Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary
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FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
thank you my friends... I am so tired and cold... but as my sister decided she didn't want to go back to her own home tonight I am delegated to sleeping on the sofa but as she and her fella are sitting on it watching telly... I am sitting on a dining chair waiting for them to enable me to get undressed and get into my sleeping bag and snuggle down for a bit of kip (hopefully!!!)
I did "cheat" today - had half a ginger biccie... but that's all!! Had my 3 packs and am f-f-f-freeeezing as sis had all the doors open all eve and it's damn cold outside!! Will be glad when she ******* off tomorrow and leaves us to it! It's as if she doesn't think I know how to look after mum... she forgets that it was me who cared for mum when she had her last lot of cancer... I'm not an idiot... I know how to look after my mother...
Sorry, but I am utterly wiped out and I just wish she'd gone home.. I really need a decent bit of kip and the telly's on and the dishwasher (which is in kitchen and there is an open-plan archway twixt living room and kitchen) so even if her fella goes and she ups to bed, I will have to listen to that churning away for who knows how long!
She's just gone out of the room to ring a friend... I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP!!!!!!
I did "cheat" today - had half a ginger biccie... but that's all!! Had my 3 packs and am f-f-f-freeeezing as sis had all the doors open all eve and it's damn cold outside!! Will be glad when she ******* off tomorrow and leaves us to it! It's as if she doesn't think I know how to look after mum... she forgets that it was me who cared for mum when she had her last lot of cancer... I'm not an idiot... I know how to look after my mother...
Sorry, but I am utterly wiped out and I just wish she'd gone home.. I really need a decent bit of kip and the telly's on and the dishwasher (which is in kitchen and there is an open-plan archway twixt living room and kitchen) so even if her fella goes and she ups to bed, I will have to listen to that churning away for who knows how long!
She's just gone out of the room to ring a friend... I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP!!!!!!
Redpam
Living the Life
Jennie, just tell your sister that you are shattered and need to go to sleep. Tell her that you will change places with her and use the bedroom if you cant get the settee right away. After all it is nearly 10.30 and it is not unreasonable to want to go to bed at this time. I cant believe she is that thoughtless
((((hugs))))
Pam xxx
((((hugs))))
Pam xxx
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
oh Pam, if only it were that simple... lol It would cause too much upset,, so,, instead I am sitting here nodding off at the keys... I can hear her on her phone upstairs! She has no idea how noisy she is!! Saving grace is that mum is zonked out on morphine and has hearing problems so, thankfully, sis isn't disturbing her!!!
Sis didn't want me to stay tonight remember? SHE decided this morning that she wasn't going to go home tonight so when I arrived mum asked where I was going to sleep! So I told her.. I've got my sleeping bag and will take the sofa! I am not at all impressed.... her man is about to go home...about damn time too!! No wonder she is so knackered if she stays up late all the time... sorry but my eyes hurt... and how come it would have been ok for me to have to make a 4 hour round trip today and go home to my house alone (had I not insisted on staying) but isn't ok for her to go 30 minutes???????
SOmething not quite right there methinks!!
OMG! Her man has gone and she's upstairs clumping about in the bedroom and I can STILL hear her on her phone!! FFS!! I wonder if I brought my earplugs.... do hope so... otherwise I may just go up there and throw the damn phone out of the window!!!!!! GGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! She KNOWS I have lots to do with mum tomorrow!!!
Sis didn't want me to stay tonight remember? SHE decided this morning that she wasn't going to go home tonight so when I arrived mum asked where I was going to sleep! So I told her.. I've got my sleeping bag and will take the sofa! I am not at all impressed.... her man is about to go home...about damn time too!! No wonder she is so knackered if she stays up late all the time... sorry but my eyes hurt... and how come it would have been ok for me to have to make a 4 hour round trip today and go home to my house alone (had I not insisted on staying) but isn't ok for her to go 30 minutes???????
SOmething not quite right there methinks!!
OMG! Her man has gone and she's upstairs clumping about in the bedroom and I can STILL hear her on her phone!! FFS!! I wonder if I brought my earplugs.... do hope so... otherwise I may just go up there and throw the damn phone out of the window!!!!!! GGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! She KNOWS I have lots to do with mum tomorrow!!!
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Awake again, ridiculous time of day to be awake!!
Wish I'd thought to get a pillow, lol but didn't .. Oh well
Am still going on holiday next week... But don't feel as excited but think I will when on my way...
