Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary

Sounds like a great evening out, and as they say laughter is the best medicine. It sounds like you're blessed with some wonderful friends..
It was lovely MD and I have some fantastic friends. Just don't seem to see all of them enough!

hi hun,its lovely to hear you sounding more upbeat & laughing. i know underneath you are still hurting (you know me so well :eek: ) but you are doing the right thing by going out & using distraction techniques. this will make time go faster & the healing process a little easier. it's so easy to curl up in a ball & hibernate, but that doesn't change anything. (no but it's very tempting!)
you are one strong woman. :superwoman: (the problem with always being strong is that just sometimes you struggle so hard to be strong and there's no-one stronger there to help you. :( )xx:)
but you DO know me SO well xxx

Hi Jennie, glad to hear you had a great night out. There is nothing more special than sharing time with good friends to help ease your troubles. Pleased that you are starting to feel a little better. But still sending you hugs :hug99:.
thanks Sarah, still needing them (especially during those 'reflective' moments)

Glad to see you are well on the mend!!!! And that you had a lovely time last night with your friends... and you've got another night out tonight at pub quiz you lucky duck!! (can't wait for tonight - I love my pub quiz nights.. plus there might be some more from church coming too so we will have a bigger team and that's always fun too!)Hope Zoe does well on her new eating regime next week - say good luck to her for me!!! What plan has she decided to follow??Will do, we're just going to devise our own plan (can't afford to do it any other way unfortunately)
hope you've had a great weekend xx

Just catching up with your last few days hun.. sounds like you've had a good time with good friends.. distraction theory is a good one I reckon... so glad you're beginning to feel better:) Hope the rest of your weekend goes well..Much love xxxxx:)
I think distraction theory is the one I'm 'plumping' (no pun intended) for. :) Am beginning to feel better, thanks.. hope things have improved for you too. Looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks time! xx
 
Where have the last few days gone.. ever have a 'they all blur into one another' moment?? Basically that's how it is here right now. I know it's Sunday coz I went to church this morning and there was a service on! :)

The guy from the Whitechapel Mission was there so I collared him about the job he told me about back before Christmas (remember?).. anyway.. it transpires that he does still want an administrator and I gave him my CV and he has said he will be in touch by the end of next week... so.. we shall see! I double checked the living accom was still part of the deal, and the salary.. I also told him that time is running out for me (house wise) and that I have basically 2 or 3 months max left of mortgage funds and then me and Zoe will have MAJOR problems!! (am calling estate agents tomorrow to come and give valuations and hints on what needs doingto make it more saleable..) I have a feeling it's going to cost me money to do certain things.. ie... maybe redecorate bathroom.. and my bedroom. Kitchen floor needs fixing (broken tiles coz ex laid tiles on a wooden floor - despite my 'I'm sure they will break as the floor flexes' comments.. he knew best.. so I shut up.. and now I have a lovely kitchen with a nightmare floor which I have no idea how I can sort it out without getting someone in to rip the whole floor up! (large area!!!!).. so am hoping I can find spare tiles in loft and matching sealant (otherwise going to look even worse!).. plus where laminate meets tile and laminate meets laminate (dining area to living room) need joining strips.. heaven knows what kind or where or how much.. I don't really want to think about it but it's the kind of thing potential buyers will notice. Also need to sort out this study so it looks spacious and not the hovel filled with "everything that has no other home for it" that it is!

PLUS.. the garden.. I have loads to take to the dump but don't want to fill the boot of my lovely car with wet junk! (Might go bat me eyelids at one of the neighbours and ask if he will take it in his truck).. mind you, prob get a better response if I have a chinwag with his missus! Yeah.. will do that.

Restless night last night - very weird dreams. Still quite unsettled and muddled up. Ah well.. quiz night tonight so a nice way to ease into the week again.

Had a very very bad tummy these last couple of days.. gripping pains followed by, well, you know... running to the loo and not hearing anything 'solid' going on! (sorry).. but it feels like a tummy bug.. and all I want to do is sleep.. but that could just be stress and tiredness.

Should do some work really as not in office Tuesday (hospital appointment in Leicester re sleep apnea).. can't wait to tell the surgeon that I've lost 6 stone whatever it is by then! Hopefully he will say that I need never go again and that I don't have apnea.. or.. let me have another night there to prove it to them!! (I am still as adamant and determined as ever that I am NOT having one of their masks!!).

