Belle's Journey

quizzicalgrrl said:
yes! no eating crap!
Click to expand...

I can't ****ing believe how hard I am finding it, not joining the others in the dinning room?

I must be nuts, the food is utter crap, no sane person would eat it and I am emotionally feeling as if I have been denied a 5 star meal, complete with silver service and a hot waiters with no shirts who look like Vin Deisel

van_diesel_m.gif


I am definitely a candidate for the white coats to come take away.

Belle You are a hopeless case
No I am not
Yes you are
No I am not
trust me you are, you are even arguing with yourself - in public .

I am not , I am not Hopeless, But it is a bit odd the tricks a carb deprived mind will play.



straight-jacket.jpg


I mean , guys, its 'orrible chips fried in old oil, tasteless white lumps of somekinda of fish ( I think its fish cos who knows what lurks beneath that odd sauce), really zombie microwaved spinach and the custard is like someone threw it up first and I won't even say what the chocolate sponge looks like .



I think I should have stayed in London:mad:.

I need some music...................
 
I woke feeling like **** and like having massive ****. Ok I know too much information, but the combination of being pissed off at having to travel back to London, being bloated and constipated proved too much. I don’t like harsh laxatives but something had to move, because nothing had moved for a week. No point being delicate and squeamish here. Its one thing not spoken of enough on VLCD forums...colonic hygiene. That feeling of being constipated is deeply unpleasant even if the scales are saying weight loss is happening...


Speaking of weight loss, after 6 or was it 7 slim fasts yesterday, I don’t even want to day what the scales greeted me with this morning. But it was either the slim fast or a major blow out on oily chips.

I don’t know how folks who don’t live alone do it. One day in a non food controlled environment and I broke out into a cold panic.
 
I am not bearing down on myself with a heavy stick. No apologies to the rah rah rah NLP Anthony Robbins Crew who might feel this is what is required. However, I do feel deeply apologetic towards myself. The aspect of me that wants to do this, the part that never quits.

I feel apologetic because all I needed to have done was think this out a few levels deeper than I did.
And then made a choice. I would have seen that yes I wanted to do the course and No I did not want to be residential. Instead I spent all Monday not wanting to go, then packing too heavy a case, then leaving the case because it was too heavy , getting there tired , being emotional about food , then leaving there late, already tired and frustrated and getting home tired , frustrated and slim fast queasy.

All I had to do was decide I’ll go, but I won’t stay, Simple.

May Angelu would say, ‘when you know better, you do better’. Ha, As If.:p
 
It’s about 5.am now. My intention is to take the fast train from waterloo back up after I post this. I’ll pack a small suitcase with the bare essentials, so that if I decide to stay up I can and if not I can come back each evening. The canteen is out for me. I’ll pack a kettle.

I do like hot water; water flavouring and I’ll be drinking a lot of that. I need to calm down. But not so calm that I slide off my program.

By Friday I could be */7. It would still involve me coming back to London in the evenings, going for long walks and hitting the gym. It’s all doable, but I have to make a choice not to be part of the social aspect of the residential. Which I can see is a bigger trigger than the food.

This time round I said NO Blame and NO Shame. I am 100% committed to becoming slim. I am not 100 % committed to doing it one way or the other. The way that works for me is the only way I care about. Hence my avoidance for anyone who is evangelical about this product or organisation or little group. I can’t be asked to put up with petty squabbles over products, turfs or which is ‘the best’


So enough R.E.S.P.E.C.T Belle, you go Girl

(See, she’s talking to her self again...Sigh)


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Oh My God, That Jessica has some killer moves.. I need to get me a waistline
 
Last edited:
good morning Miss Belle. The only things you need to be rampantsly religious about are doing what's best for Belle and taking care of Belle.

xx
 
I have been much more withdrawn today. Not really social and discouraging of casual conversation and I have felt less stressed and less pulled to eat. I know the social element is a big part of this place, but it’s not a big part of what I am about, and somehow have to find a way, daily to respect and action that. It’s an all woman residential, I prefer mixed residential.

I had to go out at lunch to get some slim fast in the local Boots Strange, they still had Banoffee. But something happened. I know it must happen daily in London, but it struck me emotionally here. It took a long time before a car stopped so that I could cross.

Truth be told, Contempt towards over weight people is more the rule than an exception. And it’s a daily thing, in small things like drivers not stopping when I want to cross the road to people deciding there simply isn’t enough space to sit next to me on the bus.

But do I hold myself in some sort of contempt also. I don’t care about the deep seated contempt of others, be it profound or minor. Nor am I out to re-educate the public on the harm these attitudes might cause to others, though I am aware of that harm and have experienced it first hand.

Its something I have on my mind at the moment. Today 2 slim fast, strawberry and lemon meringue, and not enough water, yet.

Oh and getting here this morning was a nightmarish journey, I arrived totally soaked and cold.
 
Strange but true, I really do ‘it’ to myself. The course is over for today and I didn’t need to be here at all. I didn’t need the course the travel the disruption or the certificate. I have been working all day at an accreditation I don’t need.

I applied to get on this course summer 2009! So much has changed. But when I was rung up to ask if I really needed to come right now ‘because there was a long waiting list and the course would be repeated in summer 2010 my response wasn’t the sensible, ‘here is a face saving way not to go’.
Oh no instead I felt offended, how dare they try and bump me off the course. Of course I am going to attend.

My cell phone doesn’t work properly, the reception here is crap
, its zone 6 or is it zone 7, it’s not as if it’s in the sticks somewhere.


Sigh.

Anyway I am going to make the best of a not too wise choice. Today I diluted the slim fast, one into two. It worked just as well, though I did add sweetener.
 
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