Can't think straight ...
Wish I'd thought to get a pillow, lol but didn't .. Oh well
Am still going on holiday next week... But don't feel as excited but think I will when on my way...
Can't think straight ...
wannabeminime
Gold Member
More (((((HUUGS))))) from me Jen. I really hope they find a way forward for your mum. xx
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
So begins a new day.... mum slept really well, so did sis... I will tonight.. I won't be staying up late... mum goes to bed around 8, and I won't be far behind her...
She's in great spirits this morning.. and I am taking her to the hairdresser at midday (not really sure it's a good idea, but what mum wants/needs mum will get from hereon in).. what am I saying, "from hereon in" lol it's ALWAYS been this way... lol
The increased dosage of morphine definitely did her good so she's decided to continue that at night..
We were talking this morning about the British Legion Conference next April... it's in Llandudno... she says she's sorry she'll miss it! So I gave her a "Jennie" look and told her to plan to go regardless as plans can always be changed if necessary... she gave me a resigned smile and just said... true.. but I don't think I shall be going... to which I just smiled back and said... well, let's wait and see shall we, you just never know mum, you never know.
And we don't... on the one hand she could easily be able to go, pain under control and surrounded by friends.. hell.. I'd be more than happy to go with her as a "carer/helper"... no sweat!
I think Sis is going to feel how I have felt now... surplus to requirements whilst not here.. and "out of the loop"... but I will be in constant touch with her and when we go (in a few minutes) to see mum's GP I am going to talk to her about what WE need to do next to help mum (and to help us) to cope with whatever the next few weeks/months/years (?) may have in store..
I think it's important that we each take responsibility for specific aspects and jointly for others... that way we will both feel useful and can work independently and together for mum's sake.
Sounds good in theory eh?
I realise my diary will now probably be a lot about mum and what happens with her and her treatment etc.. but hey, it's my diary so thrrrrppp.. lol
Best go before "the boss" gets up and comes downstairs champing at the bit to get to the GO.. (The Boss is my sis... in fact... think I may rename her..). To be absolutely fair, she is utterly exhausted. I can see it in her every movement and facial expression. She is tired and the last 2 weeks have really taken their toll on her. Even though it's only been 14 days it has been horrendous for her to be a part of, and worse is to come... I am going to talk to her and to work about splitting the week with her... if I can swing it I shall try and take Fridays off and come down on Thursday nights and go home on Sunday eves... so most weeks it will be 4 days sis, 3 days me... and sometimes 4 days me, 3 days sis... and sometimes a whole week me, etc... I have things planned but can change them and any future plans will be on the proviso of mum being ok, and sis being happy for me not to come down... but I am not making many...
It could well mean that I may have to put my surgery on hold too... I anticipate my op being in March time.. and would need a few weeks off work to recover, but I can wait.. we shall see... it will all depend on the next few weeks really and what the oncologist says and does and how mum's body responds to treatment..
It's crappy but we will get there., and, we will have fun doing so too! I am going to get a crossword puzzle book today as mum and I both like to do them so we can sit together on the sofa and do some (her suggestion).. and... when she is more able to sit comfortably I'm getting Scrabble coz she loves that and so do I...
Right - best go... time to fetch brekky tray down and sod off out to see GP.. I am going to give them MY contact number too as everyone just seems to have my sister's so... knickers... they can have both!
She's in great spirits this morning.. and I am taking her to the hairdresser at midday (not really sure it's a good idea, but what mum wants/needs mum will get from hereon in).. what am I saying, "from hereon in" lol it's ALWAYS been this way... lol
The increased dosage of morphine definitely did her good so she's decided to continue that at night..
We were talking this morning about the British Legion Conference next April... it's in Llandudno... she says she's sorry she'll miss it! So I gave her a "Jennie" look and told her to plan to go regardless as plans can always be changed if necessary... she gave me a resigned smile and just said... true.. but I don't think I shall be going... to which I just smiled back and said... well, let's wait and see shall we, you just never know mum, you never know.
And we don't... on the one hand she could easily be able to go, pain under control and surrounded by friends.. hell.. I'd be more than happy to go with her as a "carer/helper"... no sweat!
I think Sis is going to feel how I have felt now... surplus to requirements whilst not here.. and "out of the loop"... but I will be in constant touch with her and when we go (in a few minutes) to see mum's GP I am going to talk to her about what WE need to do next to help mum (and to help us) to cope with whatever the next few weeks/months/years (?) may have in store..
