The journey through loss, grief and understanding begins....
Well, time to blow the dust of this and start using it again. I am approaching some very difficult days/weeks/months ahead, and this may be a good source for thoughts. ANd comfort.
As most of you know by now, my trip was expected to be an emotional journey, but never, ever did I think it would end the way it did. That mom would have a horrific accident, and suffer through weeks in Critical care, fighting for her life.
I expected it might have been the last time I would see her, but not under these circumstances. And never did I imagine 10 days after returning to the uk, that she would lose that fight, and we would lose her.
To say that has knocked me for six would be a complete lie. It has knocked me for 12.
I learned, that gut insticts are something we should always listen too. About 4 months ago, I got very depressed, and started fearing the end was near. I think I might have written about it here. I did not know why or where those feelings came from - I just "knew".
During those times, my diet suffered, but not horribly. But now, after what we went through, everything I learned in CBT went out the window. This was too big, and too deep and I needed comfort.
I don;t drink, so I turned to my old "friend" food. I didn't - couldn;t care. I knew I would have to pay for it, in the end.
But I need to revisit some of my thoughts, and beliefs, and strengths and weaknesses, and learn from this.
During those 4 months or so, I have put on about 30 pounds. I don;t see this as failure. I see this as realising there is more to learn, and more to practice.
It was amazing to me, to be conscious of what was going on. I would be sat there. Then sad thoughts and worry would consume. I would immediately eat something. Those thoughts would go away. For a moment. Then they returned, up I went and more I stuffed.
The word TRIGGER truly is apt.
I ate, until I could barely swallow through my tears. I would almost choke. I just stuffed that pain, until I could barely even swallow.
I am glad that I have decided to stop this madness now, and go back onto packs before it gets worse. But I feel I have let myself down a little too. I will work on that.
The feelings of loss, go beyond my mother. I have alos lost a life long friend through all of this, and feel a completely and totally betrayed. We have been friends 35 years. ANd she judged me and my family at a time when we needed her friendship, love and support. Knife firmly planted in back. I have yet to give this much thought. Mom became my only thought, and all energy focused on her. IN the coming weeks, I expect feelings around this will come up and more will be felt and dealt with.
We are also losing our family home. The home my mother and father designed and build with their own blood, sweat and tears. My fathers legacy is all but dissolved due to mishandling by my mothers stubborness when my father died. This came as a huge shock to us for she assured us years ago she put all her affairs in order to make life simpler. She did not do anything that she was advised, reccomended or instructed. I do not understand why - and leaves us all shaking our head in wonder. I know it was an accident - that she would have believed she had set up a trust properly, etc., but it was done all wrong. All wrong.
It all means that the home I grew up in, the home where all my youthful memories sprung from, the garden of 50 foot tall trees I watched over my life grow from saplings, every holiday, everyting - is lost. I can't describe how this feels. Maybe others will understand. Its kind of unusal these days for people to have stayed put for so long, and people move around a lot. The family home seems to be a thing of the past. But for me, it is my home, my only home. ANd the thought of losing it, is like another death.
I suppose I will greive that loss too.
I vow now, not to make the same mistake in grieving that I made with my father. I denied myself the time to grieve, and received zero support from my ex-husband. And it wrecked me. It took about 10-12 years to get a handle on his death. And my life was pretty dark in those years. I will not do that again.
I also know I need to get some help. PRofessionaly. I am having bad dreams, about the incident, finding mom and seeing her injuries....the events in hospital where death was all around us.
This was a critical burn unit only, and it was a very intense ward. It was very insular = it had its own operating theatre, its own A&E essentially, so patients were brought right in to the ward straight from the ambulance.
I have seen things, that no person should ever have to see. People without faces. Babies without limbs. Death. Familys turning off life support of their loved ones.... Every single day for 28 days. Day in, day out. I am realising now how traumatic it was, but at the time, I was on autopilot, and relatively numb.
I can safely say, that this was the worst life has shown me yet. It is the most difficult time of my life.
Now, I feel numb, confused, tired, scared, sad, and angry.
I vow not to let these emotions get the best of me.
Its a long road, but it starts....one foot in front of the other. One day after another.
Give me strength.
Not liking this at all.
