Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary

You poor lil thing. As ya said on my diary jennie things will calm down for you also..... you can't be everywhere all the time... and you have to be able to do stuff you like to do also to make you happy.

Big hugs sweetie xxxx
 
Hey, any good psychologist will tell you that in order to "be there" for your love ones you have to take care of yourself first. A lack of sleep helps no one and only feeds irritability and bad judgement calls.. I'm sure if you were more rested you might have appeased your daughter when you first spoke, so you are doing the right thing. Only if you are well can you really give to others in a manner which benefits them. Don't give in to the emotional blackmail of people who aren't in your shoes. I'm sure you are a great mum and daughter, but people get senseless when they are scared or sick, it's natural. It's gonna be ok.
 
Thanks, all... was just having a bit of a "pity party" this morning... feeling brighter now - mum will be at the hospital and they will be doing whatever they do... daughters will both be at work... and sister will be with mum...

Have done a lot more at work than I anticipated so feel like I have at least been useful here... plus... off on a training course this afternoon which, if it were being held another time, I would not go on.. but... might be just the distraction I need!

I read all your comments and sent pi$$ed of daughter a text apologising and telling her I would rather she rang me at any time than think I am a $hit mother, and that she should understand, however, that if it's the middle of the night I WILL assume something dreadful has happened... it's the best I can do right now to be honest.

Shed some more tears but have to "get a grip now" and carry on ...

Hoping to get home in time this eve to bake some of other daughter's fave cakes to take this evening... also must pick up a card... I have lists as long as my arms..

Yesterday I took out my frustrations on my hedge and buddlia (sp) tree... lol.. today I think it will be cake beating... lol

HWSNBN has a job interview this afternoon, I hope and pray he gets it... I can't cope with seeing him sulking around the house... I know he wants me to want him to comfort me, but, I can't and don't... he will misunderstand if I let him hug me... I know him... he will see it as hope.. and there is none... not as far as a relationship is concerned... he asked me yesterday what he could do to help so I told him - "vacuum and polish".. lol For the first time ever, when I got home, he didn't point out that he had done this! I could see he had but was in such a hissy fit with daughter that I forgot to thank him. Must try and remember to do so today... (he needs thanking for emptying the dishwasher, letting the dog out, putting the seat down on the loo, etc etc etc... )

I might just ask him to watch the dog tonight so I can sleep and I will wear eye mask and earplugs and go to bed... I usually get a good sleep that way... all depends on what happens this afternoon with mum... I may well end up dashing down the M1 & M25 again....

We shall see. Thank you for your wise words and lovely support.

Weigh in tomorrow... hope its good... I had 2 biscuits just now (saw them in the kitchen at work and just scoffed them down!)... didn't enjoy them.. but the sugar rush was nice... *sigh* pathetic! lol

NO MORE!!

Soup next and then the training course... hope I can find the place... if not I may just go home to bed.. lol
 
Patience is a virtue with which I am not abundantly blessed at times... and this is one such time!

I went to my Food Safety course this afternoon and sis rang to tell me mum has been sick all day, at the hospital and had a ct scan and was then having a bone scan... she said the scan would be over around 4pm and that she would call me with an update as soon as she could... here we are 2 hours later and nothing.. not a text... no call... nada.

I have no idea what is going on, how mum is, what (if anything) they found, and what they intend to do about it! Sis said mum hasn't asked them any questions and I told her that she (sis ) MUST ask questions!! Scans give instant results... and.. as long as there is someone around who can read them then they should be able to give us SOME clue!!!

I have done nothing but eat since I came home - an entire cooked chicken, massive salad and now my 3rd CD pack of the day.. I am utterly stuffed and feel like I've been such a pig and I want to eat and eat and eat... I won't now though... I HAVE to focus on the end goal..

I HAVE to reach my goal... I HAVE to stick to this... I HAVE to stay in control of at least this part of my life!

I have just baked some cakes to take to my younger daughter as a flat-warming gift, and have a real numpty bloke coming over to pick up a bike club bit of merchandise at 7pm. NOT in the mood for him at all as he was supposed to come yesterday and didn't, then he said he would come to the office this morning, and didn't... so.. if he doesn't show up at 7pm he can eff off!! I don't have time to be messed about for the sake of a sodding bag worth £2.50!!

