Well, it has arrived... today...
Up and at 'em at stupidly early o'clock and who gets up too??? Yep.. Mr Misery... he followed me around as I got ready for my stay at mums... it drives me nuts! In the end I sat down at the table to have my first pack of the day and he made himself some cereal and sat in the living room in silence.. I hate it! I just wish he would leave me alone to get on with it in my own way!
For the first time though he hasn't said "I am here for you"... but the standard "take care please when you're driving" was uttered... being a tad stressed (as can be proven by the scoffing of 4, yes 4!! fairy cakes and at least the same in home baked ginger biscuits late last night!!!).
No more though - have all my food packs in the car and will NOT be breaking it ... the worst I shall do is have extra packs... I MUST control at least 1 part of my life!
If you looked in the boot of my car you would think I was going away for a month, lol, bag heaving with clothes and toiletries (well, as boss said, if needed I could have Mon & Tues too I thought I might pack in case), spare shoes, waterproof jacket, sleeping bag (in case sis changes her mind and I end up on sofa, which is fine with me as it's a recliner anyway)., laptop, all my chargers and camera, phone, satnav, bottles of Dr Pepper Zero, enough Cambridge diet to last me a over a week, toiletries, umbrellas, fleece, and Uncle Tom Cobbly and all!
I am prepared!! Dib dib and all that...
Had a hilarious text from mum last night to say she had "been" again and she signed off with "Love from Mummy 2 poos" ... lol lol Methinks I may remember that for a long time to come.. lol
I'm not going to pretend that things are ok, but they're manageable at the moment... car is full of fuel ... and I am almost up to date with work stuff so wont be worrying about that whilst away... bike club stock check figures were due but I had to do the accounts last night and I was shattered when I finally crawled into bed , so, energy and emotions permitting I shall try and decipher all my scraps of paper this evening at mums - or tomorrow - or whatever...
Have decided to let sis drive today if she wants to... letting her do what suits her best is probably the best way to be for a while... if I have any major problems with her plans I will stand firm though - a bit like my staying from now... I just TOLD her it was a done deal... end of... IF she wants to stay at mums too then that's fine with me too... have sleeping bag and ear plugs and jimmy palmers so will be fine!
TOTM due next week so I need to watch anger levels... and emotions...
I have a list scribbled down and will be typing that up and taking it with me... I may just make a copy and hand it over to the consultant and ask him to write down the answers for me... or answer them and I will write down the answers... either way will work for me!
You never know, it may not be as bad as I think... ah feck it... who am I trying to kid... it will be what it will be... and... whatever it is... we (mum, sis and me) will deal with it... each in our own ways no doubt... but in some ways we will be united I am sure... lots of happy memories to hang on to and with the sun shining through the clouds, hopefully won't be totally miserable ... if you know what I mean...
Cannot imagine how my mother is feeling... I feel nervous, anxious, excited in a way (not in a jolly way, and it's weird to say that but it is a form of excitement... iykwim)
I also have a huge feeling of disassociation - as if its happening to someone else's mum..
Right - 2 hours of trying to be productive here in the office and then I shall be on my way... the appointment is at 2pm today.
ALL prayers welcome. Specifically for peace of mind and acceptance and understanding, tolerance and clarity of thought. Love and kindness.
Many many thanks to you all for letting me waffle on like this and get it all "out there"... it really helps.
I hope Mr Misery talks to someone and gets the comfort he needs right now... because I cannot give it to him... mine is reserved for my family...
Will update later when I can. Don't worry if not for a long while - it will just mean the opportunity hasn't arisen... if need be I will text one of you and ask you to update on here for me...
Love you all loads... thanks again... am turning to our darling friend Sarah for help today too... she would have been a rock for me here on earth and she still is up there in heaven... and Lucy.. who I am positive is holding my hand through this too...
Later my friends... later xx