I think it's important that we each take responsibility for specific aspects and jointly for others... that way we will both feel useful and can work independently and together for mum's sake.
Sounds good in theory eh?
I realise my diary will now probably be a lot about mum and what happens with her and her treatment etc.. but hey, it's my diary so thrrrrppp.. lol
Best go before "the boss" gets up and comes downstairs champing at the bit to get to the GO.. (The Boss is my sis... in fact... think I may rename her..). To be absolutely fair, she is utterly exhausted. I can see it in her every movement and facial expression. She is tired and the last 2 weeks have really taken their toll on her. Even though it's only been 14 days it has been horrendous for her to be a part of, and worse is to come... I am going to talk to her and to work about splitting the week with her... if I can swing it I shall try and take Fridays off and come down on Thursday nights and go home on Sunday eves... so most weeks it will be 4 days sis, 3 days me... and sometimes 4 days me, 3 days sis... and sometimes a whole week me, etc... I have things planned but can change them and any future plans will be on the proviso of mum being ok, and sis being happy for me not to come down... but I am not making many...
It could well mean that I may have to put my surgery on hold too... I anticipate my op being in March time.. and would need a few weeks off work to recover, but I can wait.. we shall see... it will all depend on the next few weeks really and what the oncologist says and does and how mum's body responds to treatment..
It's crappy but we will get there., and, we will have fun doing so too! I am going to get a crossword puzzle book today as mum and I both like to do them so we can sit together on the sofa and do some (her suggestion).. and... when she is more able to sit comfortably I'm getting Scrabble coz she loves that and so do I...
Right - best go... time to fetch brekky tray down and sod off out to see GP.. I am going to give them MY contact number too as everyone just seems to have my sister's so... knickers... they can have both!
HopeSprings
Gold Member
Sweetheart, it's what your diary's for, unloading... get stuff outta your head 
You're doing exactly the right thing for everyone so I hope you give yourself some credit.
Take one day at a time and make the best of it you can. After losing both my parents I see now that they both wanted life to be as 'normal' as possible for them despite knowing that their time was limited.
I can hear my Mum's voice whispering in my ear now.... cross each bridge as you come to it.... bless her!
Lots of love to you xxx
You're doing exactly the right thing for everyone so I hope you give yourself some credit.
Take one day at a time and make the best of it you can. After losing both my parents I see now that they both wanted life to be as 'normal' as possible for them despite knowing that their time was limited.
I can hear my Mum's voice whispering in my ear now.... cross each bridge as you come to it.... bless her!
Lots of love to you xxx
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Back from Drs and getting frustrated... sis went into complete control freak mode again... she reminded me what I had to do... and I told her it was ok.. I am a big girl now and I KNOW what I need to do... so.. I am now washing the bedding (my bedding so I can sleep in bed tonight).. and have cleaned kitchen (fridge needs a thorough scrubbing - that's on my personal list of jobs), dog needs walking... and I need to get on and try and sort out a disability badge and also about rubbish collection...
I am not happy that sis has taken mums only means of getting cash ... she took her debit card with her "I need it to cancel the holiday"... hmmmm... I have a funny feeling about this... perhaps I am a bit cynical... but... I heard her when she was talking to mum about taking it with her... she knows her pin number etc... I don't like it.. and I don't like that mum is just letting her take it either... got a sick feeling in my stomach about this...
It means too, that, should mum WANT anything that is more than the cash in her purse then she can't have it... it sucks... I am not happy.
Perhaps sis doesn't trust me!!!! Whatever, the next time I stay I am going to tell her I don't want her taking mums card with her. It's not right and it should be kept with mum at all times so she has total control over it. Sorry, you probably think I am really mean but I know stuff ... and I would not be all that surprised if things are purchased... and mum will be oblivious...
In half an hour she will be getting up and dressed and we will see how she fares at the hairdressers... then a quiet afternoon of peace and quiet... it will make a change from the highly charged emotions of the last few days... I have a feeling that sis will be on the phone later asking how did I get on with xyz. I cannot allow her to bully me (or mum)... I know we are both very headstrong, fiesty, independent women.. and she is OUR mother. Not just hers. PLUS.. when I insisted on giving the Dr MY contact information she was most unimpressed... and she said no no I will give it to him.. but I think he sussed it out as he asked me to write it down so I gave him my name, address and all contact numbers... they need to INCLUDE me... I know this all sounds like ridiculous sibling rivallry and perhaps it is.. but I am NOT having my sister play the "martyr" etc... I heard her tell mum that Pam (mums friend) is coming tomorrow... so how come she hadn't said to me?? I AM here... I DO exist...