Pi$$ed off daughter is STILL not communicating with me! *sigh* well, at least I tried... I texted both my girls to say I would let them know about their nana as soon as I do... I have a feeling I will be heading down the motorway this evening... in fact, I might even throw some stuff into a bag in preparation (that's a good idea!) and be ready to go if called upon! If sis has her way I know that mum will be admitted today as she has been so sick all day,. dizzy and hasn't "been" for over a week! PLUS, sis said they were planning on doing a biopsy tomorrow in the hospital which will mean trying to get mum back home, upstairs, and back down again and back to the hospital... would've been ok if she'd have bought a damn bungalow!! Grrrrr!

I am angry with everyone and everything right now... got PMT on top of everything else too I think... and am so tired!

Miserable, moaning minnie... signing off for now... xxx
 
Oh dear, oh dear, I don't think there's one of us reading your diary right now that doesn't recognise how you're feeling. I don't blame you one little bit.... the uncertainty IS the killer. Once you know what needs to be dealt with you can make plans or adjustments as necessary. Coping mechanisms will kick in but for the moment you're very frustrated.

We DO cope because really there's no choice in the matter. We just have to. I hope you hear some news soon, you must be going mental with it all.

BIG hugs for you..... at times like these (and I've had plenty of them) I say to myself..... and this too will pass.

Lots of love to you sweetheart, you're doing the best you can and that's all you CAN do for now. More hugs..... look after yourself xxx
 
FINALLY got a call from sister - having left 2 texts and a voicemail asking her wtf is going on!! She took mum home from the hospital! Neither asked any questions - so NO information forthcoming, mum supposed to be back there in the morning for a biopsy BUT instead, sis rang mums GP and SHE has said mum has to go to hospital for blood tests and to get "cleared out" as she hasn't "been" now for 8 days!! Dr was adamant that mum should be in hospital NOT at home and that she is a "very poorly lady"... so, sis waiting for ambulance BUT mum will end up being admitted (if admitted) to a DIFFERENT hospital to the one where she is supposed to have the biopsy as the biopsy one doesn't have an A & E !!!! So... NO biopsy tomorrow now if she has to stay in a.n.other hospital.. and NO feedback from scans or hospital...

I am beside myself!!! WHY did my sister not INSIST they sort out my mum's bowel issue whilst she was there! I have been saying all week that it MUST be a contributory factor in her sickness... but no... wtf do I know? I only did pre-nursing, I only did anatomy and physiology and human biology... no, I'm NOT a Dr., BUT I have lived long enough and seen enough and studied enough to KNOW that 8 days of constipation is DANGEROUS let alone in a woman of 76 who is ill too!!!! ARGH!!!

I, AGAIN, said, I'll come down - no! Mum came on phone and was singing sister's praises... oh she's been wonderful she's doing this, she's doing that... she's so-feckin-wonderful-thesunshinesoutherar$e!

IF mum isn't admitted to hospital I AM going down there tomorrow and WILL be sending my sister home! I WILL SORT THIS OUT!!!

I have ALWAYS been the one to sort things out, to ask the questions, to get things done, to get things seen to... to problem solve... etc etc etc... it has been this way my entire life... even as a child if something had to go back to a shop I was the one to take it and ask for a refund etc...

I am at an utter loss as to how my mother has had to endure coming home and no, having to go back to hospital again.. time for putting foot down!!!!!!

GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

AND I ate 2 of my cakes too! My head is all over the place... sorry.. utter looney tunes!!
 
Aw honey, I am sorry to hear all this. I have been so busy DIYing that I have only just caught up. You must get your mum sorted - my dad was 11 days with constipation and it just got more and more complicated.

I do feel for you honey, because not knowing is the worst!!!
 
No surprise that you feel all over the place, the ward your mum goes to will have been given all of her details by her gp so they will know she is due her biopsy tomorrow and if she is well enough they might transfer her to the other hospital to get it, you must be so stressed, but you are a strong person and you will get through this. xx
 
Flipping eck Jen I can feel your pain/frustration from here darling.

I feel for you I really do, what utterly sh!t times youre having :(

Stay strong, you are more than capable of dealing with this, cry and shout when you need to and just take one day or even one hour at a time. You're a fab mum and daughter so please don't beat yourself up xxx
 
So, a new day.... well.. I actually have something semi-good to report...

