Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary
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FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Almost time for sis to come and me to go... *sigh* Another lovely relaxing day with mum. I did the washing and ironing and the took all the recycling to the centre and did a little bit of essential shopping this morning.
Massaged cream into mums legs, feet and hands and then gave her a manicure and painted her nails for her. After dinner she went up to bed and I have been sitting in the sunshine, having washed up and watered the pots down at the bottom of the garden. Car is all loaded up and, sadly, sis will be here within the hour.
Mum and I have had a lovely weekend together... we haven't actually been anywhere really, nor done anything in particular... and that, I think, is what has made it so lovely.
We have just chilled out together... and enjoyed being with each other. We have reminisced about holidays and funny things... we "dance" everytime she comes down the last stair.. lol She leans on me and we both burst into "shall we dance, cha cha cha.." from The King and I... lol
She loves the dvd player being downstairs and we will begin to watch Cool Runnings, maybe, before I go home.. it depends on sis and what time she arrives.
I have washed and dried and ironed all the bedding on "our" bed and re-made it so it is all fresh. I also bought the latest "Hello" magazine as a present for her and have left that on the bed.. mum mentioned how much sis loves the mags but cannot afford to buy them... and I thought, well, why not... £2 is a small price to pay for a good feeling and a nice surprise...
I am tired all of a sudden and know that when I get home I shall be ready to go to bed.. but that's ok, as I go home to a pretty empty house (only the lodger will be in) and it will be wonderful and peaceful and, if the sun is still out, I shall lay out in my own back garden and catch the closing rays of the day...
I don't want to go, and I want Thursday to arrive now!! I can't wait to be back here with mum again... Oncologist on Tuesday, am really hoping sis will update me fully and promptly...
Right - best go and wake mum...
Massaged cream into mums legs, feet and hands and then gave her a manicure and painted her nails for her. After dinner she went up to bed and I have been sitting in the sunshine, having washed up and watered the pots down at the bottom of the garden. Car is all loaded up and, sadly, sis will be here within the hour.
Mum and I have had a lovely weekend together... we haven't actually been anywhere really, nor done anything in particular... and that, I think, is what has made it so lovely.
We have just chilled out together... and enjoyed being with each other. We have reminisced about holidays and funny things... we "dance" everytime she comes down the last stair.. lol She leans on me and we both burst into "shall we dance, cha cha cha.." from The King and I... lol
She loves the dvd player being downstairs and we will begin to watch Cool Runnings, maybe, before I go home.. it depends on sis and what time she arrives.
I have washed and dried and ironed all the bedding on "our" bed and re-made it so it is all fresh. I also bought the latest "Hello" magazine as a present for her and have left that on the bed.. mum mentioned how much sis loves the mags but cannot afford to buy them... and I thought, well, why not... £2 is a small price to pay for a good feeling and a nice surprise...
I am tired all of a sudden and know that when I get home I shall be ready to go to bed.. but that's ok, as I go home to a pretty empty house (only the lodger will be in) and it will be wonderful and peaceful and, if the sun is still out, I shall lay out in my own back garden and catch the closing rays of the day...
I don't want to go, and I want Thursday to arrive now!! I can't wait to be back here with mum again... Oncologist on Tuesday, am really hoping sis will update me fully and promptly...
Right - best go and wake mum...
tech1960ps
Full Member
Congrats to shrek on getting a job. Great to see your in better spirits, I really wish I could give you a big :bighug:
keep strong, my thoughts are with you both.
keep strong, my thoughts are with you both.
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Well, I spent all my time at home yesterday sorting out paperwork (piles of the stuff) and seem to have even more than when I started - despite half-filling the recycle box! I realise how important it is to be organised and have everything 'in order' and am going to make sure that, should anything happen to me, that all my 'affairs' are in order properly and easily found.
It shouldn't be hard - I have no savings, no debts (except to WHSNBN) and just one hefty mortgage for a house crammed with worthless junk... lol A car that isn't mine and 2 bikes that are...
Should be simple enough to organise that - the problem is the 'historical' paperwork I have to hang on to - marriage certs, divorce papers, boundary arguments, legal stuff to do with mum...
