Bit of a weird situation that I'd like to hear your opinions on....

[JezVonSavage]

So, my cousin in 33 and has always been heterosexual. She's never had a "proper" relationship. She's overweight and insecure and although she's been out with blokes she's never maintained anything long term.

Last year, she starts a relationship with a female co-worker, which is not a problem to me in the slightest; I believe you can't help who you fall in love with. 9 months in to the relationship they are talking about marriage and she told me last night, whilst slightly gazeeboed, that she has already seen her Doctor to start a process of artificial insemination.

I'm in two minds about this. It's got nothing to do with me so why should I worry about it- it's her life and her decision. Nobody would have stopped me doing half of the stupid things i've done in my life. But then that's the other problem- I do think she's being a bit stupid. Gay or straight, I wouldn't recommend anyone having a baby so soon into a relationship (I don't want to offend those who have here, it's just not something I would do) especially in circumstances such as these. It's not only a new relationship, its her *first* relationship. To top things off, her Mum is of the opinion that if she lost weight and started getting male attention, she'd go for it. She seems to think that this woman is a stopgap- not really what she wants in a life partner but someone she's settled with out of nothing more than desperation.

She has already suffered from prejudice on this subject, her 2 best friends are no longer speaking to her and as I said her Mum has been quite vocal about her disdain for the relationship, that has echoed around the family. People are quite keen to say that they don't like the gf, although I have no idea if that is because she is an easy target or because they actually don't like her....I personally find her quite affable.

I've probably left loads out here, so feel free to ask any questions, but I just want some different opinions really. Do you think I should leave it or do I speak to her? Even though I know it won't have any affect. WWYD?

 

[interested92]

I'd be worried about having a child so soon into a relationship, gay, straight, bi, whatever... BUT your cousin is a grownup.
I think she probably needs to make her own mistakes, and you need to just swallow your misgivings and support her if/when things go pear shaped. it's horrible, you want to shake the person, give them a slap but you can't lol.
*hugs*.
(and ps: well done to her for finding someone to love!)

 

[xMandyDx]

We learn through experience. And sooner or later, she'll find out whether or not this is a mistake. Unfortunately, all you can do is sit back and watch it all unfold. Perhaps all the comments have made her stubborn on the subject and if she's left to her own devices she might decide not to go ahead with it.
You could offer to help her lose weight, (healthy vessel for healthy baby, that sort of thing) but the other matter is hers and hers alone to decide.

Great of you to be so worried, though. A lot of other people would just say stuff it, let her get on with it.

 

[ejgemmag]

this is whats known in the "trade" (the gay trade people) as a sterotypical lesbian occurance. The gays really tend to rush in, I have friends who have only been together since last march,moved in together in april, got engaged in December...i personally think thats all way too fast.

The only thing you can do is be there for her whatever she decides,AI is very expensive and heart breaking and emotional if it doesnt work out, if she is overweight the docs will recommend that she looses weight as it will increase her chances of getting preggo

 

[JezVonSavage]

Well, see, I thought that Ejg. I have a lot of gay friends and this all seems to be pretty standard- but then the reason why I am worrying is that everything falls to pieces as quickly as they built it. In my friends relationships anyway!

Thanks for the advice guys, I agree with everything. I'm probably not going to get involved- other than a small word in her ear. She has wanted a baby for aaaaaaaaaaaaaages and I guess this is better in some ways than having a one night stand and raising a child as a single parent, the gf is definitely a responsible adult so even if things don't work out for them they would still do the right ting by the child..

Mandy, Yes, I think I will aid help with the weight loss, there is never a bad time to lose weight is there?

 

[*EB*]

do you think her age is making her rush into things? a worry of biological clock running out (i know lots of people have kids up to 40 now, but just a thought)

If she hasnt had a relationship before she may see this as 'as good as it gets' and have a lets go for it attitude.

x

 

[dudette2001uk]

I'm inclined to agree with Ellebear, although it may be that if she hasn't been in a proper relationship before this may feel different enough to make her believe that her girlfriend really is the one. I guess there's nothing to say it won't be a successful relationship, regardless of how quickly it's all come about.

Personally I wouldn't say anything. You yourself have said that it won't make a difference, and it may turn her against you which would be a shame. I guess what I would do is just be as supportive as possible, and let her know that you'll be around to help her should the need arise

xx

 

[xMandyDx]

Well, see, I thought that Ejg. I have a lot of gay friends and this all seems to be pretty standard- but then the reason why I am worrying is that everything falls to pieces as quickly as they built it. In my friends relationships anyway!

Thanks for the advice guys, I agree with everything. I'm probably not going to get involved- other than a small word in her ear. She has wanted a baby for aaaaaaaaaaaaaages and I guess this is better in some ways than having a one night stand and raising a child as a single parent, the gf is definitely a responsible adult so even if things don't work out for them they would still do the right ting by the child..

Mandy, Yes, I think I will aid help with the weight loss, there is never a bad time to lose weight is there?

If you're her go-to person regarding weight loss, she's going to be more inclined to listen to the subtle hints you drop about other things

 

[ejgemmag]

Well, see, I thought that Ejg.

ps just call me em

 

[icklerockchick]

Tricky situation but personally I would still have a word with her and voice your opinions. It sounds like she is going to go for it anyway regardless of what everyone else is saying to her.

It's hard to let people make their own mistakes and even more so in cases like this where there is intention of bringing a child into the world who is also going to be impacted by this all.

