CW Consultant
Gold Member
What paper is it in Jennie?
Linda
Linda
Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary
- Thread starter FatFairNForty(ish)
- Start date
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
lol, this is weird... just had a call from my friend who lives in Desborough... her neighbour works for the newspaper and brought a copy over to her of the Kettering issue and asked if I was the friend she told her about... lol and my friend didn't know I was going to be in it as I haven't seen her for a while..... so bless her she's going to get me a copy of that version too (my Sarah has been on the phone telling me I have to get copies down to her a.s.a.p! lol)...
Gas man has been and gone now so I can go and get my fruit and veg for dinner as the market stall wasn't there this morning (he's on holiday)... I need my nice hot dinner tonight... as out with Zoe to pics for 7pm and will want to be full up before I go... so... off to shop at the Co-Op now
Gas man has been and gone now so I can go and get my fruit and veg for dinner as the market stall wasn't there this morning (he's on holiday)... I need my nice hot dinner tonight... as out with Zoe to pics for 7pm and will want to be full up before I go... so... off to shop at the Co-Op now
pandora
finding my way again !
ooooooo get you mrs, page 3 (i certainly hope you weren't topless :giggle: :giggle: :giggle
i'm sure it'll do no end of good for your bussiness, lets face it any sane person would only have to look at the b4 & after photo & that would be them hooked. If i lived closer i'd be a customer for sure, i know you'd keep me on the straight & narrow !
Hope you're enjoying the pics with Zoe, we want to see that, it looked funny on the trailers.
Catch up soon
xx
i'm sure it'll do no end of good for your bussiness, lets face it any sane person would only have to look at the b4 & after photo & that would be them hooked. If i lived closer i'd be a customer for sure, i know you'd keep me on the straight & narrow !
Hope you're enjoying the pics with Zoe, we want to see that, it looked funny on the trailers.
Catch up soon
xx
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
ooooooo get you mrs, page 3 (i certainly hope you weren't topless :giggle: :giggle: :giggle
i'm sure it'll do no end of good for your bussiness, lets face it any sane person would only have to look at the b4 & after photo & that would be them hooked. If i lived closer i'd be a customer for sure, i know you'd keep me on the straight & narrow !
Hope you're enjoying the pics with Zoe, we want to see that, it looked funny on the trailers.
Catch up soon
xx
Lol... very funny.... no 'before' pic put on there... so nothing to compare to apart from trousers... but I hope you're right and that it generates some interest locally. I got stopped at the local shop and asked if I had a card... so... that makes 3 enquiries so far...
The film was ok, I was tired though and the kids kicking the back of my seat wound me up so much that I went off to the loo part way through.. lol... Zoe enjoyed it though and I did get her some popcorn from their dispenser thing... and then we went to Tesco and got some more chicken for me for tomorrow... and I've just dropped her at her mate's home and am home now having my muffin then turning in.
I'm absolutely dead on my feet tonight... feels really weird... went to see a mate and someone I know shot out of their office and told me to walk down the high street and check out the newsagents board... then I got a text from another mate to say... 'wahay - page 3 eh? ' lol lol... have to admit it does make me chuckle... lol...
I can't scan it in at home as my printer/scanner isn't working (I think it just needs uninstalling and reinstalling but am too tired to contemplate it.. lol)... but will see if the online version is on t'interweb... lol...
It's not that exciting really - well, it is and it isn't.. lol It's weird, that's what it is... weird... and it's had an impact on things with my cycling friend I think, which is a shame, but we shall see... I think I just need to get a really good night's sleep so am unplugging the phone (in case sis decides to spring another stupid o'clock stunt again!!!)
westiegirl
Gold Member
Let me know if you find it on t'internet, I'd love to see.
Um, do you mean a negative impact with bikeman? Might just be that you're overanalysing coz you're tired, a bit like me with workmate after being really tired. Seems I was making a fuss over nothing when I sent him that text I regretted.
Maybe things will seem different in the morning, night night sweetheart xxx
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
'Morning
Eventually went to bad at about 1am I think and was sleeping like a log (after one disturbance) until a text from a friend woke me so feeling a bit grouchy as I forgot to switch phone off so that I could sleep as long as I needed to...