Mum wants us to go away for the WHOLE of Christmas... me and sis and her.. from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day... which will mean I won't get to see MY daughters for the first Christmas in their lives!!! I have mixed feelings... MY daughters are as important to me as we are to mum... I LOVE spending Christmas Day with my girls... it's something we have ALWAYS done for the last 24 years... I cannot imagine not seeing them both on Christmas Day... I know some of you will think I am being horribly selfish when I say, I think it's a bit selfish of mum to make it so we cannot see OUR children on Christmas Day... oh that sounds dreadful... utterly horrid of me.... and I made the mistake when sis said about it.. of hesitating to be so joyous about the plans of staying in a plush s****y hotel at the one time of year which I have ALWAYS reserved just for my family....
Christmas may be mum's last... but then,.. it may not be too... it may be my last - well, let's face it, you never know do you! I dunno... maybe I am being dreadfully selfish but I love my girls more than anything in this universe and I hate the thought of not cooking a huge feast and enjoying the laughter and games and love we share on Christmas Day... the one day where we will ALL not have to go to work... it's ok for sis she loves the idea of lording it up.. but I wonder too... come Christmas... which is, after all, 4 months away... will mum be "up" to travelling into London and sitting in a theatre and how will we kill the hours in a hotel.... when she will definitely not be able to walk around and shop etc... sorry but I wish she would think of something else... perhaps there is a compromise... I could have Christmas early with my girls?? It isn't the same though... oh shyte... I am such a cow... I should just be grateful mum wants me to go with them... because, trust me, that is precisely how it will be... them going and me making up the numbers...
moan moan feckin moan... cow cow cow cow cow.... anyone else would be overjoyed... me? Nah? I want my girls... not glitz... is that wrong?
I am not happy that sis has taken mums only means of getting cash ... she took her debit card with her "I need it to cancel the holiday"... hmmmm... I have a funny feeling about this... perhaps I am a bit cynical... but... I heard her when she was talking to mum about taking it with her... she knows her pin number etc... I don't like it.. and I don't like that mum is just letting her take it either... got a sick feeling in my stomach about this...
It means too, that, should mum WANT anything that is more than the cash in her purse then she can't have it... it sucks... I am not happy.
Perhaps sis doesn't trust me!!!! Whatever, the next time I stay I am going to tell her I don't want her taking mums card with her. It's not right and it should be kept with mum at all times so she has total control over it. Sorry, you probably think I am really mean but I know stuff ... and I would not be all that surprised if things are purchased... and mum will be oblivious...
In half an hour she will be getting up and dressed and we will see how she fares at the hairdressers... then a quiet afternoon of peace and quiet... it will make a change from the highly charged emotions of the last few days... I have a feeling that sis will be on the phone later asking how did I get on with xyz. I cannot allow her to bully me (or mum)... I know we are both very headstrong, fiesty, independent women.. and she is OUR mother. Not just hers. PLUS.. when I insisted on giving the Dr MY contact information she was most unimpressed... and she said no no I will give it to him.. but I think he sussed it out as he asked me to write it down so I gave him my name, address and all contact numbers... they need to INCLUDE me... I know this all sounds like ridiculous sibling rivallry and perhaps it is.. but I am NOT having my sister play the "martyr" etc... I heard her tell mum that Pam (mums friend) is coming tomorrow... so how come she hadn't said to me?? I AM here... I DO exist...
Mum wants us to go away for the WHOLE of Christmas... me and sis and her.. from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day... which will mean I won't get to see MY daughters for the first Christmas in their lives!!! I have mixed feelings... MY daughters are as important to me as we are to mum... I LOVE spending Christmas Day with my girls... it's something we have ALWAYS done for the last 24 years... I cannot imagine not seeing them both on Christmas Day... I know some of you will think I am being horribly selfish when I say, I think it's a bit selfish of mum to make it so we cannot see OUR children on Christmas Day... oh that sounds dreadful... utterly horrid of me.... and I made the mistake when sis said about it.. of hesitating to be so joyous about the plans of staying in a plush s****y hotel at the one time of year which I have ALWAYS reserved just for my family....