Whilst doing my battle I came across loads of old photos... sis wants me to find a nice one of mum for her funeral order of service... *sigh*
I hate the thought of it but am doing what I can.. I have found lots of lovely photos that made me laugh aloud and cry simultaneously...
I lost track of time and then had to dash off to see Dr... I want to get the flu jab, as mums carer I should have it done to protect us both - if I get flu then all her care will fall on sis, and if we both get it she'll end up in hospital!
Mum at hospital this morning - sis texted to say pain worse, and mum said she doesn't want to carry on if pain continues... I can understand that but also, selfishly, I don't want to let her go...
I spent so much of yesterday just sobbing... but it was good for me.. and in a house all alone was ok to do just that...
I baked too... 3 dozen assorted fairy cakes and a batch of ginger biscuit dough which I shall cut and bake today.
HWSNBN is coming back tonight - I am dreading it. I really need him to move out. I have been looking at possible flats and houses for him so that., when I broach the subject I can offer suggestions... if you knew him you would know that this is what it is going to take.
I shall have to do the leg work on it but, with a daughter in the estate agency business and her chap too, well, let's say, it should be pretty easy to find somewhere he will like at the right price. Daughter and her chap know him really well so know what's important to him too - and may get some discounts on some of the fees..
*sigh* I do feel a bit mean but to be honest, it is so so SO much better without him around... perhaps when he is working it won't be quite so awful, but I just do NOT want him living here when mum dies... he will be dreadful.. I know he will... he will be incredibly needy and I won't have it in me to give... and I don't want to!
I have realised how important it is to be happy with your lot.. and how important it is to make the best of things... and how you do NOT have to tolerate things which you know will make you miserable or stressed out...
I have realised that I will be selling up, everything, and moving to the coast ... I have no idea when nor which coast but it will be next year. I am not going to put off things until a set time as that set time may never come.
My mother is an amazing woman, she has done and seen many amazing things. When she dies she will leave a legacy of laughter, love and fabulous memories.. also of fights and tears and hardness too. She is no saint, and nor am I. She is my mum and I love her and I don't want her to die... but.. she is going to and I can't stop it. All I can do is carry on loving her the best way I can, and keep reminding her how wonderful she is and what a great mum she is.
I wish my sis would call me... they MUST be back from the hospital by now!!
It shouldn't be hard - I have no savings, no debts (except to WHSNBN) and just one hefty mortgage for a house crammed with worthless junk... lol A car that isn't mine and 2 bikes that are...
Should be simple enough to organise that - the problem is the 'historical' paperwork I have to hang on to - marriage certs, divorce papers, boundary arguments, legal stuff to do with mum...
Whilst doing my battle I came across loads of old photos... sis wants me to find a nice one of mum for her funeral order of service... *sigh*
I hate the thought of it but am doing what I can.. I have found lots of lovely photos that made me laugh aloud and cry simultaneously...
I lost track of time and then had to dash off to see Dr... I want to get the flu jab, as mums carer I should have it done to protect us both - if I get flu then all her care will fall on sis, and if we both get it she'll end up in hospital!
Mum at hospital this morning - sis texted to say pain worse, and mum said she doesn't want to carry on if pain continues... I can understand that but also, selfishly, I don't want to let her go...
I spent so much of yesterday just sobbing... but it was good for me.. and in a house all alone was ok to do just that...
I baked too... 3 dozen assorted fairy cakes and a batch of ginger biscuit dough which I shall cut and bake today.
HWSNBN is coming back tonight - I am dreading it. I really need him to move out. I have been looking at possible flats and houses for him so that., when I broach the subject I can offer suggestions... if you knew him you would know that this is what it is going to take.
I shall have to do the leg work on it but, with a daughter in the estate agency business and her chap too, well, let's say, it should be pretty easy to find somewhere he will like at the right price. Daughter and her chap know him really well so know what's important to him too - and may get some discounts on some of the fees..
*sigh* I do feel a bit mean but to be honest, it is so so SO much better without him around... perhaps when he is working it won't be quite so awful, but I just do NOT want him living here when mum dies... he will be dreadful.. I know he will... he will be incredibly needy and I won't have it in me to give... and I don't want to!
I have realised how important it is to be happy with your lot.. and how important it is to make the best of things... and how you do NOT have to tolerate things which you know will make you miserable or stressed out...