Where to start to attack the day I dunno! lol Big list of things to do and supposed to be going to see my mate Linda for her to take a decent pic for nice business cards but to be honest... I'm not really in the mood. Still very tired but maybe a nice shower and getting dressed an running around like I usually do will sort that out! lol Think maybe the list is too long and that can be a stumbling block.. just enjoyed my now usual 2 shredded wheat - yummy!!! lol Thinking I might cancel the photo thing and start flooring the downstairs loft... or at least think about it... lol... Need to be clear headed today as planning to do some work work (more accounts) and preparation for next weeks work load (which I know is significant... ) plus I'll be out of the office on Monday so that loses me a day from the off!
Zoe woke me when she got in in the early hours too, I think that's coz I'd got used to silence at night...lol Glad she's home though as, for the first time in ages, I felt exceptionally lonely last night! What didn't help was one of my mates from the Sunday pub nights telling me that we couldn't have a team of 5 at the quiz we're going to this Thursday night and that when we got there we would get me into another team! So I did the honourable thing and dropped out, I was looking forward to it too.. lol.. an evening out with friends (PQM included)... mind you... he emailed me last night to say that he isn't going away this weekend as he had planned so will knock for me Sunday if I want him to
Getting a bit worried that TOTM has vanished... wonder if it's the menopause! Fab! lol No more TOTM!! Yipeee!!! lol Although does this mean I need to watch out for beards and my voice dropping an octave or two???
Eventually went to bad at about 1am I think and was sleeping like a log (after one disturbance) until a text from a friend woke me so feeling a bit grouchy as I forgot to switch phone off so that I could sleep as long as I needed to...
Where to start to attack the day I dunno! lol Big list of things to do and supposed to be going to see my mate Linda for her to take a decent pic for nice business cards but to be honest... I'm not really in the mood. Still very tired but maybe a nice shower and getting dressed an running around like I usually do will sort that out! lol Think maybe the list is too long and that can be a stumbling block.. just enjoyed my now usual 2 shredded wheat - yummy!!! lol Thinking I might cancel the photo thing and start flooring the downstairs loft... or at least think about it... lol... Need to be clear headed today as planning to do some work work (more accounts) and preparation for next weeks work load (which I know is significant... ) plus I'll be out of the office on Monday so that loses me a day from the off!
Zoe woke me when she got in in the early hours too, I think that's coz I'd got used to silence at night...lol Glad she's home though as, for the first time in ages, I felt exceptionally lonely last night! What didn't help was one of my mates from the Sunday pub nights telling me that we couldn't have a team of 5 at the quiz we're going to this Thursday night and that when we got there we would get me into another team! So I did the honourable thing and dropped out, I was looking forward to it too.. lol.. an evening out with friends (PQM included)... mind you... he emailed me last night to say that he isn't going away this weekend as he had planned so will knock for me Sunday if I want him to
Getting a bit worried that TOTM has vanished... wonder if it's the menopause! Fab! lol No more TOTM!! Yipeee!!! lol Although does this mean I need to watch out for beards and my voice dropping an octave or two???
KateF
Silver Member
Erm...can't believe I'm the first one on here to point this out.
Jokes about Page 3 aside, I do believe it's you who's on page 43 on today's Sun under the headline "Dieting? Not half!" with a half column story about the weight loss!
Was v excited to see it. That's Jennie I thought!
(They'll have picked it up from the local newspaper stories via the Press Association probably which puts stories on a central database).
How exciting!
Jokes about Page 3 aside, I do believe it's you who's on page 43 on today's Sun under the headline "Dieting? Not half!" with a half column story about the weight loss!
Was v excited to see it. That's Jennie I thought!
(They'll have picked it up from the local newspaper stories via the Press Association probably which puts stories on a central database).
How exciting!
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Lol, yes, that's me... my Zoe was dead impressed! I just wish they'd been a bit more accurate but either way, it was funny to see it! lol
It's been an odd day really... am beginning to think that life as a single person is better than all the muddled emotions that come hand in hand with opening the chink in the armour.
Have had some enquiries and spoken to some lovely interested people today. Ailsa has been a brilliant help with my questions and I'm looking forward to seeing her on Monday.
Going to make my muffin and go to bed and watch rubbish telly now. Not sure if still cycling tomorrow or not as it all seems to have gone a bit quiet on that front... shame really. Oh well. We shall see!
Managed to see Debbiemac this afternoon as she was in Kettering so that was brilliant! My 'cyber-cousin' lol
So... time for cake and bed! lol
Do feel a bit of a billy no mates tonight though and not felt that in a long while... I think it's because it's been such a busy time and yesterday was a really big deal for me and I had no-one, y'know, no 'partner' to share it all with. So, second night on the trot on me own on a weekend - flippin unheard of! lol Not liking it much but think once snuggled down it won't feel so bad.
