door until they bled. I would just get into a rage and kick and hit things. Smashed a glass one time and I had this one minute of clarity which I remember felt so clear and acceptable at that time as everything else was so messed up and distorted at that time. I held the shard in my hand and everything felt so right and at peace for one second. When I realised what he hell I was doing to myself.

I have never told anyone that. Not even my dr he asked me the question, have you ever felt suicidal or commited self harm. I lied an still lie to this day if I ever feel in a bad place again. I don't want to tell him that incase he does something drastic, I'm scared of what he would do really.

My dr tried to refer me to mental health team but NHs refused. Even though at time I was a wreck, in tears in his surgery so many times. It is so hard but I got over that difficult point, but I know it is always present and I'm scared those thoughts an feelings will come back again.

Big hugs xx

The only side effect I'm having is I'm a bit spaced out sometimes. That's ireland for ya though, all they do us prescribe a load of meds. Sigh.
A lot of my issues stem from jealousy of my older sister I think. I feel very inadequate compared to her and unbelievably self conscious when she's around. I don't think she knows anything about me feeling like that though. I also had an accident when I was young. I was knocked down off my bike. My head hit the road and I slid along the road completely ruining one side of my face. Ever since I saw myself in the mirror after that, I never liked myself - I thought it would never heal. I have a couple small scars on my face that I think everyone can notice/see.
I have rages too and often feel like lashing out at something/someone. I've never cut myself. The worst I do is dig my fingernails as hard as I can into my arms. Sometimes I will pull my hair out. Sometimes I whack my head off something multiple times. But never enough that it will leave any lasting mark that someone might notice.

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

 

[Tispy]

The only side effect I'm having is I'm a bit spaced out sometimes. That's ireland for ya though, all they do us prescribe a load of meds. Sigh.
A lot of my issues stem from jealousy of my older sister I think. I feel very inadequate compared to her and unbelievably self conscious when she's around. I don't think she knows anything about me feeling like that though. I also had an accident when I was young. I was knocked down off my bike. My head hit the road and I slid along the road completely ruining one side of my face. Ever since I saw myself in the mirror after that, I never liked myself - I thought it would never heal. I have a couple small scars on my face that I think everyone can notice/see.
I have rages too and often feel like lashing out at something/someone. I've never cut myself. The worst I do is dig my fingernails as hard as I can into my arms. Sometimes I will pull my hair out. Sometimes I whack my head off something multiple times. But never enough that it will leave any lasting mark that someone might notice.

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

Ive done things like that before too, worst ive ever done is purposely cut my legs and smash a mirror over my head..not a clever move as i was picking glass out of my hair for hours. Excercise helps as an outlet for my emotions a lot of the time

I wouldnt be jealous of your sister hun, she may be skinny but by the sounds of her she is shallow (dont mean to sound rude about your family but she does come across as that) xx you sound like such a lovely person with a beautiful personality

 

[Mrsm79]

I think it's normal to feel inadequate to people, I'm so insecure I will only ever watch Hollyoakes when Mr M's not here or that 'take me out' which is on Saturday nights coz I always think that he'd wanna be with someone like the women on there instead of me although he calls models and the likes of Cheryl cole etc scrawny witches.

If we are ever invited out in groups too I feel terrible, I cry when shopping to find something to wear, I cry whilst getting ready, I have to take diazepam whilst getting ready sometimes and I have to drink literally a whole bottle of wine before I leave the house, I always feel like the short, fat ugly one with **** hair. It doesn't matter how many times Ralph says 'you look stunning tonight' or anything like that I just don't believe him.

The thing is tho and I know you probably think this too but I don't know what will ever stop me feeling like this about myself

I'd love to maybe have some life coaching, or a make over or hypnosis or similar I'd try anything.

Sent from my iPad using MiniMins

 

[azwethinkweiz]

Ive done things like that before too, worst ive ever done is purposely cut my legs and smash a mirror over my head..not a clever move as i was picking glass out of my hair for hours. Excercise helps as an outlet for my emotions a lot of the time

I wouldnt be jealous of your sister hun, she may be skinny but by the sounds of her she is shallow (dont mean to sound rude about your family but she does come across as that) xx you sound like such a lovely person with a beautiful personality

Can't say I've actually smashed anything with my head but then I usury whack it off something non-smashy lol.
Thanks hon, no matter what anyone says I'll still be jealous of her though. Oh well

I think it's normal to feel inadequate to people, I'm so insecure I will only ever watch Hollyoakes when Mr M's not here or that 'take me out' which is on Saturday nights coz I always think that he'd wanna be with someone like the women on there instead of me although he calls models and the likes of Cheryl cole etc scrawny witches.

If we are ever invited out in groups too I feel terrible, I cry when shopping to find something to wear, I cry whilst getting ready, I have to take diazepam whilst getting ready sometimes and I have to drink literally a whole bottle of wine before I leave the house, I always feel like the short, fat ugly one with **** hair. It doesn't matter how many times Ralph says 'you look stunning tonight' or anything like that I just don't believe him.

The thing is tho and I know you probably think this too but I don't know what will ever stop me feeling like this about myself

I'd love to maybe have some life coaching, or a make over or hypnosis or similar I'd try anything.

Sent from my iPad using MiniMins

I dunno if I'll ever feel alright about myself. I have very similar scenario to tours if I'm going out so I generally avoid it. I hate thinking that my OH is looking at other women wishing he could be with them (and I'm convinced he is). I can't seem to snap myself out of those ideas. I've no confidence at all and dunno how to be any other way. Everyone always says I'm my own harshest critic but I feel like if I'm harsh to myself then I'm being realistic and if anyone says anything mean it'll be nothing I haven't thought about myself anyway. Does that make sense lol? X

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

 

[Mrsm79]

Complete sense just wish I could help you!!!

 

[starkissedx]

I won't even go into my OHs workplace on his days off or anything incase his colleagues think what the hell is he doing with her. Also another embarrassing scenario is I was at Uni on wed and had to wait an hour for my OH to come out of his lecture, I didn't want OH to walk out of the room with his Uni friends and see me looking like a fat, yucky heffer so I went to the toilets and hid here till he rang me to see where i was at and I knew he was by himself !!

 

[Dubchick81]

Oh I am so like that too... Any time Jonathan has invited me out with his footie or his work I have had to have a few before I've gone.. But no matter how far gone I am I still usually tend to be jittery n nervous thinking "they are definitely thinking WTF is he doing with that?!"
And no matter how great people tell me I look on a night out I always feel like "the fat one" of the group.. My friend is always giving out to me for thinking so negatively about myself..