I have realised that I will be selling up, everything, and moving to the coast ... I have no idea when nor which coast but it will be next year. I am not going to put off things until a set time as that set time may never come.
My mother is an amazing woman, she has done and seen many amazing things. When she dies she will leave a legacy of laughter, love and fabulous memories.. also of fights and tears and hardness too. She is no saint, and nor am I. She is my mum and I love her and I don't want her to die... but.. she is going to and I can't stop it. All I can do is carry on loving her the best way I can, and keep reminding her how wonderful she is and what a great mum she is.
I wish my sis would call me... they MUST be back from the hospital by now!!
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Can't believe this! Mum is worse again this morning! Sis has a nurse with her now - I just don't get it... how can it be that she is fine when I say g'bye on a Sunday afternoon/eve and by the Wednesday she's had all manner of problems and tests and now is sick and needs the nurse out to her?? Sorry but it is SO frustrating and I can't help but wonder why? I feel so sorry for her, and for my sis who seems to be the one who has to deal with all the "bad" days...
I wonder if the sickness is her body reacting to the drugs.. whatever it is.. we had a lovely chat last night on the phone before she went to bed and we were laughing and planning on what we will do when I get back there tomorrow - I just want to up and go there NOW!! But - I can't... sis is there and nurse is there... and mum's not going anywhere... but I just hate being away from her... especially when she needs calm and reassurance... and soothing..
Yesterday was a dreadful day for her, at the hospital sis insisted on asking about further radiation - the answer was precisely what I had said it would be (and I knew because I had already spoken to the hospice nurses about it).. no - it would be too much to put mum through for no benefit whatsoever.
She (mum) then had to have an xray because sis told them she had fallen onto the floor - she hadn't - she lost her balance and didn't hit the floor at all... x-ray showed nothing. Poor mum - all that for nothing!
They do think she may have a urine infection now though but also sis said there was "something else in her urine that shouldn't be but they will test further"... no elaboration... I can feel a call to the consultant coming on...
This morning I have had a text to say that mum has been vomiting since 5am... and there is a nurse with her, giving her an injection and trying to calm her down... it must be horrific for all concerned.
There is always drama when sis is there... it's very bad luck... I want to be there and hold mums hand and comfort her.. *sigh*
I suppose I had better just get back into these stupid accounts and try to be productive here in the office... but my head isn't here... not a bit..
I wonder if the sickness is her body reacting to the drugs.. whatever it is.. we had a lovely chat last night on the phone before she went to bed and we were laughing and planning on what we will do when I get back there tomorrow - I just want to up and go there NOW!! But - I can't... sis is there and nurse is there... and mum's not going anywhere... but I just hate being away from her... especially when she needs calm and reassurance... and soothing..
Yesterday was a dreadful day for her, at the hospital sis insisted on asking about further radiation - the answer was precisely what I had said it would be (and I knew because I had already spoken to the hospice nurses about it).. no - it would be too much to put mum through for no benefit whatsoever.
She (mum) then had to have an xray because sis told them she had fallen onto the floor - she hadn't - she lost her balance and didn't hit the floor at all... x-ray showed nothing. Poor mum - all that for nothing!
They do think she may have a urine infection now though but also sis said there was "something else in her urine that shouldn't be but they will test further"... no elaboration... I can feel a call to the consultant coming on...
This morning I have had a text to say that mum has been vomiting since 5am... and there is a nurse with her, giving her an injection and trying to calm her down... it must be horrific for all concerned.
There is always drama when sis is there... it's very bad luck... I want to be there and hold mums hand and comfort her.. *sigh*
I suppose I had better just get back into these stupid accounts and try to be productive here in the office... but my head isn't here... not a bit..
Pomooky125
Silver Member
Thinking of you, you'll be there soon and both you and mum can relax. I'm sure after a bit of your TLC, mum will feel heaps better and ready to eat again.
Pomooky XXX
Pomooky XXX
RainbowRose
Gold Member
I also read your diary hun, and feel i can't add anything that hasn't already been said. You are in my thoughts. Hope you get more answers today.
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
sorry for not updating sooner - mum's asleep right now ..