Am off to find that thread you started Kitty! lol xxxxx
It's been an odd day really... am beginning to think that life as a single person is better than all the muddled emotions that come hand in hand with opening the chink in the armour.
Have had some enquiries and spoken to some lovely interested people today. Ailsa has been a brilliant help with my questions and I'm looking forward to seeing her on Monday.
Going to make my muffin and go to bed and watch rubbish telly now. Not sure if still cycling tomorrow or not as it all seems to have gone a bit quiet on that front... shame really. Oh well. We shall see!
Managed to see Debbiemac this afternoon as she was in Kettering so that was brilliant! My 'cyber-cousin'
lol So... time for cake and bed! lol
Do feel a bit of a billy no mates tonight though and not felt that in a long while... I think it's because it's been such a busy time and yesterday was a really big deal for me and I had no-one, y'know, no 'partner' to share it all with. So, second night on the trot on me own on a weekend - flippin unheard of! lol Not liking it much but think once snuggled down it won't feel so bad.
Am off to find that thread you started Kitty! lol
xxxxx
KateF
Silver Member
Hello!
I know this is a bit late night sofa-y, but just to say that I too feel like that!
I've had a busy fortnight. Probably the most successful I've ever had work-wise. had nice contacts with lots of people. But tonight, in on my own, feel very, very alone. Sometimes all the flurry and whirl of activity just helps cover up the sad feelings that can come to the surface when there's no one there all the time. Letting people in is great- but, as you say, it then helps open up the armour and reminds you of the loneliness. oh dear, this sounds a bit maudlin- but actually I have faith that for you Jennie, and Gen, and me, some of the similar stuff we share about letting people in and keeping them at a distance is changing for the better. But with the change, comes the pain at what we haven't had if you see what I mean. yes, that's it- the closer you get to being more who you want, the more poignant are the reminders of what you haven't had.
Then, the merry go round goes round again, or the rollercoaster sets back off and we're back into joy and closeness...nearer each time to having it as a more constant thing.
( I think!)
I know this is a bit late night sofa-y, but just to say that I too feel like that!
I've had a busy fortnight. Probably the most successful I've ever had work-wise. had nice contacts with lots of people. But tonight, in on my own, feel very, very alone. Sometimes all the flurry and whirl of activity just helps cover up the sad feelings that can come to the surface when there's no one there all the time. Letting people in is great- but, as you say, it then helps open up the armour and reminds you of the loneliness. oh dear, this sounds a bit maudlin- but actually I have faith that for you Jennie, and Gen, and me, some of the similar stuff we share about letting people in and keeping them at a distance is changing for the better. But with the change, comes the pain at what we haven't had if you see what I mean. yes, that's it- the closer you get to being more who you want, the more poignant are the reminders of what you haven't had.
Then, the merry go round goes round again, or the rollercoaster sets back off and we're back into joy and closeness...nearer each time to having it as a more constant thing.
( I think!)
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
I'm off to bed to watch Con Air.... kate,you hit the nail on the head!
Night night ladies xxxxx
Night night ladies
xxxxx
westiegirl
Gold Member
Ah, what a very astute post Kate. I'm with you guys. I posted about how lonely I felt on Friday night and last night some of the same feelings returned.
I had a great time at the Liverpool meet but coming home everyone seemed to be either with a big group of mates or loved up. And there was me on me lonesome, totally sober.
Anyway, that was last night and I don't want to carry the maudlin mood into today.
Jennie, I'm so pleased for you and I hope you have a nice day today, whatever pans out xxx
I had a great time at the Liverpool meet but coming home everyone seemed to be either with a big group of mates or loved up. And there was me on me lonesome, totally sober.
Anyway, that was last night and I don't want to carry the maudlin mood into today.
Jennie, I'm so pleased for you and I hope you have a nice day today, whatever pans out xxx
Debbiemac
Cambridge Consultant
Lush - Nic Cage, a few extra muscles thrown in..... what more could a girl ask for!! (Well, maybe for my sister to shut up so I could actually WATCH the film.....)
Great to catch up yesterday Jen - shame I couldn't hang around - they almost drove off without me! Next time I'm in the area I'll make more time......I'll send you that stuff when I get back to my own Computer (need your email though!!)