I went to see younger daughter and her fella in their new flat last night - lost the plot with my satnav en route and almost pulled over to just get out the car and scream! lol Instead I ranted and raved like a complete loon at the top of my lungs as if I was having a conversation with the Drs at the hospital... kinda "I am NOT taking my mother home... etc etc... SORT her out".. that kinda thing... thank God it was a long empty road I was travelling (a bit like life can feel at times)... anyway, I set the satnav and it started to take me to the wrong town! I was giving it a right slagging off! lol Poor Gertie almost ended up in a ditch! (my satnav is called Gertie... Gertie Garmin)... Tried to call younger daughter and it kept going to voicemail... tried her fella, same thing... here I was driving along the A6 with a tin of freshly-baked cakes, screaming and ranting at invisible Drs and a bemused irresponsive satnav and getting me knickers in more than one knot!!

I pulled over and texted pi$$ed off daughter (who, by the way, is STILL pi$$ed off with me...).. asked her if she had her sisters new postcode... she googled the address, gave me the code and I set off again... younger daughter rang and I screeched down the phone about the damn satnav and life in general and why didn't she answer her phone... blah blah mental mum me!!

Bless her, I swore as the satnav told me, yet again, to go to this damned town... and hung up in tears. I just drove then into the town I KNEW she lived in and then, calmly, tried the satnav again... this time, it worked... it had clearly previously picked up the same address in a closer town (or else it was a problem twixt seat and steering wheel!)...

Regardless, I found the place and, huffed and puffed my way up the flights of stairs to their flat (cake tin in hand)... she had (in the interim) texted to say "come round another night when in a better mood" lol So she was shocked to see me stood there, cake tin in hand, tears streaming and shaking with tiredness.

She gave me the biggest, loveliest hug and I just sobbed... I told her about falling out with her sister ... about my sister.... about my mum... about how tired I am...etc etc etc... we sat for ages and she was lovely... just what I needed and, her fella gave me a huge hug too... I love hugs and I really really needed them...

We talked about how her sister must be feeling too, and how, sometimes, all you want is to hear your mum's voice... we talked about the situation with my mum... and what should and could we all do... about the Drs and my sister and how she must be feeling... and oh, just everything I needed to talk about with someone who loves me and who I love and who shares my love for the others involved... we had a few tears, and lots of laughter... she said some good stuff...

Continued...
 
we basically set the world to rights, then, my sis rang... mum had been taken to the same hospital that she had spent the entire day in.. and was now waiting, on a trolley, to be seen by a Dr. Sis was told it could be up to 3 hours before she gets seen and even then she might not be kept in! I was a bit surprised she hadn't followed the ambulance in her car to be honest, but, then, she and I are very different...

Anyway, mum had told the nurses she wanted my sis with her, so, she set off. She is exhausted (sis) and she told me that she would call when she had seen mum.. I told her I was going to go down there this morning and would be giving the hospital some stick until they sorted mum out! She said there was no point, nothing I could do... I told her to call the GP in the morning and get her to ring the hospital for the scan results and then to call her back with them... I have it under very good authority (you know who you are) that a GP has a RIGHT to results immediately and so, all this nonsense of "they haven't said and we haven't asked" tosh and twaddle can be dealt with! I now have the GP's name and number and if sis doesn't do it , I damn well shall!!!

I came home utterly exhausted from daughters but uplifted too, it had been great to see her, and to know I wasn't alone in my thoughts and views on what was really going on with mum and sis...and my elder daughter.

I really need to call my elder daughter today - no more texts, will speak to her.. get it sorted out... clear the air...

Sis rang again as soon as I got home - she had gone to the hospital at mum's insistence and when she got there, mum was fast akip snoring her head off! lol lol She was not amused! lol (I admit I was a little but really felt for her as we share the "I cannot function with no sleep" gene pool!

She told me that she was going to refuse to take mum home as the house is NOT suitable for her at present and that she was NOT going to take her home until she was "unbunged" lol

Oh,.,forgot to say... I spoke to mum too, whilst she was waiting for the ambulance... and told her she needed colonic irrigation, and , if she liked, I was sure we could come down, rig up the hosepipe and fairy liquid and a bucket of warm water and sort her out! Told her I was sure Hozelock probably do a fitting to suit! lol She laughed and so did I. I told her to make a fuss at the hospital and not be shy and quiet about how she is, I told her that she is NOT trouble, she is a person who is entitled to help and should demand it! She was odd really, one second laughing and sounding normal and the next saying in a very little voice how poorly she is... she told me she has suppositories in her first aid kit at home that would sort her out but that she wasn't able to do it... I told her to get sis to! She said she couldn't possibly ask her to do that!! FFS! So I said I would do it!!