I got here yesterday afternoon and heard mum say "is that my baby" when I arrived - made me mega-smile... oooh it's SOOO good to be back here again with her... she's heaps better and after sis left I brought in the sunflowers I had stopped and bought on the way as I know she loves them - they are so pretty and cheerful and always looking to the light - a lovely thought...
She ate a little yesterday and slept a lot.. she had been in bed all day and so that's where she stayed, so I took up one of the dining chairs and plonked it next to the bed and we watched my DVD set of "Creature Comforts"... I kept popping up and downstairs to get bits and bobs as and when (i.e.. yoghurt, cup of tea, bowl of hot custard, cake etc.. ) and we chuckled away together. I massaged her hands and feet with the lovely lavendar cream I bought in Cornwall and she settled down for the night. She had a brilliant night! Slept solidly until about 5am! I, on the other hand, had a horrendous night..
We (sis, mum and I ) had had a very difficult and somewhat heated discussion before sis left... suffice it to say, I am not happy that mum wants us to have a joint account but not require 2 signatures! *sigh* sis was fuming when I said I felt it was best and safest to make it so that everything had to be signed by us both and accused me of not trusting her, and she got all huffity and mum started to get upset so I backed down and just said ok.. if that's what you want mum, that's what we will do... *sigh*
Today has been lovely so far! Mum ate all her breakfast and we sat and chatted - I am an early riser so when I realised she was awake early I made her a cup of tea and gave her a couple of ginger biscuits to kick start her metabolism... then I dashed to the shops with a long list and have stocked her up with loads of stuff so won't need to go shopping again during this stay with her..
Bumped into some of her friends as I was shopping and had a lovely chat with the vicar who said she had tried to "reign in" my sister , LMAO, I laughed and just said "good luck with that!" lol
Sis was on about mum moving downstairs and getting in a hospital bed for her, but I think that was a knee-jerk reaction to mum being so rough for that day...
I got here yesterday afternoon and heard mum say "is that my baby" when I arrived - made me mega-smile... oooh it's SOOO good to be back here again with her... she's heaps better and after sis left I brought in the sunflowers I had stopped and bought on the way as I know she loves them - they are so pretty and cheerful and always looking to the light - a lovely thought...
She ate a little yesterday and slept a lot.. she had been in bed all day and so that's where she stayed, so I took up one of the dining chairs and plonked it next to the bed and we watched my DVD set of "Creature Comforts"... I kept popping up and downstairs to get bits and bobs as and when (i.e.. yoghurt, cup of tea, bowl of hot custard, cake etc.. ) and we chuckled away together. I massaged her hands and feet with the lovely lavendar cream I bought in Cornwall and she settled down for the night. She had a brilliant night! Slept solidly until about 5am! I, on the other hand, had a horrendous night..
We (sis, mum and I ) had had a very difficult and somewhat heated discussion before sis left... suffice it to say, I am not happy that mum wants us to have a joint account but not require 2 signatures! *sigh* sis was fuming when I said I felt it was best and safest to make it so that everything had to be signed by us both and accused me of not trusting her, and she got all huffity and mum started to get upset so I backed down and just said ok.. if that's what you want mum, that's what we will do... *sigh*
Today has been lovely so far! Mum ate all her breakfast and we sat and chatted - I am an early riser so when I realised she was awake early I made her a cup of tea and gave her a couple of ginger biscuits to kick start her metabolism... then I dashed to the shops with a long list and have stocked her up with loads of stuff so won't need to go shopping again during this stay with her..
Bumped into some of her friends as I was shopping and had a lovely chat with the vicar who said she had tried to "reign in" my sister , LMAO, I laughed and just said "good luck with that!" lol
Sis was on about mum moving downstairs and getting in a hospital bed for her, but I think that was a knee-jerk reaction to mum being so rough for that day...
pandora
finding my way again !
Mmmm that's sounds like a guilty reaction if you ask me , if she had nothing to hide she would have no issues . I can see there may be times when it would be more convenient to single sign but a bit of planning could overcome most times .