Take care.
jane
Opinionated
evening Jennie, Have been having pc probs recently. A couple of long posts have been dumped by the pixies into that gap twixt screen & website. So in a nutshell
well done
Never doubted you
you'll be a great CDC. (Experience,enthusism & understanding)
ps I've tried to find the pics in the sun from website but can't . any chance of posting them on here?
pretty please?
well done
Never doubted you
you'll be a great CDC. (Experience,enthusism & understanding)
Lol, yes, that's me... my Zoe was dead impressed! I just wish they'd been a bit more accurate but either way, it was funny to see it! lol
Have had some enquiries and spoken to some lovely interested people today. Ailsa has been a brilliant help with my questions and I'm looking forward to seeing her on Monday.
I'm sure there'll be many more in the coming months.
Do feel a bit of a billy no mates tonight though and not felt that in a long while...
it's not often that feel the need to disagree with you J, but a Billy N-M?
when your forum threads are as busy as ever...probably more so?
when you've been in the local & national paper & all the attention that has had?
with eager potential clients contacting you already,as well as your friendchip with Aisa.
not to mention all your social life, sky diving etc.
feel sure i've forgotten a few categories but reckon I've made my point.
If you're a Billy N-M then I'm a sad opinionless drudge who's favourite colour is beige .
Perhaps you need a quiet night & some sleep? i know it's not the same as having a H type partner, but you are certainly not 'alone'
Am off to find that thread you started Kitty! lol
ps I've tried to find the pics in the sun from website but can't . any chance of posting them on here?
pretty please?
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
LOL, thanks Jane - firstly, no pics in the sun just a teensy bit of text... lol...
As for the B-N-M... I hear ya... it's just that I felt that way... and it doesn't happen often... was just , I think, me being over-emotional and over-tired (says she, still up at 1.40am on a 'school -night' !)
I do need some quiet nights in and early to beds and I don't think I've done any of that since my holiday in June... so... perhaps this week I should make a real effort to do so!
My weigh in with Ailsa is at 4 tomorrow and , bless her, she's going to take my 'after' pic and weigh me and also help answer my ever growing list of questions.. making the first return call to an enquiry was really hard but the rest were ok. I have another one to call tomorrow as I missed her call this afternoon!
It looks like I may not have to go alone to my skydive after all, but only a possibility, another friend of mine has said he will come along and take copius numbers of photos, lol, and be there to give me moral support!
As for the B-N-M... I hear ya... it's just that I felt that way... and it doesn't happen often... was just , I think, me being over-emotional and over-tired (says she, still up at 1.40am on a 'school -night' !)
I do need some quiet nights in and early to beds and I don't think I've done any of that since my holiday in June... so... perhaps this week I should make a real effort to do so!
My weigh in with Ailsa is at 4 tomorrow and , bless her, she's going to take my 'after' pic and weigh me and also help answer my ever growing list of questions.. making the first return call to an enquiry was really hard but the rest were ok. I have another one to call tomorrow as I missed her call this afternoon!
It looks like I may not have to go alone to my skydive after all, but only a possibility, another friend of mine has said he will come along and take copius numbers of photos, lol, and be there to give me moral support!
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
As for the rest of my day today...I got up later than planned, pottered about the house, had my scrummy shredded wheat and then, an hour before heading off to ride, I made my main meal - I thought I was on for a 30 miler and wanted to stoke up the boiler so to speak... got to his place and the decision was made to go to Pitsford again... must admit was relieved as don't think I have the energy for 30 miles yet! lol So, we went and did 3 'laps' of Pitsford Reservoir, fed the birds, chatted to a total stranger about life and the universe, almost 'took out' several small children and a yorkshire terrier! lol (will have to describe better as it was a lovely afternoon) and after a quick drink at his place after I set off home and rang Zoe from the car with strict instructions to run a deep deep bubble bath with the Blue Radox as that's the muscle soaking stuff! lol 3 laps = 22 miles! My botty hurts but apart from that I think the radox worked it's magic as so far nothing else is aching.
I was almost ready when PQm 'knocked' for me at 8.30pm... we had a great natter on the way to the pub and the evening, as it always is down there, was nothing but lots of laughter and fab company. Plans confirmed for this Thursday evening when 5 of us are going to a quiz night in a neighbouring town... I'm driving (only teetotaller so makes perfect sense!) lol We'll have a great time I'm sure.