Christmas may be mum's last... but then,.. it may not be too... it may be my last - well, let's face it, you never know do you! I dunno... maybe I am being dreadfully selfish but I love my girls more than anything in this universe and I hate the thought of not cooking a huge feast and enjoying the laughter and games and love we share on Christmas Day... the one day where we will ALL not have to go to work... it's ok for sis she loves the idea of lording it up.. but I wonder too... come Christmas... which is, after all, 4 months away... will mum be "up" to travelling into London and sitting in a theatre and how will we kill the hours in a hotel.... when she will definitely not be able to walk around and shop etc... sorry but I wish she would think of something else... perhaps there is a compromise... I could have Christmas early with my girls?? It isn't the same though... oh shyte... I am such a cow... I should just be grateful mum wants me to go with them... because, trust me, that is precisely how it will be... them going and me making up the numbers...
moan moan feckin moan... cow cow cow cow cow.... anyone else would be overjoyed... me? Nah? I want my girls... not glitz... is that wrong?
wannabeminime
Gold Member
I like Cheryls idea, or have them all to yours for Xmas! xx
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
In theory that would be perfect but in practice it's not possible on many levels... mum cannot travel as far as my place, the costs of having them come to a plush London hotel for Christmas Dinner would be more than a tad prohibitive... I think I will suggest we (the girls and I ) have a delayed Christmas Day in the New Year - I am sure that will be acceptable to them both and I will still get to cook.. lol.. in fact, I might just ask Mum (if she feels up to it).. if I can bring them down and do it at her place! That way they get to see her during the festive season too!
Yeah, I like that idea!! A New Year Christmas Dinner!
Yeah, I like that idea!! A New Year Christmas Dinner!
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Is it wrong to be excited that mum has her appointment with the Oncologist on Tuesday morning? I am so glad it is so prompt... they said he doesn't work Fridays and so it was a really fast appt... I agree! At last.. things may be moving... I want to go with them but sis seems reluctant for me to go home Sunday and come back Tuesday to go home again Tuesday and then set off on hols... I'll see how mum is doing and will make a decision on Monday night.. end of! lol BUT... I have told sis I will re-jig the questions list and give it to her.. I am also going to fax it to the Dr in question in the hope that he may have some answers prepared for when they arrive - or at least will have an idea of what we want to know... hmm... good.. feel better about that... and, sis will be glad that she is "in charge" again... but, I am going to give mum strict instructions to get sis to RING me or text me as soon as they get back from Oncologist... and I know mum will do that...
She has been a lot brighter today - lots of sleep last night did her the world of good and I took her to the hairdresser and she feels more like her now her hair is looking lovely again.. and she got a gorgeous big bunch of flowers from the grandkids (my girls and sis's 3 kids) and loves them! Her friends have been ringing and she is much brighter... she hasn't even noticed the time (she used to be clock-watching for her morphine).. so this slow-release stuff must be good!!
Right - am going to sit and do a puzzle with her now... catch you later! xx oh, AND she has been up and dressed and out of bed far longer than usual too!
Oooh, she may get seen on Monday!! If so, I am staying here an extra night (no doubt designated to sofa again in deference to sis, but I am going to stipulate I AM going to bed when mum does! and she will just have to lump it! lol )... which will mean I can go away on Tuesday afternoon knowing EXACTLY what's what and that it really IS ok to go...
Today is turning into a pretty good day, all things considered....
She has been a lot brighter today - lots of sleep last night did her the world of good and I took her to the hairdresser and she feels more like her now her hair is looking lovely again.. and she got a gorgeous big bunch of flowers from the grandkids (my girls and sis's 3 kids) and loves them! Her friends have been ringing and she is much brighter... she hasn't even noticed the time (she used to be clock-watching for her morphine).. so this slow-release stuff must be good!!
Right - am going to sit and do a puzzle with her now... catch you later! xx oh, AND she has been up and dressed and out of bed far longer than usual too!
Oooh, she may get seen on Monday!! If so, I am staying here an extra night (no doubt designated to sofa again in deference to sis, but I am going to stipulate I AM going to bed when mum does! and she will just have to lump it! lol )... which will mean I can go away on Tuesday afternoon knowing EXACTLY what's what and that it really IS ok to go...
Today is turning into a pretty good day, all things considered....
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