People in love do foolish things but the only way to learn is by messing up. Many marriages occur due to an accidental pregnancy for example but it doesn't mean they are doomed, many of them go on to have many many happy years together. Just because everyone else thinks it won't work out doesn't mean that's the reality.

Her lack of previous relationships makes her more prone to do stupid things, I cringe when I think of the stupid things I did when I was younger but they all helped shape who I am now.

In the rollerderby community there is of course quite a high percentage of lesbians and a lot of them were straight before they started derby and that seems pretty common, couple of them have even been married to men before. So maybe she has just found someone to love and if she is happy then great!

I know the last thing she probably needs to hear is another negative opinion but personally I wouldn't let that stop me I still have to tell people how I feel.

X

 

[MadameLaMinx]

Firstly, I dont think the gender of the partner is relevant. The reason she may have been out with a few blokes and its never worked out may well precisely BE because shes always been gay but has needed time to come to terms with it herself, or she didnt want to be "different". Whatever her reasons, she is in the situation she is in now, because she wants to be and because she believes herself in love with her partner and wants to have a future with her.

9 months into my (hetero) relationship, my husband and I were talking future plans and babies, because we knew we were meant to be. So I dont really think 9 months is that short a time, sometimes you just "know" and when you just "know" then you dont see any logical reason for waiting before beginning to start the process.

She HAS had a proper relationship, she is in it now. It might be her first serious one, but the marriage I am in now I would consider my first "serious" one - previous ones had lasted no more than 3 months. And we are about to celebrate 14 years together.

I dont see the point, from my own perspective, in having a discussion with her about anything to do with her relationship. She isnt a child, shes making her own decisions, and the process of having a child wont happen over night and she will be further into her relationship by some way before she is likely to get seen, let alone start all the charting and planning and treatment required to be successful.

So, don't panic. And dont do anything. If she wants your help, let her ask for it, and just support her. She will need people on her side.

 

[Shirleen]

I think you should go with how you feel, however.....I think she could do with at least one person who is unconditionally on her side.

Just a thought xxx

 

[JezVonSavage]

do you think her age is making her rush into things? a worry of biological clock running out (i know lots of people have kids up to 40 now, but just a thought)

x

Absolutely. She has had a catalogue of fertility issues and was told when she was in her early twenties that IVF may be the only way for her to concieve. I suppose she's probably thinking that she start now as it could take a few years to get anywhere?

 

[JezVonSavage]

In the rollerderby community there is of course quite a high percentage of lesbians and a lot of them were straight before they started derby and that seems pretty common, couple of them have even been married to men before. So maybe she has just found someone to love and if she is happy then great!
X

True- I know a lot of derby gals who have done the same thing, 2 of them have gone on to marry women. I don't care about her sexuality, as long as she's happy, if it were a man I wouldn't want her to rush into things either.

 

[JezVonSavage]

Firstly, I dont think the gender of the partner is relevant. The reason she may have been out with a few blokes and its never worked out may well precisely BE because shes always been gay but has needed time to come to terms with it herself, or she didnt want to be "different". Whatever her reasons, she is in the situation she is in now, because she wants to be and because she believes herself in love with her partner and wants to have a future with her.

9 months into my (hetero) relationship, my husband and I were talking future plans and babies, because we knew we were meant to be. So I dont really think 9 months is that short a time, sometimes you just "know" and when you just "know" then you dont see any logical reason for waiting before beginning to start the process.

She HAS had a proper relationship, she is in it now. It might be her first serious one, but the marriage I am in now I would consider my first "serious" one - previous ones had lasted no more than 3 months. And we are about to celebrate 14 years together.

I dont see the point, from my own perspective, in having a discussion with her about anything to do with her relationship. She isnt a child, shes making her own decisions, and the process of having a child wont happen over night and she will be further into her relationship by some way before she is likely to get seen, let alone start all the charting and planning and treatment required to be successful.

So, don't panic. And dont do anything. If she wants your help, let her ask for it, and just support her. She will need people on her side.

Yes, all of this. In regards to maybe always being gay- maybe, but i'm not convinced. Even speaking to her last night she chose not to call herself a lesbian, but this is all new to her so maybe soon she might have come round to that idea.

I was speaking to OH before and he threw up the idea that actually they've been together a LOT longer than 9 months it's just that she was only open about it 9 months ago. I'd have that, in which case I really wouldn't worry about any of it.

 

[JezVonSavage]

I think you should go with how you feel, however.....I think she could do with at least one person who is unconditionally on her side.

Just a thought xxx

Yes mam, you are right xxx

 

[Vixxster]

If it takes her a few years to get anywhere then surely it's a moot point about whether it's 9 months or 9 years into the relationship. I agree that gender is irrelevant. I know that's a BIG 'if' - but still a possibility. This is all conjecture and like another poster said, perhaps she just needs someone to be there and to tell her that no matter what happens, things will be ok because you're there.

At the end of the day, single women have artificial insemination too. And I knew after 6 weeks of being with my boy that's we'd be together always. It's our 3 year anniversary on Monday. No babies, neither of us want them, but we did move in together within 6 months and get a cat within 8 months. Woe betide us if we split up, that cat will be going to and from two homes as I know he wouldn't give him up, and neither would I! xx

 

[kingleds]

It sounds like she is getting it from all angles, family wise. I feel really quite sorry for her. It's horrible when your family decide they din't like the person you are with. I had to dig my heels in for about 6 years until certain members of my family realised my OH was going nowhere.

I think Shirleen has the right of it. She will need one person who will support her unconditionally regardless of what she decides and will not say 'I told you so' if it all goes tits up. I think you are best off being that person Hun x