PQM walked me home and ended up coming in for a coffee - we discovered that Zoe and her fella had just polished off a massive Indian takeaway! The house still smells of it! I made him a coffee and he gave me a hug and a kiss goodbye...
Came inside, cleared up the kitchen (yet again!) and hopped on here having made my muffin... have had a bit of a mooch around the site and posted a bit... had a very difficult conversation with someone and ended up hanging up on them. Not a happy bunny.
Maybe coz I'm tired, maybe coz I'm so angry that they have got me SO wrong and no amount of my insisting would convince them, maybe coz I was upbeat and now am pi$$ed off as what had ended as a really lovely day and evening has now been soured. Who knows. I don't, but I do know I am going to bed with a scowl instead of a smile and that makes me cross too! Grrrrr.
Remind me never to send a late night text again - no matter WHO I want to send it to!!! It can do untold damage!
So... phones all off and unplugged and am Mrs Huffypants now... signing off ! lol
More droning tomorrow no doubt... oh... another thing... hacked off that Zoe drank my freakin milk so if I want cereal in the morning I have to hoof it to petrol station first!! KIDS!! lol
Night xxxxxx
I was almost ready when PQm 'knocked' for me at 8.30pm... we had a great natter on the way to the pub and the evening, as it always is down there, was nothing but lots of laughter and fab company. Plans confirmed for this Thursday evening when 5 of us are going to a quiz night in a neighbouring town... I'm driving (only teetotaller so makes perfect sense!) lol We'll have a great time I'm sure.
PQM walked me home and ended up coming in for a coffee - we discovered that Zoe and her fella had just polished off a massive Indian takeaway! The house still smells of it! I made him a coffee and he gave me a hug and a kiss goodbye...
Came inside, cleared up the kitchen (yet again!) and hopped on here having made my muffin... have had a bit of a mooch around the site and posted a bit... had a very difficult conversation with someone and ended up hanging up on them. Not a happy bunny.
Maybe coz I'm tired, maybe coz I'm so angry that they have got me SO wrong and no amount of my insisting would convince them, maybe coz I was upbeat and now am pi$$ed off as what had ended as a really lovely day and evening has now been soured. Who knows. I don't, but I do know I am going to bed with a scowl instead of a smile and that makes me cross too! Grrrrr.
Remind me never to send a late night text again - no matter WHO I want to send it to!!! It can do untold damage!
So... phones all off and unplugged and am Mrs Huffypants now... signing off ! lol
More droning tomorrow no doubt... oh... another thing... hacked off that Zoe drank my freakin milk so if I want cereal in the morning I have to hoof it to petrol station first!! KIDS!! lol
Night xxxxxx
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Mrs Huffypants and men! Argh!
Well, Mrs Huffypants continued to be around until about 4am this morning and as a result I am totally wiped out. I overslept and that's not a good thing at ALL! worse than that, I upset a very very dear friend because I gave a totally vitriolic reaction to their views and opinions.
So - here comes my attempt at clarifying what kicked off...
JUSTIFICATION: The thing is... when you are on a high (and I was by the end of last night) after a pretty draining emotional few days, the very last thing you want (or need) is someone raining on your parade so to speak. Even IF there is an element of truth in what they say. When you hear what they say and it hurts you (partly because they are totally wrong about some things and partly because they are totally right about others) and it's 2 o'clock in the morning... well, no excuse I guess, but I did a mega knee-jerk 'up yours' kind of reaction.
EXCUSES?: At the moment I feel like I am like a dog chasing its tail... there is so much to do... and with my recent muddled-upness about my cycling friend (which I am actually not so muddled about now and think I know where I stand on that one)... and my emotions about other things going on in life (i.e. Estate Agent came Friday and I put house on the market)... and Zoe not having a job yet, and Sarah being homesick now too, and the whole 'going public' lark and the resulting emotions on that score... the fear and excitement of a new business venture... waiting to hear about surgery... blah blah blah... well let's just say.. I think, at the moment, I am perhaps a tad stressed out.