I understand her not wanting to ask us to do that, but at what cost? Huge pain, more hospitalisation so a nurse can do it instead? Could always call a district nurse in to do it... or the GP (although reluctant to do that as GP's are overstretched as it is and to use up so much of their time shoving things up sick ladies bums isn't really fully utilising them!)...

Can you tell - I got some sleep? lol

Got home and HWSNBN was sitting watching tv... he said that I looked utterly exhausted.. so I asked him if he would mind sorting the dog out as I would love to put earplugs in and go to sleep... he was very keen to help so that's what happened.

I went to bed, ear plugs in... and was out like a light! Woke a few times in the night, checked phone, no messages, good ... then got up an hour earlier than usual so, headed into work and jumped on here to update/offload...
 
So - what does today have in store I wonder? well - all things being equal, Sis will have done as she said, I told her to go home and leave word with the nurse to tell mum that she had come but mum was sleeping so she left... I hope she did that... she sounds shattered..

Also... hopefully today will bring an "unbunged" mother, a biopsy, at least a little information about what the various scans showed... and,. hopefully some peace of mind and a plan of action.. hmm, perhaps I am a tad optimistic, but, it is ALL possible!

I think that once they get the constipation sorted out she will stop feeling and being sick... I also think she will be in less pain... and... perhaps it may improve her mobility a bit so she can go home... that said.. I wonder if hospital is the best place for her right now... if everytime she goes home she ends up having an ambulance called out... *sigh*

I DO hope sis has stuck to her guns... I just wish she had done it yesterday afternoon... still... it's done now and, hopefully, she will call me with more news soon.

I told her I was so frustrated being so far away and not being able to interrogate (coz trust, me, that's what it will be) the medics, and not being able to DO anything... she got the hump a bit and said I wouldn't have achieved any more than she had.. so I told her she was probably right (not) but at least I would have felt I had been of some use... I again offered to go down and, once again, was emphatically told NO, no need, nothing you can do... no point.

So. I'm at work,. list of things I intend to complete this morning, and list for home too... already got washing in machine, scribbled a thank you note to HWSNBN for enabling me to get a good night's kip (fingers crossed for the same again tonight)... and got to work over an hour early... already printing stuff out.. and dealing with emails...

Still knackered but feeling more able to cope without being at screaming pitch... look like a bag of poopiedoos but really don't care..

Oh, and it's weigh-in day today too... hope the mega salad and the carbs of yesterday don't screw things up! Back on Sole Source now for the next 12 weeks... bum already getting saggier and boobs, well.... gravity is cruel eh? ;)

Right - going to crack on now... I know you are probably bored to tears with my madness and ramblings but it is SO cathartic to "get it off my chest"... I feel like I've lost a stone just since typing! (oh, how nice would THAT be,,., lol)

Right - will update when I know anything else... still frustrated but not at lobbing satnavs at passing bushes stage at the moment!

Thanks for "listening" ...
 
Rage all you want, Jennie because that is what your diary is for if need be.

Glad you got a good nights sleep because as I have found this last week it really does make a difference.

I hope you get some positive news today with no more flimmflamming and nothing definite which would drive most people mad.

((((hugs))))

Pam xxx
 
Blimey how the heck did you manage without posting for so long!!! ;)

Joking aside, keep ranting, whatever makes you sane is fine with us, honest!! Lovely to hear how your evening went with your daughter (eventually) and I truly hope your mum gets sorted to some degree today, to become unbunged at the very least! As a sufferer myself I have every empathy for her xxx
 
still waiting for more news on mum ... she should've had her biopsy this morning - have heard they have addressed her other "bunged up" problem and things are already moving in the right direction on that one! lol thanks goodness!

Now all we need to know is ; what tests have they done, and why and what are the results..

What should / can we do next?

What is the prognosis and what will that entail?

Soo... sis is heading back to hospital as I type... fingers crossed for some encouraging news, although sis said that mum looked yellow to her last night.. :(

Am so tired I may just go off to bed right now for a nap....
 
Exactly what needs to be done... someone asking questions, hope you get some definite answers.

Did you get chance to be weighed?

xxx
 
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