I've not sat idle today - done some washing, cleaned kitchen, had a soup, caught up a bit on here, made some calls, emptied and reloaded dishwasher and cooked savoury mince and spuds and carrots for Zoe and her fella (who I think have just woken up - so goodness knows what time they went to bed last night!).

Going to try and be disciplined and do 2 hours of work - 1 for work and 1 for the festival. I'm usually fired up for the festival by now, but somehow I just am not .. hopefully will get me chutzpah back about it very soon.

Definitely going back to bra shop on Wednesday to be fitted again - hate these bras now - so baggy and puckering up under my clothes!! Time for new ones methinks!

Weigh in tomorrow afternoon - will catch up with things when back from that. Our church starts it's Lent course tomorrow evening so I might join that for a few weeks... will see how tired I am tomorrow and if this tummy thing hasn't gone.... well.. will have to think about starving myself.. which is usually the only way I can get rid of bugs (if it is one!). (I still wonder if it's the fizzy water I drank on Friday night....hmmm.. )

Oh well.. will catch up tomorrow afternoon (if not before!) xxxx
 
oh hope the tum settles soon, makes you feel pants doesn't it, just when you need something to make you feel better.
good to hear about lots of feelers out for jobs, surely something will come your way soon.
good luck to Zoe for the healthy eating, GI is really good, a lot of Tesco food are labled "low GI" which makes it easy to follow, basically no refined/processed foods, use wholewheat bread, pasta etc, good for stabalising hormones, pmt, mood swings etc.
good lugk for weigh in tommorrow, its due to be your "good week"
xx:hug99:
 
Hi Jennie,
Hope you're feeling better soon, the tummy upset sounds horrid ((((hugs))))

Good luck with the quiz tonight :)

I've got everything crossed for you on the job front so you'll be able to stay in your home :)

Love Kitty xxx
 
wish i lived near you i would help you with the decorating, i LOVE decorating and am quite good at it too[even if i do say so myself] plus it would be good excercise:)
good luck for w.i tomorrow
nat xxx
 
Just hopped on before bed.. quiz was good (won 2 rounds) but I just felt poo all evening.. felt (yet again) like the fat ugly friend.. saw PQM's face light up when Lucy arrived.. I damn well shouldn't feel miffed or anything by this.. she is lovely and all the blokes in there hanker after her.. but, you know what it's like... recently heartbroken and needing some form of reassurance that you are worth something/attractive to someone... fecking anyone!!... pathetic.. just one compliment from ANYONE in there tonight would have done the trick.. but no.. lol..not a single one.. and why should there be??!!!!

I'm so pathetic. Just ignore me. Feeling blue - listening to Jamie Cullum (who is great) and remembering happy times with my mate Lisa when we saw JC live in London and then at Thetford forest.. but even that isn't enough to stop me feeling so incredibly sad about Mr K.. and the fact that I let him go without a fight almost.. and that he will now be thinking of his ex as his current again.. it hurts.. I feel rejected, and that's wrong.. she IS his wife and I am nothing.. they ARE married.. I feel like I'm a right (four letter expletive) for even thinking that he would've done all the things he said he would (sell .. move out.. etc etc etc). Sorry - but I'm feeling utterly crappy and rejected and shoddy seconds.. and like , what was I thinking even getting involved with someone who hadn't made the break known even to their close family!! (should have told me what an idiot I was!!!).. *sigh... I just feel stupid, and gullible, and pathetic..and utterly unloved (I know my girls love me.. but you all know what I mean).

I need to not need to be loved by a man. I need to love myself, I have no idea how to do that though.. but I do know how to love others.. so that's what I do instead.. but boy I feel so alone tonight... :(

Found myself at the end of the quiz talking aboslute feckin jibberish to PQM ... now he's not only gonna fancy me mate even more, but also mark my card as being some fruitcake!!

I'm going to bed.. maybe things will look better after 6 hours kip!!! (can always hope!)

Weigh in tomorrow and am hoping it will be a good one.. something positive to hold tight to as I face all this week has ready to throw at me!

Zoe cheesed off too.. boyfriend not staying tonight and as he works nights all week and she's got her first weekend at work this weekend coming.. not a lot of chance of seeing one another.. not my fault, but., as most, we take out our disappointments on those we love.. :(

So sorry... not very positive end to the weekend... but hey ho... tomorrow IS a new day..
 
Jennie, it breaks my heart to read you being so down on your self. But I can understand how you feel, like the whole world is against you. And everyone else has "someone to love" and everyone is all loved up. It feels crap doesn't it.