REFLECTION: I was asked the question this morning 'Why must you have a man in your life when there is so much else to do/must do?" and my thoughts this morning (having had about 4 hours sleep) are mixed. It isn't a case of I 'must', it's a case of I'd 'like' . I don't think I am alone in my thinking but, I'd like a good man in my life to love me and for me to love, to share decision making with, one to look after me when I want them to and to let me do the same for them, a mutually enriching relationship, I'd like to love again properly (not flash in the pan lust(although that can serve a purpose too I guess - but instead, a real, deep, proper love) and know that I am loved in return, I'd like to once again feel that warm ready-brek glow when I think of someone and have the certain knowledge that they feel that way about me too. I want to feel that 'zing' when I see them that makes me want to hold them close and return their kisses, and to know that they are feeling that way too and to exchange a look that says 'I want to hug you'. It has to be all mutual though. No imbalance. I'd like them to think of me first thing in the morning and last thing at night just as I would be of them. It isn't a must, it's an 'in an ideal world'.
MORE REFLECTION: I know that I give my heart away far too easily and that recent events (stalker man... brown eyes...dating site muppets... etc) have shown me that I have toughened up a bit and learnt some valuable lessons. I was trying to explain - at 2 o'clock this morning - and failing miserably - that it's ok to like lots of people at the same time - not date them all at the same time - just like them. (Like seeing a pair of boots in a shop window and feeling oooh I'd really love those... then seeing in the next window another pair and feeling the same but for a different reason and not actually ending up having either pair but remembering both pairs whilst shopping for other things and still feeling that way about them - what a crap analogy, but you get the idea)... e.g I still like S, at the moment I can't see that changing, I have a past flame from years ago who I still hold a candle for, that won't change... it's been decades, lol... it isn't wrong and it isn't flighty or superficial, it's life. It's the past and past loves and acknowledging them as such and not denying their ongoing - albeit underlying - existence.
On the other hand, I don't burn a candle for my ex husband (who I totally and utterly adored and would have laid down my life for at one time), and that was a major revelation too! This makes me realise that one day I shall probably not have even a flicker for S, but at the moment, yeah, if he was to ring me and say 'lets go for it Jennie' I would be sorely tempted! But all the alarm bells would be ringing and clanging and my closest friends would warn me off, lol Because, deep down, I know he isn't for me, if he was, he would be (if you know what I mean).
Same as with past loves for whom feelings have changed into those of a very deep level of friendship, where physical attraction no longer exists (on my part) but instead there is this incredible companionship and that kind of soulmate of a friend develops, where you know that whilst once it had the potential to have been that almost 'perfect love' and might have been everything you ever wanted, but that now it can only be what it is because both of you have changed so much. It doesn't make me a bad person or superficial does it? Maybe it does, maybe because the kind of men I used to find physically attractive (or accepted as physically attractive at that time) no longer appeal to me and I look differently at men (and I do, I cannot deny it and nor would I)... I have changed, my girlfriends who know me well know that too... I've also got harder (at least initially whilst the armour is on and buckled up)... and won't allow it to slip if I can help it.. and.. as I posted the other night... once you start letting it loosen then all matter of problems can occur and you can expose a vulnerability which makes you uneasy and nervous too.
The end result of all this rambling is this... in the early hours of this morning I hurt someone I care about very much and regret that, but, at the same time, I cannot make myself 'feel' different... I wish I could... life would be so much easier and filled with so many positives if I could. I know that and I think to be accused of being superficial because I need that physical attraction in a relationship, well, perhaps they are right and because they were I reacted very badly to it, but there it is. Physical attraction isn't everything, but it is something and I can't deny it.
Anyway. New day, new dawn. Still feeling stressed out and very reflective and tired but also thinking about what needs doing today now that I have not made it to the place I should've been at 9am! I shall dedicate this morning to CDC matters and then head over to Ailsa's for my weigh in and some sound advice on CDC matters.
Had another call this morning from an interested lady and am in the process of sorting out things for her.
Monday morning's eh...
Well, Mrs Huffypants continued to be around until about 4am this morning and as a result I am totally wiped out. I overslept and that's not a good thing at ALL! worse than that, I upset a very very dear friend because I gave a totally vitriolic reaction to their views and opinions.
So - here comes my attempt at clarifying what kicked off...
JUSTIFICATION: The thing is... when you are on a high (and I was by the end of last night) after a pretty draining emotional few days, the very last thing you want (or need) is someone raining on your parade so to speak. Even IF there is an element of truth in what they say. When you hear what they say and it hurts you (partly because they are totally wrong about some things and partly because they are totally right about others) and it's 2 o'clock in the morning... well, no excuse I guess, but I did a mega knee-jerk 'up yours' kind of reaction.