Enjoy your weekend together ... I can just imagine you giggling away to creature comforts
Xxxx
Enjoy your weekend together ... I can just imagine you giggling away to creature comforts
Xxxx
rubyangel
skinny jeans-im on my way
just wanted to say "bless you sweetie" ive read your diary a few times,while browsing the diet situation, big sigh for me! one thing that shines out of here,is the love you have for youre mum,i lost my dad a few years ago,and so know the awful situation you are in right now.
you are a strong lady and you will get through this awful time,i take my hat of to you for all youre hard work and just "doing " what you are doing.
just wanted to tell ya.xxx
p.s. think youre sister sounds a right "one" as my mum would say.xxx
take care,you are doing great.xxx
you are a strong lady and you will get through this awful time,i take my hat of to you for all youre hard work and just "doing " what you are doing.
just wanted to tell ya.xxx
p.s. think youre sister sounds a right "one" as my mum would say.xxx
take care,you are doing great.xxx
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
well, we have had a very relaxed day, but, by the evening mum was in need of more morphine again... the damn thing is spreading across her back now and the only place she is truly comfortable is her bed.. we talked about that tonight and she is thinking about moving downstairs.. but the whole never having a shower again thing depresses her enormously.. and the thought of using a commode is one she doesn't relish.. and I understand that..
She said that all she wants is for me and my sister to get one with one another... I was shocked, I never have a go or criticise my sister in front of my mother - I never discuss any arguments we have or any clashes.. I told mum that I love my sister but, as she has raised two fiercly independent, strong-minded women who are both closer to 50 than 40, there is little wonder that we don't always agree on everything!
She agreed and we laughed... we talked more and I said that if sis and I were not related our paths would never cross as we have nothing in common apart from our parentage... we like different foods, drinks, holidays, music..we have totally opposite opinions on just about everything you can imagine.. and live very different lives!
She agreed and said we were like chalk and cheese but that sometimes it is best to back down...I told her that I am constantly backing down... and have always been the one to do so... and compromise...
Lord knows what my sister has been saying to her!!!!! But I NEVER moan about my sister to her... NEVER!
I am cross that she is worrying about this at such a time and I have assured her that I love my sister and that we do agree on lots of things, just that we do things very differently.. and always have and always shall...
I have no memories of ever playing as a child with my sister.. none at all.. I love to read, she has never read a book in her life, I like to travel to different places, she goes back to the same place time and again... when she is here it is all rules and time driven... when I am here there are no rules other than one - "mum does what she likes, when she likes.."
I bake, she doesn't, I ride motorbikes, she hates them, I believe in Jesus, she doesn't... there are lots of differences... we may look similar facially but that's it.. we have different hair even! Mine is thick and blonde, hers is fine and dark... I have my own house, she rents one, I have always worked, she has rarely worked..
She loves fish, I love chicken.. lol About the ONLY thing we have in common is our mum and that we both love her..
I don't tell mum about our arguing or my true feelings about sis and how she twists things to suit herself, how she really cannot and shouldn't be trusted with her money.. how spiteful she was about our beloved stepdad but now seems to have forgotten all that..
She is domineering and bossy and opinionated... that is our common ground! lmao!
It's going to be hard to stay on good terms as mum gets worse, especially if I think she is b*tching about me to her!!
After mum is gone we are going to have to get on for at least a few weeks, I have offered to store things in my home for her.. I have offered to start taking her stuff that she has here, and take it to my place now.. we have NO legal rights to be in this house once our darling mum has gone...
I don't think she realises how very careful she (we) need to be when dealing with matters relating to this house..
*sigh*
I have even gone so far as taking photos of everything in the house so , IF anything "goes missing" .. I shall know right away!
I know I should trust her, but I just don't... and her reaction today which clearly upset mum too, showed me that either a) she is upset because I don't trust her and she IS trustworthy OR b) she can't be trusted and felt threatened by my almost saying as much...
I am sad really sad that mum seems to know about the tension... very sad indeed.. I am pretty confident that in the long run I shall have nothing to do with her.. and life will be a lot less stressful...
Someone actually said to me today that she seems calmer when I look after her... and perhaps that has an impact on how she fares... I said it could just be coincidence but that we do tend to have a giggle and just chill out for the most part...
I baked some sultana buns for sis today, and am having a go at making my mum't trademark "Tea Loaf" ... I cleaned and sorted her kitchen wall cupboards and binned all the out of date food.. washed the cupboards down and the containers too..