Yep, you are right about needing to love yourself first and not needing the love of a man (thank you for your comments on my thread over the weekend) but it is hard when you've done nothing but put yourself down for more years than you can remember. I totally get where you are coming from! It might not make you feel any better but I think you are fab, as do so many of your friends on here, as obviously your friends in the "real world" do to because of the wonderful way you describe them!

Good luck with the weigh in this week. Fingers crossed for some of the job prospects coming to fruition this week. You deserve a fantastic week!

Sending you much love and lots of hugs!
 
oh Jen hun, i know only too well the feelings you are going thru, been there too many times myself. I don't know what i can say or do to make it any better for you, cos i know that how ever meaningful coments made to you are, at the moment you will not be able to see past your pain.
you are worth someone's love.
you are a beautiful woman.
life is dealing you a naf hand at the moment, but soon things will improve & your life will get better.
hold on hun, we all love you here.
:hug99:
:vibes:
xx
 
Monday morning

Thanks Sarah & Cheryl

I had hoped to wake full of the joys of spring but instead I'm even more freakin' maudlin, this is daft. Time is supposed to help! lol

Right.. going to grit teeth, put on some 'jolly' music and get stuck in to work. Going to clear one of the spare rooms tonight with Zoe (we discussed it on the way to dropping her at college this morning). Then tomorrow night, energy levels permitting, will clear the other spare downstairs room. THEN I'm going to advertise for a lodger. I don't care if it contravenes any rules or regulations with mortgage lenders.. needs must and all that.. and I can't sit back and do nothing to help our situation. So.. postcards at the ready - printing them out on pc here at work this afternoon (in my own time and will pay for them too).. and will have them ready to put in local shop windows and to send to the local papers (need to work out costs and fair price to ask too..). Bit concerned as will want a female lodger (given there is just me and Zoe). Plus.. will only offer 1 month to start (until I see about London job) and then, if I get it then no more lodger. But in the meantime it will be something helpful!

Going to ring the job agency too, disgusted they didn't get back to me and going to tell them so!! Am right in the mood for an argument this morning (well, more of a snappy emotional burst into tears at the drop of a hat heated debate) lol

Was good music on the radio coming into work.. me and Zoe were yelling out at the top of our lungs to the Kaiser chiefs.. "Ruby ruby ruby rubyyyyyyyyy" lol , that made me chuckle.

I'm not all doom and gloom, honest. Just feeling really really weird. I know it's coz I'm in withdrawal from Mr K... I know that, and I know it will be fine and all will be ok and I need to stop thinking about his situation now.. as too he needs to stop thinking of me (probably easier for him than me as he has someone who loves him.. sheesh how 'poor me' does THAT sound!!!!) crap

Anyway.. jumbling jibberish this morning.

If I try to focus on the mundane (work, diet, house) then I think the day will pass quicker. Went to Asda this morning and stocked up on appleade and bottled water. Girl on till got chatting and asked me if it was all for work and I said yes, just me at work though and she asked why so much. So I told her, its all I drink. lol Told her I was on a strict diet so limited drinks (she's lovely and slim) and she told me last year she was a size 20 and now she's a 12! She did it on a water diet? Not sure how that worked but it worked for her.. never heard of it,.. she asked me what diet was I on so I told her about it. She asked how much I'd lost. (Good job it was only 8am and no other customers). We had a right old chinwag. She told me that she has her 'fat' photo up all the time in her bedroom so she looks at it every morning as a reminder. I showed her my passport photo from last May.. lol. She looked fantastic and said that being a size 12 is the best feeling ever!

I wonder if that's what size I shall end up being? I was telling my friend R the other night that I can't imagine what size I will be when (if) I get to goal.. and he was saying he couldn't either as he had only ever known me as the size I am now and the largest I was 2 years ago!

Bless him, he's struggling to sort himself out. Glad he has his son to stay for a little while. Also, his very good friends have managed to talk him out of making massive decisions about moving out to Spain. (I think he is in a mega mid-life crisis at the moment and just needs time out!).

Anyway. I feel (oddly) better for having offloaded this twaddle on here again! Perhaps it's coz I am (relatively) anonymous.. (apart from all the lovelies I've met) and so it's easier to just say this stuff and get it off my chest? I dunno.

Oh.. I was checking out more about the parachute jump (as I am fast approaching their upper weight limit) and was mortified to read that they might exclude me because I used to have high BP and have been dizzy!! Will have a chat with the organisers and see if a note signed off by GP (if he'll do it for me) will do the trick. Then,hopefully in the next couple of weeks, I will start getting sponsor forms and dates sorted out!