EXCUSES?: At the moment I feel like I am like a dog chasing its tail... there is so much to do... and with my recent muddled-upness about my cycling friend (which I am actually not so muddled about now and think I know where I stand on that one)... and my emotions about other things going on in life (i.e. Estate Agent came Friday and I put house on the market)... and Zoe not having a job yet, and Sarah being homesick now too, and the whole 'going public' lark and the resulting emotions on that score... the fear and excitement of a new business venture... waiting to hear about surgery... blah blah blah... well let's just say.. I think, at the moment, I am perhaps a tad stressed out.
REFLECTION: I was asked the question this morning 'Why must you have a man in your life when there is so much else to do/must do?" and my thoughts this morning (having had about 4 hours sleep) are mixed. It isn't a case of I 'must', it's a case of I'd 'like' . I don't think I am alone in my thinking but, I'd like a good man in my life to love me and for me to love, to share decision making with, one to look after me when I want them to and to let me do the same for them, a mutually enriching relationship, I'd like to love again properly (not flash in the pan lust(although that can serve a purpose too I guess - but instead, a real, deep, proper love) and know that I am loved in return, I'd like to once again feel that warm ready-brek glow when I think of someone and have the certain knowledge that they feel that way about me too. I want to feel that 'zing' when I see them that makes me want to hold them close and return their kisses, and to know that they are feeling that way too and to exchange a look that says 'I want to hug you'. It has to be all mutual though. No imbalance. I'd like them to think of me first thing in the morning and last thing at night just as I would be of them. It isn't a must, it's an 'in an ideal world'.
MORE REFLECTION: I know that I give my heart away far too easily and that recent events (stalker man... brown eyes...dating site muppets... etc) have shown me that I have toughened up a bit and learnt some valuable lessons. I was trying to explain - at 2 o'clock this morning - and failing miserably - that it's ok to like lots of people at the same time - not date them all at the same time - just like them. (Like seeing a pair of boots in a shop window and feeling oooh I'd really love those... then seeing in the next window another pair and feeling the same but for a different reason and not actually ending up having either pair but remembering both pairs whilst shopping for other things and still feeling that way about them - what a crap analogy, but you get the idea)... e.g I still like S, at the moment I can't see that changing, I have a past flame from years ago who I still hold a candle for, that won't change... it's been decades, lol... it isn't wrong and it isn't flighty or superficial, it's life. It's the past and past loves and acknowledging them as such and not denying their ongoing - albeit underlying - existence.
On the other hand, I don't burn a candle for my ex husband (who I totally and utterly adored and would have laid down my life for at one time), and that was a major revelation too! This makes me realise that one day I shall probably not have even a flicker for S, but at the moment, yeah, if he was to ring me and say 'lets go for it Jennie' I would be sorely tempted! But all the alarm bells would be ringing and clanging and my closest friends would warn me off, lol Because, deep down, I know he isn't for me, if he was, he would be (if you know what I mean).
Same as with past loves for whom feelings have changed into those of a very deep level of friendship, where physical attraction no longer exists (on my part) but instead there is this incredible companionship and that kind of soulmate of a friend develops, where you know that whilst once it had the potential to have been that almost 'perfect love' and might have been everything you ever wanted, but that now it can only be what it is because both of you have changed so much. It doesn't make me a bad person or superficial does it? Maybe it does, maybe because the kind of men I used to find physically attractive (or accepted as physically attractive at that time) no longer appeal to me and I look differently at men (and I do, I cannot deny it and nor would I)... I have changed, my girlfriends who know me well know that too... I've also got harder (at least initially whilst the armour is on and buckled up)... and won't allow it to slip if I can help it.. and.. as I posted the other night... once you start letting it loosen then all matter of problems can occur and you can expose a vulnerability which makes you uneasy and nervous too.
The end result of all this rambling is this... in the early hours of this morning I hurt someone I care about very much and regret that, but, at the same time, I cannot make myself 'feel' different... I wish I could... life would be so much easier and filled with so many positives if I could. I know that and I think to be accused of being superficial because I need that physical attraction in a relationship, well, perhaps they are right and because they were I reacted very badly to it, but there it is. Physical attraction isn't everything, but it is something and I can't deny it.
Anyway. New day, new dawn. Still feeling stressed out and very reflective and tired but also thinking about what needs doing today now that I have not made it to the place I should've been at 9am! I shall dedicate this morning to CDC matters and then head over to Ailsa's for my weigh in and some sound advice on CDC matters.
Had another call this morning from an interested lady and am in the process of sorting out things for her.
Monday morning's eh...