Am going to clean the kitchen and bathroom in the morning and wash the floors tomorrow night downstairs as they are a mess again.
Will be doing the polishing and vacuuming tomorrow afternoon I think..
Went shopping today and the fridge and freezer are well stocked too.
I'm tired but not sleeping too well.. so.. am off to bed now and, hopefully we shall both have a good night...
She said that all she wants is for me and my sister to get one with one another... I was shocked, I never have a go or criticise my sister in front of my mother - I never discuss any arguments we have or any clashes.. I told mum that I love my sister but, as she has raised two fiercly independent, strong-minded women who are both closer to 50 than 40, there is little wonder that we don't always agree on everything!
She agreed and we laughed... we talked more and I said that if sis and I were not related our paths would never cross as we have nothing in common apart from our parentage... we like different foods, drinks, holidays, music..we have totally opposite opinions on just about everything you can imagine.. and live very different lives!
She agreed and said we were like chalk and cheese but that sometimes it is best to back down...I told her that I am constantly backing down... and have always been the one to do so... and compromise...
Lord knows what my sister has been saying to her!!!!! But I NEVER moan about my sister to her... NEVER!
I am cross that she is worrying about this at such a time and I have assured her that I love my sister and that we do agree on lots of things, just that we do things very differently.. and always have and always shall...
I have no memories of ever playing as a child with my sister.. none at all.. I love to read, she has never read a book in her life, I like to travel to different places, she goes back to the same place time and again... when she is here it is all rules and time driven... when I am here there are no rules other than one - "mum does what she likes, when she likes.."
I bake, she doesn't, I ride motorbikes, she hates them, I believe in Jesus, she doesn't... there are lots of differences... we may look similar facially but that's it.. we have different hair even! Mine is thick and blonde, hers is fine and dark... I have my own house, she rents one, I have always worked, she has rarely worked..
She loves fish, I love chicken.. lol About the ONLY thing we have in common is our mum and that we both love her..
I don't tell mum about our arguing or my true feelings about sis and how she twists things to suit herself, how she really cannot and shouldn't be trusted with her money.. how spiteful she was about our beloved stepdad but now seems to have forgotten all that..
She is domineering and bossy and opinionated... that is our common ground! lmao!
It's going to be hard to stay on good terms as mum gets worse, especially if I think she is b*tching about me to her!!
After mum is gone we are going to have to get on for at least a few weeks, I have offered to store things in my home for her.. I have offered to start taking her stuff that she has here, and take it to my place now.. we have NO legal rights to be in this house once our darling mum has gone...
I don't think she realises how very careful she (we) need to be when dealing with matters relating to this house..
*sigh*
I have even gone so far as taking photos of everything in the house so , IF anything "goes missing" .. I shall know right away!
I know I should trust her, but I just don't... and her reaction today which clearly upset mum too, showed me that either a) she is upset because I don't trust her and she IS trustworthy OR b) she can't be trusted and felt threatened by my almost saying as much...
I am sad really sad that mum seems to know about the tension... very sad indeed.. I am pretty confident that in the long run I shall have nothing to do with her.. and life will be a lot less stressful...
Someone actually said to me today that she seems calmer when I look after her... and perhaps that has an impact on how she fares... I said it could just be coincidence but that we do tend to have a giggle and just chill out for the most part...
I baked some sultana buns for sis today, and am having a go at making my mum't trademark "Tea Loaf" ... I cleaned and sorted her kitchen wall cupboards and binned all the out of date food.. washed the cupboards down and the containers too..
Am going to clean the kitchen and bathroom in the morning and wash the floors tomorrow night downstairs as they are a mess again.
Will be doing the polishing and vacuuming tomorrow afternoon I think..
Went shopping today and the fridge and freezer are well stocked too.
I'm tired but not sleeping too well.. so.. am off to bed now and, hopefully we shall both have a good night...
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pandora
finding my way again !
I often look at my two & wonder how 2 so totally different people can come from the same gene pool , amazing isn't it ? If your sister is bad mouthing you to your mum I think its very bad etiquette but as you say , she'll not change so I fear its bite your tongue while you have to & when the time is more appropriate let her know how you feel , for I get the feeling your paths won't cross much from then on
Much love & hugs xxxx
Much love & hugs xxxx