MUST get the festival stuff done this week or it will not be a success!!

Right, almost 9.30. Spent too long on here already (although have been at work since 8.20am and done my emails so maybe can let myself off , just this once.

Was thinking.. if I get the London job I'm gonna need a laptop and wireless internet! (can't imagine being alone M-Fr in a london flat without minimins!!).

So. Monday morning - this will pass and then it will be weigh in with Ailsa at 3.45 and she'll sort me out! ;) Will report back then.

Thanks again girls. :grouphugg:
 
Mornin' Jennie

Hope you have a good day today, keep yourself busy should help. It's tough when you're feeling so down & very difficult to get back out of it, but so understandable after all you've been through lately.

Believe me when I say that you are such a very lovely, warm & wonderful lady - it shines out from your posts & the help, advice & encouragement you give to other people. I never would have thought I could get to know & care about someone I have never met, but I consider you a friend & am proud to know you and be a very small part of your life. Try and be a bit kinder to yourself, you so deserve it :)

Take care

xxxxx
 
Hun- I'm in a very reflective mood today - and it just strikes me that you are feeling pretty much what I was feeling about 18 months ago. I've been going on about it on my thread - how much a life can change in a short space of time. So just wanted to send you some ((HUGS)) and to say that things will get better for you. I know they will.

xxxxxxxx
 
hiya Jen,

Hope your weigh in gives good results, good luck with the lodger, time will heal, but probably need more time.

thinking of ya, Caz
 
Hi sweetheart

Hope you're ok and had a good experience at weigh in??

Take your time with the grieving process, it's going to take time... just accept it and take each hour as it comes. You know that you'll be getting stronger day by day so cling onto that babes!!!

Love,
 
Weigh in results!

I lost 6.4lbs this week!!:bliss: :bliss:

This is precisely the kind of pick me up I needed today.

Sorry so late in posting but called in to see some friends on the way home and then came home and cooked dinner (I'm on AAM this week!!!) sat and ate with Zoe then chilled out watching telly progs of her choice.. and now.. finally.. got on here to share my good news. :)

I am really pleased.. she worked it out for me that another 1.7lbs to go and that will be 7 stone gone! So, hopefully that will be next week (as long as I am controlled on my AAM!)

Hopefully will be in the 15's by Brum as now weigh 16st 6.5lbs! (Brum is just under 4 weeks away)...

This also is a significant loss this week as it takes me over the halfway mark!! I rang my mum to tell her and she was so pleased. :) Ailsa and I were chuffed too! She's ace. Told her how my emotions have been all over the shop of late.. really opened up to her on some things that have been bothering me too and she's a star! We also discussed the dizziness I've been having a lot of recently too.. I'm going to discuss with Dr.

Have to go to bed soon as driving up to Leicester for appointment at hosp about the Darth Vadar mask of doom in the morning (taking Zoe to college at 7 first!! - totally wrong direction!!!).. still... I love driving my car and I'm sure I'll find a way from Northampton to Leicester without having to turn back all the way! Hopefully this is the last time I shall have to go there! (am really hoping this is the case!)
 
Huge congrats on that brilliant loss- you are doing amazingly!

Well done for sticking to it amid your grief.

I don't think getting back on an even keel is a quick or easy or totally always going straight on process, so I'm glad you seem to be looking after yourself while you are healing.

Fingers crossed the Doctor says no to the Darth Vader mask of doom now- may the force be with you!
 
Well done Jennie You are a Star!!!!

I am so glad something has gone well for you today. I hate to see you so upset as you are usually so bubbly. You write so eloquently that when you are down I just want to give you a big hug to help the pain go away.
 
Great weight loss this week hun - you weigh less than me now.....:eek: Better get a wriggly on - I wanna be in them 15's by Bham too....!

Im assuming your 'not overdoing it' means no more than the allowed amount of pickles......;)

Hope you get on OK tomorrow - feel sure they will discharge you.....:D

Chat soon..... off for an early(ish) night myself....!

Lots of love
 
:wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow::wow::wow:
OMG that is just SOOOOOOOOOoooo fantastic, such an amazing loss, and to be so far over the halfway mark in one clean sweep.....

words can't express how happy I am for you.....that visit tomorrows only going to be a formality, I can feel in it me bones, no way they're gonna get that mask on you woman.

WOO HOOOOOOOOOooOOOOOOOoooOOOOOooOOOOOOOO
:wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow::wow::wow::wow:
 
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